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March 2013 Moms
CBomback
member
telling dad to back off?
CBomback
member
Sorry - this might be a bit long.
We have asked my mom to join us at the delivery of our first child. A few days ago we met with her to discuss what the game plan was going to be for the big day, as in, who is driving, what needs to be packed to go to the hospital, what our expectations are, and that we are going to ask her to leave us alone once the baby comes (our hospital is Baby-Friendly and they encourage a 2-hr alone babymoon following the birth). She was pretty much OK with that, although she did seem disappointed. I explained that she couldn't be there because then my dad and the ILs would have to be there too, and I was not going to be in any mood to share those first moments, and she got it.
However, my dad does not seem to get it. He is a surgeon/professor at the hospital, and he informed us that he plans on being there for the whole delivery, even if he is not in the room with us. I told him, I don't feel comfortable with you in the room, and I'm only allowed 2 people. He said, well, I'm a prof at the hospital, so I can come in and it doesn't count, and I just want to make sure you're being taken care of. I really don't want him meddling. I trust my OB and I don't want anyone stepping on her toes. The he said: I'm going to make sure you get one of the private recovery rooms (usually go first come first serve), do I call the maternity ward, or do I call your OB? I was like, you're not calling anyone! Last thing I need is for the people who I need on my team to think I'm some spoiled brat with an over-involved dad who does NOT get it. Yargh... now I'm so stressed out about what my Dad plans on doing behind my back to "help out". Not to mention, if both of my parents are involved during the birth, then I'm going to have to make allowances for my ILs, and they have a great knack for stressing me out (they're super critical and think they are experts on everything).
I know I just need to call him and tell him to back off, but I also know that this is an ego thing for him, and he's going to feel like I don't think he can help out (he can't anyway - he's an ENT, not an OB!). This is really stressing me out. Anybody else have any success dealing with a parent who wants to be more involved than you want?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: telling dad to back off?
You should be honest with him and let him know you don't want to make your OB uncomfortable, I'm sure he as a Dr doesn't want anyone stepping on his toes.
Also you should tell him that if you open an exception for him you will have to do the same for your ILs and you are not cool with everyone there as if your privacy didn't matter. That you appreciate it and know he only wants to help but everything is going to be fine and he will get a chance to snuggle the baby as soon as you are ready for the grandparents to come in.
I'm sure it will be easier to talk to him than it would be to talk to your ILs, after all he is your father and he should if not understand, respect your wishes.
im sorry your dad's so pushy and im sorry i dont have more advice
i just HAVE to say, as someone that works in the hospital you do not want him "making sure" you get anything. firstly because (especially if OB is not his dept) he can try all he wants but theres no guarantee he'll get you anything. second, all that WILL leave a bad taste in the mouth of any caregivers you have that have to deal with him "behind the scenes" if you will. and i would love to say that their experiences with him wouldnt effect you or your treatment but theres always the chance that it will, even if that just means you might catch a little attitude or rudeness. and you will feel the need to be extra nice just to compensate for him, which is the last thing youll have energy to do while laboring.
when we have "VIP's" on the floor where i work, its MISERABLE and to be honest nurses dread taking care of that patient simply because they feel like they have to walk on eggshells, like they cant just relax and take care of their patients. so please for your own sanity encourage him to JUST DONT. thats the last thing you want to deal with during YOUR birth experience. its a special time for you and DH to enjoy :]
This makes me smile. As a nurse I can honestly say your dad has a typical surgeon's personality. If he decides to go to the powers that be and does get you made VIP... don't worry. Your attitude with your nurse/ob/and staff is what matters.
AND he is wrong, just because he works there does not mean he doesn't count. At the end of the day he is family. If you want him there often times the staff might extend a proffessional courtesy, but it is a courtesy not a right.
Maybe tell him that you trust your ob and staff and if you feel as though your needs are not being met then you will ask him to flex his muscle. But that you chose this hospital because he works there and you trust he wouldn't work at a shotty facility (butter him up, surgeons like that)
If your staff sees uou are not a total pain in the arse then you will be fine. Hang in there!