can i whine for a minute? or 5...long, sorry!

egb+jaf · March 2013

so, during this whole pregnancy the only part of my birthing experience that ive been sure of is that my sister is the only person i want there besides dh. i know that a lot can change and ive never given birth before so im trying not to get stuck on things in my head that could potentially be out of my control. my sister being there was my only requirement.

this was quite a point of contention with my mom. shes very selfish and all her "reasons" for wanting to be there with me are completely self centered and supporting me and MY birthing experience has honest to god cross-my-heart-hope-to-die NEVER occurred to her. my whole pregnancy has been nothing but coming to jesus talks with her. so the nail was driven home, i'll call her, she is welcome to the waiting room but she wont get to come into the room with us and wont be coming in after ive given birth until we're good and ready. that was that.

well, here i am 45 minutes away from 39 weeks and my sister has been very very sick for almost a week and yesterday had yet another dr's appt and was diagnosed with bronchitis, given antibiotics..the whole shebang. fever and all. so obviously if i were to go into labor at this moment she couldnt come. and she more than likely wont be miraculously healed in just a week. which makes me feel like all i want to do is cry all the time now, like im losing the most important part of my plan (besides actually giving birth). i will be just fine with just DH but my big sister is so so so important to me and i just cant shake the feeling that i will spend my labor crying if she isnt there.

now cue the mom drama. its like everything ive talked to her about has gone out the window. she is assuming that bc my sis is sick and potentially will miss the birth that all of a sudden she's in. UM, NO. it irritates me enough that she thinks she can just replace my sister, but there are no words for how i feel that all the conversations and fighting and drama that have gone down (since i found out i was pregnant, mind you. 9 MONTHS OF THIS!) over how i JUST DONT WANT HERE THERE it has all just gone in one ear and out the other. not only does she think she'll be there while im laboring but that she'll be in the room while im pushing. ASJFNKSJNFJASNKSA. this is so frustrating. so much time, frustration and tears have gone into trying to make her "get it" i cant believe all of a sudden shes just going to ignore it, and ignore what she KNOWS i want.

im so over it i dont even have the energy to get into with her about it again. it wont do anything but cause her to have a hissy fit. im just not going to call her. period. but im DREADING what i 100% know will be the aftermath. its going to be a shiitstorm times 12343454534. and its the last thing im going to want to deal with with a newborn, and its already driving me crazy because i know its imminent. even if my sister is better and everything works out the way i wanted it too, in my moms mind shes already in and will throw a temper tantrum when she feels shes getting pushed "back" out..when she was never there in the first place.

thanks for letting me vent, i know it was a long one. i hope everyones last days are going more stress free than mine!

emw8910 · March 2013

I totally know how you feel! I'm having major issues with my mom too and she just refuses to understand where I'm coming from about anything. Hang in there, it'll blow over eventually and when LO is here, your mom won't be as much of an issue. Hope you feel better and hopefully your sister will too so she can be with you!

Virginia&Joshua11052011 · March 2013

I am sorry that you are going through this, I don't know what to say other wise.

SamanthaKate85 · March 2013

Just to give you some hope, I had bronchitis at 38 weeks and had to get an antibiotic and inhaler. I was mostly better after a week and able to return to work. A few days after that and I was completely over it.

There is hope your sister will be recovered in time!

Sarra21 · March 2013

I have the same, exact problem. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I am sorry your sister is so sick.

Regarding Mom: stop trying to reason with her. It is entirely pointless, because she isn't listening and does not care, so there can be no compromise. What mom wants is all that matters to mom, and that has to inform the boundaries you set to protect your family.

If it were me, I would tell mom that her disrespect for my clearly stated wishes is unacceptable. The conversation is permenantly closed and, given her determination to force her unwelcome presence on us during delivery, she will not be contacted until after the baby is born and we will let her know when she can visit.
And I wouldn't feel the least bit sorry about it, nor would I change that new boundary, no matter what mom or anyone else said to me.
In fact, that is exactly what I have
done.
Good luck and a truly hope sis is well enough to be there with you...I am sure she is praying for that too

Sarra21 · March 2013

Oh, and her tantrums postbirth are her problem. It might mean limiting contact with mom, but either she demonstrates that she wants to be in your life through respectful, mature behavior, or she doesn't and is thereby choosing to be kept at a distance. Thats what I have had to do anyway and it helps.

egb+jaf · March 2013

thanks for all the advice and kind words! its nice to be able to vent

and yeah, talking to her is pretty much pointless. so hopefully it wont bother me when LO is here. right now im just so scatter brained, im all over the place!

distance is our friend haha

egb+jaf · March 2013

SamanthaKate85:
Just to give you some hope, I had bronchitis at 38 weeks and had to get an antibiotic and inhaler. I was mostly better after a week and able to return to work. A few days after that and I was completely over it. There is hope your sister will be recovered in time!

ahh! please please please! you give me hope!!

rmp25 · March 2013

I think my mom was the only mom in the World that didn't want to be in the labor room. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 7 months pregnant and was taking radiation and super weak when Ds1 was born. Even before that she told me that she wouldbe there if I needed her but really had no desire to be in the room. So the plan was alwayys for my DH and sister to be in with me. My MIL was the one who got pissed off. I was induced and she was actually going to show up at the emergency room at 5:30 am to check in with me. We had to explain rather forcefully that the hospital did not intend for us to bring guests that early. She pouted all day because I would not let her stay in my room while I was in labor. I wouldn't dilate enough to get an epi and I was super uncomfortable. The few times I let her come back she brought everybody in the waiting room with her. She actually complained to DH because I let my best friend back and not her. Thank god I ended up with a csection and am having a csection again. Hold your ground. I just wouldnt call your mom and tell her afterward that things happened to quickly. The. I would tell her no fits of she had to leave...not good for momma or baby. I don't know why people can't respect boundaries.

