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Attachment Parenting
sunkissed7804
member
Daughter had become VERY interested in Daddy's parts...yikes!
sunkissed7804
member
We have a 6 and a half year old daughter and she is recently very aware that daddy has different parts than her. She asks him to see them, tries to lurk while he is changing or in the shower, and sometimes will even go as far as to reach out to touch! YIKES!
My hubby doesn't know how to handle the behavior. He gave her the spiel... "I know you are interested and that is normal because we look different. You aren't in trouble but it is not okay for you to touch someone else's parts, even daddy's. If someone ever says you can or asks you to touch them, mommy and daddy want to know right away. No one should be touching your parts and you should not touch theirs."
Advice from anyone? Should we allow her to lurk while he changes? Maybe show her pictures of male anatomy?
Anyone going through/gone through something similar??
Thanks!! 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Daughter had become VERY interested in Daddy's parts...yikes!
Three thoughts:
1) Perhaps make it more relatable? You could say "we don't touch other people's eyeballs either." You could talk to her about respecting other people's wishes ("he said not to touch. you need to respect his request whether it's penis or elbow.") You could talk about it while fully clothed.
2) Make it a non issue. If he's trying to hide or cover up, maybe don't. Let him (and everyone) be naked when they are naked (not trying to say go nude around the house all the time) but without closed doors. Standard polite behavior applies, though - no staring, no touching. Same rules that apply to anything else.
3) Personal thing here, but I would avoid the lie and the diversion"no one should be touching your parts". Those parts have names - "Vulvas and penises are private things." And it's not true that no one would ever touch them. You might have to if you need to help wipe her up after a bathroom accident. (I know, not likely at 6.) A doctor might have to in a medical situation. And, when she's older - probably not a whole lot more than 10 years away - she's going to start touching herself and others on purpose. If you start with this "no one should be touching" thing, you start to (inadvertently, I'm sure) introduce shame.
Great points
Thank you!
That was just a snippet of what she is told
We avoid all pet names for her parts. She knows the difference between her vagina, vulva, and anus, for example. It is a huge pet peeve when a kid refers to their vulva as their "pee pee" Ugh. We tell her that besides us only a doctor should be touching her.
We aren't a shy family by any means so I think I will suggest to my husband to make it a non issue but as you said reaffirm that it is not polite to stare or touch. I like the eyeball comment! jaja
I think a lot of it is age and just plain old interest because we are due with next baby girl in May.
We are already having to think of ways to add on to the "Where do babies come from?" question. We don't ever want to lie to her about anything. We add age appropriate info as it becomes apparent that she needs more elaborating on the subject. The last add on was that a part of the mom called an egg and a part of the dad called sperm come together and a baby starts to form. I showed her a video of it and she thought it was the coolest thing ever. However, any day now she is going to ask how those parts find each other. I'm searching to figure out the next add on!! jaja
Mom of older kids chiming in:
In my home we are pretty laid back about nudity. We don't make a big deal out of changing clothes or stepping out of the shower in front of the kids. However, when our kids reached this stage of noticing and being more curious about parental private parts (which they ALL do at around age 5 or 6) we did start to close the door while we were changing or showering. If one of the kids happens to barge into the bedroom when we are changing, we don't make a big deal or scold. We just say, "Hey, I'm changing. Could you wait outside? I'll be with you or we can talk through the door."
We also gave them the right of privacy for changing and (as soon as they were able) for showering at this time as well.
Nothing about this subtle change seemed stressful or harsh. We never had a "talk" about it. There's never been a rule about it, or a big deal made. It just seemed to be a normal/natural change in our family as the kids grew.
Hmmm.
I have lots of Europeans friends and family that go naked in front of the kids, allow kids to walk around the house/yard naked, and go naked at the beach. To them it is all quite normal and I have never heard of them having a problem.
However, in my family every kid has the Private Body talk over and over starting as soon as they can understand it. "Your private body is the part that's under your swimsuit. If anyone touches your private body or wants to look at it, you tell us right away...." Sounds like you already had that talk.
Time to go a step further and make sure DH is always covering his own Private Body when DD is around. And the same goes for you! To do otherwise is going to send her mixed messages. It may be time to make it a Time-Out issue. Express to her that if she refuses to follow the rules and respect her dad's private body then she is going to have a time out, or lose a privilege for one night.Maybe take all of her toys away for the night and go to bed early. I did this once or twice with my #1 and boy did it work!
You are the parent. You set the rules. Once the rules are set you ENFORCE the rules.
And I would not encourage showing her pics of male genitalia. In some states you can go to prison for this (even if you are showing her pics from the Merc Manual) simply because she is underage and it is considered exposing a child to pornography or undue sexual influence. Once again, this is only in some states, but in general it is a bad idea if she is already testing the boundaries you have set, as it sends the message that the boundaries are not firm and that you will give in to her whims if she keeps at it long enough. In other words, she doesn't have to follow the rules.
J14 May Siggy Challenge
**Colleen Donaghy**
While my kid is an infant, I am very comfortable with these kind of things and my mom is not- so I got the privilege of doing this type of stuff with my much younger sister.
Once she became aware of differences in the body, we started small and made everything scientific. Everything has different parts that work together. I showed her the different parts of a flower. The cells from this part meet the cells from this part and they make a seed- no mention of sex or how that comes together in humans- just a simple "this is how flowers make more flowers." We eventually went to cats as she asked how cats made more cats and then she looked at me with "the face" and I knew she had pieced it together on her own. She hasnt asked any more questions, but learned -alot- just by my baby being born.
There are body books geared towards kids that arent so graphic as say a textbook. They have illustrations. That's what we had.
Letting her "lurk" seems like it's adding sneakiness to nudity and later sexuality, so if I were in that situation, I wouldnt encourage hiding of nudity, but certainly not letting her sneak a peak.
I doubt she understands privacy but obviously it's time to introduce it. Seeing dad naked isnt bad, but it's not nice to be sneaky or to touch when dad wants his privacy. (Love the example about the eyeballs, PP!)
There is no way I would put her in timeout. That's way over the top. I don't think you need to show her pictures of penises either. I think changing with the door closed is a good idea. She's just curious but needs to learn it's not appropriate to touch Daddy's parts or anybody elses for that matter. Other than that, I wouldn't make it into a big deal. Change privately and I'm sure she'll lose interest.
I was going to suggest this as well. I definitely don't think this is a punishable offense...at least not at first, unless she is doing it to be defiant in which case I would use whatever discipline method you use when she does any other inappropriate behavior. While you are in the "teaching boundaries' phase, just be consistent.
I am thinking of getting some age appropriate anatomy books for DD, especially since she is going to be having a little brother and I know there will be questions! Something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Amazing-You-Getting-Smart-Private/dp/0142410586/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1361905606&sr=8-7&keywords=toddler+anatomy+book
My soon to be 12 year old stepdaughter and I recently had the menstruation talk. I told her she would notice hair in places there never was hair. She tells me that she already has that happening and I asked her where. She proceeds to tell me "my pee pee".
At 12 years old, she's embarassed to say vagina or vulva so I told her to use privates if it made her that uncomfortable saying vagina or vulva. I can see a child under the age of 5 saying pee pee... but a 12 year old. No way.