Hi Ladies, (sorry it's a little longer than I anticipated)
I've lurked but never posted... but now that I'm back at work I think you all will better understand what I'm going through. Today is day 7 of work - I'm a School Psychologist. E was born Nov 8 and I was able to stay home until Feb 13. I never thought going back to work would be this hard... I'm sure you've all said it. I used to sub for maternity leave coverage for a few years and I never knew just how much of an adjustment this is.
Long story short, I'm having a hard time adjusting. I feel like I can be a good mom (when I'm home and that's all I do) and I can be a good psych (before E and when I don't worry about anything else during the day)... but I just can't be both. My staying home isn't an option due to finances and we have a great daycare. I've even adjusted (some what) to dropping her off and having to wake up early so we're all ready for the day on time.
My problem comes with pumping. It just doesn't work. I'm renting a hospital grade pump, I'm eating the lactation cookies, just started drinking mother's milk tea, and drinking lots of fluids. When I was pumping during leave, it was just in the morning to get out the leftovers after nursing or when someone was giving her a bottle. I never pumped well, except for the morning surplus. Now at work I'm barely getting by. I've already come to terms with needing to supplement her DC bottles with formula but now she's waking up at night frequently and I'm afraid I'm not making enough for her at night and she's hungry.
I'm sure I'm beating myself up and causing more stress which just leads me into a cycle of stress and lack of production. But I'm just frustrated that my body isn't doing what it's supposed to. When I nurse her at home I have plenty of milk, I just can't get it out without her and that's making my being at work even harder to deal with.
Did any of you have pumping problems when returning to work? How do you adjust and actually do your job when all you think about is the clock and when you have to pump, and if you're pumping enough? Ugh, I never thought I'd have this much trouble coming back
Re: FTM hard time adjusting
I think a lot of us have been down that road before. I will be honest and tell you the only thing that really helped was time. Give it time. It took me a few months before I felt like I had a handle on everything and was ok with working.
As for your DD, give it time for her too. It is just as much as an adjustment for her as it is for your. After awhile she will fall into a routine. My DD2 still has nights where she wakes up randomly. Could it be that your DD is going through a growth spurt and that is why she might be waking?
Pumping can be challenging. I always have felt like our dcp overfeeds. Maybe review with your dcp how to bottlefeed a bf baby. Do you make your bottles up beforehand or let your dcp make them up? I always make up bottles, that way I can control how much DD2 is getting instead of letting her potentially using more then what is actually needed. As far as pumping goes...try doing something relaxing while you pump. I find that helps me a lot. I bought a hands free bra so at work I can surf the internet, read a magazine and somtimes I have crocheted or even cross stitched while I pump. Also, at night, before you go to bed could you pump for a few minutes. I don't make enough during the day either, but have a TON of frozen breastmilk b/c I pump before I go to bed and I also pump in the MOTN (which for you right now might not be an option if baby is waking). While I am at work I never think about pumping until it is time to pump. I just put in my calendar when I pump so it sends me a reminder about 5 mintues beforehand so I don't forget.
Good luck with everything.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
HUGE HUGS!!
I could have wrote this post a few months ago in regards to the pumping aspect. I didn't really have a problem returning to work per se. I like my job and I think I am a better mother to M because I work. I just don't have the personality or desire to want to SAH.
BUT..... pumping really kicked my butt those first few months. The reality of the situation is I have never responded that well to the pump and my breasts just don't hold the amount some other womens do. The most I have ever been able to pump first thing in the morning was 4-5oz. At work I was eeking out 3 oz, 3 times a day if I was lucky (with otmeal, fenugreek, loads of water etc.). What saved me was M would sleep for a chunk of 5-6 hrs a night. I started getting up in the MOTN and pumping after 2.5-3 hrs. and that extra 3-4oz. would almost meet her daily needs. I would pump this MOTN session on the weekends also and that extra 10-12oz would cover any shortage during the week. I still maintain this routine at 9 months...and she sleeps longer now so I can often add a second pump after she goes to sleep and before I do.
What really has been mentally and physcially trying though is because I have had such a hard time pumping, when I am not at work I feel like I need to be with M ALL THE TIME....I can't leave her with a sitter, or grandma, or DH and go out for an evening because I need to nurse her to keep my supply up, and definitely not dip into any pumped stash I had.
It has been hard, my work is certainly not the best it has ever been, but I am not failing either. Luckily, my work and project that I am on could withstand my lack of focus and complete attention for the past 5 months or so with no damage.
In some ways nursing has been everything I thought it would be and just as hard, but rewarding. And then in some ways, the things about it I thought would be the easiest like pumping have turned out to be completely different and much harder than I thought it would be. DD is 9 months now and we are powering through. Her demand went down with solids, but so did my supply so we are in the same spot....eeking it out week by week. I take each one as a small victory.
Some days all I can think is 3 more months yay!! and other days especially at night or early morning when I am nursing her in bed, all I can think is wow, this part of our relationship is so awesome I don't want it to end. Hopefully, at a year I can ditch the pump, but keep her nursing for a few more months in the morning and before bed and have the best of both worlds.
So, all this is not much help I am sure. But, hopefully it is helpful to know you are not the only one feeling the way you do. As Mom's we do the best we can. It is never perfect everywhere at the same time and we have to learn to embrace that.
Big hugs!
First of all, I think all of us feel as you do at some point or another (or at all points!). I definitely feel that I am neither the best mom that I could be nor am I close to being the best professor that I could be (not to mention best wife, best friend, best daughter....). And you know what - every so often when these feelings accumulate and get me down I remind myself - noone is best at everything! And you just do your best and your best will just have to be enough. And then you have a glass of wine (after pumping/nursing)
My first week at work the pumping was a complete mess. And then little by little the supply regulated and I started responding to the pump better and I pumped twice a day at work until 7 or 8 months or so and then once a day (occasionally skipping days) until 15 months! And now at 18 months just nurse twice a day.
You're doing everything right so try to relax. I do want to ask how long are you pumping? For me I had to go 30 minutes (would get two letdowns in that period). That was the only way to get the quantity I needed. Also I hope you have a great handsfree bra? Have you played with the suction/frequency? I needed light but fast until letdown and then long and stronger. Are you drinking while pumping?
Last piece of advice - pump on one side while you nurse DC on the other in the morning taking advantage of the letdown (when you have a big supply). Freeze those 2-3 ounces and you'll have an emergency stash which eases anxiety.
And if you must supplement so be it! Sanity is more important and you should feel proud of already having tried so hard!
I didn't read the other posts, so forgive duplicates. First, I've been there and with my first I struggled for what felt like every oz. And you know, what, I had my second and I realized that my body was doing what it needed to do I just didn't realize. My first was a preemie and a peanut, and I generally pumped 3 max 4 oz combined in a session and you know what, that was all she needed. DCP was overfeeding her, but once we got that worked out we were good. It took me having DS who was not a preemie and 9+ lbs to realize this because he is huge and I pumped 5-10 oz with him. So do not stress. If you are really concerned, add a session in the morning or the evening, but I hated pumping so I would rather supplement if needed.
Otherwise, bring a picture or a video when you pump, it will help. Not going to lie though, you may have this issue again later - for me with both kids around 7 months my supply started tanking. At 7/8 months I stopped pumping at work and went to nursing morning/evening only. Worked well for me, but it is not for everyone. GL