Sorry in advance for the long, rambling post...
So we've been talking to an EM since early November- she was really early in the pregnancy then so we didn't really go through the agency much at that point (she found us through their website but contacted us on her own). Things have been going really well and we met in person a few weeks ago so we started talking to the agency more the last few weeks so we could move towards matching (she's due in May). Meanwhile, EF has been really back and forth. He was against the adoption at first (more to spite her, it seems) and then was totally supportive for a couple months and asking questions about the process, about us, etc. Then EM contacted me a couple weeks ago to tell me he was 100% unsupportive again, saying he would just "take her" (the baby). She thinks he's just going to be back and forth up until May and however he feels the day she is born will determine who baby goes home with. Obviously that's not an ideal situation for anyone, but there was really nothing we could do about it.
Then we spoke with our SW at our agency yesterday and they pretty much said they don't want to deal with this match at all because there's too much legal risk (I didn't even know they would do that). The SW thinks it's been hard to get in contact with EM (SW's emails go to junk mail I think b/c they do for me too and EM is extremely busy!). With EF being so up and down about everything, and the fact that there's 30-day revocation in our state that could turn into a contested adoption, they don't want anywhere near this and told us we would have to use a lawyer if we want to complete the adoption.
DH was really unhappy about the agency abandoning us, and I get that but it's not something that's even on my radar right now. I just want to figure out what to do with this match. To be honest, we haven't really needed the agency in this situation. It's always been really easy for us to talk to EM and we haven't really needed that intermediary. In fact, any conversations we've had with the agency about her is what has made things awkward. So in a way, I'm totally okay with just using a lawyer instead of the agency.
We are really worried about the risk though, obviously. We've gotten to know her for 3.5 months and we are already attached. We like EM so much and this would really be a perfect match if EF cooperates. And we know that he has been totally supportive in the past and may be again. I just don't want to walk away from this possibly perfect match just because we can't handle the possible heartbreak. But I also can't imagine having the next few months be what the last 2 weeks have been- I've been a complete mess. There's not much point to this post, I guess I just need some advice. And if anyone has experience using a lawyer for a private adoption and info on that would be helpful too. Thanks for reading if you got this far