Exes at Birthday Parties??

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Hi ladies,

Let me start my post with a tiny bit of background. DH had a fling with an old high school friend many years ago, which resulted in his first son. His son's mom and him never really formed a relationship beyond physical, therefore I feel like we've never had a "conventional" step parenting/custodial arrangement. That being said, we have always had a very friendly and cordial relationship with her. Fast forward to my son's first birthday. DH felt it was the considerate thing to do to invite her along with my step son to the party. She ended up arriving with my step son over an hour late. Last year at my son's second birthday she took my step son to disneyland, was supposed to return in time for the party, but decided to stay an extra day, so they missed it altogether. This year I have asked my DH if it is really necessary to include her. For some reason including her at all out children's birthday parties for the rest of their childhoods just doesn't sit well with me. I feel this is a special day for our immediate family, and our son is not related to her in any way. My husband would rather not make waves with their awkward situation and feels like it's no big deal. I'm trying not to take this personally and feel like I've always been good at accepting her. I just wanted to hear other women's perspectives, whose emotions aren't clouding the situation. Thanks in advance!! I typed this on my phone, so please excuse any grammatical errors or typos.

DaringMiss · February 2013

If your son's birthday parties fall on non-visitation weekends and the ex will need to bring the child to the party, it would be rude to make her leave the party once she is there.

If you want to avoid the situation, schedule your son's birthday parties on weekends that your step-son is already visiting and she won't need to drive. You can then extend the invite to her, but let's face it, what adult wants to spend hours of their weekend day at a kid's birthday party? She will likely decline.

Karma1969 · February 2013

I wouldn't want her there. It's great to have a nice relationship and your son's brother should be there but she doesn't need to be. That would annoy me, but Im also in a bad mood right now.

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Thanks so much for your response. I fee like I'm being the overly sensitive wife right now. At least that's how DH is making me feel. We don't have any sort of over night custody. It's a strange situation, the two of them delt with nonchalantly early on. There is no set child support, and my DH picks my step son up throughout the week and weekend when we have outings and dinners planned with him. Basically, nothing legally on paper in regards ti visitation or child supprt. So, it would either be my husband picking up my step son, which is the norm, or her being invited. I wouldn't expect her to drop off and leave, and she has actually never dropped him off at our house, even the week nights and weekend days we do spend with him. Do you think these circumstances change the situation at all?

cole2144 · February 2013

DaringMiss:
If your son's birthday parties fall on non-visitation weekends and the ex will need to bring the child to the party, it would be rude to make her leave the party once she is there.
If you want to avoid the situation, schedule your son's birthday parties on weekends that your step-son is already visiting and she won't need to drive. You can then extend the invite to her, but let's face it, what adult wants to spend hours of their weekend day at a kid's birthday party? She will likely decline.

We always schedule big family events during our time with SD unless it is not possible for some reason. This helps to avoid any issues with getting SD there. If it is during your time, then your husband needs to put his foot down and take his time with his child.

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Karma, thanks for your reply. It makes me feel better, even if it is stemming from a bad mood. ; I hope your day gets better.

Sunday924 · February 2013

I wouldn't want her there and I wouldn't have her there.

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Thank you to everyone who responded. I was worried I was being a little overly sensitive and needed to just accept it, but in glad I'm not the only one who would feel the way I do. Thanks again!

Littlejen22 · February 2013

Most people will say not to have her there. I say that if your relationship is good then it will only make SS feel good that he has one big happy family. But I would schedule the parties for your weekend instead of expecting her to give up her time which she clearly is not doing. Then if you want to ask her to stop by you can but you are not depending on her.

Karma1969 · February 2013

If it were the SS Birthday she should be there but when it's the posters bio child I don't see anything wrong with not wanting an ex at the special moments every single time all along the way.

guilletskichuk · February 2013

What you are saying, and I think some PPs are missing, is that you don't have any sort of formal EOWE arrangement or anything. It sounds like visits are random which I can understand as that was the case with us for many years.

