Drawing the line

kayohh · February 2013

I'm going to try and make this short

My mom is the most considerate/caring person I know, she is truly my best friend... I have a sister (younger by 5 years)... to me she is a train wreck. My sister and I rarely get along and when we do its almost forced. Ever since i was younger my parents have treated us completely different and I'm amazed we even grew up in the same household with the same rules. We are polar opposites.

My sister in the last 5 years has pulled so much sh!t on my parents and every time something new happens, they bail her out. I don't trust a word she says, to me she is two faced. She will tell you something to your face to please you, and then go do whatever she wants.

I try to knock sense into my mom about my sister and how she "pulls the wool over my parents eyes" but nothing seems to get through to her. I try to avoid situations with my sister and parents that will aggravate me but its very difficult too since everyone feels the need to tell me about what she is up too.

It seems to me the only thing I can do to make me happy, is to see my parents less. I am extremely close with my parents but the choices they make towards my sister REALLY TICK me off. I've tried ignoring it, I've tried blowing it out of proportion, I've tried the silent treatment.... EVERYTHING.

If I went into detail about all the situations this post would be too long to read. Our most recent problems is this:

My sister was suppose to get married 9/15/2012, May 1st they were suppose to move out together (they both live at home with parents/guardians). April 20th or so my sister broke up with her fiance and called off the wedding. My parents had already paid for everything. Dress, Venue, Photography, Invites the whole nine yards. My parents told her she needed to pay them back for everything they invested in. ((which never happened, even though I was told "she paid it all back")) They also told her they would not be paying for another wedding for her.

In Sept. Her and her Ex decided to get back together and he proposed AGAIN days after getting back with her.

I get a text a few weeks ago about how shes getting married in March like THIS March in Vegas ((it had to be in march because HIS sister is getting shipped off... she is in the army You know she HAS to be there and they cant wait until AFTER she gets back)). Now my mom is running around making arrangements for my sister and PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.

I know I should not care... I TRY HARD not to care. My parents bend over backward for her and she doesn't lift a finger for them. It hurts me to see my parents being used by their own daughter. I've brought it up several times to them and the usual response is "We do things for you too". I'm so tired of trying to explain to them what I see from the outside.

Should I just see my parents less? I'm seriously so lost.

TIA

jberry714 · February 2013

IndigoVader:
I don't think so, I think you should just say, "I don't want to hear anything about this" when she brings up your sister. Don't ask about her, if the conversation turns to her, change it. You nbsp;seeing your parents less isn't affecting her, but you and your parents AND your LO in the long run. It's hard, I know. Good luck

This exactly.
I can't even imagine how much this would suck. I'd try to just stay away from the situation altogether. Your parents obviously love her and would do anything for her. Don't throw away your relationship with them because of what your sister is doing. Hopefully karma will seek her out one day.

numb3rMel · February 2013

This sucks. I sympathize because my sister is a train wreck and still lives with my parents. In order for us to get along, we don't see each other as much.

I'm not saying thats the right thing to do. Its just what happened in my family. And I honestly hate that the distance is there.

danabsd · February 2013

numb3rMel:
This sucks. I sympathize because my sister is a train wreck and still lives with my parents. In order for us to get along, we don't see each other as much.
I'm not saying thats the right thing to do. Its just what happened in my family. And I honestly hate that the distance is there.

Besides living with my parents, because they pay his rent. This is my brother and I. He sucks. He's met his niece all of once for a total of 30 seconds. It's sad and I'm hoping he will grow up at some point but I swear he has no life skills. And he smokes to much pot to function as a human.

OP, I actually have no real advice other than to say I'm with you and I'm sorry.

tinyhumantoe · February 2013

This sounds manipulative, BUT.....

You have the grandbaby. You have a bargaining force.

If I were you:

Tell your mom that you want the opportunity to talk to her for 20 minutes about something, it will not be a discussion, and when it's over it will be the last time you ever bring it up. She just has to listen. If she doesn't want to do it, you taper/reduce the relationship.

If she does agree to listen: Be organized with a very simple bulleted list. List the points to describe why you're frustrated and how it is negatively affecting your life. Then tell her that you are not asking her to change her interactions with your sister, and you do not want any explanations for the things you have presented. In fact, that's what the meeting is about. You're ready to move on. You DO NOT want to hear anything more about your sister. You want to remove the stress and negativity from your life. Therefore, you are left with two choices: taper off your relationship with your sister AND your parents, or limit/control/taper your relationship with your sister, and continue a relationship with your parents as long as they understand they are not to talk about your sister.

ETA: for impact, say in closing that you really hope they choose the latter, because LO deserves to know his grandparents. I think this is key, because it will be an eye-opener of what the cost of the alternative is.

Hyaline · February 2013

This is rough. DH has family issues like this. Same responses as your parents--DH has asked about how BIL lives with her rent-free (for years now) and she just replies "well, you lived here for a while, too." Yes. DH moved back in to help her through her divorce and save money for grad school. BIL sits on his rump and plays video games all day. Totally the same.

Honestly--we try to keep our relationship with his mom separate from our relationship with his siblings. Not that we don't all see each other at the same time sometimes, but how we see our relationship with her isn't contingent on what she is doing (babying bum BIL) or what she's not (not kicking bum BIL out of the house). You can't let what she does for your sister affect your relationship to the best of your ability--if it makes her happy to pay for a wedding, it's her choice. I don't think you necessarily need to see less of them, but if you need a mini-break or to cut back, that's your call.

L8kissie · February 2013

What IV said. That only hurts you guys. It doesn't protect them or cause her to change her ways. Try to avoid things that have to do with her and attempt to minimize the way the crazy touches your life, instead of trying to change her or the relationship that she has with your parents.

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