Having a hard time not comparing...

bonniew91 · February 2013

This is our first month trying, and I'm feeling a bit emotional about it at times. Here's the story: My husband is a wildland firefighter, so he is gone most of the summer. His first fire season was really hard on us, and we were not doing good. I was in Texas all summer visiting family, and he was off fighting fires when he wasn't at our home in Utah. During this rough patch, he cheated, slept with a girl once, and she got pregnant. We decided to stay together and work things out, and now I have a beautiful stepdaughter, whom I love to pieces.

The problem I'm having is that I can't stop comparing myself to the other girl that got pregnant after sleeping with him just once. Supposedly she has a ton of health problems and was told she couldn't get pregnant (which I'm not sure I believe, because I found out she had a miscarriage just before they slept together). Even so, one time, and Bam! Baby on the way. I know it's idiotic to even compare myself to her, because it was a different situation entirely, but I can't help stressing that I'm inadequate for not being able to get knocked up after the 20 minutes it took them. (Makes me feel like I'm on a deadline. Hubby and I only have until June to conceive because we don't want to have a little one during fire season).

And like I said, this is only our first month, so I'm well aware I'm being irrational. Just needed to vent a little.

peanutmuse · February 2013

Yikes.

krdesi · February 2013

Wow....sorry about that.

Don't compare yourself to someone like that.

modernfairytale8709 · February 2013

Um...wow. That's a lot to process, and an extremely difficult situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Spookster · February 2013

That's terrible. I am sorry you have to deal with that. What a doozy.

GermanGirl2007 · February 2013

Sheesh. I can't judge because I imagine it was a very difficult decision to try and salvage your marraige after that, but I do hope that you are in a much better place now, have repaired whatever issues existed in your marriage, and are comfortable having children with this man. I can't say that many people would do the same. I wish you luck with that!

That said, part of me feels that if you are comparing yourself to this person, that there is probably lingering resentment. If you are truly in a place that you have moved on and are ready to start a family with your DH, you shouldn't still be comparing yourself to his mistress. Her & Him =/= You & Him. It's apples and oranges. Just like me having IF has nothing to do with my friend that got KU on her 2nd cycle. The two are in no way related.

this1life · February 2013

That sounds really complicated. I hope you have someone in your life you can talk to about this, it seems like a lot. Good luck.

bdipaolo86 · February 2013

Wow. You're a strong woman!

bonniew91 · February 2013

We actually weren't married at the time all of this happened. We have really worked on our relationship, and we've never been in a better place. He is already a wonderful father, and tells me that I shouldn't compare myself because it's not the same. This was a girl he met a few months before it happened and she just happened to be around when we both were ready to be done. It took a long time for me to be accepting, and I will admit I still struggle with it occasionally, but I can't wait to start a family with him. I just need to get it out of my head that if I don't get pregnant on the first try that I'm a failure. Plus I'm pmsing and it sucks. But I'll stop having a pity party now.

catmagick · February 2013

wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

aessary03 · February 2013

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered counseling to help you get through this? It might help to have an objective 3rd party opinion to help you work through these emotions/thoughts/feelings.

runningpenguin · February 2013

aessary03:
Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered counseling to help you get through this? It might help to have an objective 3rd party opinion to help you work through these emotions/thoughts/feelings.

I was going to suggest this as well. There's nothing better than talking about yourself for an hour.

I struggle sometimes with comparing myself to DH's past girlfriends. Sometimes it's about taking a moment to look at the moment that you're in and going forward from there.

lrosy13 · February 2013

Oh boy, sorry to hear that. Please don't compare yourself to her.

mama&baby · February 2013

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

manderz223 · February 2013

mama&baby:
catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.
I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.
To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

amandoza23 · February 2013

Yikes!!! I admire your strength for getting past that! Don't compare yourself to her, you're time will come. Hopefully sooner rather than later! GL

lifesaverz · February 2013

wow, so sorry you had to go through that!

