STMs, a daycare-related question

melody921 · February 2013

When I dropped the kids at school this morning, DS's daycare teacher pulled me aside to say he hasn't been listening well to the afternoon teacher. She's mentioned things like this before, such as he doesn't want to stop playing when it's naptime or he doesn't get in line when they're coming in from the playground. The first few times I heard this, I tried to talk to him to figure out why he wasn't listening (I never got a good answer, uh, probably bc he's only 3) and to encourage him to listen in the future. He always promises to listen.

I guess my issue here is that I'm not at school, so I don't see what's leading up to him not listening to the teacher. I know how we handle this at home -- I give him two-minute warnings before transitions, ask him if he wants to do something by himself or with help. He's being a good listener for the most part at home, but a lot of this I credit to a new, calm approach DH and I have been taking with him. I find it hard and sort of useless to talk to him about behavior at school hours or days after the fact. Am I wrong to think daycare should just handle these minor things when he's there and save the parent-teacher talks for if he does something really out of line? It's kind of stressing me out bc I don't know how I can improve the situation when I'm not there with him all day.

gingerfamily · February 2013

This is also a thorn in my side right now. I tend to take this stuff with a grain of salt. As long as it's nothing bad, i tend to let daycare handle this stuff. I will tell her in the morning "no hitting, listening ears on, good naps, etc).

superned · February 2013

Yeah, he totally sounds like a typical 3-year-old and the teachers should be able to manage it. Were they asking you how you help him with transitions at home, or was she basically just ratting him out?

Next time they say something, I would just tell them exactly how you handle things at home. Using the same expectations and the same language will probably help your DS with the transitions.

If they keep bringing it up, I might go to the director and suggest that the staff might need a training on handling transitions with preschoolers. Jeez.

kelbel527 · February 2013

superned:

Next time they say something, I would just tell them exactly how you handle things at home. Using the same expectations and the same language will probably help your DS with the transitions.

The world of preschoolers...we've had some very similar conversations lately! This has been my approach (tell them what we do at home), which I think is all our teachers are looking for. Just a consistent approach.

We do a behavior chart/sticker system and one of them is "good day at school." So now that I've been hearing that he's having trouble listening / not staying on his cot at naptime, I tell him that he can have a sticker when he gets home if I hear from his teachers that he listened well. It works somedays, not others.

I also told this to his teachers, so they're going to try to offer him a sticker when they feel it might help (this is mostly for nap-time because he's not staying on his cot).

Out of curiousity - did your DS move to a new room recently? DS1 has only been in the 3 year old room for a few weeks, so I feel like they're trying to understand him a little bit as well.

melody921 · February 2013

kelbel527:
superned:

Next time they say something, I would just tell them exactly how you handle things at home. Using the same expectations and the same language will probably help your DS with the transitions.

The world of preschoolers...we've had some very similar conversations lately! This has been my approach (tell them what we do at home), which I think is all our teachers are looking for. Just a consistent approach.

We do a behavior chart/sticker system and one of them is "good day at school." So now that I've been hearing that he's having trouble listening / not staying on his cot at naptime, I tell him that he can have a sticker when he gets home if I hear from his teachers that he listened well. It works somedays, not others.

I also told this to his teachers, so they're going to try to offer him a sticker when they feel it might help (this is mostly for nap-time because he's not staying on his cot).

Out of curiousity - did your DS move to a new room recently? DS1 has only been in the 3 year old room for a few weeks, so I feel like they're trying to understand him a little bit as well.

Thanks for all the tips, ladies! And no, DS has actually been in this room since October. They moved him over early bc he's very verbal and was fitting in better with the older kids than the younger toddlers who were just biting to express themselves.

bosha711 · February 2013

superned:
Yeah, he totally sounds like a typical 3-year-old and the teachers should be able to manage it. Were they asking you how you help him with transitions at home, or was she basically just ratting him out?
Next time they say something, I would just tell them exactly how you handle things at home. Using the same expectations and the same language will probably help your DS with the transitions.
If they keep bringing it up, I might go to the director and suggest that the staff might need a training on handling transitions with preschoolers. Jeez.

I agree with this part.

I would also remind DS at drop-off to listen to his teacher, be a good boy, etc.

sapphiremom13 · February 2013

superned:
Yeah, he totally sounds like a typical 3yearold and the teachers should be able to manage it.nbsp; Were they asking you how you help him with transitions at home, or was she basically just ratting him out?Next time they say something, I would just tell them exactly how you handle things at home.nbsp; Using the same expectations and the same language will probably help your DS with the transitions.If they keep bringing it up, I might go to the director and suggest that the staff might need a training on handling transitions with preschoolers.nbsp; Jeez.

