S/O Judging other parents...

ChristyML · February 2013

A friend of mine posted her 5 month old daughter being fed a strawberry. From what I've heard, it's highly recommended to not feed a baby certain foods (including strawberries) until they are at least a year old. I asked her if her daughter had a reaction at all, and she said "no".

So here's my question: if you see someone doing something potentially dangerous, but not illegal, (such as feeding their less than even 6 month old child a highly allergenic food) do you say something to them? I mean, it's not illegal, nor is it really anyone else's business...right?

ETA: This isn't just about food per say, it's more about the little dangerous but not illegal things. The food thing just made me think about dangerous but not illegal things.

ldcoffel · February 2013

I don't say anything. It's their child, and their choices.

besides, I always assume I don't know the whole story. Like, did she eat a handful of strawberries? Or taste one? 5 months seems pretty young, so I think they probably stuck in her mouth for a little taste. That's not a big deal to me.

AAA024 · February 2013

I've always taken a few things into consideration when it came to my LO. Allergies in my family, his reaction to foods in the same "group" and my own investigating on certain foods. We have berry and egg allergies in my family so I will wait on those until a year, but things such as asparagus and green beans I'm not too worried about not agreeing with LO since he has taken to green veggies well.

I don't side eye what foods someone is feeding their child, within reason, if they are giving pureed meat at 5 months it seems a little early but thats just my opinion. I do raise my eyebrow at someone feeding their 3 month old two meals a day of solids, or not waiting lone enough between new foods to see for allergic reactions.

AAA024 · February 2013

j.d.gal:
different people and even different doctors give different information about feeding foods to babies. we have no food allergies in either family and both my kids had strawberries early - before 8 months, which I think is when they are first recommended from what i have read.
did you know meat is a first food in lots of places, including Canada? our pedi said babies have the ability to digest meat as newborns, but cannot digest cereals (grains) until 4-6 months. and our pedi was really not strict about what foods to introduce when. so, while i think it is wise to be cautious, there are lots of different approaches to feeding that work for different folks. so no, i don't judge those sorts of things.

I didn't know that!! I think it's my own not so fond feelings of meat that make me hesitant to give them to LO.

Minipenguin · February 2013

I didn't know you're supposed to wait until LO is a year old for strawberries. If you can come up with a polite way of bringing it up, I would. Some people may honestly not know.

KateLouise · February 2013

Mrsveinotte:
I wouldn't say anything unless the child was in extreme danger.

This

Everyone has their own approach, where I am strawberries are recommended around 8mths if there is no history of allergies.

Plus you don't always know the whole story. Kind of like if you see someone giving their 2 year old soda. It might be the first time that kid has ever tasted it, or that kid might drink it 5 times a day and have their teeth rotting apart.

ncbelle · February 2013

Well...not strawberries as we didn't wait and the most current research actually suggests that waiting on allergenic foods isn't better.

If it's something life threatening like no car seat...maybe. Depends on the situation. I have approached random people who had newborns in really low unsafe cradle carries in slings before - but not in a "oh my you are going to hurt your baby" but in a "hi, can I help you make your sling more comfortable" way.

Robi1 · February 2013

ncbelle:
Well...not strawberries as we didn't wait and the most current research actually suggests that waiting on allergenic foods isn't better.
If it's something life threatening like no car seat...maybe. Depends on the situation. I have approached random people who had newborns in really low unsafe cradle carries in slings before - but not in a "oh my you are going to hurt your baby" but in a "hi, can I help you make your sling more comfortable" way.

I'm a teacher, and I put kids (2-6) in cars every day. I cringe regularly about the car seats the kids are in, and how they're strapped. Many of the 4-5 year olds don't use a car seat at all, and most 2-3 year olds only use boosters. I've never said anything, though. I might talk to a close friend about it, but I find that most people have made their decisions based on their own convenience and don't really care to change.

tjkdlhb · February 2013

It depends on what it is. If it were something very dangerous, maybe...

