I'm a mess (a little long...) — The Bump
Adoption

I'm a mess (a little long...)

Sorry in advance for the long, rambling post...

So we've been talking to an EM since early November- she was really early in the pregnancy then so we didn't really go through the agency much at that point (she found us through their website but contacted us on her own). Things have been going really well and we met in person a few weeks ago so we started talking to the agency more the last few weeks so we could move towards matching (she's due in May). Meanwhile, EF has been really back and forth. He was against the adoption at first (more to spite her, it seems) and then was totally supportive for a couple months and asking questions about the process, about us, etc. Then EM contacted me a couple weeks ago to tell me he was 100% unsupportive again, saying he would just "take her" (the baby). She thinks he's just going to be back and forth up until May and however he feels the day she is born will determine who baby goes home with. Obviously that's not an ideal situation for anyone, but there was really nothing we could do about it.

Then we spoke with our SW at our agency yesterday and they pretty much said they don't want to deal with this match at all because there's too much legal risk (I didn't even know they would do that). The SW thinks it's been hard to get in contact with EM (SW's emails go to junk mail I think b/c they do for me too and EM is extremely busy!). With EF being so up and down about everything, and the fact that there's 30-day revocation in our state that could turn into a contested adoption, they don't want anywhere near this and told us we would have to use a lawyer if we want to complete the adoption. 

 DH was really unhappy about the agency abandoning us, and I get that but it's not something that's even on my radar right now. I just want to figure out what to do with this match. To be honest, we haven't really needed the agency in this situation. It's always been really easy for us to talk to EM and we haven't really needed that intermediary. In fact, any conversations we've had with the agency about her is what has made things awkward. So in a way, I'm totally okay with just using a lawyer instead of the agency.

We are really worried about the risk though, obviously. We've gotten to know her for 3.5 months and we are already attached. We like EM so much and this would really be a perfect match if EF cooperates. And we know that he has been totally supportive in the past and may be again. I just don't want to walk away from this possibly perfect match just because we can't handle the possible heartbreak. But I also can't imagine having the next few months be what the last 2 weeks have been- I've been a complete mess. There's not much point to this post, I guess I just need some advice. And if anyone has experience using a lawyer for a private adoption and info on that would be helpful too. Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

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Re: I'm a mess (a little long...)

  • I am sorry that you are going through this. I can understand the agency's hesitation; but if you feel strongly that it could work, I would contact a lawyer. I used a lawyer in a private adoption. My boys were not newborns, but there was a lot of court time for the TPR. My advice would be to make sure that you got a lawyer who is VERY knowledgeable about adoption and adoption law. My first lawyer (who was an adoption lawyer) really messed me up and put us back 1 1/2 years. My second lawyer was wonderful! If you go in a see the lawyer and they do not tell you up front the risks, I would keep looking. You want someone who will be realistic with you.

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • If you are in MA as your profile states--- you might have incorrect information regarding revocation... Check here: 


    http://www.theadoptionguide.com/files/StateAdoptionLaws.pdf

     

    That said, I can't imagine how frustrating that must be and I think it's really unfortunate that the agency isn't supporting you. Have you gone back through agency paperwork to see if they can terminate their relationship with the PAP's? It seems relatively unconscionable to me. 

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  • After going through what we did, I would honestly walk away.  I know that is hard but it will be harder to see the baby and then have the EF fall in love with the child at birth and you will feel like you just wasted 3 months of waiting.  If they do place and you haven't found another child by then they can always call you.  I am not sure if you are providing financial support in any way, but if it is meant to be they can call you again after he has signed the TPR.  Fathers can usually sign before but since he is the one on the fence that will not happen.  I have never heard of an agency "dropping EM's" and to me that is a HUGE red flag.  Just remember the agency is not emotionally tied into this as you and your DH are, they do have a better perspective and have dealt with lots of EM's.  JMO.  TIFWIW.
    image

    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15


  • image IRR:
    After going through what we did, I would honestly walk away.nbsp; I know that is hard but it will be harder to see the baby and then have the EF fall in love with the child at birth and you will feel like you just wasted 3 months of waiting.nbsp; If they do place and you haven't found another child by then they can always call you.nbsp; I am not sure if you are providing financial support in any way, but if it is meant to be they can call you again after he has signed the TPR.nbsp; Fathers can usually sign before but since he is the one on the fence that will not happen.nbsp; I have never heard of an agency "dropping EM's" and to me that is a HUGE red flag.nbsp; Just remember the agency is not emotionally tied into this as you and your DH are, they do have a better perspective and have dealt with lots of EM's.nbsp; JMO.nbsp; TIFWIW.


    FYI an agency will definitely drop an EM if they think there are issues. My agency did after my failed match because it started to feel like a scam as well as the legal risk that came with it. The agency works for both sides and unfortunately not all EM's are above board.

    OP I can't tell you what to do, but whatever does happen, you will end up with your perfect baby, whether this particular situation works out or not.

    TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption! 

    image


    Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!

    image   
  • image jackieo1309:

    To be honest, we haven't really needed the agency in this situation. It's always been really easy for us to talk to EM and we haven't really needed that intermediary. In fact, any conversations we've had with the agency about her is what has made things awkward. 

    In what way have your conversations with the agency made things awkward with the agency?

    I ask this because it would concern me if the EM often dislikes or gets uncomfortable when you bring up standard practices/policies that the agency typically follows for its cases.  It would be a red flag to me that she isn't comfortable using the agency for some reason, and I'd want to know if that's the case and why.  It makes me wonder if she's not entirely sure about her plan, either, and is just pinning it all on the EF's indecision.

    You are the only one who's talked to her and therefore the best person to gauge how she's really feeling and if she's being completely open and honest about her intentions with you. I urge you to not let yourself be misled, though, because your heart is on the line, and to really try to take a step far enough back so you can evaluate the situation and gain a clear perspective.  Remember, the agency has experience in this area, and they aren't comfortable with this situation for a reason; they have no other reason to walk away from a match that was practically handed to them.  So please make sure you try to reevaluate with an open mind.  Then, listen to your gut.


  • Oh Jackie, I wish this was easier for you. I cant imagine how you are handling it....or how you could handle much more :(

    It concerns me that em cannot be more positive about ef and if he will sign.

    I dont have any advice but I am here to support you. Sending you  lots of t + p. 

    DX AMA + MFI <p>

    After almost 5 years, 7 fresh IVF cycles and a few losses along the way, we are excited to move on to domestic infant adoption!<p>


    [url="http://theglamorousworldofivf.blogspot.com/"]My IVF Blog[/url]<p>

    [url="http://weplanlifehappens.blogspot.com/"]My Adoption Journey[/url]<p>
  • Thanks for the advice/thoughts. Maryoosa- we're in NY, I haven't been able to change part of my profile on TB. EM is very independent and has always been very open with us. I talk/text with her multiple times per week usually so we've gotten a much better sense of what he's like than the agency has. And I know she thinks he has the capability to be supportive since he has shown that before. I'm going to talk to EM tonight and see what she wants to do, but I think we'll probably end up talking to a lawyer about the risks at least before we make any definite decisions to move forward with a private adoption or end things sooner. Thank you again for the help.
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  • Ah Jackie--- I'm in NY too---I get the 30 day TPR thing. I'd love to know what agency you are working with...

     

    Good luck! 

     

     

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  • It sounds like you have had direct contact with the EM...Have you had the same with EF?  If not, it might be worth it to talk with him as well...that could alleviate any fears that he may have...

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