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Blended Families
caden1206
member
Suggestions needed regarding sports/activities
caden1206
member
For a couple years my son has been involved in sports. His dad hasn't always been the most supportive through these activities, but I keep on pushing because ultimately it is what my son wants. We do most of the heavy lifting in regards to the sports, so on his EOW I don't think it is that big of a deal for him to act involved. Over the years I have had to get really obvious about my son's practices and games, because his dad would pretend like he didn't know and/or isn't able to make it. This year I have made sure that he knows by keeping him, his wife, and my son up to date on all the emails and schedules. After this weekend I was kind of disturbed about something my son told me. He told me that his dad tried to tell him he didn't have practice this weekend, but my son knew and had to argue with him and make him look at his email. His dad made up some excuse and made it better with my son. I, of course, didn't say anything but I know for a fact he was lying. Not to mention his wife was playing that same game too, because she is getting these notifications as well. In the past I have tried to talk to my son's father about how important these activities are to him, but it always ends up with a fight. I really don't know why he doesn't want to be supportive of our son. I really don't think he is understanding that our son is getting older and the things he wants to do EOW are different than when he was little. Do any of you have any suggestions or anything else I could do to help my son? I really don't want to go back to court and I don't think I would even win trying to mandate that he has to let our son be involved in extracurricular activities. I would appreciate advice or experiences.
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Re: Suggestions needed regarding sports/activities
BD lying to his son about the events is wrong.
You scheduling something on BDs time is also wrong. You are effectively tying their hands when it comes to making their own schedule for their family.
You updating both BD and SM something that is not their responsibility is pushy and were I the SM in this scenario, I would ignore your directives too.
Thanks for your response. Are you saying that it is not right to keep them updated on activities that my child wants to participate in? How can I do a better job allowing them to be responsible and also still advocate for the things my son wants to do? I don't by any means mandate, because I simply can't? As a SM, what would help you to understand that certain things are important to your SKs? My son has started to say he doesn't want to go to his dad's anymore because it is getting obvious that the things that are important to him are not important to his dad. I continue to encourage him to go and try to help him talk to his father, but it seems like that is getting old to my son.
She signed them up for swimming lessons even though they know how to swim. She never mentioned/discussed it until the day before the first lesson and then wanted half the money for it. She can't make plans on BF's time especially without talking to him. Court even said only to bring them if it was feasible. Since we spent the summer swimming at the ocean, lakes and in my parents pool, i'd rather they spent that time with us, then driving 30 mins each way for a 30 min lesson they didn't need. They were fine with not going as we were always doing something fun with them instead.
But seeing how she has them all week and EOWE, I do have issues with her makinb plans for them on our time. We get such limited time with them as it is, and have lots of family that wants to see them too.
I spend every week and my weekends shuffling my son to an from school and other activities with a smile.
I think activities are important. If an event/sport falls on DHs time (NCP) or BMs time (CP) we all attend everything we can. We are all in support of them being involved.
But the part above bothers me. BM#2 has said similar. When you don't have your kids everyday and only get to spend quality time every other weekend you are not as quick to give up your time. If this is legit for sports then he should make every effort and should never lie to his son. If it is for extras then let it go.
I will give you an example: The girls are in competitive cheer for junior high. We make sure they attend all practices and competitions on our time.
BM#2 insists they also attend all the high school competitions to support the team and to get in good with the high school coach. This isn't a must and she will have a fit and say the same you said above if we already have plans.
Just remember it is easier to give up your time when you have them all the time.
Do you guys really feel that allowing your children to participate in extracurricular activities on your time as giving up your time? Maybe that is where I am going wrong. I believe taking my son to an from activities that he chooses as spending time with him and supporting him. We obviously have different parenting philosophies (BF and I), but I the more responses from the other side I get the more I am hearing that the main issue is that I am indirectly impacting his father's time by allowing him to participate. I appreciate the responses and as the mother I might have to approach this a different way.
Why do I need to ask his permission to allow my son to participate in things just because he sees him EOWE? He doesn't ask me if I need the money when he doesn't pay child support. He can make the decision on whether to take him, my question is and how do I make his father understand that he wants to participate in these things? How do I keep their relationship from straining as my son gets older and becomes more assertive? The unfortunate aspect of this is my son is sharing his feelings with me and it breaks my heart that his father cannot see what is important to him.
To an extent I agree with this.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't enroll your DS in things if a part of it falls on BF's time but if BF didn't agree to the activity it's wrong to assume he will be willing to participate.
