DH feel incompetent...
kpearse99
member
I need some help.... DH is feeling very incompetent lately. He isn't himself and hasn't been for a while now. He's having a lot of personal issues with work, friends...life in general and I am FINALLY getting all of this out of him. I've seen it for a while now, but I couldn't get him to talk to me about anything until today.
I feel so helpless. Aside from work and self image issues, he feels like he isn't a good daddy because he says he is too selfish and impatient (which can be true, but he's always been impatient with things) He just said that he feels this way because seeing the way he is with DS and how he feels when he doesn't want to help or doesn't know how to help or how to be more involved.
I honestly feel like it's just because DS is still so young, and he doesn't know what he is supposed to do. I've already seen him become more involved as DS starts doing more, so I feel like he'll continue to be more confident and continue to get more involved as DS gets older....does that make sense?
I try to give him his space, let him go out or run errands on his own (I've offered for the three of us to go out together, and I get the impression he needs his alone time, so I take the hint) I just don't know what else to do to help him "find himself"
Anyone else's DH felt "under-par" as a first time daddy? How did or how are they getting through it and how are you helping?
I love him and our family so much, it kills me seeing him like this. He's always been such a happy, laughing and joking kind of guy.
EDIT: I wanted to add that he says he feels like DS's friend, not daddy. Ugh, why doesn't he have confidence in himself 
I just don't know what to do to help him!
BFP: 10/27/2011 | EDD: 6/30/12
DS born 6/28/12 via C/S
TTC #2: September 2018
Me: 36 | DH: 39
Mirena removed 9/13/2018 after 6 years
BFP 11/11/2018 | MC @ 5.5 weeks on Thanksgiving
July 2019 - Diagnosed with Secondary Unexplained IF
August 2019 - 2.5 mg of Letrozole = Never Ovulated so Trigger and IUI were cancelled
9/30/2019 - IUI #1 (5 mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFP but Betas showed CP @ 4 weeks
10/28/2019 - IUI #2 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFN
11/25/2019 - IUI #3 (7.5mg of Letrozole, Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
12/24/2019 - IUI #4 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
1/24/2020 - IUI #5 (50mg of Clomid + Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN and an Ovarian Cyst
3/2/2020 - Taking a break to reset/NTNP
11/1/2020 - At peace with where things are in life and are no long actively TTC. Whatever happens will happen and it will all be okay.
Re: DH feel incompetent...
My DH feels pretty helpless at times. In part because he was gone for work for 3 months when DD was born. He gets frustrated but he is very patient.
He shies away from staying alone with DD for extended periods of time and lately DD does not nap with him anymore.
I try to help by leaving things very set up, but I believe that he needs more one-on-one time w/ her.
Like your DH, he is not very happy at work and with friends.
DH likes rough-housing and DD is still too little, so I too feel that he will get more confident as she gets older.
Try to talk a lot and set up opportunities for DH to be successful with your LO. GL!
Could you suggest that your husband talk to a therapist to help him get through these feelings?
My husband had a rough time when our first was an infant. He wasn't a baby person and didn't know how to interact with her. Combine this with the fact that she had colic and it was just a recipe for disaster. I remember he used to say that she didn't like him and I know it really hurt him. The only thing that helped was time. I had super bad PPD so he needed to step up his game in some departments and I think that helped. I reassured him a lot and always made a point to point out when she was enjoying her time with him. And really it all just got better as she aged and he was better able to engage with her. It will come to him with time.
I think he needs more alone time with DS too, to become more confident, but I don't know how to go about doing it. If he has the day off with DS or has him for a few hours on Thursday's while I teach dance he goes to his mom's house. I asked him why and he said he doesn't know if it's because he's scared or lazy!
When DS was only a month old, I went to a rehearsal for only a quick hour and it was the first time DH was left alone with him. Well, the dog ended up jumping up on the car seat and knocked DS backwards so he fell off a chair and landed upside down in the car seat. We had to take him to the ER to be safe, but thankfully everything was good. DH blames himself entirely and said that it wouldn't have happened if I were watching DS. I think this plays a BIG part in his lack of confidence and why he might feel scared to be alone with him.
It's so hard watching my DH go through this and knowing that I can't help too much
I hate it so much. Thanks for sharing, ladies. I'll keep trying to come up with ways to have him spend more time with DS...he really is such a good daddy.
