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Blended Families
KTdidit
member
How to help FH get over his anger toward BD?
KTdidit
member
FH is holding a grudge and holding onto his anger toward BD and BD's lack of parenting and interest in DS. To the point that it causes problems between the two of us. (Just as a recap: DS spends Thurs night - Sun afternoon with BD EOWE. BD makes no attempt at contact other than his designated weekends.) Any time BD comes up FH always gets incredibly angry and says things like "DS is such a great kid, how can he NOT want to spend time with him?!" or "BD has no idea what he's missing" and even "he doesn't deserve to be called DS's dad". Now he never says that stuff in front of DS, we try our hardest not to even get an attitude about BD around DS so he doesn't pick up on anything negative toward his dad. And I know it's just because FH loves DS like his own and is angry FOR DS because he deserves a dad that is around and spends time with him and all that.
But how do I help him get over all that anger? I've let it go, I know what kind of person DH is and I've learned that its not worth it because it doesn't make a difference. When we get into arguments about it, it's always because FH says I need to "get on BD's a$$ about being a good father". Well, we all know that I'm not going to do that, it's not my job to create and further the relationship between DS and BD. And I've mentioned to him numerous times about paying child support, to the point that I had to get a lawyer to file contempt.
I'm doing all I can but I'm not BD's mom, I'm not his wife, I'm not his keeper. I can't force him to do anything, and I know that DS is perfectly fine and isn't lacking in the male role model department. So how do I get FH to let it go and not let BD's lack of interest in DS get to him?!
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Re: How to help FH get over his anger toward BD?
If he's like me he's probably not feeling heard or validated which is why he is being so forceful with his opinion. You should acknowledge what he's saying and say you agree but your hands are tied.
You can be at war with him over this but then I'd guess you wouldn't be married for long. He has a right to complain and you need to listen and validate. That's my two cents
Nineoceans: thank you for your point of view from the other side. I will make more of an effort to make him feel heard and not think "oh this again"
Auntie: thank you for your opinion. I want to make it clear that neither of us say anyting negative to DS about his father. And I do believe that FH gets an opinion on things. Yes, the relationship is between DS and BD, but FH is the one that is there every day helping me raise DS day-to-day. He will be a permanent part of DS's family and wants only what's best for DS. Part of his reactions and opinions come from the place of growing up with divorced parents. Except his dad made every effort possible - made the drive every weekend to get the kids, wanted to have them with him on every school holiday, even fought for them in court. No, maybe FH shouldn't be comparing HIS dad and BD, but as I said before it is coming from a place of wanting the best for DS. He is angered by BD's lack of effort to be involved in DS's life. I thank you for your opinion, that's what I posted this question for, but I hardly think this deserves a "don't get married" warning. Can you really say that in raising your nieces and seeing what your BIL did/didn't do, can you really say you never harbored any anger or resentment toward him or his actions?
So, MH is no fan of XH. He thinks he's a lousy person/father/etc. But really, XH is not a topic of conversation in our home. We, as a rule, do not discuss him when DS is awake/around, and at night or when we're out together, XH is not what I want to talk about.
In your shoes, I think I would tell your FH that his anger/frustration isn't doing anything to help the situation. He's entitled to his feelings, but he's not doing either you or himself any favors by hanging onto them. I'd also say that you cannot control what BD does, and the only thing the two of you can control is what happens in your home. After that, I'd just start changing the subject, ie FH says "get on BD's azz..." and you say, "I wish that would help. What should we do for dinner?"
MH gets frustrated in XH's lack of interest, but if anything it makes him more tender towards DS. Maybe try to encourage that in your FH? When he gets mad say, why don't you go give the kiddo a hug? Or play a game with him?