I feel like an A** Hole...

MonroesMisfit · February 2013

So I am going to go ahead and say it now before I get to the goods...but I feel like an utter Ass!

My step brother and his wife had a baby about 9 months ago (a birth control baby at that) and maybe it was me dealing with infertility but I took it really hard. Right before we got pregnant I finally was to the point where I was OK around their baby (I know its pretty pathetic but it took a while)...

They are struggling with money just because of past debt they have to pay off, AND just bought a car. Well she texts me this morning and tells me that she is 5 1/2 weeks along and that if all goes planned our babies will be 5 weeks apart.

Cue me feeling like an A Hole because I am not really excited. Maybe it was the infertility in me that made me upset? Maybe its that I am afraid her pregnancy will overshadow mine with my parents? I don't really KNOW why I am upset...but I cried. I feel like now that I am brewing a baby of my own that I lost the right to get upset.

I just think it upset me when we wanted this baby for so long and it is such a big deal for us...and she so easily goes and has babies. Especially when they complain how tight things are...

I feel like if it was any other person that they would be excited that their babies will be so close! Maybe I will eventually get excited who knows.

*vent over* Promise!

diablesse · February 2013

I'm betting you will eventually get excited. You'll have someone to share everything with.

Just this morning I was wishing I had someone nearby that I could go bra shopping with. No one else wants to deal with and hear about our every mundane pregnancy symptom but other pregnant ladies.

Her getting knocked up all the time has nothing to do with your baby. And frankly, I wouldn't be jealous of someone who is having trouble financially and now has another mouth to feed. You should be pitying the poor woman - I bet they didn't want another so soon. You did say she was on birth control previously?

Tally879 · February 2013

I would chalk this one up to hormones. I'd probably get pissy too, I'd vent to H and us, but don't bring this up with others, you'll probably get some side eye. Sorry you're feeling crappy, just focus on your growing wonderful baby and it will be nice that your child will have someone close in age at family events.

magdalina.h · February 2013

I have not struggled with infertility, but having a loss it's a similar feeling. I get that feeling too especially when it's someone that can't afford it. I know it's not my place to judge, but secretly I do. The feeling doesn't last long, but I get it.

csspencer · February 2013

Ok, so I was the first one pregnant out of my close friend. Then I had a loss, and 4 weeks later, my BFF calls and tells me she's pregnant. Cue tears, screaming (not at friend), cussing (again, not at friend), self pity, and eventually excitement. She had the baby in November, I was at the hospital, and I love that little guy like I never thought I would. Then I got pregnant again, and had another loss, and we were told we couldn't try again for 6 months because of everything that happened during the loss. Another close friend of mine calls me 2 days after what should have been my EDD for the first pregnancy and tells me she's pregnant. Cue more tears, screaming, cussing and self pity. Eventually I got excited, and she's currently in labor (4 weeks early) with her son, and I can not wait to meet him. Now I'm pregnant again, you would think the jealousy of other's getting pregnant wouldn't be an issue. Well 2 or 3 weeks ago, another close friend tells me she's pregnant, and I find out she's due exactly a month before my EDD. This time, while there wasn't screaming, and cussing, there were still tears and self pity, I'm slowly getting excited. I've figured out that my jealousy is because it's so easy for them, pregnancy for my friends equals babies, while for me, it hasn't.

So, the jist of above, it's perfectly normal to be upset, jealous, not excited when others seem to easily get pregnant, while for you it was a struggle. You are not an a**hole, you are human.

MonroesMisfit · February 2013

diablesse:
I'm betting you will eventually get excited. You'll have someone to share everything with.

Just this morning I was wishing I had someone nearby that I could go bra shopping with. No one else wants to deal with and hear about our every mundane pregnancy symptom but other pregnant ladies.

Her getting knocked up all the time has nothing to do with your baby. And frankly, I wouldn't be jealous of someone who is having trouble financially and now has another mouth to feed. You should be pitying the poor woman - I bet they didn't want another so soon. You did say she was on birth control previously?

Her first child she says was on birth control when it happened...I DO feel sorry for her as far as finances are concerned, and I have a feeling this one was planned just because she had been talking recently of them having another. I know I will get over it eventually and it WILL be nice to have someone share the journey with!

MonroesMisfit · February 2013

Tally879:
I would chalk this one up to hormones. I'd probably get pissy too, I'd vent to H and us, but don't bring this up with others, you'll probably get some side eye. Sorry you're feeling crappy, just focus on your growing wonderful baby and it will be nice that your child will have someone close in age at family events.

