Failing vent NMR

myheromyworld89 · February 2013

I don't even know where to begin. My mind is a completely jumbled mess right now. So let me start by saying, that I am completely aware I'm an irrational person who over analyzes every situtation. I find it impossible to just let things go and when I feel like there is a problem I have to fix it. Like I said, completely irrational.

I feel like my marriage is failing. I love my husband, he's a wonderful man and an incredible father. We've been together almost 5 years and married for almost 3 of them. I feel like things are so different now. I know that sounds soo cliche but I can't find any other word to describe it. I feel like we've both become lazy in our marriage. I know that I'm not perfect and I'm sure that I've become lazy in parts of our marriage, but to be totally honest I feel like I am truly trying to keep what passion we once had alive, and while he'll say different, sometimes I don't feel like he really is. I know I'm not an easy person to live with but he's no cake walk either and everytime I bring any of this up it just leads to an argument and him feeling like he can never do anything right and nothing is ever good enough for me. And maybe it's true, maybe it is me. As I sit here and think about it I feel like I'm trying to perfect my marriage, which I know can't be done as no marriage is perfect, but if it's not one thing I'm trying to fix it's another, and my way of trying to fix it is to talk it out with him. Maybe I just need to not pick at everything and start keeping my mouth shut. But it's so hard when I'm thinking how can it be fixed if its not being addressed. It's things like me sending him a text message telling him how much I love him and what he means to me and just getting a standard "I love you too" back, when a couple years ago he would have shown a little more reciprocation. Or (to get a little personal) if I try dirty texting him, he might participate a little but its normally with just pretty generic responses. Which of course inevitably leads to the conversation about whether or not he finds me attractive anymore, to which he of course says he does, but with so little sincerity. And yes I know this is my own insecurity about my new body coming out but I so desperately want him to grab me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm still beautiful to him and thats he's not going anywhere. That he still loves me just as much as he did the day he married me. But it never happens. Instead I end up sitting on the couch alone at midnight venting to all of you, crying because I'm so scared the day is coming when he looks at me and tells me that he doesn't love me like he used to and doesn't want me anymore. He does show me that he loves me, maybe I just need to let go of how it was and let it be what it is now. Maybe nothings wrong I'm just refusing to let anything change (I'm not a change person). I just felt like I was special back then and I don't feel that way now. I'm so lost in my own thoughts right now I can't even think straight. I feel terrified, I feel unattractive, and I feel like I'm driving my husband nuts. I feel like a failure.

I don't really know what I'm looking for in posting this, maybe comfort, maybe a virtual slap in the face, maybe I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere I could see them but FWIW thank you for tolerating my 12am melt down.

BTW sorry for the poor formatting and probably poor grammar.

AmyJoy728 · February 2013

Relationships evolve. He may just feel that he doesn't have to do grand displays of affection anymore. You are right that things will not get fixed if you don't address them, But if you just keep telling him everything that he is doing wrong you could just be driving him away. Could you try to make him a nice meal and not talk abt anything serious or feelings related? Or go out for dinner or coffee or whatever you could get a sitter for. You want to remind yourself and him how things were before life got busy, crazy and twins!

ks3pink · February 2013

We hit a rough patch not long ago and got mil to babysit so we could have a night alone. It was a big help. We spent time together and I finally admitted that I was fighting a bit of ppd. In our case I knew I was the biggest one at fault and I fixed it. If he is really at fault he needs to do the same but you have to be patient and allow him to discover his faults on his own. I know that is hard but keep telling him and showing him how much you care and it will click. And get a sitter so you can be alone!

JocelynB0911 · February 2013

From personal experience, everything changes after kids and one would be naive to think it dosent. After we had DD, things were semi-normal, lack of sleep and me getting comfortable in my post baby body made me never want to have sex. I think it was close to 3 months before I was comfortable on the idea. After DS got here I was bitter as all hell that he didnt stay with me while he was in the hospital for a week even though he was with DD at home. The little things got to me and I called him out on it a lot. We didnt talk more than we had to and forget about showing affection and saying I was beautiful.

