DE ladies: When did you know it was time to stop trying with OE?

brooklynesque · February 2013

Hi, all. I've been lurking here since the board was started because I think I'm headed toward DE. I just failed my third IVF. None of my cycles has had great results (see siggy) but a new RE has a few ideas for me. My husband wants us to keep trying for a bit with my OE, but I'm really starting to feel that these attempts are futile, I don't want to cry anymore, and I just want a baby already.

For those that tried with their OE first, how and when did you decide enough was enough? Did you feel you had exhausted all reasonable options for your OE, or did you switch over to DE because trying with OE was taking too long or had become too emotionally difficult? (And how did you get your husband onboard if he felt differently?) TIA for any responses.

JM1977 · February 2013

These are great questions! I'll put them on the check-in, and hopefully you will get some helpful responses.

BabyVDM · February 2013

Hi Brooke,

We knew after our 3rd unexplained repeat loss, conceiving naturally. I sought help and request IVF with my OE, but our Dr(s) and I had several say the same thing over the course of a years, let me know that my chances of a take home baby using my OE were slim to none. We even requested a consult from the PGD specialist but he said the same thing.

Still we tried again and again but after the 3rd loss, I came to terms and we started down the DE road. We were just tired of beating our heads against the wall, and it was taking it's toll on me physically and emotionally.

It's no guarantee, but we have had a good experience thus far, and I will find out on Monday if we were successful this time around.

I hope you feel better soon.

MrsT4 · February 2013

First, sending you big (((hugs))), as unfortunately I know firsthand the emotional and financial toll that multiple failed IVF cycles can take on both you and DH. To answer your questions? After 3 failed IVF cycles (with my OE?s) and a total of 6 failed IUI?s, I knew it was time to consider other options, including DE. Cost was certainly an issue for us, as we?re OOP for all of our IVF cycles as well as the emotional aspect of continued failed cycles?coupled with my age (AMA in my early 40?s). A bit of background on me, I have been to a total of 4 different RE?s and the second one I went to was the first to test my AMH. When it came back undetectable, he basically turned me away, saying that DE was my only hope. I was not ready to hear that at that time, especially given the fact that I had never even tried IVF with my own eggs before. That was about 2 years ago and I guess DE were always in the back of my mind. Also, FWIW, even though I was a poor responder (only had 2 to transfer each time), two different embryologists seemed encouraged by my eggs. For my age, they seemed to be of good quality and were not unusually fragmented. That said, I never had a BFP, so I assumed my eggs were just old and crappy...despite "looking good". My husband has always been supportive, so I know I?m lucky in that respect?so no advice to give on that aspect. If anything, my husband is willing to adopt, but I?m just not there yet. All of this said, I still haven?t had a true success with DE (as per my siggy), but I?m hoping at least one or two of my frozen embies will result in my future child/children. Best of luck to you as you consider your options moving forward?.hugs again.

happywifemomofone · February 2013

Big (((hugs)))

We had set a one year time limit on IF treatments (the length of time that we were willing to have an HMO to help pay for treatments). Every embryo that we ever created was 8 cell on day 3 with no fragmentation, that kept our hopes up thinking that if we just kept at it we would eventually be successful. Our second to last cycle with OE was a chemical and that was just awful. After our last cycle, we agreed that we were done. We took a break for about 6 months from all fert treatments. That break allowed us to rationally discuss in which direction we thought we might be able to move forward with without influence of emotional stress or extreme hormones. My husband wasn't sure about DE. I had to be educated myself so that I could educate him. My husband started reviewing profiles so that he could understand what type of information you learned about donors. The more he looked, the more he realized that there are many ladies that resemble my family traits, and any baby that I give birth to will be "our" baby. We decided that having siblings was important to us, and decided not to split a cycle, because we wanted frosties for this possibility. We had to spend some time saving, and change back to HMO (our state covers 4 IVFs but we only did 3). It's been hard to get excited about our upcoming cycle though, because I know that DE is not necessary a guarantee of success-but I do know that it's a much greater chance of success than with my OE. It's a relief in some respects that if I do get PG-I don't think that I have to worry too much about a high risk of mc in first tri.

Strunella · February 2013

I'm so sorry for your recent failed cycle. While I have never done IVF, we had 2 devastating miscarriages last year (three overall) and frankly, we just can't go through that any more. Because the losses were most likely due to my age, I don't even see the point of attempting an IVF cycle with my OE (and I'm saying that even though I have insurance coverage and could likely do a cycle or two for "free."). So, while we technically have not exhausted all of our options with my OE, I'm at the point where I just want a successful outcome and don't want to waste any more time.

DH has been onboard since the beginning. Our circumstances are a little different though, as DH is adopted and obviously has no genetic connection to his family. And of course, we have DS. Having said that, my hope for adding a second child to our family is greater than my desire for the genetic connection. We had also seriously looked into adoption, so our desire for a baby really trumps the genetic connection aspect.

jcath · February 2013

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time.

I also moved to DE very early. I have two older biological children from my first marriage and was able to get pregnant on my own when my dh and I got remarried but had a loss at 18 weeks. We moved onto fertility treatments - did 1 IVF with my OE and PGD testing that showed all my embryos were abnormal.

I moved straight to DE at that point. My RE was willing to try again and all my diagnostic testing was good - I produce lots of eggs, but I'm out of pocket for infertility and was so tired of it all, and producing someone with my DNA wasn't my goal. We looked into adoption but honestly figured our chances were better with DE and DH was interested in having a biological connection.

JM1977 · February 2013

OK it looks like you got some great answers before I even had a chance to post the check-in, so I won't re-ask the questions.

brooklynesque · February 2013

Thanks for your responses, ladies.

AmCheri · February 2013

Making the decision was not easy and it took time -- lots of reflection.

We started with IVF shortly after I had turned 35. Our first cycle was canceled due to poor response. You don't start IVF and foresee that result. It was devastating. We tried again with EPP and I had a better response. Got a BFP, endured beta hell, hCG wouldn't fall, had methotrexate and a long drawn out m/c only to find out two months later that it was an incomplete miscarriage and so I had to have a D&C. The m/c was hell on earth, but we regrouped and tried a third time. Again, cancelled cycle due to poor response on max stims.

Then came our heart-to-heart with our RE. He strongly advised us to stop trying with my OE, though he was willing to try again with testosterone priming which I had been pushing. The turning point was finding an article about DOR with numbers that told a frightening story. We were at well over a 70% chance of another m/c and at a statistically significant higher chance of trisomy. That was all we needed to know. So the road with my OE ended. We couldn't fathom enduring another loss or creating a situation that was otherwise avoidable. I was tired and I had lost me in the process. And we deserved to find peace and happiness again, with or without a baby.

My husband was always supportive of moving to DE, so I was fortunate in that regard. When you feel that you've given it your all and that you can't take the heartbreak another day, it's ok to move on. Your husband, while likely totally well intentioned, has to support and encourage you in this new pursuit. You might consider seeing an IF therapist who specializes in third-party reproduction. You and YH could go together. I've been seeing such a therapist since our m/c last year and it's made a world of difference to help in the DE transition. Hugs.

DE ladies: When did you know it was time to stop trying with OE?

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