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August 2013 Moms
dooleyme
member
Need advice on sister-in law
dooleyme
member
There is a lot of history to this post, so I will try to summarize in as few words as I can!
My brother's wife and I got engaged a few months apart and due to drama that she caused, along with my husband going back to school, we decided to wait an entire year after their wedding to get married. (She was completely normal to me and I even liked her before any of the wedding drama started!) This is where some of the drama started. During the whole year of her wedding, I was completely ostracized at every even she invited me to attend. One example was her dress fitting, to which she invited 12 girls. She had my brother call me later to tell me that she was mad that I was talking to another bride in the shop during her 2+ hour dress fitting. Then, she said that she overheard me talking about my wedding invitations to my mom at her "dress fitting luncheon" and couldn't believe that I wasn't putting ALL of my attention on her. During her entire engagement period, I never mentioned my wedding, my dress, or any details about my big day. Nor did she bother to ask me. After her wedding, she called me and told me she regretted even having me as a part of it. (Even though her maid of honor got drunk and I was the one sewing up her ripped train at the reception). This list goes on. Needless to say, she is somewhat of a narcissist. During my wedding, she is not smiling in many of my pictures and many of my guests asked me what was wrong with her that day. Who knows, always something to pull the attention back to her!
Fast forward to present day, and I am 14 weeks pregnant, due August 30th. Ever since my brother and sister-in law's wedding, they have been trying to conceive. They have tried 4 rounds of IVF and are in the process of adopting. During all of their procedures, I have sent cards, cookies, flowers, kind emails, etc. I also spent many weeks debating how to break our news to them because I knew they would be upset. I talked to a counselor, read discussion boards, and really felt like the best thing to do was to send a letter to allow them to react in privacy. Well, ever since the day we shared the news, they have now ignored everyone in my entire family, including my 87 year old grandmother who has nothing to do with the fact that I'm pregnant.
I am always the one trying to extend the olive branch, but at this point in my life, I am so tired of being hurt and disappointed. I have taken their feelings into consideration and have worked so hard to tell them in a private, supportive way. I understand that infertility is difficult because one of my best friends went through it and now has two adopted children. I just don't think it's fair that they get to act this way toward me and I'm expected to always just be "okay" with their behavior. They have not acknowledged this pregnancy and now are doing everything possible to avoid me. I even got an email today saying that they would not be a part of Easter with our family. I wholeheartedly believe that it is because they are avoiding me like the black plague because I'm pregnant.
It is really hurtful to me that they will get to ignore me my entire pregnancy, but then expect me to be happy and excited for them once they succeed with IVF or adoption. I get that they are hurting, but it's unfair not to accept the fact that I am hurting too.
I guess I'm just asking for advice or support from you ladies. My parents are so fed up with their behavior (remember, they are ignoring my parents now that I'm pregnant), but continue to excuse their behavior due to their "hurt feelings." I didn't get pregnant to hurt them, nor have I said a word to them about my pregnancy. I always thought my children would grow up with their cousins, but at this point, I don't really want my children around such toxic people. It's just so upsetting to me, especially being so emotional at this point!
Any thoughts or advice on what to do? (Sorry this is so long!!!!)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice on sister-in law
What does your brother say about all of this? My sister-in-law is quite a pill but my brother would never let her treat my family like that. Why isn't HE talking to HIS 87 year old grandmother? I would start with him.
As much as it may hurt, you can't force them to be in your life if they don't want to be. The best advice I can give you is to not let it get to you or stress you out during your pregnancy.
Good luck.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I don't think I have any good advice for you, but this is your brother right? Could you or your parents try to talk to him separately (without your SIL involved)? I think maybe I would start there. I hope it works out for you.
If she hadn't been such a spoiled biitch previously I would say to just give them some space. If they don't want to be around you there is probably nothing you can do/say to change that for the time being, but don't ostracize yourself. They will be the ones missing out on family events and are only hurting themselves.
I've never gone through infertility so I can't relate on that aspect. I know it has to be hard to see others getting what you so desperately want, but I think it's pretty sucky that they are punishing others for it. Just try to enjoy your pregnancy and hopefully they will come around eventually.
If you look at it another way, the good news is, they are ignoring you. This allows you to forget about them for a few months, and focus on having a stress-free, happy pregnancy
Of course, I understand that real family dynamics don't allow this to happen, and also that most likely want your brother (& SIL?) involved in your child's life, and for you to be involved in theirs when it happens for them. It's unacceptable for a grown woman to be so childish about so many things, but you can't control that. The best thing for everyone is probably just to open up the line of communication and speak frankly about your feelings, and invite them to air their own. Maybe there are some things you haven't considered about their situation. Even if not, being open and talking about this situation is the only way to ease some of the family discomfort.
