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August 2011 Moms
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MrsCase!!!!!

NotSharknadoNotSharknado member
in August 2011 Moms
Hi, I read your response and I'm interested what your thoughts were. I'm open to all perspectives. No flames from me. I'm open minded.
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Re: MrsCase!!!!!

  • MrsCase1MrsCase1 member
    OK, I fully intend to respond to this but I am working from home for a client and Lincoln has already been boob-tubing for an hour so I will have to come back after 8 CST to respond. 
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  • MrsCase1MrsCase1 member

    Well, let me just start by saying that there is no excuse to mistreat your spouse. Unacceptable is unacceptable. I am glad he apologized because I feel you were deserving of an apology. 

    Maybe I was reading too much between the lines, but it seems there has been some pain and/or frustration for a little bit now. That always, always scares me. I do recall you stating something to the effect that you were afraid this last week's episodes might be what threw you off a cliff you couldn't climb back up in your marriage. So, that's what really sent my internal alarms off.

    I am not trying to excuse his behavior or dignify inapropriate behavior. Please don't misunderstand.

    However, and this is no disrespect to the male species, but men are simply not as strong as women in certain respects. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but it has been my experience that women have a particular grit to them. It is what makes us capable of mothering (which, to me, has nothing to do with excellent fathering, to be clear.)

    Anyway, you guys have had A LOT on your plate. D maybe/possibly being on the spectrum, S being a toddler,  the issue with his paycheck a few weeks ago, losing the business he worked so hard for, etc. 

    Like everyone else, I had the natural instinct to "tell him about himself" and "read him the riot act." And I DEFINITELY agree that some communication is needed. But....

    I also feel like, to get mad is easier than extending grace. And I think at the end of the day, our spouses know our weaknesses more intimately than anyone else. If he is suffering or otherwise struggling, you know it. And who better to extend him grace and help him sort through the problem, rather than focus on the symptom of the problem (him acting a fool) than his wife? You guys have lived a lot of life together, you've built a family and you have a vested interest in the success of this family.  Now that he has made amends, I think it is a more productive time to broach the subject with him. When everything is heated, it is MUCH easier to react in anger. That, to me, is when people start heading down that slippery slope you (and myself, and I think everyone who is married) fear. Sometimes WHAT you say is equally as important as HOW and WHEN you say it. I am learning to bite my own tongue until more productive/opportune moments arise. 

    This is not to say be a pushover, or never address it. And as you prophesied, he did apologize and attempt amends in his own way. This is good! I just think that extending grace and love when it is difficult, is important. I think a lot of people divorce and whatnot because marriage is hard and it takes work. (Not you, specifically, just in general.) And please, I am NOT judging you, as I have raged, complained, whined, nagged and worse more times than I can count. Exercising restraint and trying to treat my husband the way I want to be treated is probably going to be a lifelong endeavor. But I think it is worth it.

    You're a good, loving wife. I have confidence you can extend grace to him. Nobody knows him better.  

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  • NotSharknadoNotSharknado member
    You know, I agree with you. Here's the thing, I've supported him with the risks he took with our business which put us in financial ruins. I've never said, look what you did to us, never complained and told him over and over I support him no matter what. Now that there is a huge burden lifted off of his shoulders I feel like it's my time to receive the support. I'm all for extending grace to him and anyone else who needs it. BUT, I feel as if he hung me out to dry. The issues with Ds, I'm alone on. He has yet to go to any meetings. I wouldn't be surprised if the school just assumed I was a single parent. Having a toddler on top of our other problems are tough, but again, I'm on my own. He can't even man up a bit to make it through her well check ups without leaving the room because her screaming is bothering him. A person can only give and give without the return support for so long. Tonight was an awesome gesture. But who knows, will it last? If you ask me, he's got a lot of growing and making up to do. I deserve that same support that I gave for years. There's two people in a marriage and wether man or women, we all deserve respect.
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  • MrsCase1MrsCase1 member
    I agree with you 1000%! You need support unconditionally as well. No argument from me! He really, really needs to step it up. 
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