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October 2011 Moms
Shannon526
member
I am livid (vent, obviously)
Shannon526
member
I apologize in advance for any rambling..
MH works in an office setting in Boston. While he's at work, he is usually able to message me through Skype throughout the day, but he told me that he had training all day yesterday and wouldn't be online. Ok NBD right? That's what I thought.
I get a text today that was obviously not meant for me. I assume it was meant for his sister (who I will be seeing tonight) and it said something along the lines of "Please don't tell Shannon I was with Ma all day yesterday, she thinks I was at work."
So I'm pretty confident that he wasn't out with some bimbo.. but still. I am so pissed at him for lying to me! I texted him back some profanities and told him that I don't trust him. He responded by saying sorry, and that he just needed a break from work...
I just don't understand why he couldn't have been honest with me?? I wouldn't have minded if he needed a mental health day, but the web of lies he put up just to go to his mother's house makes me wonder if that's really all he was doing.
I even picked him up from the train station at the exact same time I normally would if he were at work.. and funny thing is, I told him he was acting wierd and I smelled beer on his breath.. he told me that the Sales team at his work was handing out beer again (which has been known to happen before.. at least from what he tells me.. now I'm not sure) and that it was just a long day of training.
I think I wouldn't be so upset if we hadn't had our trust issues in the past. While we were dating, we both lied pretty badly to each other, and I honestly thought we were past that part in our lives...
My concern is this... if he is lying to me about going to his mother's house.. what else is he hiding?
If you made it this far, you are awesome.. If I knew how to put a GIF in posts I would totally find some kick asss dessert... So here's some cake instead 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I am livid (vent, obviously)
That really stinks, Shannon. You have every right to be pissed, and I'm glad you let him have it. Once you are able to calm down, I hope that the two of you can have a productive talk about why he thought he had to hide it from you that he was stressed at work and taking a day off to go to his mom. Because that isn't the kind of thing you should have to hide from your spouse, and since he has now created a new trust issue (especially with your history, it seems) it's going to make it hard for him to come to you with more serious things and hard for you to believe anything he tells you. I hope he can explain things well and begin to repair the damage he's done.
BFP #1: July 12, 2010 Natural M/C: July 26, 2010
BFP #2: January 30 ,2011 Born: September 29, 2011
BFP #3: January 5, 2013 Born: August 25, 2013
I would be upset, too. Are there issues between you and his mom, like you don't want him to see her? If not, why lie about it? (Then again, if so, he shouldn't be lying about it, either.)
Like pp, there have been days I've been tempted to take a mental health day and keep it to myself so DH doesn't try to get in on it, but in the end, I always come clean.
If there have been trust issues in the past, it's time for a sit down about open communication. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Burned by the Bear
I totally agree with what the other ladies have said here. I'm sorry you are going through this - it sucks when there isn't enough trust in a relationship. Having been on the other end (DH doesn't trust me with money because I used to be REALLY bad with it) the only advice I can offer is similar to what everyone else has said. Once you've had time to get over the shock & disappointment of his lie, sit down with him and calmly talk it over. Make a deal with each other to always be honest with each other - even if that means saying you need a break from each other.
DH & I were at each other's throats a few weeks ago over the money issue (which seems to be a near constant in our lives) and I told him to just go to the gym after work & don't worry about getting home before DD went to bed. He was planning on going to a friend's house on Saturday night & he decided to make it for the weekend. We discussed it & decided it was best for us to be away from each other for a few days. It actually really helped.
I would just advise you to make sure that you are really calm about it when you talk - otherwise things can get heated when they don't need to. Best of luck - I hope it all works out.
I completely get where you're coming from and think I would feel the same way. I don't really think there should be lying in a relationship (other than planning surprise parties/trips/etc.), and I do think there's a difference in not apprising your SO of every detail and flat out lying. For instance, if he had taken the day off without telling you, but then told you later that night, like several ladies here have suggested.
I tend think if one partner is comfortable about lying in one area, there's a good chance they are comfortable about lying in another. I know a pretty popular poster (no one on this board) who literally cannot tell the truth to her husband. Once I met her at the supermarket and she told me that if her husband asked, we never met, because she told him she had to run to the office. She lies about where she's going, who's she's with, what she's doing. And that's carried over to other areas in her life. She's lost friends because we've caught her in her lies. Currently she has a ton of people fawning over her because she's posts lies about her "struggles". I just think lying becomes easy and a part of life for some people. I think it's habit and a hard one to break.
The truth will set you free
Thanks ladies. I definitely agree the conversation needs to be once I've calmed down.
To answer the question of my relationship with my MIL.. we get along just fine. The only issue I have with her is allowing her to watch L by herself. I don't feel comfortable with her doing that just yet and MH knows it. I'm not sure if that would be reason enough for MH to feel the need to hide from going over to her house or not.. like I said.. she and I get along great and I don't see that being the reason.. but who knows?
I have to meet MH and SIL in the city tonight for a tour of the L/D ward at the hospital SIL and I will be delivering at.. so hopefully I won't rip his head off before we get home lol. Kidding aside.. I hope to be able to tell him exactly what is on my mind about all this and come to some sort of agreement.
