Mom discouraging med free birth

RussianMommy · March 2013

how are you dealing with ppl, if any, who are basically laughing at you saying "good luck"?? I told my Mom tonight that I want to try and get as far as I can without an epidural, but if I happen to want/need one, then that's fine too. She was like "haha good luck, you have no idea what labor is like"

well, duh, of course I don't -- which is why I said I was open to whatever happens. It's so frustrating when you're trying to stay positive and focused and someone like your Mom is telling you that it's not possible. I also told her things I was putting in my birth plan, such as the fact that I don't want the gas mask (personally, I hate the smell, and I hate things covering my nose) and once again she said "how can you say that when you have no idea if you will want it or not"

I really want to involve her in this, but she is so negative and thinks she knows all about labor & delivery. She knows about HER delivery, she doesn't know about everyone's delivery and I feel like times are different now than when she gave birth. She never had doulas and midwives around in her days (at least they weren't as popular/well known in my city here)

I guess I just need to not tell her anything anymore, eh?

KateLouise · March 2013

Ugh I have no idea why people tell FTMs all sorts of negative stories and attitudes. You simply cannot explain the experience of labour to anyone, and even if you could no two labours are the same.

How you handle your Mum really comes down to your relationship and how she takes to learning new ideas, or being told not to be so negative. If you think she'd respond well to a, "Mum I'd really like to share this with you but your negative responses are making that really hard" type conversation then you could try that. Otherwise, yeah you might just need to keep it to yourself.

FWIW I went into labour thinking, "I'll see how I go and if I want the epi then so be it," and I've had two fabulous natural births.

I will add, however, if that if going epi free is important to you, then it might help you to learn about the reasons for avoiding it and different coping techniques, to give yourself an emotional boost on the day.

Good luck with your upcoming birth!

JCWhitey · March 2013

Yeah... I'd avoid talking to her! If you want, I can give you my mom's phone number! Thus far she's been the #1 supporter of my natural birth. With both my brother and I she had med-free and with my brother completely intervention-free birth. With me she had her water broken only because I kept bouncing and stopping her contractions. By breaking the water that put a stop to that and I was born really quickly after. BUT, she says to this day she regrets doing that because I experience neck trauma from being born too fast that cause me a lot of problems for most of my childhood.

Anyway, she loves telling me that labor for her didn't hurt. She calls it "uncomfortable" but not painful. And since she and I share a very similar pain tolerance level I'm hoping I have a similar experience.

Sometimes you just have to find the right support system. If there's anyone in your life that had a natural birth I'd start talking to them instead and getting their feedback as they are the ones that actual l went through it. I had a friend who had a home birth with her first baby just last week so once she's up and moving again I fully intend to pick her brain on the experience!

amberthehobbit · March 2013

I told people that women go med free everyday and they have for 1000s of years.

botanicalbliss · March 2013

KateLouise:
Ugh I have no idea why people tell FTMs all sorts of negative stories and attitudes. You simply cannot explain the experience of labour to anyone, and even if you could no two labours are the same.
How you handle your Mum really comes down to your relationship and how she takes to learning new ideas, or being told not to be so negative. If you think she'd respond well to a, "Mum I'd really like to share this with you but your negative responses are making that really hard" type conversation then you could try that. Otherwise, yeah you might just need to keep it to yourself.
FWIW I went into labour thinking, "I'll see how I go and if I want the epi then so be it," and I've had two fabulous natural births.
I will add, however, if that if going epi free is important to you, then it might help you to learn about the reasons for avoiding it and different coping techniques, to give yourself an emotional boost on the day.
Good luck with your upcoming birth!

This.

tokenhoser · March 2013

I didn't talk to my mom about my plans, and we have a great relationship. To me, my birth plans are MY birth plans. It's really up to me. I talk about them with my doctor, my husband, and my doula, and that's about it. I do talk about having a doula (because I think it's a fantastic idea), but I just don't feel like anyone that won't be there can really support me anyway. And the list of people I want there is very, very short.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

When people say "good luck" you say "thanks!" and change the subject.

And then don't bring it up to them again.

bustdstuff · March 2013

I've had people say the same things to me. Even had a couple of people offer to bring me pain pills to the birthing home. I know the reasons that I want a natural birth, and don't need anyone but me and my MWs to agree with them. Maybe your body doesn't react well to pain meds, or you don't want a catheter, internal fetal monitor, to not be able to leave the bed, and not be coached to push. Maybe you do want to feel what is happening to your body. And, all of those things are solely for you to decide. You are the one that is giving birth. Trust in yourself, and your desires for birth. Even if they end up changing.

hollandmama · March 2013

I'm exactly in the same boat and it does feel horrible, mostly because we're very close friends. I have sent her some articles about med-free births, etc. She said if I wasn't her daughter she would be like "Go ahead, it sounds amazing", but as she doesn't want me to suffer she would preferred I go the 'normal' way which nowadays is getting an epi and lying on your back for hours.

I am still hoping she will change her mind soon and she is coming to visit and help me (we live in different countries) from 4-5 weeks before my due date in which I am planning to take her on board. It's super important for me that she is helping me during labour, I believe in the conservative idea of surrounding yourself with women that make you confident during that day (the dolphin circle) and I want her to be the #1. I know she can because I know she is not 'laughing' at my choice but she's only worried I will be hurt.

rm2013 · March 2013

Im in the same boat OP! I'd agree with others and just stop talking to her about it. Sad, but appears to be necessary. Are you planning on having her in the room with you? Her negative energy could pose a problem. Best wishes to you!