It took me sitting him down and asking how we can make us better. I had to do all of this without bringing up the little. petty crap that I didnt like that he did. See if you can get a sitter for a few hours or if someone can take the babies for a weekend so you can get away and not be distracted by the kids. Your husband does love you. If he is anything like mine he wouldnt care if you didnt have your pre baby body back or not.

caden · February 2013

I think it would be helpful to see a local marriage counselor because, from what you posted, this sounds fixable to me. What I got from your post is that the way you're communicating doesn't work with his style. Not that you're wrong, just that it's not the right way in order to achieve what you want to achieve. For example, the texting. That is not my thing and I would respond exactly how your DH did. Not because I don't love my H. Just because it makes me uncomfortable to text like that. I think a marriage therapist could give you some better communication tips that would let you see your H loves you back. In the meantime read that book on the Love Languages. I forget its exact title but it's very popular. GL.

GoMaltby18 · February 2013

If it helps at all, I had doubts about my marriage right around the time both of my boys were somewhere around a year old. I think for me it's a combination of nursing hormones (I was starting to taper off nursing at that point and weaning always makes me really depressed) and just kind of getting into a routine of feed/change diapers/naps/baths etc that made me feel like I was nothing more than a mom and shouldn't there be more to life than this? It lasted a couple of months each time and then things just kind of got better.

Work on yourself a little bit; try to get out more, or read a book, or do something you used to pre-baby that you have given up since you've been caring for them full time all these months. Then buy a new outfit and go out for the night just you and DH or better yet see if you guys can get someone to watch your kids for a whole night while you go out and stay in a hotel and get some actual sleep and alone time. Hopefully things get better soon, but I know how hard it can be.

raraavis28 · February 2013

Just want to send some hugs....this stuff is no fun. Though it's not the exact same situation DH and I have definitely had more issues since the LOs got here...bc we needed more stress right?

Hang in there and ditto PP about counseling; it could go a long way!

Kristi1971 · February 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch, my dear. The 1st year of children is rough on a marriage - period. Never mind two children. I know for me, I personally felt a bit rough about my marriage at times during the 1st year also. Husband works out of state, and I had to carry the entire load for huge chunks of time. I often felt like he didn't help enough when he was home, yet I recognized how hard he works when away, and that he needed recovery too. But I also work full time, so when do I get a break? Anyway, those thoughts certainly put a strain on how I was feeling. I remember worrying about all sorts of different things ( how I looked, did he love me still, and I still as special to him as I was before, and on and on and on).

Let me tell you something, though. Once the girls turned 1 (a month ago), something snapped. I am working on getting "my life" back. The girls are doing great, so I need to concentrate on me. I cleared out the livingroom (moved the changing table to their bedroom), started bathing them in their bathtub upstairs instead of the sink down here, they are eating full-time table food, drinking milk instead of expensive formula, and I started working out regularly. I am feeling so much better about things. I find that I have the time to get house cleaning done again, play with the girls, read to them, etc. Instead of feeling miserable about him being away so much, I look at it as less work for me.

I guess my point is that as rough as things are early on, it will change again. It will get better. Remember one extremely important thing - you cannot control how another person feels or reacts. But you can control yourself, how you act and react. Start with yourself - finding little ways of getting "your life" back. He will follow suite. I noticed my husband did. And it started with me. You can do it.

HUGS

QBall27 · February 2013

It sounds as though this is definitely fixable, worth saving, and probably not even as close to the verge of something terrible as what you may be feeling it is... Our bodies, hearts, and brains go through so much becoming mothers, and I think it can really change our reality -- in so many ways (many amazing, many challenging). You have wonderful things to say about your husband, and it really sounds like he feels the same about you. You're both just trying to work your way through this next transition together -- and individually.

From my experience, I've found that working on some things on my own - or for my own good/benefit - makes me much happier in my marriage. When I take time to read something fun, get some exercise, accomplish a big task that's been on my "to do" list forever, or - more than any of the others - spend quality time with my closest friends, I am a much more balanced, pleasant, and reasonable person. Are there things like this that you can do for yourself? I fully believe in the theory that before we can make others happy or be happy in relationships, we must first be happy with ourselves.

I also think that PP are exactly right when they suggest some quality date time for you & DH. I miss those days desperately, too... We used to have spontaneous, passionate sex so much more frequently; go out and enjoy being with others at parties, bars, events; or go on meaningful dates...and those things happen so rarely anymore. But they're important! Dress up, do your nails, get a hair cut/color - or whatever makes you feel beautiful... And then get out - away from children - and spend quality time together. Don't focus on anything but how great it is to be in the moment with each other.

Thoughts going out to you... Together, you will get through this!

myheromyworld89 · February 2013

Thank you so much ladies for your understanding replies. I agree that right now I need to worry about me a little more and do things that will make me feel happy and beautiful again, and let him follow suit. I really appreciate all your words of encouragement and advice.

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