Some parents think extra activities are very important and some don't think they are important at all. BF may not value them or may feel that taking DS to an activity isn't the best use of his limited parenting time. When you co-parent with someone you don't get to dictate how they spend their parenting time.
If an activity is important to DS it's unfair that he has to miss out but there are plenty of things in a blended family that are unfair.
I'm a SM and DH and I have 3 together. The only day I ever know for sure that DH will have off work is Sunday. We also have SK's EOWE. Sundays are always family days. DS briefly did MMA on Tuesdays but then the class was moving to Sundays. It was important to him that he go. I liked the things he was learning and I wanted him to go but it was on a Sunday. I told DS no. It's not that going to the class would be giving up my time but IMO it wasn't the best use of that time. Activities are important but time with family is just as, if not more important.
I agree with the bold 100% and the fact that you don't see why you should have to ask him might just be part of your problem. If he says no then you should still put your child in what you want but I think it is something that should be discussed before especially if you want him to work with you. It his BF's time and he can do as he pleases. As your son gets older he will have things for school that are mandatory and BF won't have a choice so hang in there.
We always speak with with BM first. With SS # 1 we talk to BM about what we want to do and she always agrees. Usually she leaves SS here if he has something to do. We don't get along with SS # 2's mom at all but we just asked her if he could play a sport this spring and she said yes! I'm excited. If she would have said no he would have just missed on her weekends.
I have asked in the past and it is always the same thing, "we will see". I finally go to the point, especially when I was a single parent, that I gave up asking because it was no way to plan me or my son's life. I don't like living in limbo and I don't like telling my son no when the majority of the responsibility falls on my shoulders anyways. I have never once mandated or required him to take our son to things, because I can't. Ultimately his time is his time. I am not confused by that, but that does not mean I don't have to deal with my son's disappointment or resistance about going to his father's. I do think my main problem is that his father thinks it is me dictating his scheduled time, when in fact I am not. These things are about our son. I wish this was easier.
How old is your son?
Why isn't he being directed to talk to BD about these issues?
What do you mean you don't like to tell your son no?
As a parent you tell your kids no ALL THE TIME. Can I stay up later? no Can I have cake for breakfast? no Can I skip my shower? no Can I stay home from school? no
What you mean is you don't want to tell your son no when it has to do with BD.
Yup.
Sweet Mother of God are you crazy presumptuous, bordering on sanctimonious and heading towards martyrdom.
The fact that you actually stated" How can I do a better job allowing them to be responsible" is galling.
Who are YOU to imply that they are not being responsible for doing what YOU or even what your son (who is a minor and does not have a say) wants?
Who are YOU to decide that extracirricular activities supercede spending family time.
Who are YOu to decide that taking out a huge chunk of the day for driving to and fro is perfectly acceptable.
As for this gem...."As a SM, what would help you to understand that certain things are important to your SKs".....
Who are YOU to try to "help me" understand anything. You want to work with your exhusband, have at it. But do not presume to believe that if I do not do what YOU want, that I am discounting what is important to my SK or their biological mother.
I most certainly do not believe that if a child only sees his/her parent 4 days (with only 2 full days out fo that four) out of a month, that loosing 2-6 hours out of those 2 full days is the right thing for the child.
Especially when no child died from NOT being able to participate in an extra cirricular activity...
AND especially when there are more and more studies that show that spending time with your parents DOES actually have a life long impact.
Now, you have drummed up the fact that your Ex hasnt paid child support to help bolster your side, but you did not tell us what he was doing instead of taking his child to the sports event. I would have expected you to immediately tattle that he just sits at home and ignores his son as a way to show us just how dead beat he is...but you didnt.
And you know what, he may be that crap dad. But the minute you tlaked to me like I was a child, you lost all support.
Agree with all of the bolded.
OP, I understand that having children in activities is good for them It gives them a chance to socialize and learn teamwork and other wonderful qualities. But I can tell you as a BM I would never just presume that DC should take the kids to cheer/football/band/tumbling during his time if it wasn't something that I discussed with him prior and got his written consent. If he didn't consent to it then I would just deal with the fact that the kids wouldn't be going during DC's time. As a SM, I can also tell you how damn frustrating it is to have BM enroll K in something without discussing it with my husband first and then demand that we take K when she's with us, and we have K 40% of the time. BM's/BD's do not get to dictate what happens during the other parent's time. Period.