RussianMommy · March 2013

rm2013:
Im in the same boat OP! I'd agree with others and just stop talking to her about it. Sad, but appears to be necessary. Are you planning on having her in the room with you? Her negative energy could pose a problem. Best wishes to you!

oh god no! lol she doesnt even live in town! yay haha i wont see her until a few days after the birth

kriskell · March 2013

I'm sorry your mom is being discouraging. I'm really blessed in that my mom has been my #1 supporter of going med-free and using a midwife. My mom had me and my sister in natural hospital births so she's been really encouraging.

I know PP said she went into labor thinking, like you seem to be, that she'd get the epi if she ended up wanting it, but I hear more often than not that if you're committed to a natural birth, you need to go into it firm in the conviction that medication is not an option. Like another PP said, really do your research and come up with a list of reasons why a natural birth is important to you. If you do research and find that it's not, that's fine too. But often, going into it with an epi as a 'backup plan' is setting yourself up for the domino effect of interventions.

You can do it. Tune everyone else out. The opinions won't stop after birth, so unfortunately you have to learn to take them gracefully. Good luck!!

treehugginbride · March 2013

I, too, seem to be pretty fortunate that my (typically snarky devils-advocate) mother has been totally behind my choices: med-free birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering. Any time we've talked about it she told me how she had an epi with all three of us and that it didn't work for her.. She said the epi hurt her, that she didnt hurt any less, and that she was upset that she wasn't allowed to walk around afterwards. She also told me just to be sure they have one ready, just in case i change my mind.

MIL however, is a different story. i mentioned natural birth and she tried to convince me otherwise (which was a bit out of place considering her only birth was c-section). When we mentioned CDing FIL said that they did it and MIL quickly threw in that it didnt last long and we wouldnt either- UGH.

So what all that taught me is that my mother is going to be supportive and that i should only discuss baby clothes with MIL who sends nothing but negativity. It sounds like you cant really talk to your mom about these things, but you need to find someone (aunt/sister/cousin/friend/grandmother) who has done a natural birth and can give you POSITIVE feed back and encouragement. You need an "I can do this" mentality, and you mom isn't nursing that. GL to you!

dreadiemama · March 2013

overture:
When people say "good luck" you say "thanks!" and change the subject.
And then don't bring it up to them again.

This.

I'm so sorry about your mom. Mine is the complete opposite, not that I really mind. She's allll about natural childbirth and if anyone brings it up she just says "i had all mine (5) naturally. I didn't know I was supposed to think it was bad at 18 so I guess I didn't!"

It makes my SILs mad who all had epis but it really gives me support that it really is what mentality you go into it. Regardless if you know what labor is like or not you can at least know that if you think it's the world thing in the world, it will probably be a lot more painful than if you go in with a positive attitude.

wren444 · March 2013

Attitude is so important. I knew my mom wasn't my best support person - she worries too much - so I intentionally didn't talk to her about my birth plans much with my first child...and when she expressed interest in being there, I gently encouraged her to be there for me after. Her labors had all been heavily medicated. It felt hard at the time, but was definitely the right call. My first labor was long and exhausting. I felt pressured to use interventions...though ultimately did not need them. Had she been there it would have been a nightmare. And she was so in awe of me after the fact...it was really sweet.

You can do whatever you set your mind to - rare complications aside. At this point in pregnancy I know not to engage with people about my choices unless they have already demonstrated support in some way. If my mom lived closer, I'd probably invite her this time since she is much more positive about it and I have the confidence of my first experience.

I have a friend that I was thinking about asking to be an extra support person for me and my partner at the birth (she's a nurse) she seemed really excited about it, but when I mentioned that I was hoping for a water birth she said, "Ew. It's kind of gross with all the fluids/blood/etc from birth floating around in the tub." So much for inviting her (let alone talking to her about it!) I am shocked at how some people can project themselves/their preferences so readily on to others.

CoffeeBeanFiend91 · March 2013

My mom started off the same way but she's gotten more supportive. I would just tell her flat out that you don't want any negativity and this is something you want to do.

Shaunamae87 · March 2013

I know how you feel. When I told my mom I wanted to go all natural and hire a midwife, she got mad at me! She literallya told me I was stupid and said, "I am so mad I can't even talk to you right now." I guess back in the late 70's she knew a woman who passed in childbirth using a midwife and that is how she is trying to scare me. If anything starts to go south, yes I will transfer. Her story does scare me a little, and i have yet to tell her I have made my decision. But... I know what I want and that is an all natural birth.

aibrean · March 2013

I'm lucky. My mom went med-free with me and my two brothers and my mother-in-law was a neonatal nurse and is very supportive of my decision (less complications to me and baby). My only issue is with GD, where I might have to be induced/have a c-section. My OB will let me get to 39W5D so hopefully the baby decides to come naturally at 39W and hopefully I can do vaginal. At least they caught the GD early and I'm on insulin meds at night and they are monitoring the baby's heart and size frequently. I would love to have an all-natural birth, but being at a higher risk for complications I can at least do med-free (unless I have a c-section).

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