Non-existent "dad" now wants visitation(PA)
A little back story for everyone?
I was married to my high school sweetheart. We started dating when we were 15 and married at 23. We had our daughter 3 months after our 1 year anniversary. We should have probably never gotten married and I should have known better bc he was a major user of pain killers for most of our relationship. I always thought ?he?ll change? ?I can make him better? yadda yadda? ?Hi, my name is Evie and I am an enabler!? Ugh ? lesson learned. He got clean and by clean I mean started going to a outpatient rehab that basically just prescribes a different drug to you *suboxon* and it is just as addicting. To my knowledge he is still using this (5 years later). Shortly after our daughter was born I got suspicion that he was having an affair. HE WAS. He lied about it for months, I caught him, he lied again, I caught him again, he lied again and the cycle continues.
(Side note: I am a writer and I am in the middle of writing my story and if you want some more details go here: https://www.eviebagwell.blogspot.com/2011/05/three-little-words_04.html)
I was in the middle of the worst PPD and this just escalated the entire situation.
We separated just 3 days before our 2nd anniversary. We ?tried? several times after that to ?work things out?. Counseling, talking, nothing worked. He is a manipulator and a habitual liar and I ?mommy him? and enable him. We are toxic together, not to mention he moved 3 hours away and is STILL living with the woman (who is 10 years older) he had the affair with. Ohhh.. and I should add they met at the strip club and now both work at one where they live!) I filed for divorce 7 months later. He contested and drug it out as long as he could. The divorce finally went through (by the judge issuing it) 10 months later bc even though my ex contested it he refused to accept or sign any certified letters or even show up at court.
He has not seen nor spoken to his daughter since 8-8-2011. I had taken it upon myself to buy him the necessities for his computer to skype her and offered to drive up on my days off to have him see her and he never accepted or utilized it. I stopped offering. (He had maybe seen her 5 times between 2/2011 and 8/2011 also). When we separated he lived 5 mins away and the house next to his mother (who watched her twice a week while I worked) and he never went to see her then either. He has had her overnight ONCE in her whole life.
I have met someone else and am in an AWESOME relationship. We have another daughter together who is 5 months and my older daughter calls him dad. She knows no different. She has no memories of her ?sperm donor dad?. He is like Santa to her. She knows him from pictures and knows she should like him but has NO CLUE what he is really.
A few months back my ex started saying he was going to file for 50/50 custody ? Hahahahahahaha ? another manipulation to get me to talk to him. He never filed. He then started around thanksgiving saying he wants to talk to her and/or see her. I told him to file for visitations. He never did. I got another message now saying yesterday he just wants to see and talk to her not go to court. WELL TOO BAD! He said it is inhumane for me to want to ?drag our poor daughter through the courts??. She is four, would she even have to go to court is something I don?t know???
He DOES pay support (300/month) and that was an agreed upon amount privately between us bc he begged me to cancel our court date for that the night before it. I should have known better than to do that. He doesn?t like to do things that make him uncomfortable so court would be hell on him. Lol. BRING IT I say.
I should add a few more tid bits. Our daughter is massively allergic to many things. Has gone into anaphylaxis before and he would have no idea how to care for her or even WHAT she is allergic to. He and his gf only hang around strippers and work nights, obviously, and they have multiple exotic snakes in their home (I have friends that are still friends with him on FB so I find things out). She knows NO ONE where he lives 3 hours away and I do not want her in that environment. I know him and he will pull the ?I want to be home with you? card with her if he gets around her to mess with her head and I know he will pull the ?I?m your real dad? card out as well and that will confuse the heck out of her.
Thoughts?
Can we go to court and not have our daughter have to go?
Would you also ask for supervised visits and parenting classes before he can see her?
I could write so much more but I better stop this is getting long!
Re: Non-existent "dad" now wants visitation(PA)
Wow. Talk about bad karma. This is terrible advice and a terrible example to set for your child.
Just for the record I would NEVER do this (ask for back CS). He HAS paid and I am not that kind of person. I am honest and believe in karma. My lawyer signed off on it and it WAS forwarded to the courts so they are aware it has been put into place just aren't enforcing it.
And also, I am not NOT allowing him to talk to her when he asks but I am not offering either. He would email me or FB me and say, "I want to talk to her" but never actually call and attempt to. Not that I would hand the phone over but I have never had to bc he has actually NEVER CALLED.
