Concerned for friend's baby. Advice needed. XP: FB

kittyh8r · March 2013

Okay. I need advice about a friend.
A little back story. It's a couple my husband grew up with. They got married right out of high school and then got pregnant right away, and then right away again. They're second son had brain damage (caused by OB) at birth and also has autism. It was all very difficult on her when he was diagnosed (2 years ago). She went CRAZY, she left her husband, slept with a bunch of guys, got pregnant, had a m/c, came back to her husband, and got pregnant again (by her DH). They now have a 3 month old.

SO. I am trying really hard to be a good friend, but I have a hard time not judging her. We went over to their house last night and their 3 month old, who was 7 pounds at birth, is now 8 pounds. I tried not to sound concerned when I was asking how he was sleeping, she told me he has slept 10 hours at night from day 1. Ah, now I understand why he has only gained one pound from birth. We were at their place for 4 hours, and he didn't eat once. He took 2 naps. The poor little guy has no energy because he isn't being fed. She kept sticking the paci in his mouth and he would fall asleep.

Next she was telling me about the infant car seat that they have. Her dad works at an auto body shop. A woman got a free infant car seat from her insurance because she was in a fender bender. She gave the car seat that was also in the fender bender to my friend's dad, who gave it to my friend. She was bragging that she got a free Britax car seat! Oh lord.

THEN she was talking about how awful it is when babies are teething. She said "Thank God for ibprophen". From what I understand, babies shouldn't get ibprophen until they're 6 months old because their liver's aren't ready for it.

I just feel bad because I want to tell her all the things I see wrong, but not because I am being a know it all, but because I am genuinely concerned about the health of this child. We're just starting to hang out with them again and I don't want her to shy away from me because of my "advice". This is her third and she thinks he knows how this whole kid thing works, but I am very afraid for the LO.

HELP! wwyd?

Mar5195 · March 2013

Call child services. This baby needs help and nothing you say is gonna get into that head of her without her taking it personally. The carseat thing doesn't bother me as much.

MrMrsandBaby · March 2013

Mar5195:
Call child services. This baby needs help and nothing you say is gonna get into that head of her without her taking it personally. The carseat thing doesn't bother me as much.

I agree...It really sucks but you need to think about the baby more than the friendship. Allison only put on a pound in 6 weeks and my ped told me that we HAD to start feeding her every 2 hours. NO MATTER WHAT. I would just place a call to CPS and tell them what you know and let them take it from there. If that doesn't work then you may just have to tell her directly. Better to have her mad at you than to deal with a malnourished baby.

AshleyAnthony2B · March 2013

MrMrsandBaby:
Mar5195:
Call child services. This baby needs help and nothing you say is gonna get into that head of her without her taking it personally. The carseat thing doesn't bother me as much.
I agree...It really sucks but you need to think about the baby more than the friendship. Allison only put on a pound in 6 weeks and my ped told me that we HAD to start feeding her every 2 hours. NO MATTER WHAT. I would just place a call to CPS and tell them what you know and let them take it from there. If that doesn't work then you may just have to tell her directly. Better to have her mad at you than to deal with a malnourished baby.

X 1000000. This situation sounds scary and not good. I do hope that the baby ends up getting the help that he sure see,s to need.

AshleyAnthony2B · March 2013

Can I also give perspective as somebody who has been on the receiving end of cas (canadian cps)?

I was livid and disgusted and horrified that the hospital contacted these people on us (explained a few weeks ago if you missed my post). But, now, removed from the situation, and knowing what I know to be true now, I completely respect the decision to do so.

She may hate you initially, but once through that situation, you can understand much better.

NatesLady1309 · March 2013

This is just plain scary. I honestly think you should call child services too. Mainly due to the fact that she is definitely NOT feeding this child enough. So heartbreaking.

nebraska84 · March 2013

I am a teacher and we are encouraged to call if we have a concern, it DOES NOT mean they will follow up. But it would be good to give them all the your concerns and they can decide what to do. You may not have been the only person who is concern and one more call may be all they need to start asking questions. If you call, you will know that you did what is best for the child, and child services can decide the next step. It is really easy to call, just be honest and express your concern.

sarahandtim · March 2013

Agree with everyone else. That's the best thing you could do for her as a friend.

Sept07b2b · March 2013

Ok. Clearly I'm in the minority here, but I think calling CPS is really extreme here. I would want to know more information before I just jump to call CPS, and I would REALLY hope that any friend of mine would approach me about things they thought I was doing wrong before they called a government agency that could take my child away from me!!!

Let's be honest here, there are probably things we've all done that didn't earn us a gold star in parenting. CPS is a great agency and does wonderful things, but it can cause a LOT of heartache and trouble to try to sort through an issue.

I would definitely talk to your friend about these issues and see if she has a logical explanation for things or if maybe she's just a bit misinformed about some things. We have to remember that we, on TB, are very well educated about child care items that a lot of people aren't. Maybe she doesn't know she shouldn't use a car seat that's been in an accident. Maybe she doesn't know she isn't supposed to give IBprofen to an infant under 6 months old (I didn't know this either). Has she been taking her LO to the doctor's as appropriate? If so, then I would think her ped would be aware of the weight gain issue and would be able to deal with it appropriately.

