I guess things work differently for different people. My kids come first. That doesn't mean I ignore my husband or that I don't make time for him. We have a great relationship and we enjoy lots of time together but we both agree that until the kids are raised their needs will come first.
One of my mom's chief complaints about my parents' marriage was that my dad never took time to be with just her. He loved us and wanted to be with us kids all the time, as a family. From a kid's perspective, I thought this meant my dad loved us tons (and he did). From an adult's perspective, though, and after many conversations with my dad, it also meant he loved her very little.
They had a horrific divorce when I was 12 that seems to have scarred my siblings for life (even if I turned out ok), so if he'd taken time to work on their relationship instead of being so focused on us, then that would have been better for us too. We would have been just fine staying with family or friends for a weekend while they went away together. They weren't just fine without it.
Lesson: Sometimes putting your spouse first IS putting your kids first.
I love DH, and I love my kids. My children are my top priority, then comes DH since he isn't dependent on me for food, care, etc. I love all of my family equally though.
My child's needs come before my husband's. My relationship with my husband comes before my relationship with my daugther (which is not to say that I don't treasure that relationship, too).
My daughter is here because of the foundation DH and I built. When she moves out and begins a life of her own, DH and I will still need that foundation.
This.
Overall though, how often to we really have to choose? Every member of a family has to make sacrifices sometimes for the well-being of another member. Those sacrifices don't come down to who you love more.
But I guess if DD and H are dangling off a cliff and I have to let go of one to hold on to the other, well...sorry H.
I'm pretty sure H would want me to let him go in that situation. Our kids are OUR top priority right now KWIM? Our relationship is always a huge priority too, but we decided to go on this crazy parenting adventure together.
I love my husband dearly but I have never loved anyone as much as I love my children!! Yes kids grow up and move out and you are alone with your spouse but there is no greater love than the love between a mother and her child. I put my kids needs before my own and before dh's. We have a great marriage but my kids are number 1 priority!
I'm a 'relationship with spouse is top priority' person myself. We love our daughter more than words can say, but eventually, she is going to move away and be her own person. And we will still have each other. We were together first, we will be together last.
Also, it's best for the child. A healthy relationship between the parents will 1) model what they should look for in a healthy, happy, lifelong commitment and 2) give them a secure and far less stressful home life. Kids thrive on security.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: SO #1 Children #2?
I guess things work differently for different people. My kids come first. That doesn't mean I ignore my husband or that I don't make time for him. We have a great relationship and we enjoy lots of time together but we both agree that until the kids are raised their needs will come first.
One of my mom's chief complaints about my parents' marriage was that my dad never took time to be with just her. He loved us and wanted to be with us kids all the time, as a family. From a kid's perspective, I thought this meant my dad loved us tons (and he did). From an adult's perspective, though, and after many conversations with my dad, it also meant he loved her very little.
They had a horrific divorce when I was 12 that seems to have scarred my siblings for life (even if I turned out ok), so if he'd taken time to work on their relationship instead of being so focused on us, then that would have been better for us too. We would have been just fine staying with family or friends for a weekend while they went away together. They weren't just fine without it.
Lesson: Sometimes putting your spouse first IS putting your kids first.
I'm pretty sure H would want me to let him go in that situation. Our kids are OUR top priority right now KWIM? Our relationship is always a huge priority too, but we decided to go on this crazy parenting adventure together.
FTR I am ALL about child-free vacays!
I think that if you prioritize your children over your mate, the relationship with your mate will suffer.
Therefore, I agree with GR.
I'm a 'relationship with spouse is top priority' person myself. We love our daughter more than words can say, but eventually, she is going to move away and be her own person. And we will still have each other. We were together first, we will be together last.
Also, it's best for the child. A healthy relationship between the parents will 1) model what they should look for in a healthy, happy, lifelong commitment and 2) give them a secure and far less stressful home life. Kids thrive on security.