Oh I am sure my hormones are to blame (damn you hormones)...and the only one I told was Hubby and thankfully he understands. I know people would think I was a bittter pregnant woman if I made mention so my lips are sealed! [except you guys of course ]

GoyaBean913 · February 2013

Hormones or not i wouldnt beat yourself up. We all know what we're "supposed to feel" but realisticcally these things just hurt sometimes. I know how you feel. While me and h were trying for a few months my best friend ends up getting pregnant. I found out on fb.... my best friend! She gets pregnant with a guy that has no intentions of.being serious with her who has 7 kids by 7 different women. On top of that my friend had been saying for yrs that she had no interest in having more kids and complained the whole pregnancy about it. It took me some months but i did get over it. Not without shutting her up a couple of times. Eventually ull b happy but for now, just focus all your attention on your little bean and make sure none of YOUR excitement gets over shadowed. :

illybean · February 2013

I understand and feel the same way. I know I am A** Hole too for these comments.....

We haven't told anyone (well almost) in our family yet since I am STILL waiting for my doc appt on the 28th. (Doctor strict policy for 10 weeks). My sister called to tell me I was going to be an aunt again in Sept. so I had to tell her that she was going to be one as well. She was like oh that's exciting......

To take a step back....my sister also announced her 1st pregnancy the day after we announced our wedding date. We were getting married Sept. 17th and she was due on Sept. 8th. So we went through a lot with that and trying to balance things at the same time. My bridal shower was overshowered by her being pregnant. She decided not to be in my wedding because of it. Wedding/reception was a chance for the family to meet the new baby.

So I understand where you are coming from. I am very excited for my sister and excited for my new neice/nephew but its still a hard pill to swallow. And will be hard telling everyone as well right after she has told everyon.

daileym · February 2013

Infertility and miscarriages, to me, are emotional torture. Most people don't know you are going through it and it consumes your mind. I think it is normal to have feelings of jealousy and I think they will fade the farther into a healthy pregnancy we get. I hope!

kaelarose13 · February 2013

I can really relate to how you're feeling with the exception of not having the additional stress/sadness of previous infertility problems. With my first, my in laws have been excited to become grandparents and talked with us about it for years (not really pressuring, but more suggesting we get moving because they were so excited). We got pregnant easily and literally right before we announced, we learned that his totally irresponsible younger sister (my SIL) was pregnant. She wasn't even with the child's father and thus had to quit her part time job (at Walmart) and move in with her parents. She wined and complained about every single pregnancy and parenting related issue and now my in laws basically parent her son. I felt so slighted and resentful of her and yet at the same time felt guilty about my feelings (because really I was getting everything I always wanted). I just tried to remind myself that becoming a parent was first and foremost about my husband and I and the choices we make. Sure, I wish his parents had the opportunity to focus on our sweet little family more and have more of a grandparent role rather than a parent role, but it wasn't in the cards.

My suggestion is to own your feelings and find someone who you can talk to about them when you get frusterated. As long as you're not treating anyone poorly, I think you're justified and once your sweet little babe gets here those other factors will honestly matter so much less

Angelbaby117 · February 2013

Coming from the other "side" of this and not having infertility problems, I still feel that you are entitled to feel this way. You feel this way for a reason and that is ok. We got pregnant not even trying, and so far things have gone smoothly. We are not in debt (besides our house) and are ready, but I am hesitant to flaunt my pregnancy or share it with women I know who are having the most difficult time getting pregnant. I am sensitive to their feelings and try to be understanding of their situations. I imagine that going through losses or that negative pregnancy test every month can tear a person apart. Having the smallest amount of hope can be powerful and when your dreams are shattered there is a part of that person that can never really be fulfilled. I know how that is because of something else, but never feel guilty for having certain feelings. You work through them and deal with them and nobody has to know what you are feeling, but sometimes sharing them helps you feel better and that is ok. I was taught that you can think and feel any way you want because our minds are tricky beasts. It's when we act on those feelings or thoughts is when it becomes "wrong". I hope you find some peace with this situation eventually, but don't push your feelings aside because that won't help you heal.

LnR70707 · February 2013

I completely get where you are coming from, and honestly, infertility aside I wouldn't expect you to be immediately excited for someone's very poor decision/mistake. Down the road it will be great for your LO to have a cousin that close in age, but I'm pretty sure anyone can sympathize with the fact that you'll have a huge pile of drama trailing 5 weeks behind you for the next 9 months.