(I'm gonna be "therapist-y" for a sec...yes I'm a therapist!). So I could DEF see it being very natural to have some insecurities in a situation like that. Don't beat yourself up, obviously it's a sensitive issue w/ another child being in the picture because of it. Just remind yourself that it's a totally different, much more special situation for the 2 of you to have a child, because you're in a loving, committed relationship, wanting to make a baby & build a family out of the love that you have together. That girl getting pregnant from the one night stand doesn't hold a candle to you & your hubs starting a family, because that will be so much more meaningful.

adunkin · February 2013

Talk about a hard situation all the way around. My brother was a wildland firefighter for two summers. It took a huge toll on all his relationships. And I think it's human nature to compare ourselves - whether we should/shouldn't and healthy or not.

There's some sort of saying (and a million e-cards, etc) about how it's really difficult to grow a baby when you're in a loving, mature, committed relationship. Too bad being ready doesn't make us extra fertile!

FutureMrsCaesar · February 2013

jordanm24:
wow, so sorry you had to go through that! (I'm gonna be "therapist-y" for a sec...yes I'm a therapist!). So I could DEF see it being very natural to have some insecurities in a situation like that. Don't beat yourself up, obviously it's a sensitive issue w/ another child being in the picture because of it. Just remind yourself that it's a totally different, much more special situation for the 2 of you to have a child, because you're in a loving, committed relationship, wanting to make a baby & build a family out of the love that you have together. That girl getting pregnant from the one night stand doesn't hold a candle to you & your hubs starting a family, because that will be so much more meaningful.

this is very, very good advice. My dh has a child from an 'accident' back when he was in college before we even met. I had some of your same thoughts and insecurities when we were trying to get pregnant with our first. It only took us a few months to get pregnant, which isn't long at all, but at the time I felt like something must be wrong with me, maybe we weren't meant to have a child, etc. in hindsight it was all very ridiculous, but at the time that's how I felt. And like the lady before pointed out, and my dh reiterated many times, it was a much happier and more wonderful experience when we were pregnant. Not that we don't love my stepdaughter of course, but it was just a very stressful time for dh.

good luck, hang in there, odds are you will be pregnant soon, it's not a failure to not be pregnant the first month just because someone else did.

mama&baby · February 2013

manderz223:
mama&baby:
catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.
I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.
To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.
It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

In some cases yes, in others not so much. Sometimes, the person ends up getting cheated on again... then I would say it was a stupid decision. I just don't like the glorifying someone who decides to go that route. Great- that's your life, hope you can work it out. But to say someone has a stronger sense of self because they forgive a cheating spouse? I have seen many cases where you could say the person had no sense of self worth because they chose to forgive a cheater. However, that is all relevant to the situation. I (far as I know) have never been cheated on and it is not a situation I would ever want to be in.

That being said, even though it doesn't seem like it, I do feel for the OP and it seems as though she made the best decision for her. Hopefully she learns to deal with her feelings before they get worse.

kellyrn9956 · February 2013

manderz223:
mama&baby:

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

Let's not kid ourselves here. It also takes a very strong sense of self to stand up and say I am worth more than that and to leave.

OP, these types of issues are exactly why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has cheated. You are going to be dealing with this for a very long time, particularly since you have the reminder of your stepdaughter. You say that you and your H are in a great place now. Doesn't really sound like it to me. He might be in a great place (and why wouldn't he be...he got to do what he wanted to do without consequences), but you are still dealing with the negative aspects of what he did to you.

Not saying you're wrong for staying - I'm saying that I don't think you're as happy as you swear you are.

adunkin · February 2013

kellyrn9956:
manderz223:
mama&baby:

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

Let's not kid ourselves here. It also takes a very strong sense of self to stand up and say I am worth more than that and to leave.

OP, these types of issues are exactly why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has cheated. You are going to be dealing with this for a very long time, particularly since you have the reminder of your stepdaughter. You say that you and your H are in a great place now. Doesn't really sound like it to me. He might be in a great place (and why wouldn't he be...he got to do what he wanted to do without consequences), but you are still dealing with the negative aspects of what he did to you.

