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Toddlers: 24 Months+
grlmom16
member
If you want 2 - but your husband is happy with 1....
grlmom16
member
We have a DD who is 2, and I would love to have a second child. I would be happy with that, and probably get my tubes tied since I'll be having a Section anyway. My husband has always went back and forth, but last night told me out of the blue that he 'doesn't want to go through this again' and that he 'is happy as can be with just one'. I asked if would feel ok not allowing our LO to have a brother or sister and he said 'absolutely'. Of course I was very hurt and a big fight followed with me telling him to leave, yada yada. He slept on the couch and we haven't talked this morning. Anyone else in this situation? Would it be a deal breaker or would you just be thankful with the one child and work to keep your family together even though you want different things? We both come from a family of divorce and never wanted to do that to our children - or child now I guess. Would it be more important to keep the family together with one child rather that split it b/c I want another? I'm thinking it will be, but how do I get over the feelings of longing for that 2nd one and being happy with what I am given?? Thanks for any advice!! 
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Re: If you want 2 - but your husband is happy with 1....
We always wanted about 3 kids when we got married, but since we had DS later than expected, it switched to 2. I always wanted a second and I know in the beginning DH did too, but after a while he started telling me he wasn't sure if he wanted another. I got really upset. I probably brought it up maybe a couple times, and then stopped. Eventually, he decided he did want another one--came out of the blue--and we were lucky enough to conceive very quickly. I'm not saying everyone's husband will change their minds, but it's possible your husband isn't ready and any pressure to have another is stressing him out further.
To me, as much as I wanted a second, divorce was never an option. I love my husband and our life with one child, and wouldn't want to give it up (plus, if the reason is because you want another kid, who is to say you will find someone you want to have a baby with, and be able to have a baby in any sort of "reasonable" time frame?). I was also an only child from divorced parents, which is pretty much the worst of both worlds. :-
I'll also say that after I got pregnant this time, I freaked. I had been wanting the second baby forever, but as soon as it became real, I started to think maybe we SHOULD have just stuck with one. I'm happy and ready for this baby now, but there are a lot of advantages to being one and done, too, that I think you will find if you end up in that boat.
Also let me say I was an only child. My mom and dad split when I was 2 for many reasons. My mom remarried and hoped for more kids, my step dad didn't want more. I always begged for a sibling growing up and swore I would never make my child be an only child.
Fastforward to now and I realize I had a pretty great life that would have been very different with a brother or sister. After I had my one DS, I had my tubes tied because I had such a hard pregnancy that I never wanted to do it again. Now that DS is 3, I would definitely have had more kids had I not tied my tubes. So, people do change their minds, sometimes multiple times.
I think you need to ask yourself if you love DH for who he is or what he can give you.
Maybe he changed his mind all of the sudden because of the attempts at having another LO? I would set my DH down and discuss the last few months of trying, and his frustrations or concerns with having or not having another LO. My DH was adamant on only having one, and we got into many arguements about it. When I sat him down and discussed it, I found out it was b/c he couldn't imagine loving someone as much as he loves DD1, and he was afraid if we tried he couldn't give me what I wanted. We finally welcomed DD2 into our lives, and it's still hard on him trying to figure out sharing the love, especially when DD1 is so playful and DD2 cries ALL the time. So just talk to him about his fears, and really listen, it may open the door for another LO, or it may end up with agreeance of just 1. I totally understand where you are in the situation, and I hope it all works out!
Couldn't agree more.
I think that's a good idea and probably best, but time isn't on our side as far as age. He'll be 39 this year and that's one thing that's freaking him out. I tried to tell him it didn't matter - that age was just a number. I'm 35 and you know what happens when you hit that magical number in OB world. I will always wish he changes his mind I think...and maybe he will. In the meantime I'll lay low for a while and just stop letting it consume my thoughts. It's not fair to any of us. The wound is just still so raw today - so I apologize if I sound all over the place. Feels good to type it out though, I don't have many people to talk to.
I would be devastated if dh said that too!!! I would stay with him of course, but I'd be devastated as I really want 2
I think give him a break - take the pressure off and agree just to discuss it again in a few months time
you likely still have at least a few good years to concieve and pressure isn't going to help anyone at this point
my friend just had her third at 40 (had number 2 at 37 and number one at 35)
I think of it kind of like forcing someone to marry you - you don't REALLY want to force someone into something do you? it just doesn't feel 'right' then
I think a break from ttc pressure may be all he needs... and give you a chance to come to terms with the idea that you may be 1 and done
GL
We're the opposite. My husband wants another one any day, and I'd be perfectly happy at one. I had always wanted more than one, even three or four, so this decision has not come lightly.
We have a really difficult, high needs child and I do the bulk of the work and I'm exhausted. I would be really hurt if my decision to stop at one caused our marriage to be over, honestly. We had talked about having more kids, but it always in a "let's just see how it goes and reevaluate after one" kind of way. I absolutely would not want to be bullied into having a child I didn't really want just to save our marriage. I would love the child, of course, but I can see myself being really resentlful and bitter over it, and that certainly wouldn't be good for my marriage or family.
Give it time. Talk about it without arguing. Why doesn't he want another kid? Money? Time? Love? Work? See if you are able to problem solve with him and come up with a solution to make you both happy. And give it time, things may change. He may feel differently in a year or two.
DH and I always said we would have 3 children.
Then I got pregnant with my DD on our honeymoon.
She was SUCH a high-needs child (couldn't be put down, was colicky/had reflux, very sensitive, etc.) that she exhausted us... on top of also just trying to get used to being husband & wife.
He went from saying "3 kids" to being "one and done." It was HARD for me. I NEVER wanted an only child and by the time DD was 1 I was thinking about #2. Was it a dealbreaker for me? No. Because I thought about if the tables were turned--how upset would I feel if my husband left an otherwise happy marriage just because I didn't want another child?
I prayed, a lot. Either for DH to come around or for acceptance of his feelings on my part. And as DD got older, I noticed a change in DH. Occasionally, he'd say "someday." Or when someone asked him when we'd have another, he'd joke, "When it's been long enough to forget." And for him, that was it... he had to forget the stress, the chaos, etc. that were DD's first 2-3 years of life.
A little after DD's 5th birthday he surprised me by saying he was thinking about another baby, that it wouldn't be so bad, we were ready, etc. DS was born when DD was 6y3m. I never wanted our children so far apart in age, but it is what it is, and I ended up loving it.
DS was a very mellow baby, and as a result, DH is now talking about #3 (and has been for months)...
Only you can decide, but I wanted you to know that ultimately I was able to find happiness (with occasional twinges of wanting another) in DH's "one and done" phase. Him being open/ready for #2 was a pleasant surprise.
Thank you. It's nice to here it works out! We haven't talked about it since Sunday, and I am not going to bring it up for a while. Give it the summer maybe, and see how we both feel in the fall. His job is super stressful right now and I think he is just isn't in the best place - period. I'm hoping this is all it is, but if not and it's just us and DD - then that will just have to be ok, and it will be.