The ambivalence of heteronormative grandparents
havingaleo
member
So my wife's parents are neither supportive nor unsupportive in general. They came to our wedding, but they didn't bring a gift, had sour looks on their faces the entire time, and made inappropriate comments (including but not limited to "I hope nobody's pregnant," and odd thing to say at a two-lady wedding), and they insisted on referring to it as "your event." They introduce me as my wife's "friend," but they send my birthday gifts, and make me feel welcome at the holidays. I go on vacations with them. They seem genuinely happen to see me, but I am sure they wish I really were just a friend and not their daughter-in-not-law-because-we-live-in-California.
So these are Fox News-watching, upper middle class, folks who have made comments to the effect of, "Every child needs a mother and a father," and they both voted for Prop 8 and Romney...just to provide context. So when we had our NT scan and were getting ready to tell her parents (who will be the biological grandparents since I am the birth mother, but their daughter is the biological mother), we decided to send them an email so that they would have time to process it and then suggested that we talk on the phone in a day or two. We sent a similar email message to my wife's brother and sister-in-law (with whom we have a similar relationship as we do to her parents).
RADIO SILENCE! It's been about a week and nothing, nada, zilch. I didn't expect them to respond in the most supportive way and had thought they would probably ask some ridiculous questions or say something kind of lame like, but we did try to do some modeling behavior for them by using lines like, "And we hope you will share in our happiness, and we look forward to many trips up to grandma and grandpa's house..." and for the email to my wife's brother we mentioned that we were excited that their kids would have their first cousin.
Before we sent the email, we had long discussions about best case, worst case, and most likely case scenario, and this is somewhere closer to worst case than likely case. It's so disappointing. Does anyone else have similar experiences?
PS I am trying to be compassionate because they are older and have rigid beliefs, but I am also kind of mad. I feel like saying, "Get over your politics for a second and try to be supportive about the creation of a new human being in your family."
Re: The ambivalence of heteronormative grandparents
Wow. That is awful. I totally get the family issue: before my wedding, my wife's mother told her she thinks she might be going to hell...yeah, that happened.
Anyway, I would say to follow up with another e-mail to ensure that they received it. If they get your e-mail and respond, and don't mention the baby, well, then you know how they feel. If they don't respond, then maybe you need to move on to telling only people that you know will be excited and supportive. You do not need unsupportive people in this phase of your life!!!
I think you are right about eventually just focusing on the supportive folks. Thank you!
As far as I'm aware they haven't talked about the baby since. We wanted to give her some space and time to process. However, with it being this long, I'm unsure if she will come around anytime soon. Hopefully she will, even if its quite a ways down the road.
I have made it very clear to J that until they get this thing figured out, I will not be going to her parent's for visits. It would be awkward since I'm showing anyway. Also, I'm not ashamed of my family, in fact I'm extremely proud of it, and I will not hide it to make anyone feel better. I plan on being very open about us and the baby. The last thing this child needs is confusion.
Ok, apparently I went on a rant, I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and let you know what we were doing about our particular situation.
*DS 6/28/2013*
I am so sorry you are having this experience. My partner's parents are just coming around to me- and we've been together for 15 years. We are expecting our child in July (domestic infant adoption), and we are less than excited about their lackluster enthusiasm for this prospect. But then, we've always known that this was a possibility with them.
Luckily, my family makes up for it. My mom and dad are thrilled beyond belief at the prospect of the grandbaby.
That said, I'm saddened when I hear about people's parents having poor reactions to their homo kids and subsequent families. If my 78 year old (at the time) Roman Catholic italian grandmother could accept me and my partner, i have no idea why other peoples families cannot get on board. And as queers we should get angry about that stuff rather than being complicit and sitting by and letting our families hurt us again and again.
Wow - so sorry you & your wife are going through this
I just wanted to express my sympathies. When E and I first got married, my parents didn't really know her (they lived on the East Coast and we live in California). Aside from that they weren't keen on our union, for some of the typical reasons. I gave them space, and they gave us space. I didn't reach out a ton, and vice versa. Eventually I think they realized that they would rather have me and that means US in their lives than miss out. We now have a good relationship. I mean its not "cuddly" but then my extended family is not very "cuddly" - but we make up for that in our house.
Take care - we're celebrating with you even if her family is not.
My partner and I have been together almost 9 years. We had a wedding ceremony 5 years ago and my parents did not attend. M's entire family attended and were thrilled. My only family to show up were my younger brother and sister and i come from a massive family. My mom told me flat out it was too much to handle even though M had been around for 4 years. My mom also would not allow me to nor would she tell her side of the family. I was crushed and heart broken.
