Need a little advice (Long and Loss Mentioned)

snickersforeveryone · February 2013

Warning: Loss Mentioned

I'm so sorry about the length. I hope you'll bear with me.

I just found out that my cousin lost her baby when she was around 6 weeks pregnant. She found out 4 days before she had to have a medical procedure. The procedure ended the pregnancy. She's dealing with the grief of losing a child, but it's compounded by the fact that she's not supposed to be able to get pregnant without medical help. The child was pretty much a miracle and now she feels (incorrectly) that she killed it. She's worried about whether she'll be able to get pregnant again or if she missed her only shot.

I am a little at a loss. She and I are fairly close...she considers me the sister she never had. I want to be there for her, and we've made plans to get together Friday.

Here's where I need help. Our grieving and coping styles are completely different. I find some solace in my faith, and I also tend to put what happened completely out of my mind until time has taken some of the edge off, then deal with it in little bits by writing or talking to someone about it. And, as some of you may remember, right after my loss I dipped into my supply of narcotics to make me sleep and escape the overwhelming feelings, which still makes me a little ashamed.

My cousin does not believe in God, so I don't think I tell her what helped me there. I think it would be wildly inappropriate to quote scripture or whatever when she doesn't believe the way I do, even though it helped me.

She's also the kind of person who has to deal with things all at once by talking about it. She wants to hash out all the details, sometimes multiple times. She did it to some extent on the phone when she told me. And she wants to hear my experience in detail too, I guess to know that things are normal. A simple "yes, that's normal" doesn't suffice, she wants details of the physical and emotional ramifications of losing the child. As much as I want to help her, and as much as I love her, I just don't think I can relive that loss the way she wants me to. Even now, it's still too raw.

I also don't want to tell her about my difficulty coping and dipping into the narcotics, not because I think she'll judge me, but because I am worried about her. I think she may already have a problem with abusing narcotics due to long term health issues. I want to be transparent with her about what I went through if I tell her my story, but I think I want to leave that part out. Do you think that would be OK?

I guess what I need is just some kind of guidance. How do I help her without reliving my own pain in graphic detail when that's what she seems to need? And is there some kind gesture I could make, or some article, quote, or poem I could give her to give her comfort that doesn't reference God or faith? I know that this is such a personal thing for people...my way of coping and hers are just so different, I have no idea how to help.

cwm11985 · February 2013

Honestly, I suck at advice and not having been through the situation I'm not the best to even offer it. However, what I can tell you is its probably best just to let her know you are there to listen to her

grimesk12 · February 2013

Maybe you could help her find a support group or counselor to talk to especially since your loss is still raw. Would you feel comfortable telling her that its too painful for you to discuss but that you turned to religion for comfort and then give the name of someone she could talk to? I feel for both of you. Good luck.

apollonia10 · February 2013

First of all, hugs that you have to deal with this, and hugs to your cousin too.

I'd suggest some active listening, rather than rehashing your story, which isn't going to help in the long run. Not only will it make you feel bad (worrying about telling some parts and not others, going over painful memories), it won't make her feel any better.

If she needs to talk, it's very generous of you to listen to her. Make eye contact if you're with her, nod and say "mm hmm" a lot, and ask her a lot of questions. Not invasive questions, but questions like "and then what happened?" or "How did you feel when the doctor told you that?"

You can also listen by summarizing what she said - "Wow, it sounds like that was really painful" or "It must be hard to go through a medical procedure and a loss at the same time." If she presses you for details about your own situation, you could give her some vague ones, but direct it back to her. She'll feel much more fulfilled and listened to, and you won't have to delve into your own memories.

snickersforeveryone · February 2013

apollonia10:
You can also listen by summarizing what she said - "Wow, it sounds like that was really painful" or "It must be hard to go through a medical procedure and a loss at the same time." If she presses you for details about your own situation, you could give her some vague ones, but direct it back to her. She'll feel much more fulfilled and listened to, and you won't have to delve into your own memories.

This is where things get difficult. I've tried this tactic before, but she keeps on until she gets you to tell her every detail. Hopefully she won't delve as deeply, since it is such a painful subject, but since she doesn't understand my way of dealing with things, it seems unlikely she'll let it go. I'm afraid if I tell her that I can't relive it, that she will see that as a rejection or that I don't want to be there for her...which has also happened in the past (we are both victims of rape). She dropped out of my life for a while when I wouldn't go over all the details. She felt she couldn't lean on me the way she needed to. She wasn't mad, just hurt. So now I'm worried that will happen again.

snickersforeveryone · February 2013

Jessie11LU:
While I can't relate to the loss of a child, I can relate to her coping skills. I don't believe in God so like you said scripture or God stuff just wouldn't do anything for me. I also like to talk about what's wrong over and over until I feel better and I like talking to people who can relate. With that being said, if I were you, I would listen every single time she said something, give a few details you feel comfortable sharing about your loss and maybe direct her to a blog about loss or board or site.

This is a good idea. I hadn't thought of that at all. Thanks.

And, completely unrelated, I just saw your new siggy. Adorable!

hokiemama06 · February 2013

I am so sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine how strong of a person and such a wonderful "sister" for her to be willing to talk with her when your own loss is still pretty raw. That being said, don't allow her to push you to go into details of your experience that you're not ready for. It sounds like you're afraid that she'll pull away if you don't give her what she wants, but you need to worry about your own healing.

I totally agree with the PP suggestion of active listening, and if she does push you for more than you're ready to share, just be honest and let her know it's too raw for you to talk about, but you want to be there for her any way you can. Then direct it back to her.

nationalshare.org has some good resources, as well as a local support group finder.

HTH!

bluemommy · February 2013

Right before I got pregnant with my J12 baby I had a miscarriage. The nurses in the ER gave me this poem. It was very comforting and expressed exactly what I was feeling. Hope it helps:

JUST THOSE FEW WEEKS

(A Poem On Miscarriage)

by Susan Erling Martinez

For those few weeks ?
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks?
I came to know you?
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks?
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks?
It wasn?t enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks?
And no ?normal? person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks, my Little One.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that?s all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

BY Susan Erling Martinez

shawnie13 · February 2013

I would give her this website: https://www.nationalshare.org/

I never did go to a meeting, but after my miscarriage, I had to have a D&C. They do somethings in correlation with the hospital that was very, well I don't have a good word for it, but it helped me to feel a little at peace. I still think of going, I still cry when I think of it.

I'm crying right now.

I am so sorry for your loss and your cousin's loss. It just sucks.

buggal28 · February 2013

When a woman gets poregnant, there is a small, well, basically DNA swap that occurs in the brain. This small piece of DNA stays with her the rest of her life, so she literally has a part of any child she ever carried with her forever. This is real science in like journals and stuff.
I don't know if that thought process helps or not.

ashleynaka · March 2013

I think being honest is very important, but when it comes to the narcotics part, I am not sure how to handle it. Maybe bringing it to her attention will let her know what happened to you, so it doesn't happen to her and you can address it as such? Also, letting her know up front that you are not comfortable delving into details might help both of you have a more open conversation. You are just setting the boundaries without having to digress later on. Good luck and let us know what happens if you want.

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