Wow, your SIL sounds like a peach.
I think this speaks more to the type of person your brother is, to be honest. Yall are HIS family. Sounds to me like he is either a jerk, or a coward that won't stand up to his wife when she is being childish.
You can only live your life, they are the ones missing out. Good luck.
I get them wanting to avoid you. I haven't been to their point but I will say that struggling to for pregnancy causes a sh!t load of bitterness and jealousy in even regularly sweet and caring people. She sounds like a selfish b!tch to start, so I'm sure those feelings are just amplified.
As for expecting them to swoon over your pregnancy, I think you need to get over it. There are other people in your life that aren't struggling there to support you - don't ask the people hurting to also be our support. I think you need to just let it go and continue to live your life, and give them her distance. I would recommend trying to stay in contact with your brother though. They may come back from it, they may not. Hopefully when (and if) they do, you can be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones.
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
Thanks for all of the support ladies!!
My parents tried to sit him down separately when the wedding drama was happening and he said that something his wife could "just be that way." I feel like he used to see it, but now she has him completely brain washed into her narcissistic way of thinking. Her own mother has similar issues and she used to go to counseling, but I'm not sure what is going on now.
It really pains me since it's my brother, but I guess being ignored is better than being constantly inundated with their drama. I just can't wait until they finally get their baby and I can send a text saying, "Congrats.", since that's the email that I got back from my brother when we shared the news.
It's so annoying that grown women continue to act like they are in middle school. I teach 7th grade so I'm around enough drama as it is!
I really appreciate the support ladies!!!!!!
I'm glad I'm not the only one going through something like this! It's so difficult to be ignored by family members at such a happy time in your life.
I am so sorry that you had a miscarriage. I can't imagine getting that phone call from your sister. She sounds like an awful human being! Wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy!
Well Kudos to you for being very mature in everything. You've handled her very well... You've done alot, you've reached out to her and have tried to be there for them. So I guess I would advise to just do your own thing. One day they will realize their behavior is stupid and they are missing out! The best thing for you is to maybe pray for them but just worry about yourself and being the best you can be! Not much left for you to do! Everything will work out.
Sorry I'm completely new to posting in this forum, this response below is in response to this comment, "I get them wanting to avoid you. I haven't been to their point but I will say that struggling to for pregnancy causes a sh!t load of bitterness and jealousy in even regularly sweet and caring people. She sounds like a selfish b!tch to start, so I'm sure those feelings are just amplified.
As for expecting them to swoon over your pregnancy, I think you need to get over it. There are other people in your life that aren't struggling there to support you - don't ask the people hurting to also be our support. I think you need to just let it go and continue to live your life, and give them her distance. I would recommend trying to stay in contact with your brother though. They may come back from it, they may not. Hopefully when (and if) they do, you can be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones.I appreciate you post, but I'm not expecting them to swoon over my pregnancy, or even to be happy for me. I'm just expecting them not to avoid family functions, like Easter, just because I will be there and will most likely have a growing belly. My family is very sensitive not to talk about things around them, like the wedding during her wedding time, or my pregnancy. I just thought they might be able to put aside their own feelings of hatred for me to come together for my family. It's just really selfish.
Thank you for your support!
Layla 01.08.12
Chloe and Vivian 07.23.13
My Gang. Halloween 2013
I'd send a confrontational email at this point. Enough about them, it's your turn to tell them how you feel. This nasty behavior can't go excused anymore.
Also, I have an aunt and uncle like this. They've always had to be the center of attention and have really treated my other uncle and my mom badly. As I was growing up with their kids, it wasn't long before me and my brother noticed the douche baggery they inherited from their parents. Don't think of this as a loss....
I'm with this poster. 4 failed attempts is a lot and each consecutive failed attempt decreases their chances of successfully conceiving. For all you know they could be at a point where they're trying to come to terms with her not being able to carry her own child.
I have a girlfriend with unexplained infertility and who is four+ years into trying. She recently went through something similar with her BFF. Her DH encouraged her to write a detailed email trying to explain to her BFF what she's been through and how it feels to hear of successful pregnancies. That email is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read in my life.