Does this suck for your son? Yes. But you're kind of setting him up for disappointment by signing him up for stuff and expecting his dad to take him. Many coaches have encountered some sort of blended family issue and I'm sure your son isn't the first, nor will he be the last, child who has had to miss practices or games due to the vistiation schedule. It would be a great courtesy for you to provide DS's coach with the schedule so that he/she knows what is going on. And as a SM, whenever BM has ordered me to take K somewhere during our time, I don't even acknowledge her. You should not be giving the information to SM unless she and XH have specifically asked for you to CC her in the emails.
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I was actually asking a legitimate question about how to better co-parent and work a blended family, while trying to make sure my son gets opportunities. I was not attacking you or talking to you like you were a child. I actually appreciated your comments since you were a SM. I did not find it pertinent to bring up everything bad about my son's father, because that totally negates my point of trying to work better and get things accomplished. I find it offensive when people say shame on me as the BM for trying to get things done. Your opening statement is offensive as well. I don't have to tattle because I am not trying to build a case against him. I really didn't find it necessary to play out the last eight years so that you guys can make a judgment call. I was trying to get a honest opinion. Other than the statement about shame on me, I have taken everyone's criticism well and even found great insight that I think can better help me understand both sides.
I don't order anyone to do anything. That would make things worse, and I know that. As for my son's involvement, if he wants to do something he should be able to and during my time we make it happen. I just know that my son is starting to get frustrated because he doesn't want to go to his dad's because of the things he wants to do. I want to avoid these issues as much a possible and I guess I thought if my son's father understood the importance it held in our son's life he would maybe do a better job. I was wondering how everyone else deals with these scenarios. I guess I didn't realize how much of this really isn't about my son and more about scheduling conflicts.
To better answer some of the other people's questions, my son's father lives about 150 miles from me. This is after he spent a significant amount of money attempting to bind me to the county and state I live in. He moved after the fact. My son is 10 and he is just starting to communicate with his dad about what he wants. He has always been very go with the flow, but now he wants to do more of what he wants. I think it is sometimes easier to ask me to do things in regards to his dad because he doesn't want to make him mad. He just doesn't understand, nor have I explained to him, that I am bound to a contract that makes me turn him over EOWE. Plus, I wouldn't want to keep him from his dad.
Good lord, this thread. As long as you are willing to accept that BF does not have to take him to activities on his time, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be asking what can you do to impress upon him the importance of the activities to your son. I get it. (How old is your son btw?) However, you need to realize the key is having your son express that disappointment to his father over missed practices or games or activities. And I don't mean manipulate your son into speaking for you.
We tell SKs that what BM decides about their activites/games/practices on her time is her decision and we have no control over that. So when she flakes out or won't let them go, it is on her and as they are getting older they are expressing their frustration and resentment over it to her (and to us, but we calmly and simply repeat that we are sorry, but it is her choice- we make the rules at our house and she makes the rules at hers). BM is aware when we sign them up for sports, is in agreement with it (we usually don't even know when practices and game times are when we sign up for sports), is included on all email communications from the coach, etc. but that doesn't mean we can make her do anything. As kids get older, they will get vocal and give alot of pushback. But it needs to come from your son to his father/SM and not from you, unless we are talking about something regarding his education or health. BM regularly lies to SKs about stuff like you are describing, they always uncover the truth or realize she is lying - it only damages her own relationship with her children. Sad, but nothing you can do about it.
It is a lesson for the kids that this is life and it is what it is. I get where you are coming from, but honestly it sounds like YOU are imposing this on BF and SM and that is why you are met with resistance. When BM sends us some self serving email about how much pride SS takes in his piano lessons and how she wants him to do his recital over a baseball game on a particular day, we pretty much ignore it and consider the source. We know SS prefers sports to piano, but the bottomline is whose time does it fall on. If it's her day, DH simply responds with it is your time and up to you to decide.
ETA: If your ex-H lives 150 miles away from you and presumbaly 150 miles away from the activities, then I would add it is patently unreasonable for you to expect DS to be able to attend any practices or games during that weekend with his dad. That should be a consideration you make upfront when signing him up for activites, a discussion you have with DS at the outset of the season ('you know you will likely be missing x games because of the long drive") and you give the coach a heads up as well. You simply can't impose that on BF, even if DS really wants it. DS is 10 and should be made to understand it is unreasonable to expect his dad to do that on a regular basis.