In PA there is no such thing as "back CS". The date you file for CS is the date CS starts. Not the date the child was born, not the date you separated, or any other date. The date CS is filed in court is the fartherest back you can request. Also during the first establishment of CS, they will take into account that $300 a month they had agreed on. They may recommend a higher or lower amount based on incomes.
Don't listen to his noise. When he takes to you to court and actual files for visitation time is when he'll get it and when you'll be required to give it to him.
Right now if you have no other custody arrangements, in PA it defaults to 50/50 legal custody if the parents were married. Legally, he can take your child out of school and never give her back. BUT the reality of that is rare. And Schools can buy you time until you get ther b/c they just won't release the LO unless he has a ton of paperwork w/ him proving who he is.
And he is her bio father or "real father"...but Daddy is an action verb. Your DH is her daddy.
You should clear it up for her at an age appropriate level.
Also being a stripper is a legal job. There is no court in the world that would take that as a basis to deny custody. As long as they aren't stripping in front of the LO, it's not going to be relavent.
In PA they are two separate courts and orders. You are not required to file for support or for custody if divorced. It was in our best interested at the time NOT to file bc of his craziness at the time and spitefulness. Things got better for a bit and then are back to where they are now.
I guess since you havetnt seen him in a while? You probably dont know his exact condition? Like is he still using RX? I guess what you could say (what I would do if I were in this situation is) tell him when he finishes his rehab and is 100% natural (not on anything) he could have visitation or phone convo etc. And tell him he needs to be tested and clean for atleast 2-3 months (or whatever you think is right) before he can see her.
Im obviously wishing nothing but the best for your daughter and you but you dont know if your current relationship will last forever. Or if he will be a father to her as long as he lives. One day she will have questions. Her father could get his act together for real once he hits rock bottom a dozen times. Sometimes it happens sometimes it doesnt, who knows. But I guess be prepared for it... And if your current BF wants to get married, great! If he wants to adopt your daughter, great! But you do have to leave room for the real father if he gets his act together. You dont have to wait around but you should make room for him in her life if he gets it together.
~ This is my opinion and makes sense in my head, its what I would try to aim to do. Im not saying its best for you..Just my 2cents!
GL
Tough situation. If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer asap and figure out what is the best thing to do. It may be not to rock the boat or it may be jump and start swimming.
You don't want the possibility of him lawyering up and managing to even partial custody. I had a friend who had full custody of her teenage sons since she divorced the father who was abusive and known criminal but when they turned 13 and 15, the father managed to manipulate them into acting out around the court advocate, lying to the court advocate, and managed to get his lawyer to send important documents to her former address instead of the lawyer or her current address to mess around with her. She lost full custody and is now 50/50 with her paying child support to him.
I strongly, strongly would encourage you to get a lawyer and figure out what to do based on their advice before he finally makes good on his threat to file.
Also, I would be clear with the child when she gets older. I know my ex was messed up when he found out that his birth dad was alive when he was 14ish and needed intensive therapy because he was acting out. Also, he wasn't sure what to do when his birth dad and siblings tried to contact him when he was 18. He has a better relationship with his birth family now, but it may have been better if he knew.
Plus, what could happen if he tries to contact your daughter on Facebook when she gets older? Every parent says they won't let their kid have Facebook, but Facebook won't prevent a kid over 13 from having one even if the parents ask for Facebook to shut it down.
I am very honest person & parent and have said on multiple times when she is old enough to handle the truth and know the situation then 100% I will tell her. My mom was the same way with me about my dad when they divorced. I am not raising her to NOT know him, she still sees his mother a few times a month and goes to his aunts for a sleepover (out of state) once every other month. I just have no desire for him to be apart of his life UNTIL he is clean, healthy & not going to mentally mess with her head to get back at me.
Oh and lets take it a step further to explain how much he lies, he photoshopped a plane ticket (he is a graphic designer) to convince his family that he was NOT on a vacation with "the other woman" when I caught them in the airport together getting their suitcases from baggage claim!!! He also told EVERYONE that he had severe liver disease and was dying when we were splitting up to try and get me to stay with him.... and btw he's miraculously better!!
I do have a lawyer and have spoken with her numerous times about him and this situation. I have had the same lawyer since our divorce.
Wow? He doctored a ticket to try and convince people that? He sounds really messed up.
What does your lawyer think of his threats?
Ya, he's special
She thinks he is all talk and really thinks we are fine sitting the way we are. I now haven't heard from him since the 12th. I mainly think he just wants "me" he just wants to talk to "me." Well, that isn't happening. He has said on numerous occasions, "if i can't have you I want nothing to do with her ("our" daughter)" - ugh!