MoofyKitten · February 2013

I completely relate with this. Firstly, because I was trying to get pregnant and so many other people around me were just getting "surprised" by it, it made me resentful almost. My fiance's family is huge and almost everyone in that family has children but at the moment no one is really expecting except for me so I feel like it's really my time to shine and get the attention. I just know that if someone else were to get pregnant though, I would kinda feel like they were stealing my limelight, which is kinda selfish. But I've also felt this way before when I announced my engagement and almost exactly one month after, one of my old friends announced her engagement and I felt like I lost a lot of my thunder.

But in your case, I can understand your feelings. They easily get pregnant and they are already having a hard time getting by. It feels almost unfair and irresponsible of them.

dalia1584 · February 2013

I feel you!!! When I was pregnant with my dd my little sister was pregnant as well. Our kids ened up being born 2 days apart. While its great they will grow up close, my daughter is always over shadows by her son. She was a teenager and her and the father are no longer together so he doesn't have much. They live with my parents with her new "winner" husband. And now that I have anounced she calls me every week to tell me she thinks she is pregnant. For my own selfish reasons I would rather her not be or at least wait until I deliver. Last time anytime we bought anything to prepare for the baby and at the baby shower, maternity pics everything I did to prepare all I heard is how well your sister won't have that or can't do that. Your poor sister. Her baby won't have new stuff. Well I waited until I was married and settled to have a child!!! I spent my entire pregnancy feeling guilty and like I couldn't share anything exciting with my family. I just want to enjoy this one

JLMcWeeney · February 2013

I am the same way!! The girl that was hired at my work hid her pregnancy before she got hired. She is who is replacing me when I leave to be a sthm. She is further along than me, and for some reason it pisses me off that she is even pregnant. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I Have too many hormones right now.

ejs207 · February 2013

If you said any of this to her, you'd be an A**hole.

Thinking it only makes you a normal, hormonely crazed pregnant lady!

Soph13F · February 2013

I understand how you feel. I tried for a long time to get pregnant with #1 and 2 weeks after I found out, my sister was pregnant. I wish she would have given us more time inbetween babies, because she's such an attention hog. She got a positive OPK 2 days after I told her we were pregnant, so she tried her hardest to do the deed as much as possible to conceive close to us. My entire pregnancy was overshadowed by her. I do not like being the center of attention by any means, but everything ended up being about her. I'd have a craving, and all the sudden she'd have the same. I'd feel the baby, and she'd think I was lying because she didn't yet. So on and so forth, it got old, fast! Now I'm pregnant again with a surprised pregnancy. Guess who all the sudden just got pregnant after saying there is no way she'd want another one yet, and would try in another year!?!?! It gets old, but I'm going to try my hardest not to let her ruin this pregnancy for me.

JLMcWeeney · February 2013

This is exactly how I feel. So dumb I think sometimes. At least I'm not the only one. Lol

kat81again2 · February 2013

I think it is normal and I hope (and think) that you will eventually be excited. I think it would be awesome to go through a pregnancy with a friend/family member. A co-worker of mine is 10 weeks ahead of me so I can't wait to tell her that I'm pregnant (once we announce) so we can go on this journey together.

This time around it took us 4 tries (which is pretty quick), but we had waited an additional 4 months before we WANTED to try in order to wait for my leave policy to kick in at my new job. So it "felt" like it took 8 months to get pregnant (again, way faster than many people out there, I understand, but not our ideal timing.) For both career and family reasons, it also would have been nicer and more convenient for my due date to have been about at least 2 months earlier than it is. Friends of mine keep announcing pregnancies with spring and summer due dates and I'm super excited for them but I'm always a bit jealous as well, even now that I'm pregnant! I also get jealous of people who have an LO younger than mine who are then having their second baby before mine. So dumb, I know (esp 'cause I never even wanted 2u2). I guess part of it is that I'm not out of the woods with this pregnancy and we haven't seen or heard a hb yet. Anyway, all I'm saying is that even when you don't have infertility issues you can find a reason to be jealous. The ridiculous thing is that with some of these couples I have no idea of how long they tried and it's plausible that they had been trying for years. For a few others I know it was fast but still...what do their babies have to do with mine, anyway? And what right do I have feeling jealous when I already have an LO? So I get over it fast. But I totally know where you're coming from.

Along these lines, I'm terrified to tell my sister our news. She badly wants children but her husband is not ready to start trying yet (as of this fall when the issue last came up), and she's worried about biological clock issues (this is an older sister). I KNOW she will be jealous of me, especially with me already having an LO. She handles things well and is the most loving sister imaginable to me, but she will definitely be jealous nonetheless. I really just hope that when I tell her, she tells me that she is also pregnant. Or better yet she announces first. But odds are they still aren't even trying.

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