*** siggy warning- losses mentioned- everyone welcome *****
Me: 36
DH: 42 (w/ 2 children from prior marriage)
Us: TTC for our 1st together since August 2013
1st BFP: November 2013 (m/c at 7 wks)
2nd BFP: February 2014 (m/c at 6 wks)
RPL Panel started in March 2014
3rd BFP: May 2014 (m/c at 5 wks)
4th BFP: June 2014 (CP at 4 wks)
RE appt in June 2014 (all RPL panel tests are normal...it's likely egg quality due to my age and borderline DOR)
Baseline AFC: 8 follies
2 IUI cycles (July and August 2014- both BFN)
IVF #1 w/ ICSI & PGS- October 2014 (AFC: 8 follies; ER Oct 20: 5R/3M/2F; the 2 only made it to day 3 and stopped growing before biopsy)
key supplements: DHEA (25mg- 3x/day); CoQ10 (300 mg/day) ISWTE believer here!
IVF #2 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS- AFC: 13 follies! 10R/6M/6F- 5 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET scheduled for February 2015 delayed in order to do one more ER in hopes of getting at least 1 more normal embryo
IVF #3 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS: 7R/5M/5F- 2 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET #1 April 23, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred - BFN
FET #2 June 30, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred- BFP!!
Actually, that is not what I meant. I just feel that my son should have opportunities. I had them growing up and I have very fond memories. I want my son to have those as long as they are in his best interest.
Wait, so your XH lives 150 miles away and sees DS EOWE and you're upset that he's not willing to drive DS to these activities? Seriously? I'm trying really hard not to be snarky and condescending, but come on.
You cannot honestly expect someone to drive 300 miles round-trip to take their child, who they only see EOWE, to an activity that lasts a couple hours. You're basically expecting that BD spend appx 5 hours in the car for a 2 hour activity. How is that beneficial to your son? Your DS is 10, it's not as though he's getting looked at for some sort of athletic scholarship. Heck, my daughter is 9 and if I was expected to drive her 150 miles away for cheer twice a month I'd pull her out in a heartbeat. That's absolutely ridiculous. No wonder you're just getting static from BD and SM.
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They usually stay in the same city we live in. They don't normally drive back and forth during their weekends. Honestly, I don't want my son driving in the car that much because it puts him at risk. If they were to go home every weekend, then I would understand, but since they stay here for most weekends regardless of the activities I don't think it is bad to ask them participate. Again, I am not expecting them to, I know better, I am just wanting to blend this better for my son.
Ok, if they aren't having to drive 300 miles roundtrip, then I go back to my original response. SS is almost 10 as well and only just now starting to assert himself with BM. You have to let it happen naturally. SD on the other hand who is almost 7 has never had a problem giving any of us the whatfor. SSs personality is more mild, but he has had enough with BM causing him to the miss the things that are important to him. BUT just because he is expressing it to you or BF, doesn't mean it is going to change anything. It might help - you can only hope.
As far as your comments regarding SM, let me say this. The BM-SM relationship is tenuous at best no matter what anyone says. Keep in mind that any moment she can perceive your actions as overbearing or controlling. The little things set me off as a SM (I'm sure it goes both ways)- BM gives SS a banana when we pick him up and tells him he MUST eat that banana today (on our time). It's a stupid banana, but the message just rubbed me the wrong way. Lady if the banana is so important, you should have made your son eat that banana yesterday or this morning before we came- don't dictate what he is eating on our time. Ridiculous I know, but a true example to give you perspective.
If they have never asked to be on the email chain for the sports, then you need to ask them now if they prefer to stay on the chain in the future, do they want you to forward them emails as you get them, do they want you to just let them know about games/practices that happen to fall on their time, or not at all? Giving them the choice says you are respecting their time. We would all hope that BF would want to be informed as possible about his son's life so he could, for example, come to a game that wasn't on his weekend once in a while, but that's what you and I would want for our kids, and we can't impose it on others.
*** siggy warning- losses mentioned- everyone welcome *****
Me: 36
DH: 42 (w/ 2 children from prior marriage)
Us: TTC for our 1st together since August 2013
1st BFP: November 2013 (m/c at 7 wks)
2nd BFP: February 2014 (m/c at 6 wks)
RPL Panel started in March 2014
3rd BFP: May 2014 (m/c at 5 wks)
4th BFP: June 2014 (CP at 4 wks)
RE appt in June 2014 (all RPL panel tests are normal...it's likely egg quality due to my age and borderline DOR)
Baseline AFC: 8 follies
2 IUI cycles (July and August 2014- both BFN)
IVF #1 w/ ICSI & PGS- October 2014 (AFC: 8 follies; ER Oct 20: 5R/3M/2F; the 2 only made it to day 3 and stopped growing before biopsy)
key supplements: DHEA (25mg- 3x/day); CoQ10 (300 mg/day) ISWTE believer here!