Just my two cents, but I would suggest talking to her first. I'm sure you can do it in a way that isn't "know it all," but give her a chance before calling CPS. I don't think anything she's done is abuse of her child. It sounds like she's just uninformed.

anythingelseplease · March 2013

As far as I am aware if you call CPS and they follow up on it. They will tell them who the person is that reported them. So it is not an annonymous way to help her. You might as well tell her yourself. I'd be more mad if you called CPS without voicing your concerns in person.

pinkshades05 · March 2013

Sept07b2b:
Ok.nbsp; Clearly I'm in the minority here, but I think calling CPS is really extreme here.nbsp; I would want to know more information before I just jump to call CPS, and I would REALLY hope that any friend of mine would approach me about things they thought I was doing wrong before they called a government agency that could take my child away from me!!!nbsp;
Let's be honest here, there are probably things we've all done that didn't earn us a gold star in parenting.nbsp; CPS is a great agency and does wonderful things, but it can cause a LOT of heartache and trouble to try to sort through an issue.nbsp;
I would definitely talk to your friend about these issues and see if she has a logical explanation for things or if maybe she's just a bit misinformed about some things.nbsp; We have to remember that we, on TB, are very well educated about child care items that a lot of people aren't.nbsp; Maybe she doesn't know she shouldn't use a car seat that's been in an accident.nbsp; Maybe she doesn't know she isn't supposed to give IBprofen to an infant under 6 months old I didn't know this either.nbsp; Has she been taking her LO to the doctor's as appropriate?nbsp; If so, then I would think her ped would be aware of the weight gain issue and would be able to deal with it appropriately.nbsp;
Just my two cents, but I would suggest talking to her first.nbsp; I'm sure you can do it in a way that isn't "know it all," but give her a chance before calling CPS.nbsp; I don't think anything she's done is abuse of her child.nbsp; It sounds like she's just uninformed.nbsp;

I don't usually disagree with you but I would be alarmed here that the 3mo hadn't been fed in 4 hours and appeared lethargic. It's anonymous to report these things, it's not our job to investigate but to let them know our suspicion, and let CPS investigate, and let them determine if the situation is as bad as it looked to you. Better to be safe than have a baby failing to thrive.

If OP complained about everything but the feeding issue I would agree with you. But a hungry baby not only breaks my heart but this could be life threatening.

NatnDyl · March 2013

I agree with PP, a hungry baby is nothing to wait and see about. If you wanted to casually ask how the last well-child check up was, you could at least make sure that the kid is going. If she is taking the baby to the doctor, there may be a reason the baby isn't gaining weight. Are her and her husband small? I think I'd end up calling CPS. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to that baby and I hadn't tried to get it help.

Shawnee11507 · March 2013

I would probably also call CPS if I didn't feel comfortable talking to her. I used to work for CPS in FL and the reporter is always anonymous. Sometimes the person can "figure out" who they think called by what information CPS has (but they won't know for sure unless you confirm it), but the investigator is never supposed to give them the name of the caller.

However, is she taking the child to the doctor like she is supposed to? If she is (God I hope so), then the doctor may end up calling CPS himself for "failure to thrive" if the baby isn't gaining any weight.

I would be really worried about her not feeding a baby that young though. It could lead to serious consequences or death.

JessieJH · March 2013

I would call CPS. We had a case in WA last year with a woman who wasn't feeding her baby- intentionally. you never know what is up with some people. If something doesn't improve then you can call again.

kittyh8r · March 2013

Thank you everyone. I am going to talk to my husband tonight and see what he thinks. We were both really disturbed by what we were seeing and hearing. I will update soon.

sunnyday016 · March 2013

I think you need to talk to her first, before calling CPS.

CotterpinDoozer · March 2013

Are you a mandated reporter? If so - you know what you hvae to do.

anythingelseplease · March 2013

chiarellak:
As far as I am aware if you call CPS and they follow up on it. They will tell them who the person is that reported them. So it is not an annonymous way to help her. You might as well tell her yourself. I'd be more mad if you called CPS without voicing your concerns in person.[/ quote]

Oops I take this back. I looked into it and you would be annonymous. Teachers and school personnel reporting are not annonymous. That's why I was confused.

Amberrrr · March 2013

I would probably talk to her before bringing CPS into it.

She honestly sounds like she could be at high risk for PPD. From what I understand this is her third child born and by now she should know the drill.

When my son was born, they had me logging his sleep habits, how often I nursed him and for how long, as well as his wet diapers and bowel movements. I would assume they check up on baby at every hospital, and if this baby was sleeping 10 hours straight at the hospital they should have told her to wake this baby up to feed him.

I know babies that young can go three hours with out feeding. I remember the threads 'how often is baby eating?' and some people would say every three hours at that age, while my LO was still nursing HOURLY. But the fact that he has only gained one pound is scary. I hate to say it, but that sounds like neglect to me. I've heard about babies that young starving to death. It's a pretty serious matter. I would probably try bringing it up to her gently that her baby needs to be nourished and he has such a small belly at that age he needs to eat more frequently.

My LO was 6 lbs 14 oz at birth, and already doubled his weight at 12 weeks....

But as PP has said, if this baby is going to his proper well child visits, the pediatrician should catch it.

As far as the ibuprofen and car seat go, some people are just uneducated about these things... I would have probably said something right then and there about it. She needs to know... When a child's life is in danger there's really no other moral answer than to tell the caregiver what they're doing is wrong.

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