Split between 2 homes
Sorry this is long
My daughter's father and I are, unfortunately, not together anymore. I returned to work when she was 12 weeks old and she's been going to daycare during the week and spending every other weekend with her Dad. His mother just retired and moved here a couple of weeks ago and has volunteered to keep McKinsey 2 days out of the week (Thursday/Friday). This would be an ideal arrangement except she lives 40 minutes away from me so my daughter would have to stay with her grandmother from Wednesday nights and I would pick her up on Friday nights after work. Her father lives with his mother so on his weekends McKinsey will be there from Wednesday night to Sunday night.
My concern is that my daughter would actually be spending more time with her grandmother than she would with me. I'm afraid the line between Grandma and Mommy might get blurred. Additionally, I'm concerned about the stability of the situation...it would seem that McKinsey doesn't really have a home because her time would be divided pretty close to half and half between 2 places. My family thinks my daughter is really too young for it to have that kind of lasting effects on her and they all agree if his mother is offering me a break both financially (because I won't have to pay full price for daycare) and time then I should take it.
I havent even mentioned the part about missing my baby while she's gone that long. I've never been away from her longer than her weekends with her dad...and don't even get me started on how I don't think it's fair that he made the decision not to be a full time part of her life and now he's trying to "back door" time with her by having his mother take care of her.
Anyone have opinions on splitting a baby between 2 homes and the possible effects it might have on my daughter?
Re: Split between 2 homes
Would you be able to consider that Thursday and Friday as his "weekend" with her and instead of everyother weekend, then he is having her every weekend? For example - make the decision that instead of having her on the weekend, he can have her every Thursday and Friday and it is his responsibility to have childcare=his mom.
This. My DH drives an hour to work and I use to drive 45 min. To school so 40 min. Honestly wouldn't bother me. I would rather make the drive than be seperated for 4 days.
For starters, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. Just because your husband and you couldn't make your marriage work, is no way a reason to deny him visitation from his daughter. 4 days a month is not enough time to develop a good, long loving relationship with her father, he shouldn't have to "back door" any time with her, you should be allowing him to spend 50% of the time with her as he is 50% her parent.
2nd - Why isn't he helping with the day care cost if you have her 86% of the time?
3rd - 40 minutes isn't that far. If the situation with the grandma is ideal and you don't want her spending those nights with her father, drive the 40 minutes, or see if the grandma will meet you half way.
4th - Perhaps you could arrange that she spend Wednesday evening - Friday evening every week, and you have her the rest of the time? Then he is only getting her 8 nights a month, which still gives you 72% access.
This is the most crucial age for her to be developing healthy relationships with both you and her father. Your family is right, she is far too young to be worrying about if this is going to damage her. What WILL damage her, is you being spiteful and not allowing her to spend ample time with her father.
I never saw in the op that the poster is trying to deny her daughter a relationship w her dad. Are you a bm [birth mom] with a divorce situation? If not, it's so easy to just say 'no matter what parenting time should be 50 50'. But parenting time should be what is best for each child individually, not according to some formula.
I am a bm with a divorce situation and my opinion is that a baby less than 1 [and maybe even older than that!] don't necc thrive in 50 50 situations, esp if they are nursing.
Op do you have a formal seperation agreement? If so what does it say? If not, be very careful what you do informally. Whatever you are doing becomes precedent and will be v hard to change in the future. So your family may be saying that your baby does not know the difference now, but whatever you do now is likely to be upheld in the future by a judge unless you are able to prove its not in the child's best interest. Follow your lawyers advice to the t.
IMO if your husb chose to move 40 min away from your family home that is his problem to arrange transportation to see his child. I am in the camp that a 40 min drive 2times a day when it is not necc is not in the best interest of the child. If you decide to do this new childcare arrangement, insist that they meet you half way. Again, precedent... If you do all the driving now, your ex will expect you to do all the driving in the future and a judge will probably agree.
Again, IMO it's important for a child to have a stable home. I am assuming your exh won't be living w his mother forever. If this was my child, I would want the majority of parenting time to be in the stable home, so that the child has a sense of security. Any judge would agree w that IMO. Allow your exh to come often to see his child. Again, the focus is on stability and the best interests of the child.
Honestly I would forgo this childcare arrangement if you can. It has too many dangerous areas where precedent could be set that is not in her best interest long term, IMO. If you must do it financially, first run it by your lawyer and follow their advice. Then, insist that your exh drive the child half way home each day.
I would encourage you to post an intro on the blended families board here. It's great with some people who have been there and have great advice. It's a mix of sm's [stepmoms] and bms, and everyone will have a lot of opinions. However I think they would all agree that you need to run this by your lawyer. If you don't have a formal agreement in place this is a very delecate time for you and every decision could have lasting consequences.
Best of luck!!!!
Her entire post and especially this comment "and don't even get me started on how I don't think it's fair that he made the decision not to be a full time part of her life and now he's trying to "back door" time with her by having his mother take care of her. " made it very apparent that she really doesn't want her baby spending much time with the father at all.
And no, I'm not a divorced parent, but as a parent who has talked at great lengths with my husband about whether or not we should continue our marriage and have discussed what we would do should we decide to end it, I do feel that the children should have 50/50 time with each parent if it is at all possible. However, I am lucky that we have decided to continue our marriage and continue to make it work for both our and our children's sake.