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
I agree that your SIL is a spoiled self centered brat, BUT removing everything about her past, the struggle with infertility alone is enough for even a normally supportive person to do this. You have to understand that maybe avoiding you and any family function you are attending is the more polite choice (rather than fighting back tears and hiding in the bathroom). That is their decision and you need to stop making it all about you.
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
But honestly, If I were her, I wouldn't want to go either. I've avoided plenty of functions where I knew pregnant women would be in attendance. I haven't even seen any of my in-laws in over year because of it. (granted, they live 11,000 miles away, so that's been easy enough...)
When you're struggling like that, the last thing you want to do is see a happy pregnant person, ESPECIALLY when it's in your own family. And the fact is, everyone else WILL be swooning over you, so her option is either to join in, or sit in the corner and try not to cry. She may or may not actually "hate" you, but I can certainly understand her seemingly acting hateful over your pregnancy, even if she doesn't actually hate you.
Everything about your original post says you've been sensitive to that, except what you're saying now says to me you really aren't. Just let them be. Don't force them to watch your happiness. All I can say is no matter how hard you try, you don't understand the hurt and pain they are going through. Accept that and just let them do what they need to do. I can guarantee you aren't hurting as much as they are right now.
And if you really are the bigger person that you claim to be, you will be happy and excited for them is they find success in adoption. That's a flucking hard road to be forced to walk.
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
Although I do understand where you are coming from and she may not be reacting to this in a way that you understand. And you have a history of her being selfish so I can see where your feelings are coming from. However I see that your SIL is just recently giving up her chances of having her own biological child. As someone who did not Get that far in the fertility world but did have problems and had to do treatments in order to become pregnant during this time anyone who became pregnant although I tried very hard not to be hurt sad jealous i kept my distance from friends who had children or were pregnant it is a very hard time and I could to imagine if it were someone from my family who conceived while I was trying no matter how happy your Are for them you can not help but feel sad for yourself- you said that you were 14 weeks pregnant even if you sent the letter the day you found out that is only a short time for someone who is experiencing a loss of some sort and I am sure not accepting it quite yet. I would say ou as well as your family we'd to give them time and maybe try and understand that right now they just need space- and although you sending a olive branch is very big of you it's sounding like that is not what they need right now I would suggest giving them space they will come to you when they are ready.
I am in no way saying that what she is doingis okay however everyone grieves in there own way just as she should not have expected you to surround your life with her wedding you cannot ask her to do the same with your pregnancey
As someone who had been on the infertility roller coaster for 4+ years I am really struggling with not screaming out loud that you have no idea how that struggle feels. It isn't the same as feeling like someone is stealing your wedding thunder. Although petty and obnoxious, it pales in comparison to how infertility can make you feel. Instead of being as a-hole I just want to explain a few things about how going through infertility affected me and I am positive others can relate.
-It changed me. I am talking changes that happened deep into the foundation of who I was, how I acted, and what I believed.
-Since the infertility issues were mine, not my husbands, it made me feel like a disappointment, failure, and less of a woman. All this even though my husband and family were the most supportive Group of people there are.
-It also made me feel like I have failed my husband, the most important person in my life.
-I felt guilty, like what I have done in my past has some how come back to haunt me and this is why I wasn't conceiving.
-A usually regularly happy, nice person, I became resentful, hateful, jealous and petty. I literally despised most people who announced a pregnancy but put on a happy face.
I felt all of the above and more. I finally conceived with IVF, my first thankfully. I couldn't imagine the downward spiral I would have taken had it failed. Forget the emotion, that's a *** ton of money to spend on something that didn't work. My heart hurts thinking of having 4 attempts that failed.
I am not telling you all this for you to feel sorry for me or to make this post about me. I am doing so to give you insight on to how I felt and I can guarantee your SIL has felt every single one if not more. I think that you are being insensitive right now, especially by setting up the story with by telling everyone how petty she was during wedding season. You already put it negative thoughts in people's head before getting to the point. Shame on you. You and your family need to layoff of her. Like L&R mentioned this is probably the best way she knows how to handle it right now.
And for my last point, good for her husband, your brother. You should always put your spouse above all else. Sure, he could try to talk some sense into her but there is no sense or rationality to her emotions right now. I applaud him for staying by her side, exactly where he should be.
I would just give them space.
I doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.
