Am I wrong?
cmiller0623
member
Background: DF's brother, SIL and 3 kids under 6 live with his dad and SM.
We went over there a couple weeks ago for a visit, I was upstairs with SM, SIL, and the kids including P. Me, SM, SIL and P were in the back room visiting, FIL was in his room, and the 3 kids under 6 were in the living room while DF and his brother were downstairs.
Youngest kid (3 1/2) comes to the backroom with us. She sneezes in her moms face (intentionally or not who knows, I'm guessing not, she's 3.) Well I guess they'd had a problem with her doing this over and over and they kept telling her it was wrong to do that in someone's face. Fair enough. Her mom screams (literally) and daughter walks away. FIL comes out and asks what happened. SIL tells him so what does he do? He goes and spits in the 3 year olds face! Literally spit! Not hock a lougie (excuse my spelling if its wrong) but still! This s a 3 year old child! What does her mom do? Absolutely nothing.
I immediately get up with P, get DF and leave. I could not believe what happened! I told DF that I did not want P around them without me there, if ever. How can they justify this thinking? All they're teaching her is that if someone does something to you, do it right back. DF supports me but I know its only a matter of time before they ask why we aren't coming over. DF already discussed this incident with FIL but FIL acted like it was no big deal.
I just want to know that I'm not being mean in keeping P away from this part of the family. I dont believe in keeping children away from grandparents/cousins/aunts/uncles etc but with this kind of behavior going on in front of me who knows what they'd do when I'm not around.
ETA: edited for spacing sorry!
Re: Am I wrong?
Ew. I would be right with you.
I could never sit by and let someone spit on my child. Ever.
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You are most definitely not wrong and in all honesty, that's a situation where I might have overstepped my bounds and said something to him at that moment. It probably would have been pretty ugly, too.
It's never okay to spit in someone's face...especially when that someone is 3 years old.
You are not wrong for feeling how you feel, that is absolutely awful.
That being said, I think you should rethink how you approach keeping her away from his family. That is his family. My in-laws say things that I don't agree with but myself and my DH have made explicitly clear to them that if we see or hear anything in front of our kids, we will leave immediately. I am sure it will happen at some point and I will follow through with my promise to leave with the kids, and everyone will get upset, but that's how they will learn I am serious. Having bad views on some things, in this case discipline, doesn't make them a bad person. I wouldn't keep my kids away from them. I would just tell them they are in no way, shape or form to discipline my kid. Ever.
I agree. I don't want her to be kept from this part of the family but I don't exactly want to go out of my way to go over there. We told them when we found out we were pg that no one is to discipline DD. Ever. They do some other forms of discipline I don't agree with and we've made it clear from the beginning if she does something we need to be aware of it and we'll handle the discipline. I by no means think they're bad people but seriously misguided in how they handle situations.
That is pretty effing gross...but I am sure he was showing the child what it was like to get spit in their face, perhaps to have them realize how it feels to get spit on them. While I don't justify this as "okay" I think some "oldies, but goodies" still have this method of retaliation embedded in them. The "if he hit you, then hit them back!" kind of mentality.
I am sure if the child had pushed their sibling down, the FIL wouldn't have pushed that child down to prove their point. Since telling the child wasn't working he did the exreme. I'd be interested to see if this child still continues to sneeze on people.
I do not agree with that type of discipline but I would try to come up with a solution so they are not cut out of P's life. DH's dad and wife fight/raise their voices with each other all the time. We don't want our kids around that, DH hated it when he was young. DH had a conversation to set our expectations with them. He reminds them if it is starting to get out of hand to not do this in front of the kids. They stop. If you trust them to be able to control themselves in front of your child once you tell them your views, I would give them the chance.
And yes, I'd speak up. I may look like a birch, but that three year old obviously has no one standing up for her basic human rights at home. Instead it seems like everyone is complacent in the disclipline tactics being used.
Eta: so a quick search on google showed that spitting in someone's face is a misdemeanor assault. And if you called the cops at the time of incidence, he could have been arrested. I fail to see why using a disciplinary tactic like that, for example, is illegal if the victim is over the age of 18, but acceptable if the victim is under the age of 18.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
WTF? That's so effed up.
I agree with the PPs that you shouldn't totally cut off contact, but that it'd be understandable if you want to limit contact and have visits be just when you're around.
Ugh, I would have been absolutely disgusted, too. I wouldn't even treat my dog that way.
My dad has never done anything that bad to my niece, but I've watched him yell at her or tease her in ways that would cause me to pick my kid up and leave. It is frustrating.
And you know what? If he ever does anything like that to my child, the very first time I will pick her up and leave. He will get the message that if he does that to my child, he gets cut off.
However, my bro, SIL, and niece live with my parents, and I definitely think that changes the dynamic - especially since my B and SIL just sit there and let my niece destroy my parents' belongings. My parents bite their tongues, but occasionally it's just the last straw. Maybe there has been an ongoing authority struggle or issue with that child, so there is a bigger picture that you aren't able to see. It doesn't make it right, that's not what I'm saying.
So, what should you do? Well, it is DH's family, so I think a second chance is in order. I hope my H doesn't cut my family off completely if they screw up once in a way that doesn't put my child in danger.
If DH spoke with FIL, that's the first step. The next step is that if FIL ever does anything like that towards your LO, then you pick LO up, and leave, and the relationship gets downgraded a notch. Hopefully that fixes the behavior, and you can open back up again. If it doesn't fix the behavior, then he gets downgraded a notch each time until you no longer see them.
HTH
ETA: if you ever directly confront the issue, and tell them they are not to discipline your child - period - ... then they get all defensive and shiity with yoiu about that, just tell them that your choices were either to confront them and continue the relationship in a positive way, or be a coward and avoid the issue, but taper their contact. You chose the option where they get to be a good part of LO's life.