IVF #2 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS- AFC: 13 follies! 10R/6M/6F- 5 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET scheduled for February 2015 delayed in order to do one more ER in hopes of getting at least 1 more normal embryo
IVF #3 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS: 7R/5M/5F- 2 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET #1 April 23, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred - BFN
FET #2 June 30, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred- BFP!!
I don't think that kids in blended families shouldn't be able to take part in extracurriculars when they are w the parent of alternate residence, but as the parent of primary residence I fully admit that I may have bais. Like the op I feel that doing extracurriculars is important and in the best interest of the child. It makes me sad for my dc when exh won't agree to them, but I have learned that I have no control over what he does during his parenting time and I have to just accept that dc will miss every other weekend of the program. There is nothing I can do so I have to let it go.
I discuss these things in advance w exh even though I can predict his reaction bc it is the correct way to co parent. I think op that your reminders are probably backfiring and I would back off. You just have to accept that you will not be able to influence what your exh and his wife do about these practices. IMO as our children grow up they will start to make decisions about where they want to spend their time and what they want to do. At that point they will get to fully take part in activities that they want to.
As a mom you want to make life perfect for your kid but perfection isn't possible when there is a divorce unfortunately. I just try to do what I can to make my dc's life great, and then I let go of what I know I can't control.
We have definitely had that conversation, but he doesn't go back to their house very often. He knows when he is in town. Like I said before, I am just trying to deal with my son's feelings and his dad. The lying the other day disturbed me because it is a matter of time before my son catches on.
Hahahaha just wanted to comment on this part (totally off topic I know) but BM does this to us quite a bit. Except it's not usually a banana and "eat this today". Many times it's been me getting there to get K and K is eating a bean burrito and BM tells her to finish it in my car. Lady, no kids eat in my car, especially not a dripping bean burrito! It's called poor planning: feed the child before the exchange or just say, "Hey LO hasn't eaten yet, sorry".
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Yes, I am learning that even though I have been shot down in the past by Ex-H that I should probably keep trying when it comes to 'asking'. Sometimes the years beat you down and you eventually just try to cope with what you have.
We have definitely had that conversation, but he doesn't go back to their house very often. He knows when he is in town. Like I said before, I am just trying to deal with my son's feelings and his dad. The lying the other day disturbed me because it is a matter of time before my son catches on.
The lying is disturbing. We don't volunteer that BM is lying when we figure it out, but we do correct SKs when they tell us what she has said, especially if it involves us. If she can't pick the kids up from school on her day and she makes arrangements for someone else to get them, the kids will automatically ask why can't DH or I pick them up (we are good about helping each other since we live so close) and she tells them we can't because we are too busy. At that point, DH will tell them that is not true, she never even asked him about it, and he would be available but that is her choice on her day who picks them up. As SM all I say is if there is a problem with the person picking you up (meaning they don't show up- that is their fear), just call me and I will get come get you immediately. If she were to say she didn't know about a practice or a game, DH would matter of factly tell them that she gets the same email we do. No further discussion. They usually don't respond but you can see the wheels turning in their heads trying to reconcile all of this. Poor things.
*** siggy warning- losses mentioned- everyone welcome *****
Me: 36
DH: 42 (w/ 2 children from prior marriage)
Us: TTC for our 1st together since August 2013
1st BFP: November 2013 (m/c at 7 wks)
2nd BFP: February 2014 (m/c at 6 wks)
RPL Panel started in March 2014
3rd BFP: May 2014 (m/c at 5 wks)
4th BFP: June 2014 (CP at 4 wks)
RE appt in June 2014 (all RPL panel tests are normal...it's likely egg quality due to my age and borderline DOR)
Baseline AFC: 8 follies
2 IUI cycles (July and August 2014- both BFN)
IVF #1 w/ ICSI & PGS- October 2014 (AFC: 8 follies; ER Oct 20: 5R/3M/2F; the 2 only made it to day 3 and stopped growing before biopsy)
key supplements: DHEA (25mg- 3x/day); CoQ10 (300 mg/day) ISWTE believer here!