I don't think it's necessary for your SS's mom to ever be invited to your DS's birthday parties. You say your SO picks SS up most of the time anyways so I don't see why you can't just arrange to have the party when you are going to have SS for a visit. No reason for his mom to be there. Ever.

Nineoceans · February 2013

Maybe your H doesn't want to rock the boat because he knows he has a pretty cherry deal.

I literally know of no unmarried men with kids in real life who don't pay court ordered child support or have a written custody order which cost them to have established. Sounds like BM is beyond reasonable so I would tend to agree with your Dh and not rock the boat. Why would you do anything at this point to decrease the good will

twister22 · February 2013

As a BM, I wouldn't expect to be invited to the birthday parties for DS's siblings from BD. DS has a sister from BD, and I didn't expect an invite to her 1st birthday. It actually fell during my time, but I let them take DS so he could celebrate with them. Same thing for DS's cousins from BD - DS's aunt wanted DS at events and they fell during my time, but I just dropped DS off and then she dropped him off when the party/get together was over.

I would feel awkward at events for DS's family that are not my family. I think it's weird that BM would even want to stay, even taking into consideration that you guys have a good relationship.

I would put your foot down with DH and let him know that inviting her makes you uncomfortable. You can be friendly without being friends.

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Nineoceans, it didn't mean to misrepresent my husbands financial responsibility toward his son. He pays for many things to benefit his life. We pay for all his extracurricular and school expenses, and well as summer camps and half is his birthday party. My husband changed his job early on in SS's life so he could provide the child care every weekday until SS started school. So, yes he doesn't have a set child support fee, but he does do a fair share of supporting SS. Sorry, I just felt the need to defend our stance. : I think this is just more about social awkwardness then a fear of having to give more money for my SS, bothy husband and I would so that in a heartbeat.

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Twister, I appreciate your perspective. I have felt that it may make her uncomfortable too, and don't want her to come purely out if obligation. Thanks!

Luv2dnce81 · February 2013

Littlejen, thank you for your response. I was thinking the same thing, but the only flip side to that is we normally don't celebrate any holidays or birthdays with my SS's mom. All cousin parties, parties for grandparents, aunts and uncles are all done without inviting SS's mom. So that just added more fuel to my fire, so to speak, if she isn't normally included, what makes our son's birthdays different in my husbands eyes? I was understanding for the first birthday, I thought maybe she would want to see SS with his brother, since he is her only child. But then they flaked the day before my DS's second birthday, which I completely understand her not wanting to come, but not the right example to set for SS about he importance of his brother and of his family. Ok, this has just turned into a vent...I'm sorry. : Thanks again for your response.

fellesferie · February 2013

Luv2dnce81:
Nineoceans, it didn't mean to misrepresent my husbands financial responsibility toward his son. He pays for many things to benefit his life. We pay for all his extracurricular and school expenses, and well as summer camps and half is his birthday party.

Well, right, but there are a lot of people who pay those things on top of a monthly support payment.

Don't get me wrong, I think your set up seems fine. Both you guys and mom seem happy with it, and the child has what he needs.

But I think it's understandable that YH wants to maintain status quo. I also understand your position of not wanting BM there.

I guess the only thing I would add is that as your child gets older, their parties tend to evolve and this may turn into less of an issue. For DS's 6th birthday we all just took him to a local Japanese steakhouse and then did presents & cake later at home. For his 7th, we went to the local kids museum and had a big party with his friends. For his 8th, we went 2 hours south to go tubing in the snow. It woud have been difficult for anyone to 'crash' those parties.

Nineoceans · February 2013

Luv2dance, it's just not the same thing. Most people pay $500-$1000 per month in addition to extra curriculars, medical, vacations etc. I'm just saying I would do anything to maintain the good will you already have. It would be beyond worth it to me to just make sure we didnt have to go down the road of going to court because to be honest what your BM could do and what ours did was say all the extracurriculars were gifts which legally it is and she can get you for back CS. In our case Dh took BM to court when ss was 3 and even though they had been informally sharing custody 50 percent BM got him for $5k in back support. So just tread carefully and know as the informal custodial parent she by far has the upper hand esp if it came to having to go to court

+just+j+ · February 2013

Is your intention to only invite your SS? And tell her she's not invited?

