Family issues: my mom blew up at me

mightmom13 · February 2013

I need some input very badly, long story short: DD and I live with my mom and dad. I discussed the appointment with my mother tonight as my dad called her and told her what I had briefly told him and was met with strong opposition, told "do not give S a label" harshly, that I am looking for a label for DD and that I "enjoy" DD getting therapyand "it makes me (my mom) sick." I was told she needed space, to move DDs things downstairs and have her therapy downstairs from now on as well. The TV is upstairs which is what my mom does. I calmly called my father who is OOT and asked if he shared, expressed, or had any of these concerns or concerns about me raising DD and he said no to all. However, he said he belives my mother and I need counseling and I need to talk to a professional third party about my concerns about my mom/her invovlment with DD since he is not either of those. I asked my friend, DD's godmother the same questions as she is a teacher and removed from the situation and can be objective - she said she would do the same as a first time mom and worry the same. I stayed downstairs with DD last night, kept her downstairs until my mom left for work in the am (I have today off), was planning to make arrangements for DD to get an extra daycare day on Friday during work - but we are getting a big storm, and I have DD's godmother less than 2 hours away who is willing to let us take a break there this weekend (yet the storm again). I fear it might be extra hard for DD in this tense situation while things are hammered out. I got this 180 email this am: "I just do not want to hear that DD has autism or MAYBE has autism. You are her mother. The problem is I am YOUR mother and it is difficult to turn that 'tell you what I think you should do' switch off. You'll find out when you are older.This is your home and DD's home. Upstairs and downstairs. Feel free to use it however it makes you comfortable. Just keep the upstairs picked up and clean. We are having company for dinner Saturday...... if they say yes. I need to call them today. Of course you and DD too.I'm off to work. We'll talk later. I am maxed out this week......(personal details she put in) which makes my life difficult." I need some input for me and DD please in inturim. DD flipped out this morning during PT - the 30+ years experience therapist with specturm experience didn't know how to respond at times it was so bad. SLP is this afternoon and we will get the OT info then too. PT brought me "The out of sync child" book this morning. Auntie - sorry I didn't answer more quetions yesterday - I wrote a long response and lost it all.

smllnuggett · February 2013

Idk if it'll help. I was on Autism Speaks website today n found paper title 10 things your child wished you knew. I would share that with ur mom. U guys also might look into counseling though. Maybe she sees it as a failure on her part somehow.

mightmom13 · February 2013

-auntie-:
I'm sorry it didn't go well.

It could be that your mom is struggling with this. For many older adults (like me, LOL) who went to school in the days before IDEA and inclusion "special education" was a place, rather than a service, where they kept those kids who had "labels". She may only be able to process the notion of disability in terms of intellecutal or physical impairment and not believe in other kinds of challenges. She may have this sense that her label will isolate her from the mainstream experience rather than help her obtain the services she needs to be successful there. And because she has more experience in life and sees herself as the mother/authority, she is going to assume her opinions on this carry more weight than yours.

But the email from your mom makes it seem like she is open to a dialog. Is there anyway you can bring her into the loop on some therapy visits? It might help her to buy in if she hears it from an expert. It would also be useful if she heard from a professional that her DD is a great mom who is doing all the right things for her granddaughter.

Thanks.

I think you are right about the mis-conseption of now v. 25 years ago. They were worried about me being put in the system apparently, which I wasn't but people warned against. Attempted this explination to no avail. She may say she is open but she can make the first move - I am too tired and keeping my composure has been tough anyhow.

I was given the end of therapy homework tip by the doc; but again like your dad that would require talking about it and I don't think she is there yet. Luckily I was reassured my my moms group this morning that the local county autism support group would welcome me with open arms even without a dx as they know the founder and some members.

DD had such a rough day today - luckily the therapists saw her at her worst and could give good input and observation for the companies OT. They also welcomed me to their library if I ever need it.

pastalady · February 2013

Just wanted to say I'm sorry and my mom does not accept autism as well. My mom thinks it's a made up diagnosis for lazy parents. She also thinks if I accept any tax benefits, disability benefits for DD the systme will put her in a group home.

My only advice is for you to really try to get into a place of your own. You need a seperation from people who don't support you and your DD right now.

mommytoconnor · February 2013

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this at this very challenging time. My mom and I also share a home, which can be challenging at times. I adopted my son from foster care as a single parent, which she totally supported. My son has SPD, specialists don't believe he has autism at this point, he is only 2 1/2 yrs old. Since my son's diagnosis of SPD, he has had OT and ST as well as devel peds appts, etc. I have brought my mom to every single appt, and she willingly goes. She knows that since she is such a huge part of his life, and she watches him sometimes when I work, that she would need to hear from the experts what I am hearing and we can collaborate together. Now sometimes she interprets things differently, but I am his mother and what I say goes. I know this is hard, I had an issue a few months ago with my mom and I sat her down and we yelled and screamed and cried, but I put it all out there on the table and told her that if she were not 100% on board with my decisions with my son and how I am raising him, then she needed to leave, and that I was not going to struggle with her, she raised her kid now let me raise mine. I am a strong advocate for my child and I call the shots. I have never had a knock out talk like that with my mom. However, it did make things better. I have decided that if I have anymore issues I too will seek out therapy for the two of us to help us communicate. It does no one, especially your child, no good if you too are at odds with each other. I am sending you hugs, I know it's a difficult position you are in and I hope things get better. Oh and by the way, The Out of Sync Child is a great book, I made my mom read it as well.

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