It is sad that they are so upset that they have decided not to communicate with anyone in the family.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
so you are saying that if as a result of your IF that you had recently found out that you would not be having your own children and looking into adoption to then find out that your sister (s) were pregna t you would react just all fine and dandy? I think that by pulling away from a situation is not being selfish at all in fact it is allowing the mtb to enjoy her pregnancey and speak about it with the rest if the family without the fear of saying something wrong. To put yourself I that situation to soon is only going to make her healing process worse as well as I a sure put more of a distance between her and her sister in law why anyone thinks it okay to judge someone's reaction to griefe is beyond me. no ne is going to feel the same way In any situation- and I know for a act that. Would never put myself in that situation
It may be extream but it is understandable - no matter what happened with the wedding these is totally different. Ad deserves to be treated as so. During your treatments how would you have felt that while your sisters were pregna. T they were sending you flowers letters emails and other such things just reminding you at surprise moments - hey sorry you can't get pregnat and I can here is some candy
I am really shocked at how much negativity people can post on these blogs, especially when I was asking for support. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and reflections, but I didn't even share half of the history to how horrible she has been to me even BEFORE they found out I was pregnant.
I come from a family where if you don't have anything nice to say, then you shouldn't say it at all. That's where I get a little frustrated. Easter isn't the only holiday they have chosen to avoid my family - she also didn't come to my bridal shower because one of my college roommates was pregnant, Christmas because she had a headache, the list goes on.
I have supported them throughout their struggles with IVF. I was at their house when she thought she was miscarrying and went to the appointment where they found out they had lost the baby. I cleaned their house and did anything they asked from me during that time (I live two hours away).
I was simply asking for people to support that I may feel sad that my own brother is choosing to completely cut me out of his life. At this point, I know I can't change her or her thoughts toward me, but it's pretty low for a family member who you were close to in the past, to start ignoring you.
Thank you for listening and for those of you who have offered kind words. I'm a first time mom and new to discussion boards and will just continue to block the negativity because I don't need it here too!
Just to clarify, I was not pregnant at the time they were going through IVF. Their last round was months before I found out I was pregnant.
I have been in your SIL's shoes. My two best friends and I were all trying to get pregnant at the same time. Both of them got pregnant and had their babies a year before I did, in fact one of them got pregant TWICE before I did (she is now 27 weeks). It was very hard on me and sad to be around them pregnant and when they had babies but you know what I SUCKED IT UP and was thereand excited for the people I loved. I know everyone deals with infertility differenlty but it sounds like she needs to grow up. I would be more upset by my brother and parents continuing to let her be a martyr. Maybe you shoudl talk to your parents about how their excusing her actions is making you feel "guilty" about being pregnant. I don't think you can fix your relationship with your SIL right now, but you can talk to your parents and rest of your family to make the time with them feel more relaxed.
Sorry
Me: 34 DH: 35
Married: July 2009
BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013
Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016
3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3
First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
Actually, you asked for advise. And you got some from a variety of perspectives.
And lol at negativity in the responses. The more you respond, the more and more I can understand why your brother and SIL choose to isolate themselves from you.
BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
BFP/WTF#4 10/26/12 CP
BFP#5 12/10/12 EDD 8/23/2013
i don't know anyone that would be ready to move on from finding out that they were unable to have a biological child in just a few months. And if you say she has been distant from family events before you found out you were pregnat I would only assume that her behavior has nothing to do with the fact that you are pregnant it is simply that she is still grieving the fact that she is not and probably will not be. It's her and your brothers decision how to proceed with there situation and feelings at this point and it is not the place for you or your family to judge what makes them most comfortable.
I am sorry that some of the answers you got back were not what you wanted to hear that is the life of using the Internet to get your answers.
There wasn't a single person who responded with "negativity". Every single person agreed that on the whole, your SIL sounds like a giant twat. People simply pointed out that they are dealing with a whole hell of a lot of pain and hurt themselves and taking that into consideration might help you put the whole thing in perspective instead of just feeling sorry for yourself. Eventually, at some point, your brother will come back around, building up bitterness toward him because he is putting his wife (and family or lack thereof...meaning children, not you and grandma) first and not you will only hurt things more.
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
in her op she said she sent flowers cookies etc. I was just simply pointing out that what those things could be saying to her SIL I don't know anyone who would want to get those things during fertility treatments or finding out they cannot get pregnant.. Also she said later that they did not come to her bridal shower or Christmas - now they don't Come to an event and its only because she is KU? I think that understanding is key and in my opinion what they are going through is comparable to a loss of a child. Who is anyone to say when they have grieved enough or how much somone else has to deal with so you don't feel bad (not saying at all that you should feel bad) I think anyone that has responded 'negatively' is just telling you to give them space you sent the letter for a reason right? To let them process privately well that is what they are doing.