BUT. The rules on food allergies have changed recently. Apparently delaying foods has little evidence in research. Delaying some foods is now believed to cause allergies.

We did BLW so we give DD everything we eat except junk food, choking hazards like nuts (but she does have peanut butter spread thinly on toast... we dabbed it on her cheek first, then a small bit on a cheerio) We did wait a little longer for egg whites and peanut butter though. We did those at about 8 months. We started with soft foods but progressed relatively quickly when we saw what she could handle.

pepomntpat · February 2013

j.d.gal:
different people and even different doctors give different information about feeding foods to babies. we have no food allergies in either family and both my kids had strawberries early - before 8 months, which I think is when they are first recommended from what i have read.
did you know meat is a first food in lots of places, including Canada? our pedi said babies have the ability to digest meat as newborns, but cannot digest cereals (grains) until 4-6 months. and our pedi was really not strict about what foods to introduce when. so, while i think it is wise to be cautious, there are lots of different approaches to feeding that work for different folks. so no, i don't judge those sorts of things.

This!

And a risk that something might happen is not the same as dangerous. If I go for a walk a car might skid out of control and hit me while I am walking on the sidewalk. That doesn't mean walking on the sidewalk is dangerous. That's how I look at this kind of situation.

Now if they were driving down the highway with their kid's head sticking out of the car to feel the breeze I'd say something...or more likely call 911. There is a big difference between something that is a risk and something that is actually dangerous or judgment worthy.

nosoup4u · February 2013

AAA024:
j.d.gal:
.
did you know meat is a first food in lots of places, including Canada? our pedi said babies have the ability to digest meat as newborns, but cannot digest cereals (grains) until 4-6 months.
I didn't know that!! I think it's my own not so fond feelings of meat that make me hesitant to give them to LO.

Barely anyone is allergic to meat, so it's a really good first food. Americans are too into grains/carbs, for serious!

OP, I wouldn't say anything. I am sure both of my kids had strawberries before a year. If there's no family history of allergies, it's probably not very risky. Like other people said, unless it's something that is going to directly hurt the kid, meh. Not my place to say something.

tokenhoser · February 2013

We didn't delay any "highly allergenic" foods. We didn't wait 3 days between new foods. Call the food police!

I think "dangerous" is just a way to cloak the judgment to make you feel better. No one will raise their kid exactly how I raise mine but that doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. If I let my kid climb to the top of the playground equipment, maybe it's because I know he can do it, not because I'm closing my eyes to the DANGER. Wink

ChristyML · February 2013

I wasn't talking about just food things. I was talking about everything in general (like my ETA in my OP says).

Thanks ladies for your input!

I remember a while back, even before I was pregnant, I saw an elderly woman driving with what looked like a 4 year old boy on a freeway. The speed limit was 65. He was literally sitting in the dash just goofing off! I tried to get her license plate number so I could call the police, but my husband didn't get why I wanted him to get in the other lane behind her. I motioned at her like "not okay!" and I think I might have gotten her attention, but I was pretty upset that we didn't actually call it in.

Thanks again everyone for the input!

Merried_2008 · February 2013

I would reserve input until I knew more. Since you're asking about little dangers. What's dangerous to me could be totally normal for another mon.

Ex: my friend's kid climbs everything and it makes my heart stop. Things I'm not yet comfortable letting my kid climb. But for her it's totally find and I'd he gets hurt he gets hurt. If I'm watching said child I would not let him do the same things his mother allows because I wouldn't want him falling on my watch.

Does that makes sense?

boogerbearoriginal · February 2013

Ditto other posters, the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology actually recommend NOT delaying solids, even for higher risk individuals. Studies have found no benefit, and in some cases actually higher incidence of allergy, with delaying various solids.Obviously this doesn't pertain to delaying items which are chocking hazards like whole nuts, or honey.

Soooo, in case of a strawberry to a 5m old? I don't really think that's judge worthy at all. We introduced all foods, except honey and chock-ables, before age 1.