Not saying you're wrong for staying - I'm saying that I don't think you're as happy as you swear you are.

Come on?! You've never compared yourself to your husband's ex-whatever?

[She already clarified that the cheating happened when they were dating and both felt like they'd had enough. It's hardly the same as a repeat offender cheating spouse. FWIW, I had one. The first time I agreed to work on it. The second time, I walked - or threw him out was more like it.]

kellyrn9956 · February 2013

adunkin:
kellyrn9956:
manderz223:
mama&baby:

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

Let's not kid ourselves here. It also takes a very strong sense of self to stand up and say I am worth more than that and to leave.

OP, these types of issues are exactly why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has cheated. You are going to be dealing with this for a very long time, particularly since you have the reminder of your stepdaughter. You say that you and your H are in a great place now. Doesn't really sound like it to me. He might be in a great place (and why wouldn't he be...he got to do what he wanted to do without consequences), but you are still dealing with the negative aspects of what he did to you.

Not saying you're wrong for staying - I'm saying that I don't think you're as happy as you swear you are.

Come on?! You've never compared yourself to your husband's ex-whatever?

[She already clarified that the cheating happened when they were dating and both felt like they'd had enough. It's hardly the same as a repeat offender cheating spouse. FWIW, I had one. The first time I agreed to work on it. The second time, I walked - or threw him out was more like it.]

No, I cannot say that I have ever compared myself to the mother of my husband's child that was conceived while we were together. Because honestly, that's the comparison we're talking about here...not who is prettier or smarter or cooks better, but how the ex got KU during a one-shot deal. That's not a very healthy thing to have to think about.

OP put this out there, so she's going to get varied responses. There are a lot of women, myself included, for whom one time would be enough because of this very reason - you never really get over it. Good for everyone who can forgive and forget, but I am not going to place someone on a pedastal and think they're strong because they stayed with a cheating partner.

mama&baby · February 2013

kellyrn9956:
adunkin:
kellyrn9956:
manderz223:
mama&baby:

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!! You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that. You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women! Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that.

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed.

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need.

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

Let's not kid ourselves here. It also takes a very strong sense of self to stand up and say I am worth more than that and to leave.

OP, these types of issues are exactly why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has cheated. You are going to be dealing with this for a very long time, particularly since you have the reminder of your stepdaughter. You say that you and your H are in a great place now. Doesn't really sound like it to me. He might be in a great place (and why wouldn't he be...he got to do what he wanted to do without consequences), but you are still dealing with the negative aspects of what he did to you.

Not saying you're wrong for staying - I'm saying that I don't think you're as happy as you swear you are.

Come on?! You've never compared yourself to your husband's ex-whatever?

[She already clarified that the cheating happened when they were dating and both felt like they'd had enough. It's hardly the same as a repeat offender cheating spouse. FWIW, I had one. The first time I agreed to work on it. The second time, I walked - or threw him out was more like it.]

No, I cannot say that I have ever compared myself to the mother of my husband's child that was conceived while we were together. Because honestly, that's the comparison we're talking about here...not who is prettier or smarter or cooks better, but how the ex got KU during a one-shot deal. That's not a very healthy thing to have to think about.

OP put this out there, so she's going to get varied responses. There are a lot of women, myself included, for whom one time would be enough because of this very reason - you never really get over it. Good for everyone who can forgive and forget, but I am not going to place someone on a pedastal and think they're strong because they stayed with a cheating partner.

Yes

manderz223 · February 2013

mama&baby:
kellyrn9956:
adunkin:
kellyrn9956:
manderz223:
mama&baby:

catmagick:
wow, ouch!!!  You are an amazingly strong woman to get through all of that--not many women would forgive something like that.  You should definitely consider that--I would say that pretty much puts you ahead in the comparison game against MANY women!  Your H is lucky to have someone like you, and you should definitely remember that. 

