I don't feel well at all and I'm coughing all night. I can't take any good meds because Caroline isn't STTN still and so I have to be able to hear her still. If I take anything good I am out completely and I don't trust DH 100% to hear her and get up.
Today was the first time in 10 months that I didn't drop Audra off at daycare (I wasn't feeling well and stayed home so DH took her) and I'm kind of sad about it
BFP #1 6-8-11 EDD 2-19-12. DD born 2-3-12 via induction due to pre-e.
BFP #2 9-7-13 EDD 5-22-14. It's a GIRL! DD#2 is on her way.
Mine is that I had an honest to goodness very stressful nightmare last night that somebody had switched DS' carseat to forward facing, and I didn't notice until I was driving on the highway, and I couldn't get off, there were no exits. And then my alarm went off. I feel off today.
So many things. The questions about his delays have me freaking out because it's too early to tell for some of them, and it sounds like they are worried something more is going on, but for now it's just a waiting game. I'm now super sensitive when anyone points out that he's not doing something like a baby his age should be able to, and I wish we could just disappear into a bubble and be happy there without all the judgement. He's happy and I wish that could be enough for the world.
I am so angry with my MIL and I blame her for this. Deep down I realize that isn't fair, but I have to hate her. I hate her so much. It is all consuming. I hate that she ever smiles. I hate that she is allowed to ever find joy in life because she doesn't deserve it. She has destroyed her family and she is set on destroying mine. She is excited about it. She disgust me. She is evil. She is the personification of evil. My mom pointed out that maybe I would have some sympathy for her now that I have a better understanding of what it feels like to be a mom, but I don't. I feel even more repulsed by her. Now that I understand what it's like to be a mom, I am even more dismayed by her previous actions and choices. It's like she is a broken person, devoid of everything that makes someone human.
I tried so hard from the beginning to do what was best for my family. I don't know if I would have done anything differently if I had known the truth initially, and it makes me a little sick to think that I might have, but I am furious that choice was denied me. I asked so many times when DH and I were dating, engaged and before we were TTC about their family's history and what was really wrong with his brother. Every single time they lied to my face. When I found out the truth, I was terrified for what it could mean for my kids. Now I am faced with some of those fears being realized and I hate her. I hate her stupid smile. I hate her empty head. I hate her.
I hate that DH doesn't understand any of this and thinks Cody is just acting like a baby. I hate that means I can't talk to him about this and share my fears with someone who would understand. I feel alone. I cry all the time. I can't sleep. I cry randomly when I'm out and sometimes when I see Cody smile. I hate that when I should be having fun and playing with my glowing, happy baby, I can't get my head in the moment. Instead I dwell on all the rude comments and wonder if any of them are true. Did I mess up some where? I analyze everything. Was there something I should have done that I didn't? Should I have tried harder? How much of a struggle is this supposed to be? What is normal? How much of this is a failure on my part? Can it be fixed or is it too late and I've hurt him for life? Isn't this exactly how it all started with BIL? I should be enjoying the moment, but instead I'm crying on the floor.
I hate that I have no one else to talk to about this. My mother gets so upset and I end up having to comfort her. She's always needed the support and has never been able to give it. My BF is so bitter about her fertility issues that she won't let me talk about anything related to Cody so we haven't talked in months. I guess that means we aren't friends anymore. Great. I wish DH would snap out of it. I wish I had all the answers right now. I wish I could let things go and not worry about the things I have no control over.
My heart is breaking for you. I have no idea what is going on, I may have missed the background here, but I hate that you are feeling so much pain.
So many things. The questions about his delays have me freaking out because it's too early to tell for some of them, and it sounds like they are worried something more is going on, but for now it's just a waiting game. I'm now super sensitive when anyone points out that he's not doing something like a baby his age should be able to, and I wish we could just disappear into a bubble and be happy there without all the judgement. He's happy and I wish that could be enough for the world.I am so angry with my MIL and I blame her for this. Deep down I realize that isn't fair, but I have to hate her. I hate her so much. It is all consuming. I hate that she ever smiles. I hate that she is allowed to ever find joy in life because she doesn't deserve it. She has destroyed her family and she is set on destroying mine. She is excited about it. She disgust me. She is evil. She is the personification of evil. My mom pointed out that maybe I would have some sympathy for her now that I have a better understanding of what it feels like to be a mom, but I don't. I feel even more repulsed by her. Now that I understand what it's like to be a mom, I am even more dismayed by her previous actions and choices. It's like she is a broken person, devoid of everything that makes someone human.I tried so hard from the beginning to do what was best for my family. I don't know if I would have done anything differently if I had known the truth initially, and it makes me a little sick to think that I might have, but I am furious that choice was denied me. I asked so many times when DH and I were dating, engaged and before we were TTC about their family's history and what was really wrong with his brother. Every single time they lied to my face. When I found out the truth, I was terrified for what it could mean for my kids. Now I am faced with some of those fears being realized and I hate her. I hate her stupid smile. I hate her empty head. I hate her.I hate that DH doesn't understand any of this and thinks Cody is just acting like a baby. I hate that means I can't talk to him about this and share my fears with someone who would understand. I feel alone. I cry all the time. I can't sleep. I cry randomly when I'm out and sometimes when I see Cody smile. I hate that when I should be having fun and playing with my glowing, happy baby, I can't get my head in the moment. Instead I dwell on all the rude comments and wonder if any of them are true. Did I mess up some where? I analyze everything. Was there something I should have done that I didn't? Should I have tried harder? How much of a struggle is this supposed to be? What is normal? How much of this is a failure on my part? Can it be fixed or is it too late and I've hurt him for life? Isn't this exactly how it all started with BIL? I should be enjoying the moment, but instead I'm crying on the floor.I hate that I have no one else to talk to about this. My mother gets so upset and I end up having to comfort her. She's always needed the support and has never been able to give it. My BF is so bitter about her fertility issues that she won't let me talk about anything related to Cody so we haven't talked in months. I guess that means we aren't friends anymore. Great. I wish DH would snap out of it. I wish I had all the answers right now. I wish I could let things go and not worry about the things I have no control over.
Hugs. I don't know if I've missed a post with a backstory or what, but whatever she's done and is doing to you sounds horrible. And seriously effed up. Have you thought about talking to a counselor?
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Re: #Mommy Problems
Why does my kid have to eat? I hate cooking and I'm tired of doing it!
LOL
My heart is breaking for you. I have no idea what is going on, I may have missed the background here, but I hate that you are feeling so much pain.
Hugs. I don't know if I've missed a post with a backstory or what, but whatever she's done and is doing to you sounds horrible. And seriously effed up. Have you thought about talking to a counselor?