If it's a legitimate safety issue, but not illegal, like FF at 12m (technically legal) if it's a good friend I would say something more along the lines of "I read that now they say 2yrs" or something. Not so much "zomgs you are a terrible parent and your baby is going to die!!!" If it was a stranger, I would just let it slide unless it's actually illegal, like if I saw a person letting their kid rid with no carseat, then I'd call police/cps.

cayenne · February 2013

It's weird, as a first time parent I've simultaneously become perhaps a bit more aware (a really soft way of saying judgmental? Sure.) of parenting choices others make, and also much more compassionate and respectful to the autonomy that we all deserve as decision makers for our children.

A distant family friend regularly posts instagrams of her 11 month old with powdered sugar all over his face in what she captions as a "food coma from eating 12 powdered donut holes" and I totally think to myself what an idiot she is. But I seriously don't think I would even say anything 1) if she were in front of me or 2) if we were closer friends. My best friends sleep trained their son using CIO and I have really strong feelings about my role as a mother to help regulate my baby's nervous system (both up and down) ESPECIALLY at night, but my strong feelings are mine and you know what, they felt like sleep training really worked for them.

If you do choose to ever say anything, I think there are ways to word it and frame it very very delicately.

Angela814 · February 2013

Robi1:
ncbelle:
Well...not strawberries as we didn't wait and the most current research actually suggests that waiting on allergenic foods isn't better.
If it's something life threatening like no car seat...maybe.  Depends on the situation.  I have approached random people who had newborns in really low unsafe cradle carries in slings before - but not in a "oh my you are going to hurt your baby" but in a "hi, can I help you make your sling more comfortable" way. 

I'm a teacher, and I put kids (2-6) in cars every day. I cringe regularly about the car seats the kids are in, and how they're strapped. Many of the 4-5 year olds don't use a car seat at all, and most 2-3 year olds only use boosters. I've never said anything, though. I might talk to a close friend about it, but I find that most people have made their decisions based on their own convenience and don't really care to change.  

This is so true. I've had conversations with groups of moms about new car seat safety laws, advances, etc. The majority do not care. They're going to keep doing things their way even if its not safe.

SummerOH · February 2013

Mrsveinotte:
I wouldn't say anything unless the child was in extreme danger.

This. Strawberries aren't a big deal. You don't want to be THAT person.

Also, I freaking love your Daryl siggie. Hysterical and I agree!

happywife2b · February 2013

There is another thread about a similar topic that was posted just a few days ago and sparked interesting discussion.

Edit:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/72160147.aspx

ChristyML · February 2013

happywife2b:
There is another thread about a similar topic that was posted just a few days ago and sparked interesting discussion.
Edit:
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/72160147.aspx

Yeah, that's why I said "Speak Of judging other parents" and asked specifically about something that might be considered dangerous and what people would (or wouldn't) do.

I wonder if I should have put something else as the title, because while I was a bit judgy about my friend on facebook, that wasn't my main goal of the post. Oh well. I got a lot of good answers!

erbear · February 2013

FFS, this is what you're judging??!!

for the record, when I see something truly dangerous, I say something. For example, I noticed at daycare last week that a grandmom dropped her 8 month old off, and he was in a FF infant bucket seat that was just sitting on the seat...not attached by LATCH or seat belt. So I went to the director and asked that she address it. Because it's actually dangerous. What you're saying is...um, not. So no, I would not even think a minute about someone giving a kid a damn strawberry.

thatoneredhead · February 2013

erbear:
FFS, this is what you're judging??!!
for the record, when I see something truly dangerous, I say something. For example, I noticed at daycare last week that a grandmom dropped her 8 month old off, and he was in a FF infant bucket seat that was just sitting on the seat...not attached by LATCH or seat belt. So I went to the director and asked that she address it. Because it's actually dangerous. What you're saying is...um, not. So no, I would not even think a minute about someone giving a kid a damn strawberry.