IVF #2 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS- AFC: 13 follies! 10R/6M/6F- 5 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET scheduled for February 2015 delayed in order to do one more ER in hopes of getting at least 1 more normal embryo
IVF #3 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS: 7R/5M/5F- 2 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET #1 April 23, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred - BFN
FET #2 June 30, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred- BFP!!
That totally made me chuckle too. I could only imagine if I ever did that. I am sure that is annoying.
Yes asking becomes just a formality but it has to be done bc it's the right thing to do. Re the lying, yes ds will catch on and is that really a bad thing? Of course you don't want your son to see his dad as a liar but if he chooses to lie then that's a reflection of his character.
I just recently posted about wanting to put SS in an extra-curricular activity when he is with us EOWE. He is 4, and at this age, won't really notice missing a practice on BM's weekends. The plan for us though, is to decide what activity we would like him to participate in, that fits best for him and for us, and then talk to BM. Depending on the activity, will depend on her involvement. Playdates, aren't really much of her business, but if we decide to do something like karate, we will discuss with her to see how much she wants to be involved and if it is ok for him to come to tournaments or whatever if they happen to fall on her weekend (for which we would drive to pick him up and take him home). If she says no, she says no, and thats ok. There would be no way we would expect her to bring him to our side of town for that activity. We would ask if she wanted to be made aware of tournaments etc on our weekends, because I could see her wanting to come, but if she doesn't thats her business, not ours.
I agree with the posters saying that it is easy to give up your time when you have him all the time. You consider running around spending time with him because he enjoys it, but you are also there every night with him after the activities, before bed, and every morning as he gets ready for school, and every day that he doesn't have activities, etc.. 48 hours isn't much time...every 2 weeks... Where do they stay when they come in town? If I was already having to leave my house to spend the weekend with SS twice a month, I would be hesitant to also be running around town for those activites. I would want that time spent with him doing things we want to expose him to, things that were important to myself or DH growing up that we want SS to experience too.
We live 2hrs from BM, a 110 mile roundtrip, and, honestly, SS would be missing practices if he had them scheduled on our weekends. We would be there for every game, tournament, etc. But practice? No.
Also off topic, but I think this is one of my greatest pet peeves. We pick up SS and they try to send him with us with cups from BM's house, one time he even brought a bowl...I don't have time to keep up with it, and it's not necessary, we have utensils and everything at our house believe it or not! This week was the last straw. BM got SS a LARGE chocolate shake from McDonalds, right before we arrived to pick him up (like she was following us into the driveway as we pulled up, and the fast food is a totally different pet peeve). He was crying about having to leave his shake so BM handed it to him in our car...20 min later on the drive home he spilled it everywhere...We cleaned it up as best we could an hour and a half later when we made it home, but I got into my car today and thought I was going to vomit from the rotten milk smell coming from my back seat. No more drinks from BM's period. We will bring water in a sports bottle with us next time if it's that important to have a drink in the car.
I didn't read every response but just wanted to make a few comments.
A possible solution would be to switch around the current visitation schedule so that your son can participate in his activities on your time.
My daughter used to go to BF EOW, but now her dance classes are on Saturday morning (she competes so she can't miss class). He agreed to give up Friday night with her so that I can get her to class Saturday morning. He just gets her more weekends than EOW, and also more often during school breaks. I've never asked him to take her to the actual classes as I know it's out of his way and even if it wasn't he probably wouldn't take her. It doesn't matter to me that all of the burden of getting her to classes, rehearsals, competitions, etc. falls on me.
You can't make someone be the kind of parent you want them to be (taking kids to activities, being honest, etc). The only thing you can do is focus on your parenting and let go of the rest.
The bolded is really something that I have got to come to grips with. Even after all this time I still have a hard time. But, you and everyone else that has made that statement are right and hopefully one day I will be able to accept it. It is just hard when you love your kid and sometime you want so desperately them to not feel the impact of being divorced.
I think I might approach trying to switch things up a little more with our schedule. It is just if I can get his father to communicate with me. There is a lot of resentment regarding me that I think his wife influences his lack of communication. Without going into the reasons why, I think she likes to play the game of not communicating with me and trying to leave me in the dark of what is going on. That is why I kind of offered her the olive branch by including her in everything...oh well we will see. Fortunately, I only work three days a week and my SO is available so we can do a lot a to help our son as long as we know what we need to do. Thank you for the suggestions.