I guess I'm also mad that he thought it was ok to just take a day off and leave his 35 week pregnant wife alone for the day with a miserable, teething, refuses-to-sleep, toddler. Because damnit I could use a break too :-p
Argh, sorry again for the rambling.. I guess I'm trying to blow off some steam here before seeing MH tonight. Thanks again ladies for listening.
This is what I'm nervous of.
Yeah, you definitely need to talk, because this isn't okay. However, I think it's more productive for you to get any anger out now so you can talk to him with a clear head. I think he's lying to avoid confrontation. Your getting angry might just make him feel justified. So try to show him that open communication is the better way.
And try not to jump to conclusions. If you have no other reasons to think something bigger is going on, it probably isn't.
Good points ovey, thank you.
That sucks, and is now way acceptable. There is no room for lying in a relationship. Even if it was totally innocent he's broken your trust. Also bringing others in on his lie to cover for him is just not cool.
Everyone has given you very sound advice. I hope you're able to have a good talk with YH about this after you've calmed down. Hopefully this is just an isolated incident, and he'll see how crappy it was of him and not do it again.
I haven't read what PP said but I think that you should be very upset. I also agree that if he lies about one thing that it starts to dissolve all trust in a relationship and he needs to understand that. I think both of you need to have a really long talk about trust and communication. If you both can not communicate your needs to one another, and be honest with each other, then that isn't going to bode well for your relationship in the long term. I hope you will be able to get everything worked out so that nothing like this ever happens again. Best wishes to you.
Ovey, you're a genius and I should hire you as my life coach.
Shannon, I would be so livid that he lied. I hope you guys can get through this without rehashing too much of your dating past, which I know you know is unproductive.
My initial thought is that this is the reason he lied. If he told you he needed a little break, you would have expected him to stay home and I'm assuming he probably wanted to relax, not deal with the cranky, miserable toddler and rightfully cranky, uncomfortable wife. I am in no way saying what he did was right, it's not, at all, I just think he lied because he really wanted some time to himself.
It's totally understandable to want some alone time. My big issue with this would be why he felt he wasn't able to tell you exactly what he needed.
So I talked to MH on the drive home from the hospital tour... I guess it went as well as to be expected.
He somehow managed to justify his lying as my fault.. because (he says) I am so insensitive to his feelings, that he didn't feel comfortable telling me he needed a day off. He also said that he knew if he told me he wanted to take a day off, that I wouldn't "allow" him to go (not true).
Without getting into another long story.. let me just sum this up by saying we've had this conversation many times, and I always end up telling MH that he needs to give me the opportunity to prove him wrong. I can't respond a certain way if he hides it from me.. and once I find out he lied, then I end up responding negatively.. which further reinforces his belief that I react a certain way... if that makes any sense.
Basically, it's a vicious circle... and I'm not sure who's in the wrong TBH. I want him to be able to tell me things, and if I respond insensitvely, then I want him to be able to tell me that, so I can work on reacting in a more helpful way.
Sorry this is turning into another novel. I hate complaining about my personal issues, because I know there are others who are dealing with far worse things, but it is helpful to be able to have an outlet when I need it. I don't have many close GFs that I could vent to, so again.. thank you ladies so much for giving me advice and support. I really welcome all of it.
Plus doesn't he need to save his personal time to be off when the baby gets here? He couldn't have planned something on a day he's off anyway?
Preach it sista... I sometimes feel like I can't win.. I think the only good things that have come of this so far is that I'll be getting a backrub every night until DD2 gets here. He knows he effed up, he's not denying that, but like you said, trying to put a lot of the blame on my faults is not cool.
And I'm totally doing something for myself this weekend... I'm not one to get pedicures but I just might have to get one after my prenatal massage
After reading your update - that's some bullshit what he's doing. To predetermine that you are going to react a certain way, do something shady, get his shadiness discovered which is sure to piss ANYONE off, and then use the pissed off reaction about the lies to say "see - this is how I knew you were going to react, so that's why I lied" - ALL OF THAT is just fucked up and completely illogical and you need to call him out on that. That's like going out today and buying yourself some expensive clothes, hiding them in the car where he will find them complete with the receipt, then when he confronts you on your crazy spending be like "See? This is why I didn't tell you, because you wouldn't let me buy any clothes".
The real issue with your husband is not that he needed a day off and wanted to go to his mom's house to avoid having to help you out. The real issue is that he a) told a completely elaborate lie to you and b) tried to use your reaction about the lie to reinforce that he had to lie in the first place. Whenever anyone is lied to, they have a legitimate reason to be upset, no matter how big or small the lie, no matter the reasons they other party felt they had to justify their lying. The person being lied to is going to be upset and hurt that they were lied to. Period. And to justify continual lying with the KNOWN reaction to any lying is just shitty. So call him out on it. You cannot lie to someone, have them find out, and then say that their justified reaction to being lied to is the cause of you lying to them in the first place. They lied first, the reaction to the lie came second. You can't say the second thing caused the first!
Sorry, I'm just so pissed for you!
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