DanandVan · March 2013

I know its your mom, but it sounds like you need to disengage from her emotionally. There is no need to spend hours/tons of tears fighting with her over this. Just tell her what you want, remind her that this is YOUR birth, set some boundaries, and let her know the discussion is closed.

Hope your sis feels better in time!

luvbug6315 · March 2013

My mom and I have a great relationship and she assumed she was going to be in the birthing room with me also. DH and I decided that was not a good plan as my mother is very high strung... I'm pretty sure she would give me more anxiety about giving birth, so I had to tell her she wasn't going to be in the room. She didnt like that, but eventually got it. I'm pretty sure she still secretly thinks she's going to be in there, but I have told her multiple times its not going to happen. I think it's mothers instinct to want to be there for their children just make it very clear to her that its not going to happen or drop it and tell the nurses she's not allowed in the room. It's is your birth and the things you can control (like this) should go as you want. You shouldn't feel pressured into having someone there that you don't want!

resilient61 · March 2013

I hate drama & avoid it as much as possible, so I talked to my doc about who I want/don't want in the room & how to deal with it. she said to also mention it to the nurses in triage (a private chech, not even DH is there) and they will discreetly act as security guards coming up with excuses for me that never actually reflect upon me, but rather putting the blame on doc, nurses, hospital policy, etc. Then you can feign ignorance & explain that it was difficult & you're sorry, but they were looking out for best interest of baby & mama. I'm not usually a fibber, but if you can't relax, labor is likely to be much more difficult, so I make exceptions here.

Lex703 · March 2013

Awww You definitely don't need this stress the last few days of your pregnancy! I'd say write a birth plan and make sure you put on there she is not allowed in. Then she won't be permitted to go to the back. I wouldn't stress about it, you have bigger fish to fry. If she wants to have a tantrum, so be it. She'll get over it!

ehgraf80 · March 2013

It is soooooooo refreshing to know other people feel the same way! I absolutely do NOT want my mother anywhere near me before, during or immediately after delivery. We just don't have that kind of relationship and she would find a way to make the process "all about her" because that's what she always does. I also want my sister to be there- we have a special bond too and she is an emergency medicine physician so she's delivered plenty o' babies. I had to come up with an excuse to not have my mom there though, because I knew she would just sit in the waiting room and insist on being let in to the delivery room. So I made it sound like she would be doing me a huge favor if she came over and sat/slept with my dogs while DH and I are at the hospital. I told her we'd put her in a cab and get her over to the hospital right after LO is born (though in reality it will be more like an hour after- I reeeeeeeally want to have some special bonding time with DH and LO before everyone gets in the way). So she was thrilled with the idea of being "useful" with my dogs and everyone seems happy now.

Good luck with everything- maybe you will deliver slightly late so that your sister can be all healed up! Definitely hold your ground related to your mother!

wittyschaffy · March 2013

Our first line on our birth plan (our doc asked for one) says that DH, the volunteer doula, and the medical staff are the only people welcome at our birth. Other extended family members are not to be granted entrance until we are ready to receive guests after the baby is born and we have had a chance to bond and rest. Out hospital takes security very seriously and a request like that will be enforced by the nurses and other ward staff without question. We also aren't calling people who would have trouble respecting our wishes until we are ready for visitors. They may be upset about it but frankly, I don't care.

Omgzombies · March 2013

"Sure, ok, whatever, Mom!"

To the nursing and medical staff, "No one is allowed in except my DH, this includes my crazy mother who will insist she be there."

Disengage and let the hospital staff be the bad guys. Much easier when relatives won't listen/are being crazy.

As an alternative, know that there is no way for her to know when you check in to the hospital unless you tell her. You can always simply wait, and then call her after the baby is born and claim it was a fast delivery, and there wasn't time.

egb+jaf · March 2013

awesome responses! yeah, theres no chance shes getting in the room! i would love to be able to call her when its time, and have her contained to the waiting room, but i know it will just be a headache for everyone trying to keep her in her area, so it looks like she'll be getting a call right after because "everything just went so fast!". lol. and my sister says she feels like shes improving everyday so hopefully lo will hold out a bit longer and give her aunt the extra time she needs.

which is crazy because i am SO ready to have this kid, its ridiculous. i was just trying to talk her into coming already but now that my sis is sick i tell her everyday to try and hold on! she seems comfy.

ehgraf80:
It is soooooooo refreshing to know other people feel the same way! I absolutely do NOT want my mother anywhere near me before, during or immediately after delivery. We just don't have that kind of relationship and she would find a way to make the process "all about her" because that's what she always does. I also want my sister to be there- we have a special bond too and she is an emergency medicine physician so she's delivered plenty o' babies. I had to come up with an excuse to not have my mom there though, because I knew she would just sit in the waiting room and insist on being let in to the delivery room. So I made it sound like she would be doing me a huge favor if she came over and sat/slept with my dogs while DH and I are at the hospital. I told her we'd put her in a cab and get her over to the hospital right after LO is born (though in reality it will be more like an hour after- I reeeeeeeally want to have some special bonding time with DH and LO before everyone gets in the way). So she was thrilled with the idea of being "useful" with my dogs and everyone seems happy now.

Good luck with everything- maybe you will deliver slightly late so that your sister can be all healed up! Definitely hold your ground related to your mother!

haha sounds like we have the same mother! and lol @ giving her an "important job" i have no pets to pawn off on her, or else my mom would have been on very special dog duty, too!

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