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Blended Families
FutureMrsWittig
member
How do you do it?
FutureMrsWittig
member
Generally, in our blended family, if one parent imposes some kind of punishment or consequence we communicate it and the other parent enforces it. So if SD is grounded from TV at our house, she's grounded at BMs house too. It's worked out pretty well thus far.
But what would you do if the other parent punished for something, and you didn't feel the child was in the wrong?
BM called today and told us that she grounded SD because when they reminded her that she would spend the next 2 weekends in a row at their house (Spring Break, as per the CO) she came back with "Only because I have to."
While we understand that what she said was hurtful to her mom, it's how she feels, and we hesitate to punish her for voicing her feelings. (Maybe more so because her mom dips out on her so often, her feelings are totally valid). But we don't want her to think that she's getting away with something, and we do want her to learn to be careful with her words, because she can be very hurtful.
WWYD?
Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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Re: How do you do it?
I kinda am torn. I mean if you've always supported each other's households in that manner (which I commend by the way)I don't know how it is fair to start picking and choosing.
But on the other hand, like you said, she is entitled to her feelings and she chose to express them.
Tough one. I'll be reading what others think for sure.
If DH hands down a punishment when I'm not around I back him up even if I don't agree. I think it is important for parents to show a united front no matter what.
BD would rather die than tell me anything that happens at his house. I have no doubt that he will continue that attitude and never tell me about any punishments or poor behavior from DS. I just follow my own punishments. For example, he got into the cat food and put it EVERYWHERE while I was cooking dinner. It was the night before he left for BDs. DS lost his ability to feed the cat for 3 days. I just continued the punishment once he got home.
In your situation, I would find a compromise. Talk to her about how hurtful her actions were. Reiterate it is fine to feel whatever you feel but there's a time and place to express those feelings when you know they are hurtful. Then maybe restrict some things but don't go all out. Does that make sense? I think you should support her BM even though it's a pretty questionable situation. You could ground her from A and B but not X, Y, or Z.
To the topic at hand I feel this issue is probably going to come up more often as SD gets older. I personally don't think SD should be grounded for being honest, but I am not her parent. I do, however, thinks she needs talking to about respect. I have often told my son that there is plenty you can think, but it doesn't all have to come flying out of your mouth. Words can be hurtful and kids need to learn that. I am sure she knows all of this but probably needs a good reminder. Talking about with her might even open up the floodgates and she might tell you what sparked such a reaction. You might be able to use that opportunity to reinforce your love for her, as well as BMs. I would first talk to BM about thisfirst. Tell her how you guys honestly feel and why. If BM has done things in the past to provoke such behaviors then she needs to be adult enough to own up to them. Maybe BM needs to talk to SD about her comment first as well and they have some things to hash out, including resentment. I would follow it up with your own talk to ensure that SD is allowed to communicate her feelings appropriately. Good luck.
I believe sharing your feelings and speaking your mind in a respectiful manner.
The tone and delivery of your SD's comment was likely rude and disrespectful, therefore deserving of punishment in BM's eyes.
REGARDLESS of whether you agree with the offense and subsequent discipline, if you and BM have an agreement to uphold discipline between houses then you need to respect that. SD did something to cross the line and was punished. To not follow through is to disrespect the co-parenting relaitonship and undermine BM's authority.
I agree with this. It would appear you are siding with her against her mom.
What she said WAS disrespectful, you're absolutely right. And more than likely we will back her mother up. But her mother has ZERO respect for SDs feelings ever. My thought is, do we punish her for stating her feelings? Or do we talk to her about the appropriate way/time/place to state her feelings? She's ten. It's hard to know sometimes how to say these things.
I just don't want to teach her that she has to be a doormat. How do we help her learn to be assertive, while still remaining respectful?
Regarding the bolded: you take this opportunity to teach SD the proper way to voice her opinions. We just had this same issue with my DD who is 9. She has no understanding that it's not what she says, but how she says it. We turned it around on her and for the entire evening every answer she got from us was said in a snotty attitude. She finally figured out that tone hurts much more than actual words.
Plus, there's a big difference in asserting one's feelings and saying something just to be mean. Telling BM, "It hurts my feelings whn you don't take my thoughts and opinions into consideration" is SD asserting herself. Telling BM, "Only because I have to" was mean, and there was absolutely nothing to be gained by saying that.
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I think that you are very lucky to have a relationship where the parents back each other up and that if you decide not to do it on this one then BM will not the next time and that is not a path you want to go down. If you guys disagree I would talk to BM and tell her that you are very grateful that you guys have this type of relationship, you want to let her know that you disagree with SD being punished for this but that you will back her up and SD will still be punished.
Did you guys ask BM why she punished SD? I have a feeling SD is not being punished for how she feels but rather how she said it. I am VERY easy going with punishment so realize that I probably would not actually punish my kid for that but I would have corrected her attitude, she is allowed to want to see her Dad but she is not allowed to be rude about it to her Mom.
I agree with this. What she said was disrespectful. If you have agreed through the years to share punishment,i believe you should share this one too.
We tell DS (8) a lot that it's not always about what you say but how and when you say it. I think I would continue the punishment and sit down and talk about how she could have handled it better. Maybe give her some examples of more respectful ways to communicate.
I'm not sure how to teach a child that it's okay to be assertive. I have more or less the opposite problem as DS is convinced his vote counts as much as mine and DH's... and gets pretty upset when it doesn't work out that way.
Thank you all for your input. We've talked and the punishment will stand. We also made SD sit down and write her mom a letter, APPROPRIATELY stating her feelings. DH got her a counseling appointment for next week, and is going to call BM and see if she'll attend.
You do both. You enforce the mother's chosen disciplinary approach and then you have a debrief with the daughter about respect. Part of teaching her to respect herself (and stand up for herself) is teaching her about respecting others. You, as the more involved parents should be giving her the tools to express her feelings in a healthy and constructive way.
Fantastic! That's a really great way to handle the situation. Good job!