Hiding money from my husband (for now)

arcook0307 · February 2013

So I have a general power of attorney at present. I received a refund check in my husbands name for a nice amount from our mortgage lender stating we had an overage in our escrow account.

In short, my husband is a spender and I am a saver. I'd like to surprise him after the new baby comes with how much money I've been able to save since taking over the finances. Is there a way to deposit the money without him knowing? I am thinking it would have to go into an account with his name since the check is in his name. They said I can deposit a check with his name on it into his account but that would defeat the purpose since he would know it was there. I am not allowed to cash it.

We do not have a checking/saving account with the bank that issued the check if that matters...

Do I have any options? I am not trying to be "shady". I just want to save money since we have NO savings whatsoever and are paycheck to paycheck.

Could I open a new account at the bank that issued the check, put his name on the account as an authorized user, and deposit the check that way? That way he wouldn't even know the account existed...

arcook0307 · February 2013

I will say this.....in the last month he himself has proven he is not a man of his word and lacks major integrity and self-control.......He has blown through $400 on caffeine gum, energy drinks, coffee, supplements for working out etc. We had to have our car worked on and that would have covered it. He gives me his word that he "won't do it again" but the next morning I look at our account and he's done it again! So this is a matter of protecting myself quite frankly...

Besides that, I think he will see that this was a good move, not a bad one....when he finds out we don't have to put things on a credit card for the new baby like he already said he was going to do. All his credit cards are MAXED..... because he can't control his spending.

I didn't want to disclose all this but those are the reasons behind why I want to do it.

Emilia0101 · February 2013

If you have a power of attorney can you sign the check his name power of attorney, pay to the order of your name and have no trouble depositing the money.

Bigger picture: I get you are coming from a good place and wanting to save for the greater good I would worry 1) what would his reaction be if he finds out you got the check and didn't tell him about it. 2) Have you looked at addressing the spending issues with a plan that may involve an allowance style system? Not in a childish way, but in a way of we need to refocus our priorities with a baby coming and a cash based system for personal expenses may work the best?

Sammy0709 · February 2013

After reading both of your posts, OP, I still wouldn't make some kind of secret account OR keep this money secret. That is, IMO, dishonest and lacks the integrity and respect spouses should have for each other. I know you see it as a big surprise but what if his reaction is, "oh gee, thanks for trying to rub it in my face how much better at budgeting you are." You need to have a serious talk with him about how his lack of responsibility with money is affecting your life and your marriage. My husband and I had the money/budget talk early in our relationship because he likes to spend money as well. If you don't have a conversation like this with him what do you really expect that you will do in the future, hide money from him for the rest of your life? I can see where you mean well but I really think a plan like this has the potential to back-fire.

MiahT · February 2013

Personally, I would not hide the money from my husband (if I were in your situation); but if I knew there was a good possibility DH would spend the extra money without realizing that he's spending the money we had agreed would be put aside for the baby's needs, I'd suggest that he hold off on purchasing anything (other than an agreed upon amount) for the few days it would take the check to clear and then, if we both agreed, I would remove the funds from that account. Put them in savings, another checking account, a safety deposit box, cookie jar on top of the refrigerator, under the mattress, wherever - just so long as DH couldn't accidentally spend them. The best solution, obviously, would be getting your DH to follow a budget rather than hiding money or being forced to removing the temptation from his reach, but it sounds like you're already aware of that.

Carnation77 · February 2013

I can't believe you would even consider doing something so deceitful. This kind of thing is why I hate to see Soldiers give their spouses general POA's.

