i'm so gonna get it for this Q...
missejayne
member
I am not sure why people are not allowed to a part of planning their own shower.... I dont suggest I should plan or throw my own shower, but if I wanted to HELP I just dont get the big deal. People will claim "ettiquite"... but from what era? The 1950's? (just a question, i am prepared to get a new *** for this, I am ready!)
My ONLY suggestion for my shower was I wanted to go to the dollar store and pick up little things for kids who are invited to the shower to play with. i.e. bubbles, crayons, coloring books etc. Is this viewed as something bad? My mom and MIL are planning a fantastic shower, I trust them and cant wait to show up and enjoy, but I want to just help out in little ways. I do not want anyone to stress out over me or my shower. Is this allowed, or am I seriously not allowed to help? I want the children who attend to have fun as well.
Ok have at me girls... hope everyone had a good day!
Re: i'm so gonna get it for this Q...
If you talk to the host and offer to take car of one specific thing (favors - for example) which it sounds like you did, and the host agrees, then I don't see an issue with it.
The issue I see with the MTB helping "plan" the shower, is that she isn't hosting it or paying for it. The host should be the one to plan the shower since she is paying for it and ultimately is responsible for the party.
What if the MTB says "we should have this cake" and wants specific drinks, decorations, location, etc and it is more money than the host was planning to spend or the host isn't comfortable with those things?
Also, the host may have a "vision" for the shower. Part of the fun is the planning, coming up with ideas and being creative. Now the MTB is taking that away from the host.
If the host *wants* the MTB's input, then the host will ask.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
Hostess says: "What flavor cake do you want?"
M2B: "Chocolate is my favorite!"
H: "Cool"
vs
H: "What flavor cake do you want?"
M2B: "I want a three layer chocolate cake from Zsa Zsa Bakery, but it HAS to be made by Susie, Katy is awful with the fondant babies. Oh and by the way, I want the whole thing covered in fondant babies that are made to look like H and I as babies as well as this photoshopped blend that the u/s tech says is likely what our baby looks like. I want sparkling grape juice fountains---here is the number where you can rent it from, as for Jack, I spoke with him last week about the availability....oh and I also went ahead and requested a quote from Jacque's Cafe for the menu, he's expecting your call this week...."
Ok, so not all people are as psycho as example #2, but you'd be surprised. Bottom line is: hostesses will ask for your input when and if they want it.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Agree with PPs. If the host asks for your preference on something or needs help with a specific task, that's fine. It crosses the line when MTBs make requests that put the shower outside the scope or budget of what the host had planned and can come across that the host's gift isn't good enough.
Think of it like this, MIL asks what you'd like for your birthday and you mention you could use a new sweater, fine. On the other hand, if you tell her where to buy it, how to wrap it, what your favorite color wrapping paper is, and what time you'll be over to make the bow because you make the best bows ever, it's just way out of line and insulting to MIL.
Well...etiquette is right up to and includes the year 2013 (and beyond). A shower is a gift to you. It wouldn't be much of a gift if you were handed something but wrapped it yourself...right? It is much the same with a shower.
Rather then making a suggestion, maybe your could ask your hostess if they would like you to pick up some things for the kids to do while they are there. If they say, "No, we have that taken care of", then back off. Obviously they want to do all of it.
I host a lot of showers but I do not (never have) purchased or made the favors for the guests. I tell the MTB's right away that if they want the guests to have favors then they need to supply them. Everything else I do. Never have I invited children (and won't) so that issues (what to entertain the kids with) has never come up. Good luck with that.
This! Especially the bolded.
So wise.
If you're asked, you can absolutely offer an honest opinion but if they don't ask you, it's not your place to say anything, just show up and enjoy your day. You have a lifetime of kids birthday parties and other events to obsess over and plan.
I dont see it as a problem....why not its for the kiddies. Ive never been to a shower where the hostess didnt take suggestions from MTB. When I threw a shower for my sister I asked her what did she liked or if she wanted anything specific. She told me what she wanted and I paid for it............I dont see whats so wrong with that.
You ASKED her for her opinions/suggestions, she didn't dictate what you were going to do for her - there's a huge difference there.
Nobody has said it's wrong for the MTB to give input if asked.
If a host wants input/help/whatever from the MTB, they'll ask for it. "Help" shouldn't just be offered. A shower is a gift to the new MTB, not a party to be dictated by the MTB.
And, to your point on etiquette, I'm so over people saying "What is this, the 50s?!?" Class, tact, and politeness are not dated ideas. They are timeless. Yes, traditions can change with the times (for example, grandmothers or other family members hosting the shower), but it is still wrong for a MTB to host her own shower, basically plan it herself, to ask for specific types of gifts, and other general, common sense things that people just want to disregard for their own gain.
