Blended Families
Did I cross a line?
SO has his two boys, 15 and 11, every weekend. We refer to these times as our "little family" weekends, and to the unit the four of us make as our "little family". BM knows about this, doesn't care or at least has never ask SO to stop. I also call the boys Tornado 1 and Tornado 2. I am the only one to do this. They like the names or again, have at least never asked me to stop.
Two weekends ago I posted a picture of the boys watching Scrubs on the couch with the caption "My Tornados watching Scrubs. I love my little family." BM and I are friends, she liked the photo, nothing more was said about it.
Last night I got a nastygram from SO's sister about how I should talk down the photo, or at least remove the caption. She went on to say that the boys are not "your anything and never will be" and that I needed to "stop pretending and get over" myself. I showed the message to SO who told me to leave the photo and that he will handle his sister and that he was sorry for, and mortified by, her actions.
My question is this: by refering to the kids as "My Tornados", did I really cross a line? I know I'm not their mom, I don't aim to be she is a very good mom, but I didn't think I was claiming them in an offensive way, if that makes sense. BM doesn't appear to have any issues with it...just wanted to hear from some other BM's to see if they would.
Two weekends ago I posted a picture of the boys watching Scrubs on the couch with the caption "My Tornados watching Scrubs. I love my little family." BM and I are friends, she liked the photo, nothing more was said about it.
Last night I got a nastygram from SO's sister about how I should talk down the photo, or at least remove the caption. She went on to say that the boys are not "your anything and never will be" and that I needed to "stop pretending and get over" myself. I showed the message to SO who told me to leave the photo and that he will handle his sister and that he was sorry for, and mortified by, her actions.
My question is this: by refering to the kids as "My Tornados", did I really cross a line? I know I'm not their mom, I don't aim to be she is a very good mom, but I didn't think I was claiming them in an offensive way, if that makes sense. BM doesn't appear to have any issues with it...just wanted to hear from some other BM's to see if they would.
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Re: Did I cross a line?
I don't really know what her deal is. If BM had asked me to stop or take down the photo I probably would put more stock into it but I thought it was very strange that his sister had an issue. She doesn't like me very much though. My SO says he thinks it is because her oldest has Aspberger's but I treat him like I treat the other older boys in his family the boy is 19 and not like he's a special 5 year old snowflake.
It's hard to say, how long have you and your SO been together? Being the BM, here's my take on if this happened in my situation:
If BD's GF in the beginning posted a pic of DS calling him "her" anything I'd be pissed...name nickname whatever. She had not earned that right yet. Now it's a year and a half later and BD and his GF are still together, raising her kids as well as one of their own together, and she has been the caregiver for my DS during the day while BD is at work. If she were to post a pic now with all the kids and include my DS and call them "her" clan or whatever, it would be fine. If it was just my DS and she called him hers by a nickname it would still sting, though I wouldn't say anything. She has earned it, just as my FH has. (But calling him hers by his name would start WW3.)
Most of all though, your SO's sis had no place to get that P.O.'ed about it.
Honestly....it would bug the hell out of me if someone else called my daughter "their little" anything. I would have to have a very good relationship with X and his wife before I'd be okay with it. But I don't think X will marry again, and I most certainly wouldn't want a girlfriend that wasn't a longterm forever kind of one calling her that.
However. On the other side of things, do I think you meant anything any harm? No. I don't think you were trying to flaunt it. I think you meant it affectionately. If i could tell and know that as the bio-parent, I'd probably be adult and mature enough to handle it a hell of a lot better than her sister did.
I say ignore it. And bravo for your SO taking it into his own hands and handling his ex-in-laws. As it should be. That's a guy and a man that you wanna keep.
BM and my SO have a very good relationship, so I got lucky, and I am very glad. They make great coparents and she has welcomed me very graciously. She is a great mom and I wouldn't want to step on her toes or endanger the relationship I get to have with her and her kids in any way.
And yes, SO is great about handling his family and exin laws and standing up for me and for his kids when necessary. And good with telling me to back off if he thinks I need to, but this wasn't one of those times according to him!
My short answer is: if BM and kids are OK with it, then that's all that matters. Ignore the sister, who doesn't like you anyhow. Sounds like her opinion of you and her own situation are what's driving her decision to be rude.
I too have an SO with a son (I also have a son that is not his), and I can't imagine ever claiming his son as mine unless we are married, and even then, I would not say he was mine, rather my SS. We have been together for a while: 1.5 years, but still, I would not go there. But that's just me, and I don't do 'the Facebook', so I have no idea about that culture.
Again, if BM, SO, and kids are cool: that's all that matters!
Edit: clarity and grammar.
Honestly unless I was engaged or married I would not refer to them as "my little family". I have been in my SD`s life since she was about 16 months and I do not call her MY anything except my SD. I do say, "our family" because her father and I are married and all the children in our household are part of our family. When dealing with stuff like this, I try to think about how I would feel if it was my son.
But on the other hand his sister needs to back off because they are not her children. I would unfriend her.
This.
Before DH adopted DS and BF was still in the picture, he had a few girlfriends. If any GIRLFRIEND had called my son her anything I would have been pissed. IMO there is a difference between a girlfriend and a wife even if the girlfriend has been around for a while. The phrase "little family" would have annoyed me too. A wife is family. A girlfriend is a girlfriend so her boyfriend's kids aren't really family. In my situation BF sucked and wasn't very involved. Maybe my feelings on this would be different if he had been a good dad.
I agree with your statement about primacy. SMs, SDs, and especially girlfriends/boyfriends - no matter how involved, should "recognize the primacy of the birth parent". I am a BM (50/50) and dating someone with a son (whose mom is very involved, they share 50/50), and I treat her position in SO's son's life as I would want to be treated by BF''s girlfriend or eventual wife. However, in this case, it doesn't sound like BM is giving any indication that she is upset by the terminology.
I don't mean to veer off-topic, but I must say, if the issue is what Auntie wrote above, I don't know where the OP's responsibility lies. If BM can't be direct, and is acting like it's OK, that's all OP has to go on. In this case, the only assumption I would make is that SO's sister doesn't like it, and I just don't think that matters. I think we would all agree that if BM expressed any feeling of being uncomfortable, then it should stop. I would hate to go around assuming anytime anyone other than BM, SO, or Skids were upset it meant BM is really upset, and this is is a passive avenue in which she is expressing her feelings. That would be exhausting!
Respect the birth parent: yes! Walk on egg shells and assume any negativity is really from the birth parent: no thanks.
This.
FWIW, she is laidback about things that I don't think I would be in her situation. She's pretty comfortable in the situation and, like I said, has very graciously welcomed me into her life and the lives of her boys. I'm very grateful and very lucky!