KIR2DS4 · February 2013

I agree with PPs, that you doing something deceitful is sort of counter-intuitive to the situation--you both need to be honest with how the money is spent and saved. I'm unclear if he's gone or not, unless the POA is just left over from something else...but can you get him on a cash system? Envelopes budgeted for certain things--coffee, snacks, gas--and when he's out, he's out. A major "come to Jesus" talk needs to happen IMO and I wouldn't suggest starting that out with lies, even if it *is* in an attempt to protect yourself.

arcook0307 · February 2013

I figured people would call me deceitful but until you've been through what I've been through...it wouldn't make sense to you anyway. I have a child to care for, as do many of you....and another one coming. He completely BLOWS me off. He has an allowance. He has spent that plus another $200 on credit cards and overdrafting accounts....and tries to justify it to me. Then, the next day he will always tell me how good I am for our finances and thanks me for being the saver that I am. I genuinely don't think he will be upset because he knows he has a hard time resisting the urge to buy something. I can't change him. He has to want to change. For now, however, I don't think he needs to know there's an extra bit of money. Once he had blown through all his allowance, credit cards, and emptied another account, he started debiting our billing account.....four times actually. He needs help, I agree but in the meantime....I can't have him spending all his money just because he knows there is a backup. He does not mind sitting at ZERO a week before payday. He goes through periods where he does well but then you never know when he decides he needs to spend $9 at Starbucks or buy a $70 pair of shoes for some special workout he wants to try.... I mean...I'm trying to protect US.

sweetpea2003 · February 2013

OP, I don't doubt your good intentions/motives, but there are better ways to address his spending problems than treating him like a child. A marriage is a partnership and when you find yourself moving towards being dishonest (even if it is a "white lie" in your mind), red flags should start going up for you.

The military offers tons of financial management courses. I would call your local base/post and see if they have a calendar of events. I am currently on an Army Post and there are several marriage, parenting, and financial courses offered free to military members and families every month. I don't personally have an experience with it, but Dave Ramsey is popular. I *think he does a cash system which would probably a very good way to help your DH's spending issues.

We have our own system in our house. We are both big savers but I guess if you had to put us in categories I would would be the "spender". It is partially because I do all of the family shopping (groceries, etc) and all of the shopping for the kids. We do a system where his paycheck (and mine when I am working) is deposited into one central account, then distributed (electronically, automatically) into several different categories. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but we each have a checking account where our "allowance" is deposited 2x per month. So each paycheck we each get the same amount of "fun" money (money for clothes, entertainment, eating out, gas, coffee, etc). Then we have our general account for family expenses like groceries, diapers, preschool tuition, etc. And retirement, savings, investments, etc. But the bottom line is that we each have a certain amount and that is it. We can save if we want (for a bigger item - our hobbies) but we cannot take more. We do not use cash, but neither of us have a "problem". If one of us had no control then we would probably go to cash.

I think you would have more luck by being transparent and having him LEARN something as opposed to hiding money for a big "surprise". What happens when he learns of the money? You think he is just going to admire it and not try to spend it? Doubtful if he hasn't learned anything.

I would personally talk about going to a credit/debit card free lifestyle.

Lissa832 · February 2013

The fact that this is even a consideration tells me you guys have issues. Finances is the number one reason people get divorced. Get on the same page. I would never hide money from my DH, period.

KIR2DS4 · February 2013

arcook0307:
I figured people would call me deceitful but until you've been through what I've been through...it wouldn't make sense to you anyway. I have a child to care for, as do many of you....and another one coming. He completely BLOWS me off. He has an allowance. He has spent that plus another $200 on credit cards and overdrafting accounts....and tries to justify it to me. Then, the next day he will always tell me how good I am for our finances and thanks me for being the saver that I am. I genuinely don't think he will be upset because he knows he has a hard time resisting the urge to buy something. I can't change him. He has to want to change. For now, however, I don't think he needs to know there's an extra bit of money. Once he had blown through all his allowance, credit cards, and emptied another account, he started debiting our billing account.....four times actually. He needs help, I agree but in the meantime....I can't have him spending all his money just because he knows there is a backup. He does not mind sitting at ZERO a week before payday. He goes through periods where he does well but then you never know when he decides he needs to spend $9 at Starbucks or buy a $70 pair of shoes for some special workout he wants to try.... I mean...I'm trying to protect US.

Take away his credit/debit cards. End of story.