The following year we attended a ceremony where my mom and several of her peers were begin honored. A peer of hers spoke about her daughter being her inspiration. Her daughter is gay and has a partner. She talked about dealing with this etc. It hit my mom pretty hard.
Shortly after that she told her family whom I hadn't seen in several years as I refused to go to functions without M. They accepted us with welcome arms.
These situations suck but you have to remember its not you but a personal conflict that person is dealing with. For my mom it was the fear of people thinking she had screwed up somewhere with me. Here we are with twin boys that both sides of our family have been ecstatic over. Yes there were a ton of questions about how it was all going to work but in the end has been great.
To this day my mom deeply regrets not attending our wedding. We don't speak about it as I don't want to drudge those feelings back up for her. I have moved on but I am not sure she has. We are once again incredibly close and speak almost daily.
As my 76 year old grandmother told us, when you make a commitment to one person your life choices are now about the two of you and once you add children your choices have to be for your family. Everyone else will either get over it and get on board or sadly they will fade into the background. Basically you have to make the decisions that work best for you not for anyone else.
I know not all outcomes work out perfectly and I am not trying to make excuses for what I think are very petty and hurtful reactions. All you can do is keep trying but also know when you have tried enough as not to hurt your new family the two of you are creating. With our wedding situation I was ready to walk away and distance myself from my parents as I was committed to my relationship with M. Thankfully it didn't come to that.
Again I just want to send hugs as I think the situation sucks!
06/12 - BFP!!!!
Beta #1 15dpo - 256
Beta #2 18dpo - 1097
6wk U/S on 07/02 ~ TWINS!!!
EDD 02/21/13
09/10/12 Found out it's two Boys!!!! Sam and Jake
Jacob and Samuel born 1/29/13 at 36 weeks.
I am sorry for your difficult situation. I am not one to keep my mouth shut (this gets me into trouble on occasion) so I would be the type of person that would call them and confront them about not responding to the email. But you have to handle it the best way that you think.
My wife's dad and step mom are really nice to me, but they are small minded small town people. They refer to us as homosexuals instead of lesbians and don't get why we love women instead of men, but I know they will accept when we have children, but her real mom will never accept any grandchildren unless my wife gives birth to them.
My mother has made ignorant comments to me, like on our wedding day she said "so you are really going to stick with this whole lesbian thing aren't you?" or "could you do me a favor and have children instead of Gayle (my wife) our family is more attractive than hers" really great moment to have with my mother just moments before my wedding. This has caused a lot of hurt feelings and fights between my mother and us. But I have just had to accept that she loves me and my wife, she is just insensitive and abrasive when it comes to expressing her opinion.
Unfortunately I think this is common occurance among the LGBT community. So we make our own families with friends. It still hurts and strikes a nerve, but we are forced to be stronger and create our own support system and families. Best of luck to all of you :-)
it happens.... but a ton will change once the baby is here. So, dont go on whats happening now ( i know that is hard) but all will change once the Baby is born.
our Blog -http://dosbabies.wordpress.com/
Yes, I don't get that either! My mom and my godmother are ecstatic and have told my entire hometown about it--even started knitting blankets and the like, and my mom is 74, old school Catholic who doesn't believe in evolution--same with my godmother. They came to our wedding and celebrated, and even did the flowers. My wife's parents--the ones from whom we haven't heard--well, her dad is an atheist who lost most of his family in the holocaust, and her mom is Catholic.
If they don't get on board with our baby and treat him like the precious treasure he will be, then I don't want to take him around them. Shame is something people learn to have based on how others treat them, and I don't want our son picking up on subtle or not to so subtle cues from my wife's family that make him question himself or us or feel ashamed. I will do my best to keep him in this rainbow bubble that is Los Angeles, until he is a teen.
I'm sorry about your mom. I wonder what she would say if you carried, but the pregnancy was from your wife's embryo, or if you carried, but it was not her biological grandchild. We thought they might be more supportive since it is their bio-grandchild, but since I am carrying it, it's as if I am contaminating their gene pool or something. Or maybe they are upset because it will be more difficult to introduce me as their daughter's "friend" if I am walking around with their grandchild attached to my boob.
I hear you on wanting to protect your child from hatred. My wife and I are thinking about this too--even if it is very difficult. We can put up with a lot from them, but step off the baby, people!
11 weeks! How exciting! Congratulations to you and your wife!!!!!