Question for those who have struggled with TTC

mamaHippo23 · February 2013

I have been reconnecting with a childhood friend and we plans to see each other tomorrow for the first time in at least 5 yrs. We have been facebooking for a while and she often talks about her and her husband's struggles to get pregnant. I think she has some medical issues and doctors say it will be very difficult for them, but they can keep trying.

She always asks me about my kid and how he's doing, but I always feel a little awkward talking about my new baby to her. I know she wouldn't ask if it made her upset, but knowing how badly she wants a baby makes me feel so bad that she isn't able to have one yet. She makes comments like "How is your baby boy? I can't wait to have my own bundle of joy!" and I don't know how I should respond. I really like this girl and want to rekindle our friendship. I want to encourage and support her without accidentally offending her or reminding her of upsetting things.

My question is: What is NOT helpful to hear and may be taken the wrong way? Do you appreciate hearing "Be patient, it will happen in the right time" or is that annoying? I've been trying to keep telling her she will be a great mom and I'm so proud of her for not giving up. Is there anything else that could offer her some enouragement?

Thanks for your help with this. I have no experience or perspective and I want to be a good friend to her.

KellersPrag · February 2013

From everything I have EVER heard, do not say any of the It will happen in the right time comments. That can be very upsetting.
ETA: let her lead the conversation pertaining to her and her husband, I wouldn't intentionally bring up the baby struggles or anything at all.

hmp1 · February 2013

My BFF has been struggling to get pregnant for the 6 years we have been friends. I don't bring it up unless she has told me a date of a procedure and then I text her sending her good vibes. She did her second round of IVF in the fall and it didn't work so I mailed her a "box of sunshine" package. I didn't mention the baby/pregnancy just a simple love you card. Other than that, I just let her lead the way on what/when she wants to talk about baby wise. I try not to say stuff like "it will happen". I am very conscience to not complain to her about being a mom.

mamaHippo23 · February 2013

Yes, I agree. I do not plan to bring it up if possible, but she is pretty open about it and brings it up often.

Stasi · February 2013

I agree with what hmp said. I struggled TTC (about 18 months which is a short time compared to what many experience) and I had 9 girlfriends get pregnant and/or have babies in that time.

I think that if she has chosen the mindset of talking about her future as mom as "when it does happen" and not "if it will happen" then you should adopt the same way of talking about it as well...does that make sense?

I would also openly talk about your little guy if she is asking to hear about him. An attempt to try to hide it if she is seeking to hear more about him would seem like you felt bad for her in some way.

I'm not sure if any of that made sense...I need that magic Anita has to make my thoughts logical!

MarisaKathleen · February 2013

Ugh, we tried for 4 years. Lots of tests, surgery, drugs, etc. It was annoying to constantly hear "it'll happen for you when the time is right!" As if the time was right for my single BFF who drank too much and had a one night stand and now has a 4yr old? Come on. That's BS.

I think that it's also important to consider that while she wants to know about your LO, just comment and then be done with it. To go on about it might hurt.

It's nice that you're being so considerate. I hope your friend date goes well! Keep us posted!

superned · February 2013

It took us four years to conceive DD.

Definitely don't say "it will happen at the right time" or anything along those lines. Don't even refer to "when you're a mom" or her future children. There is no way to know if she'll ever carry a child and she may not choose (or be able to choose) adoption.

Just be there for her, and listen. If she asks you about your LO, answer honestly, but also be sure to talk about other things that aren't related to kids/babies/pregnancy/IF. And try not to think about it too much - the last thing either of you probably wants is for things to get awkward for talking about it too much (or, alternatively, conspicuously avoiding the topic).

When dealing with TTC, it's so nice to know that you have people thinking about you and who are willing to listen when you need to talk.

Hyaline · February 2013

tara1223:
I know the whole, in god's plan, it will happen when the timing is right, etc, is not the best thing to say to someone who is struggling.
I would just be a listening ear and offer words of encouragement like you have been doing-you are going to be a great mom, etc.

This--unless it's the language she uses. I have friends for whom using a "It will happen in God's time, not ours" kind of mindset and language is helpful and fulfilling--and in that case, I think it's fine to agree.

gingerfamily · February 2013

Please do not say that. Honestly, if she's really struggling I wouldn't say anything other than " you're in my prayers" if you're the praying type. Everything else used to piss me off.

mamaHippo23 · February 2013

Thanks for all the input, I really appreciate it. I'm that girl who blurts out the wrong thing, at the wrong time, so anything to keep my mouth in check is helpful.

beckcour · February 2013

I think it's wonderful that you're being considerate of your friend. I agree with all the PPs. It hurts very much to hear "it'll happen when it's the right time" or "just relax and it'll happen". My best friend actually told me we needed to stop trying. Ummm, I'm pretty sure we should have sex if we're trying to conceive. Another friend of mine had her best friend tell her "Maybe you weren't meant to be a mom." I probably would have b!tch slapped her.

damabo80 · February 2013

Oh dear god, please do not say "it will happen" or any derivative thereof. Unless you have a fucking_crystal ball. Which you don't. The fact of the matter is that it may not happen.

You CAN say, if the conversation comes around to it that she is in your TPs and you're crossing everything you have for her.

Do not offer up others' stories like "my sister's BF's dog's mother's BFF's owner" had Tttc and now she has 16 kids!!!!11!" Because no two utes or journeys are the same.

Check out resolve.org for other tips. Great website!

Regarding talking about your LO, if she asks, just answer honestly. No need to gush, but also don't try to tell horror stories of how little sleep you're getting in an effort to make it sound like parenthood sucks and she should enjoy getting a full 8 hours of sleep, because you're not. A great response is "he's doing great! He just learned to roll over, so we're excited about that. Hey, what ever happened to your coirker, the one you were telling me about....."

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