KIR2DS4 · February 2013

AFwifelife:
KIR2DS4:
arcook0307:
I figured people would call me deceitful but until you've been through what I've been through...it wouldn't make sense to you anyway. I have a child to care for, as do many of you....and another one coming. He completely BLOWS me off. He has an allowance. He has spent that plus another $200 on credit cards and overdrafting accounts....and tries to justify it to me. Then, the next day he will always tell me how good I am for our finances and thanks me for being the saver that I am. I genuinely don't think he will be upset because he knows he has a hard time resisting the urge to buy something. I can't change him. He has to want to change. For now, however, I don't think he needs to know there's an extra bit of money. Once he had blown through all his allowance, credit cards, and emptied another account, he started debiting our billing account.....four times actually. He needs help, I agree but in the meantime....I can't have him spending all his money just because he knows there is a backup. He does not mind sitting at ZERO a week before payday. He goes through periods where he does well but then you never know when he decides he needs to spend $9 at Starbucks or buy a $70 pair of shoes for some special workout he wants to try.... I mean...I'm trying to protect US.

Take away his credit/debit cards. End of story.
Don't do this. Treating him like a child is not going to fix the problem and most likely drive a wedge in your relationship. PPs have given you great advice already so I just wanted to tell you good luck and I hope you and your husband find a solution that you both agree on.

I wouldn't normally suggest it, but sounds like there is already a wedge there. She's considering opening an account in his name without his knowledge. A cash system is often used by people in the short term to reign in their spending and get back in a budgeting mind-set. Sounds like they've discussed the issue with his spending, which didn't work. Just go all cash, at least for awhile.

HisChamaoleGirl · February 2013

How serious is he about his career? If he takes it seriously I would stress that his financial state can effect him in the long run; especially if he is needing a security clearance.

Ktbug613 · February 2013

arcook0307:
I will say this.....in the last month he himself has proven he is not a man of his word and lacks major integrity and self-control.......He has blown through $400 on caffeine gum, energy drinks, coffee, supplements for working out etc. We had to have our car worked on and that would have covered it. He gives me his word that he "won't do it again" but the next morning I look at our account and he's done it again! So this is a matter of protecting myself quite frankly...
Besides that, I think he will see that this was a good move, not a bad one....when he finds out we don't have to put things on a credit card for the new baby like he already said he was going to do. All his credit cards are MAXED..... because he can't control his spending.
I didn't want to disclose all this but those are the reasons behind why I want to do it.

I still agree with the first few responses on this thread but if this were me I would also set up a budget account where my husband and I decide how much he needs each week/month. I would deposit said amount into *his* account and nothing more and he would not have access to the account with bill money

kyleeduke · February 2013

KIR2DS4:
AFwifelife:
KIR2DS4:
arcook0307:
I figured people would call me deceitful but until you've been through what I've been through...it wouldn't make sense to you anyway. I have a child to care for, as do many of you....and another one coming. He completely BLOWS me off. He has an allowance. He has spent that plus another $200 on credit cards and overdrafting accounts....and tries to justify it to me. Then, the next day he will always tell me how good I am for our finances and thanks me for being the saver that I am. I genuinely don't think he will be upset because he knows he has a hard time resisting the urge to buy something. I can't change him. He has to want to change. For now, however, I don't think he needs to know there's an extra bit of money. Once he had blown through all his allowance, credit cards, and emptied another account, he started debiting our billing account.....four times actually. He needs help, I agree but in the meantime....I can't have him spending all his money just because he knows there is a backup. He does not mind sitting at ZERO a week before payday. He goes through periods where he does well but then you never know when he decides he needs to spend $9 at Starbucks or buy a $70 pair of shoes for some special workout he wants to try.... I mean...I'm trying to protect US.

Take away his credit/debit cards. End of story.
Don't do this. Treating him like a child is not going to fix the problem and most likely drive a wedge in your relationship. PPs have given you great advice already so I just wanted to tell you good luck and I hope you and your husband find a solution that you both agree on.

I wouldn't normally suggest it, but sounds like there is already a wedge there. She's considering opening an account in his name without his knowledge. A cash system is often used by people in the short term to reign in their spending and get back in a budgeting mind-set. Sounds like they've discussed the issue with his spending, which didn't work. Just go all cash, at least for awhile.