I'm also not part of the cool bunch, so that's just my own opinion wrapped up in a beautiful "I don't really care what other people do with their shower" shiny paper.
my friends that are throwing me a shower so far asked me "do you want games, and if so what kind do you hate or like?" I said "games would be good, and x,y,z, were fun when we did them for so and so, but dont want to do A,B,C bc it takes too long"
then they asked me "what kind of dessert do you want" and I said "I like fruit tarts or fruity cakes" she asked if i wanted a specific cake from a bakery or a store, i said any place is fine but I added "dont need to be baby shower decorated as they charge extra for decorations." and that added comment was purely because all the showers i have thrown with our friends, whenever we add "decorations" on the cake, the bakers charge double, and I wanted the least amt of financial burden on them....
I dont see anything wrong with giving out preferences when asked by the hosts and i dont think any of the girls here ever said it was wrong...
I understand the sentiment but it's not the MTB's responsibility to make sure other people's children behave.
Perhaps making sure children are not bored to tears and tantrums is important to me, and OP? I remember events where, as a child, I would have appreciated to be left alone with a coloring book and a cousin instead of having to smile for company I didn't know / care for.
We're not talking responsibility. We're talking preferences, and being nice also.
Without even reading all the posts, I'm sure people have shared their perspective on why it's not proper etiquette for the MTB to be heavily involved in planning the shower that is being thrown for her. I don't consider what you are suggesting - getting things for the kids - really "planning" the shower. As long as you are not dictating what the shower should be like, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking the hosts, "is there anything I can do to help?" I think a lot of people have that inclination (to want to help; to not feel like you are the cause of a lot of work) with sincere intentions, not to be a diva or to be controlling. A good host will not take you up on your offer, or will just throw you a bone to let you "help" with something very minor! :-)
Sorry, this is boring. Read through the board. If you can't figure it out, then it doesn't matter.
Thats not how I was introduced to baby showers, Everyone I know since I was little that had a baby shower always had one their first......(to welcome the new baby) and then every child after that. Until I came to the bump I have never heard of not having more then one shower and it being 'rude' to have your input in the shower.
Is it not proper etiquette to ask the MTB what she would like for the shower? Yes its a gift to her but if im the one paying for a shower for the MTB I would want to make sure she is happy with the way the shower is going.
If you really want to be a stickler for etiquette, the person throwing the shower should not be related to the MTB. This also goes for bridal showers. A family member throwing the shower can look like you are pushing for your family to get things from others.
That being said, I agree that it is ok to give input if you are asked, but if not, enjoy the time that someone else is planning for you.
Again, it's not the MTB's job. When you have a child, his/her entertainment and behavior is your responsibility. I wouldn't expect anyone to have any kind of set up for my DD if we go to a party. I pack toys, snacks and whatever else I think will keep her occupied, or she stays with DH while I go on my own or if DH and I are both invited, we can have a babysitter watch her.
It's a shower, not a playdate.
My precious pearls must have gotten tangled up, because I'm still fairly certain everyone appreciates hosts thinking of their invited children's comfort on top of their own.
As for your consistent "not the MTB's job" reply, I sweet as honey swear when someone WANTS to do something it doesn't come off as a chore.
If OP WANTS to do this, and hosts agree, it really isn't anyone's business but her own. No one will know who did it, anyways.
Dude. That's not what I said. It's FINE to ask what she wants and if asked it's fine for the MTB to give input. It's NOT fine for her to plan/dictate/oversee the gift you are giving her.
Wowza... well I think some girls may not want to force people into planning or may just have a hard time 'giving up control'. Me personally when there are big parties in my family I am somehow the person everyone turns to for ideas. SO when its MY party its just so strange that I am left totally in the dark. Maybe thats why girls have issues with other planning it for them? I dunno. It is hard for me when my mom generally calls me for every party she ever throws for help, then suddenly I am thrust into the unknown. Its rough. I like helping, finding those little details at parties people think are fun... or a dish that goes with the theme... or a different game other than what people are use to.
I am ESTATIC about my theme (Phillies Baby Shower for a little boy, I only know cause my mom sent me an invite haha) that they came up with.. and I am resisting EVERY urge to go online and find cute little things or ideas. Its killing me! Its not because I want to control, or have it all 'my way', I just love planning stuff like this!! I know I will be happy with whatever they come up with; because I know its out of love for me, hubby and LO.
Happy Hump Day! Hope everyone is having a good one...
There have been oodles of posts of girls bitching and moaning that their shower wasn't done their way or posts saying "what if it's not the shower I've always dreamed of?" Some girls definitely have a problem letting go.
You don't seem to be one of those.
I'm not going to lie, I didn't read your entire post. I couldn't make it past the first few sentences. I get the impression you only posted to cause a ruckus.
I don't know who that is, but that gif gets funnier the longer I look at it.
Right?? I have never posted a gif here, so I was a lot more excited than I think I should have been. It's Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Tl;dr. If the host asks for input, great! If not, the MTB should just sit back and enjoy (and appreciate) the gift given.
I agree with Cinderin.
It's one thing to ask if you can help with something.
It's quite another to demand specifics and "do it yourself" if the hostess has other ideas.