BFP: 10/27/2011 | EDD: 6/30/12
DS born 6/28/12 via C/S
TTC #2: September 2018
Me: 36 | DH: 39
Mirena removed 9/13/2018 after 6 years
BFP 11/11/2018 | MC @ 5.5 weeks on Thanksgiving
July 2019 - Diagnosed with Secondary Unexplained IF
August 2019 - 2.5 mg of Letrozole = Never Ovulated so Trigger and IUI were cancelled
9/30/2019 - IUI #1 (5 mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFP but Betas showed CP @ 4 weeks
10/28/2019 - IUI #2 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFN
11/25/2019 - IUI #3 (7.5mg of Letrozole, Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
12/24/2019 - IUI #4 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
1/24/2020 - IUI #5 (50mg of Clomid + Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN and an Ovarian Cyst
3/2/2020 - Taking a break to reset/NTNP
11/1/2020 - At peace with where things are in life and are no long actively TTC. Whatever happens will happen and it will all be okay.
Can you talk to his mom and maybe say something to her about telling him she's not in next time he asks to come over with your LO?
Can you talk to his mom and maybe say something to her about telling him she's not in next time he asks to come over with your LO?
I could, but I think she would start asking more questions as to what was going on. I love my MIL and we get along amazingly but she always thinks something is wrong if anything is off. She thought something was wrong with our marriage because I went out for a girls night a few weeks ago!! I did suggest that maybe he talks to his mom....they have a great relationship.
BFP: 10/27/2011 | EDD: 6/30/12
DS born 6/28/12 via C/S
TTC #2: September 2018
Me: 36 | DH: 39
Mirena removed 9/13/2018 after 6 years
BFP 11/11/2018 | MC @ 5.5 weeks on Thanksgiving
July 2019 - Diagnosed with Secondary Unexplained IF
August 2019 - 2.5 mg of Letrozole = Never Ovulated so Trigger and IUI were cancelled
9/30/2019 - IUI #1 (5 mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFP but Betas showed CP @ 4 weeks
10/28/2019 - IUI #2 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Trigger) = BFN
11/25/2019 - IUI #3 (7.5mg of Letrozole, Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
12/24/2019 - IUI #4 (7.5mg of Letrozole + Crinone after IUI) = BFN
1/24/2020 - IUI #5 (50mg of Clomid + Trigger + Crinone after IUI) = BFN and an Ovarian Cyst
3/2/2020 - Taking a break to reset/NTNP
11/1/2020 - At peace with where things are in life and are no long actively TTC. Whatever happens will happen and it will all be okay.
My H confessed once that when he said he wanted kids he pictured older kids he could play with and didn't give much thought to the first year or so when they're just needy babies.
The first year can be very hard. Give him space but not so much that he doesn't feel needed/wanted. Something about LO should be his job - for my H it was bath time. He did bath time every night and that was their thing. (right now he doesn't every night b/c of work but hopefully he can start again soon)
I think he needs more alone time with DS too, to become more confident, but I don't know how to go about doing it. If he has the day off with DS or has him for a few hours on Thursday's while I teach dance he goes to his mom's house. I asked him why and he said he doesn't know if it's because he's scared or lazy!
I totally agree with you that maybe he needs more time with your little guy. Can you make yourself "busy" around the house so that you have to ask your husband for help? It's not like there isn't tons for us to do
Even if you're doing something in another room maybe just a little bit of time will build up his confidence and maybe each time it can be a few more minutes. I may sound cheesy but it could work. He also might feel differently when your kiddo is a little older when they can do more together 
I agree with everyone about finding a way for DH more alone time with his son. My husband was the same way, he did at one point run out the room after handing the baby to me and yelling "I don't have boobs!" Now its funny, but then it was a pretty tramatic situation for everyone and with a collicky baby he felt completely helpless. Then I went back to work and we began to stagger our work hours so he started caring for DS 20-30 hours a week on his own depending how much our sitter comes. This really helped and I think even just a few hours a week would help. But perhaps suggests someplace he could take DS to instead of his mom's or some activites around the house the could try together just so he has some ideas of what to do but let him do it his way. The hardest thing was for me to let go of how I wanted things done and trusting him rather than nitpicking his parenting.
As for the carseat thing, this really could have happened to anyone of us. We all make mistakes and scary thing happen. Tell him how many of us said that, maybe that will help but perhaps that is something he needs to talk to someone about if he has fears about parenting, I think there are lot of Dad's in his position.