I fail to see how forgiving someone for cheating makes her any better than anyone else. That comparison is completely flawed. 

To the OP: It sucks that you find yourself in this situation. I hope that you are able to come to a place of peace with TTC and not comparing yourself to someone else. I agree with PPs... though I would say marriage counseling not just individual may help you both get through it together. He can always tell you "oh don't compare yourself you are fine, etc, etc" and write it off... but going to therapy with him may help him really understand your feelings, validate them, and help you get the closure that you need. 

It takes a very strong, brave person to forgive a cheating spouse and try and press forward. Not that they are better but need to have a strong sense of self and in some circumstances, it is much easier to give up on the relationship.

Let's not kid ourselves here. It also takes a very strong sense of self to stand up and say I am worth more than that and to leave.

OP, these types of issues are exactly why it is so difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has cheated. You are going to be dealing with this for a very long time, particularly since you have the reminder of your stepdaughter. You say that you and your H are in a great place now. Doesn't really sound like it to me. He might be in a great place (and why wouldn't he be...he got to do what he wanted to do without consequences), but you are still dealing with the negative aspects of what he did to you.

Not saying you're wrong for staying - I'm saying that I don't think you're as happy as you swear you are.

Come on?! You've never compared yourself to your husband's ex-whatever?

[She already clarified that the cheating happened when they were dating and both felt like they'd had enough. It's hardly the same as a repeat offender cheating spouse. FWIW, I had one. The first time I agreed to work on it. The second time, I walked - or threw him out was more like it.]

No, I cannot say that I have ever compared myself to the mother of my husband's child that was conceived while we were together. Because honestly, that's the comparison we're talking about here...not who is prettier or smarter or cooks better, but how the ex got KU during a one-shot deal. That's not a very healthy thing to have to think about.

OP put this out there, so she's going to get varied responses. There are a lot of women, myself included, for whom one time would be enough because of this very reason - you never really get over it. Good for everyone who can forgive and forget, but I am not going to place someone on a pedastal and think they're strong because they stayed with a cheating partner.
 

I can't bold on mobile, sorry.
No one is "putting her on a pedestal". It's more of those you couldn't see themselves staying saying that they are strong to forgive. OF COURSE you have to be strong also to leave, especially in a long term relationship, but its a different strength.

My sister was cheated on by her husband and they both agreed to work on it, go to therapy. I respect them for doing it and would have been disappointed in her if she had just walked after 23 years of marriage. I wouldn't say that a person who stays doesn't have a strong sense of self. They do in both cases! The person has to really know who she/he is and what she/he wants to be able to either forgive or leave.

Every situation is different and I don't think you can compare each situation as equal. Everyone is different as well.

bonniew91 · February 2013

Thanks for all the encouragement, ladies! For what it's worth, I was that girl who was always the "cheat on me once and you'll never see me again" before this happened. I had been cheated on before (by other ex's) and never stuck around. I love him very much, and even though it was a rough time, we worked it out. I almost walked away several times before we got married, but I couldn't imagine my life without him. To those asking, this happened a few years ago. We've done a million times better in the times he's been gone for his job since. Sometimes I just need to vent. Just because something like this happens, doesn't mean you forget those feelings of being hurt forever. You learn to forgive, and move on. There are some situations where I feel like the best thing would be to leave and never look back, but I honestly feel like I made the right decision in this relationship. I wouldn't put anyone on a pedestal (as it was mentioned) for staying in a relationship that wasn't right and was unhealthy. It worked out for us, and I'm glad it did. FWIW, I'm pmsing this week, so I've been really emotional, especially with all the thoughts on expanding our family, so it was on my mind. Doesn't mean I feel depressed or like I'm trapped, just means I'm a girl and I compare myself to people in a situation that is nothing like my own. I understand some will not understand the situation and will not be able to see why I stayed, but I know my reasons, and I love him more than I ever have. I'm not justifying the relationship, just thought I would respond to those who were asking. I know that sometimes written words can come across differently and seem snarky, and I hope no one is taking this that way.

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