I know OP said it was just an example... but yeah. It's a flippin strawberry.

Our future kids, nieces, nephews and grandkids are going to have vastly different recommendations than we do now. Our kids are going to roll their eyes at our old-school advice and gossip about our stupid ways on internet forums.

eta- therefore. I dont say anything. Ever. I have 1x when it involved a carseat and real danger... but my friend can give her baby KFC mashed potatoes at 4mos Not my kid.... still gonna judge quietly at my computer screen

laurakaz13 · February 2013

erbear:
FFS, this is what you're judging??!!
for the record, when I see something truly dangerous, I say something. For example, I noticed at daycare last week that a grandmom dropped her 8 month old off, and he was in a FF infant bucket seat that was just sitting on the seat...not attached by LATCH or seat belt. So I went to the director and asked that she address it. Because it's actually dangerous. What you're saying is...um, not. So no, I would not even think a minute about someone giving a kid a damn strawberry.

Yes

ChristyML · February 2013

erbear:
FFS, this is what you're judging??!!
for the record, when I see something truly dangerous, I say something. For example, I noticed at daycare last week that a grandmom dropped her 8 month old off, and he was in a FF infant bucket seat that was just sitting on the seat...not attached by LATCH or seat belt. So I went to the director and asked that she address it. Because it's actually dangerous. What you're saying is...um, not. So no, I would not even think a minute about someone giving a kid a damn strawberry.

I think you need to calm down a little. It was an example. Yeah, I judged the strawberry, but I was always told that strawberries shouldn't be introduced until at least a year old. I also said it was pretty much just an example of something that could be/is dangerous but not illegal.

highlights · February 2013

Absolutely not. Because then you would be my mother who ripped a piece of pulled pork (or something equally as soft and chewable) out of my BLW'ing child's mouth the minute I walked out of the room because he was going to choke on it.

And when I say ripped, I absolutely mean ripped- shoved her finger halfway down his throat and took his plate away. For the record, my DH was sitting right next to him and was basically in shock when she did it.

You don't want people to comment on BLW, bed sharing, baby wearing, etc., don't judge them.

I'd only comment on a situation that required a call to the police (like the freeway example used earlier) and I would probably call the police instead of commenting.

erbear · February 2013

ChristyML:
erbear:
FFS, this is what you're judging??!!
for the record, when I see something truly dangerous, I say something. For example, I noticed at daycare last week that a grandmom dropped her 8 month old off, and he was in a FF infant bucket seat that was just sitting on the seat...not attached by LATCH or seat belt. So I went to the director and asked that she address it. Because it's actually dangerous. What you're saying is...um, not. So no, I would not even think a minute about someone giving a kid a damn strawberry.
I think you need to calm down a little. It was an example. Yeah, I judged the strawberry, but I was always told that strawberries shouldn't be introduced until at least a year old. I also said it was pretty much just an example of something that could be/is dangerous but not illegal.

But it's not dangerous. Not at all. Doctors are recommending that you introduce "high allergen" food earlier now, including peanut butter. You know, just as an example. Do your research before you put your judgey pants on.

tantdylf · February 2013

ldcoffel:
I don't say anything. It's their child, and their choices.
besides, I always assume I don't know the whole story. Like, did she eat a handful of strawberries? Or taste one? 5 months seems pretty young, so I think they probably stuck in her mouth for a little taste. That's not a big deal to me.

Yes

Ms. Lisi · February 2013

I try to think of how I would feel if someone said something to me. If I would be offended, than I won't say anything. It would take a lot for me to say something to someone else about their parenting style just because it differed from mine, though. I fully believe everyone has the right to raise their children the way that they see fit. I co-slept DD, but I dont judge other people for not doing what I did. I don't buy organic foods (Gasp!), and frankly, I don't like it when people tell me that I should. (SIL does this, and it is annoying.)

Want a personalized experience?

S/O Judging other parents...

Re: S/O Judging other parents...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards