JUST J and LITTLEJEN

J&A2008 · March 2013

We may be getting an addition to our family. A troubled teenage cousin of DH's, with a baby. She's been out of high school for a year, and her family wants to get her out of the state, away from her "friends" and boyfriend(s).

It's not happening for sure, but it sounds like her best chance. We have the space; I have the time to watch her little one while she works.

I will prepare for many "I told you so"s and the like. DH always said he was glad to have sons, not daughters, and I've said for awhile that the teen years frighten me, but we'll have to get over it, I guess.

Phantomgirl · March 2013

What's motivating you to take this on?

You have a happy content family home. Why mix it up?

Personally I feel like the boys have been exposed to enough in their short lives and for that reason alone I would not.

Littlejen22 · March 2013

Oh girl I know you have a huge heart but I agree with Phantom that this is a very bad idea. When you say troubled what exactly do you mean? And why does her family blame the friends and boyfriend, why is it not her fault? Does she want to go or is she being pushed into it? And did she graduate or drop-out?

I do not know how much detail you remember of my story but after HS graduation we spent a fortune sending SD across the country to her Mother for the same reasons, we totally thought her decisions were her fault but we hoped that a new location and new people would be good for her and knew that her friends and boyfriend would not go down a good path and wanted to get her away from it. After 13 days she convinced her Mom to pay for a one-way plane ticket back here, SD never really wanted to go and she wanted to be with the friends and boyfriend that we wanted to get her away from. I know you would not give up as easily as BM did but the point is that if the teen does not want it then it will not work no matter how good of an example you are and how much love your family has.

This will leave you less times for the boys, you will not only have a baby but you will have a trouble teen that you are trying to help. You plan on watching her child when she works but that is assuming that she will get and keep a job. Will she have a car?

I would be very careful about who you bring into your house and what you expose those boys to. They have been through a lot in their short lives, they have had a BM in and out of their lives. They have had a BM that has set a horrible example for them. You have worked so hard to counter that and so far it seems pretty successful. You are considering bringing a teen into the house that is likely going to set a bad example for them. When you say troubled I assume drugs are involved, there is a good chance that she will not turn over a new leaf and that means she will be carrying drugs on her, in your house around your kids. I know the family and you think this is her best chance but you need to do what is right for your immediate family, it is great to help someone else but only if there is not a risk to your own children.

If you do decide to do it, and I would only do it she truly wants this second chance and not if it is being forced on her, you need to make a list of your set in stone rules that if she breaks she will be out. I know you cringe at the thought of that but just imagine the bad situation the boys could be in if you do not set a line in the sand that you will not allow her to cross? I know you did not always agree with me back when I was dealing with the bulk of the issues but our rules were pretty simple - no drugs, no drinking, no stealing. The hardest part for you will be that if she breaks your rules you will be putting her out with her baby and you will feel even worse but you cannot allow certain stuff with little (not so little) kids in the house.

And then there is the concern if she leaves with the baby, what would you do? And this might sound insane and totally out of the realm of possibility but it happens more often than we realize.

+just+j+ · March 2013

All I can say is good luck with that.

J&A2008 · March 2013

My husband and I are talking about ground rules. No way that drugs are being allowed in our home. He called the police on his wife; I know he will not hesitate to turn her in if she tries to bring drugs to our home. She also knows we are very protective of our family and she knows a bit of what DH went through with BM.

She is saying she needs a fresh start. No one is forcing her. She was living with the boyfriend. She'll get herself here if she wants to come. Our motivation is that we have the ability to help her, and we'd like to try. There are still a lot of details to be worked out. She will get a job and she will pay rent, though we are going to reserve most of it for her to give herself a fresh start.

I agree that we are a happy, content family right now and this is inviting more craziness and drama in that we haven't had to deal with in a long while. As far as her leaving the baby with us... If that happens, it happens. We would push to get custody. I was ready to offer to adopt when we found out she was pregnant, because it was not planned or wanted. She was considering an abortion, but both DH and I thought it best to not interfere. We would have accepted if she had asked.

This may all be talk, and no follow through. We will see. I haven't changed a thing or set up her room or anything. Honestly, I may wait until she's on our doorstep to take any action myself, as I know she may not see this through. I'm hoping for her and her child's sake that she does make changes, but we'll see.

ETA: We are not providing her with any money. She can get here if she wants to and she knows our home is open to her. We will give her a room and feed her meals, but we're not providing handouts. We want to help, but we don't want to put ourselves in a position of resenting her or her parents.

Littlejen22 · March 2013

One more thing, make end dates for things. Do you plan on this invitation being openended, how long can she stay? If you plan in lettin her stay as long as it works then make other shorterterm goals that need to be met. And what help do you expect around the house?

lily_721 · March 2013

Jumping in....

We took my SSs as teenagers. SS1 was a mess (not drugs) when he came. Its been an extremely difficult few years. He is our responsibility and we really didn't have any other choice. Many times I have begged my mom to take SS2 (also a teenager) for a few hours, days, forever just to give me a break from his teenager moodiness/crankiness when DH is gone.

I think you have a big heart and its a wonderful opportunity for her. I also think it can really negatively effect your family. If I were you, I would give it a lot of thought. Your family is your first priority and will this situation bring anything positive for your boys?

Want a personalized experience?

JUST J and LITTLEJEN

Re: JUST J and LITTLEJEN

Choose Another Board

Search Boards