How about your H have a conversation with her about how it's rude to show up late, or commit to come to a birthday party and not show up? And maybe he should point out that as his child, he would like his child to be at his brother's party on time, so can she please try to work on that? Or he'll start making arrangements to pick up his son ONLY for these events to ensure his son can fully participate in his brother's parties.

How about having a polite conversation about expectations rather than just stopping the invites?

Or is society going by the way side and we avoid all confrontations all together because we are so used to texting and emailing instead of actually having REAL conversations with people? I know this may sound snarky, but really... HAVE A CONVERSATION about it with her first before getting ticked off with her and not giving her the opportunity to know what you find acceptable or not. If someone said, "Hey, J...you were late. I'd really like my son to be on time, can you make sure you get him here on time? We'd like you to be here too, but on time." and if they'd ask nicely, I'd respect that, and you bet your buns I'd bust my butt to make sure I didn't let them down again. If you have a cordial relationship, this conversation should not be too hard to have.

wren444 · February 2013

It would make sense if your husband was throwing a birthday party for SS...but not so much with DS. Which makes me wonder - are you invited to SS's birthday parties at his moms? If so, then I think it's a goodwill/balance issue and I would stretch to accommodate. I wouldn't love it either way, but I would try to stretch to accommodate it for your husband. It's not unreasonable to want to cultivate friendliness with an ex that he's on good terms with. There probably aren't many events that would feel appropriate to invite her to...aside from SS' birthday...and I'm guessing she throws that party. I think the issue will probably go away in a couple years as DS gets older...in fact I would plan a small (2-3 kids) sleepover birthday party as soon as DS is old enough - that's the one kind of birthday party kids love and parents don't stay.

Jessys_Girl · March 2013

DaringMiss:
If your son's birthday parties fall on non-visitation weekends and the ex will need to bring the child to the party, it would be rude to make her leave the party once she is there.
If you want to avoid the situation, schedule your son's birthday parties on weekends that your step-son is already visiting and she won't need to drive. You can then extend the invite to her, but let's face it, what adult wants to spend hours of their weekend day at a kid's birthday party? She will likely decline.

This. We have a unique and kind of cool situation. My daughter's birthday is only 3 days away from my Step Son's. So we do a joint party for both of them, and do it on a weekend we already have the Stepkids. Stepson gets a separate party at his mom's house with her family/friends.

Jessys_Girl · March 2013

Luv2dnce81:
Thanks so much for your response. I fee like I'm being the overly sensitive wife right now. At least that's how DH is making me feel. We don't have any sort of over night custody. It's a strange situation, the two of them delt with nonchalantly early on. There is no set child support, and my DH picks my step son up throughout the week and weekend when we have outings and dinners planned with him. Basically, nothing legally on paper in regards ti visitation or child supprt. So, it would either be my husband picking up my step son, which is the norm, or her being invited. I wouldn't expect her to drop off and leave, and she has actually never dropped him off at our house, even the week nights and weekend days we do spend with him. Do you think these circumstances change the situation at all?

Yes, slightly. But is the situation one where your husband could ASK for your stepson to spend the night/weekend? I mean could he present it as "Jake is missing his older brother, we were wondering if we could plan a sleep over this weekend. I'll pick him up Saturday at noon, and we could have him home by sunday at 3." Then, have your party Saturday afternoon. Or whatever. And the Stepson can spend the night, and have some family time with you all.

The fact is that whether your DH and this woman ever had a "true relationship" or just a physical one, doesn't matter. That is still his son, you are still his wife, this is still his brother, you all are his son's FAMILY. And you have the right to set up boundaries and create a "step family" set up, where the son can spend time with you all without her present.

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