This sounds good.

sapphiremom13 · February 2013

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
The teachers probably can't really win, because there are parents who want to know every.little.detail, and then there are parents who only want to know when there's a serious issue.It sounds like your kid is being a 3year old, and at that age, it is hard to try to deal with a schooltime issue hours after the fact. They just don't get it. I'd keep reminding him to listen to his teachers when you drop him off in the mornings, but really there's not much you can do beyond that.nbsp;

Also good points.

kelbel527 · February 2013

LoveLossHopeRepeat:

The teachers probably can't really win, because there are parents who want to know every.little.detail, and then there are parents who only want to know when there's a serious issue.

This is a good point. We like to know more than less, so I am OK when they tell me about him not listening, but I get annoyed if they seem like they want me to do something about it. But if they say, "Just so you know this is happening...but we're working on it, just wanted to keep you in the loop!" -- those are my favorite teachers. Smile

melody921 · February 2013

LoisLane23:

Yeah, that's annoying. The other day DC said that Tessa hit someone with a truck. Ok, well we don't have other 2 year olds at home and we don't have trucks at home so I'm not sure what you expect me to do about it? I can't really punish the behavior 6 hours later.

Precisely, by then she's probably forgotten why she hit the kid in the first place. And kelbel, I feel like by the teacher asking me if I'd talk to him, she's expecting I'm going to be able to handle or fix this rather than just looping me in.

Unknown · February 2013

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hmp1 · February 2013

I would want the teacher to tell for sure but I would expect them to be handling it. I would think she was telling you in case it is also a problem at home, or she was trying to get your input on ideas that work. Is she able to implement the same things you guys do at home? Our daycare does a reward chart so the kids get stickers by their name when they help, follow directions, potty...and then I can see at the end of the day how many stickers he got and I can talk about it too him right then while we are still in the classroom. He loves showing me his stickers at the end of the day. Do they do anything like that?

hmp1 · February 2013

melody921:
LoisLane23:

Yeah, that's annoying. The other day DC said that Tessa hit someone with a truck. Ok, well we don't have other 2 year olds at home and we don't have trucks at home so I'm not sure what you expect me to do about it? I can't really punish the behavior 6 hours later.

Precisely, by then she's probably forgotten why she hit the kid in the first place. And kelbel, I feel like by the teacher asking me if I'd talk to him, she's expecting I'm going to be able to handle or fix this rather than just looping me in.

I think you need to tell the teacher how you want her to handle it at the time.

AKB090609 · February 2013

I know that the teachers at my center will ask parents what works at home when they have issues with a child at school. Perhaps the teacher was looking for advice about what has worked in the past.

linzeek44 · February 2013

One of the specific areas I work with early childhood teachers on are transitions, so I'm chiming in even though I'm not a STM. I hope that's okay. I love this stuff.

So, I think you are very much right in thinking that even though you talk about it all the time, he is just 3 and talking after the fact is so removed from the incident. I agree that letting the teachers know exactly what you do at home is helpful, if they will try to implement it at school. I'm willing to bet that the afternoon teacher isn't supporting him through transitions very well, and he is just doing what all three year olds do when they aren't getting the guidance they need.

I don't know how open your teachers are to feedback but maybe you can casually recommend some ideas that you think will help. ("oh, we have noticed that he does well with a visual. Maybe you can try that with him and see if it helps.")

Teachers in the research studies we have done generally are not good with transitions. The whole "everybody, it's time to clean up" is not effective for all kids. What we coach teachers to do is a warning ahead of time (like you were saying, a two minute warning, usually verbally and with a visual or auditory cue like a bell or sign or 2 minute song). Then, a direction to transition to the whole class with individual reminders to children who need it. All this followed by a HIGH rate of positive reinforcement throughout.

Usually the reinforcement is low, or only at the end, not reinforcing when the child stops playing and starts cleaning, etc.

If he is a visual learner, I would use a picture to show him the direction, or let him hold the timer and when it beeps, that means its time to clean up or line up.

Or if he is into helping, I'd give him a transition object like something special to bring to the line to motivate him to get there. Or a peer buddy if he is motivated by peer interactions.

If he is into stories, you could help the teachers make a social story about the expectations with pictures of him for the day. Things like "when the teacher says its time to line up, I walk to the line." that way you can read it at drop off or teachers can read it throughout the day. It's also a great way to remind teachers and children about the plan ("the teacher will give me a timer. When it beeps, I go to the line, and she will give me a sticker for doing a great job lining up.")

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