I agree with taking away his cards. If he is acting like. Child, them he needs to be treated like one. Maybe try cash and once he spends the cash you agree on then he is done. Bottom line, you need to get your finances in order before you have another baby.

Gismo123 · February 2013

arcook0307:
So I have a general power of attorney at present. I received a refund check in my husbands name for a nice amount from our mortgage lender stating we had an overage in our escrow account.
In short, my husband is a spender and I am a saver. I'd like to surprise him after the new baby comes with how much money I've been able to save since taking over the finances. Is there a way to deposit the money without him knowing? I am thinking it would have to go into an account with his name since the check is in his name. They said I can deposit a check with his name on it into his account but that would defeat the purpose since he would know it was there. I am not allowed to cash it.
We do not have a checking/saving account with the bank that issued the check if that matters...
Do I have any options? I am not trying to be "shady". I just want to save money since we have NO savings whatsoever and are paycheck to paycheck.
Could I open a new account at the bank that issued the check, put his name on the account as an authorized user, and deposit the check that way? That way he wouldn't even know the account existed...

DH and I have a joint account so we can deposit checks with each others names on them without having to sign the back no problem EXCEPT for when the check states it has to have the signature of the person it's issued to. I had gotten a refund check from Scrubby bubbles because one of their products literally blew up the first time I used it and my DH went to put it in our joint savings and they said it HAD to have my signature on the back because of something that was written on the back of the check. I would venture a big mortgage lending company may have the same policy. Don't quote me on that just stating what Navy Federal Credit Union told my husband. So my point is even though you shouldn't hide money from him in the first place, you may not be able to if you have to have him sign the back of it anyway.

raisingchloe · February 2013

I'd tell him about the check, open your own savings acct in your name only, I'd deposit the check into his acct, then transfer it all into your savings acct I'd periodically show him the money safe unspent in your acct.
I can completely understand your situation. Good luck!

Spapeggy · March 2013

Do not ever cash checks sent from your lender!!! We did and it screwed us. Now our damn escrow can't get enough so in 3 years our payment went from 630 to 790! And we have a fixed mortgage rate! Don't do it!! And seriously don't hide money

iluvmytxrgr · March 2013

Unless you want to put the nails in the coffin of your marriage, do not ever emasculate your husband by treating him like a child. That would include taking away his cards.

He honest with him about the check. Open a savings account in both of your names. Deposit the check into the main account and then write a check to the savings account. Tell him about all of it. Go see a financial adviser on post. It's free. Set up a budget. Talk to him about setting financial goals. What do you want to save for? How much a month is he willing to help save? Set limits for spending for BOTH of you. Don't make it about him and his habits. Make it about setting a goal for the family.

It is never ok to hide money from your husband unless your husband is physically abusive and you are trying to find a way out. Other than that, it's deceitful and dishonest.

NikiP81 · March 2013

I would also see if he was willing to attend one of the finance classes offered on post with you. If you are having trouble paying expenses such as fixing the family car because of non-essential purchases it may be time to sit down together and make sure you are on the same page about finances.

Another good resource would be to sit down with a chaplain if you are comfortable doing that or going on one of the strong bonds retreats to find better ways to communicate.

KatieKT · March 2013

If his credit cards are maxed out, you cannot afford to save the money. Pay your debt and get counseling to fix the financial problems that are negatively impacting your marriage. You will both be glad you did.

tate62610 · March 2013

I also do not suggest hiding the check from him. But I strongly recommend you both attend a finance class. The reason I say both is because it might make him feel better about it and not look at it so much as a punishment. You can absolutely destroy your military career by getting yourself buried in credit card debt. They preach that out here in almost every other commercial.

I do think your intentions are sweet, though. They just, unfortunately, may not be viewed that way by him. Good luck with this!

tate62610 · March 2013

Carnation77:
I can't believe you would even consider doing something so deceitful. This kind of thing is why I hate to see Soldiers give their spouses general POA's.

LOL Whoa, calm down. A general POA is usually necessary these days due to deployments. It's okay, I don't think she's trying to take him for all he's got

Hiding money from my husband (for now)

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