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Special Needs
KevsLove
member
TTC Guilt
KevsLove
member
Hi all,
Ordinarily I'm just a board creeper, mostly trying to do this on my own but I was wondering if anyone else felt, I don't know, as if they were putting the SN LO 2nd because you were trying for another baby.
Last May, DD was diagnoised with a mild form of Infantile Spasms and, though her most recent EEG came back normal, we are still waiting for a Developmental Aaaessment to see just where DD falls. We know there is a delay but we just can't get a handle on where she is and it's made trying to teach her/discipline her very hard.
On top of this my husband and I decided (in the summer) to try for another baby and he wants to get more serious (before I had just gone off BC) I feel guilty because I feel as if we should first wait to see what's going on with DD before we bring another baby in the mix. I'm scared that with a new baby DD will not get the attention she (might?) need.
I don;t know if I should even be posting this, I kinda feel as if I'm having an (undeserved) pity party
~*~
Plumpynut loving on Baby Brother E
~*~
This discussion has been closed.
Re: TTC Guilt
I don't have any advice on the situation, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.
I feel the same way. A lot of my friends are having their second babies and it makes me sad that we can't. We are waiting for genetic testing to come back to see if we're dealing with something for serious. Should only be a few more months!
I was already pregnant (12 weeks) when my DS started getting his diagnoses and I feel guilty too. I wonder daily how am I going to handle meeting both my newborns needs and my toddlers special needs. My toddler requires a lot of attention and sensory input and is very behind and in 3-4 hours of therapy a week. I really worry what we have gotten ourselves into and we had no way of knowing when I got pregnant.
I just keep telling myself that the best gift you can give a child is a sibling and sometimes a normal developing sidling can help the development of the other child! At least according to what I have read
Good luck and I hope you get your answers soon!
I don't know if that's true or not but one of the saddest things (for me) about Chris's dx is that I constantly have to *tell* myself that Chris loves us - in his own way. However, since DS2's been born and become significantly more interactive, I've noticed a small change in Chris. He has a smile - one reserved solely for his little brother. It's a small one but it only comes out when he's around his brother and having his hair pulled or being crawled on or having his face eaten. He's also a lot more affectionate - again, in his own way. He'll get on the couch and snuggle up to us now whereas before he didn't. Whether that's related to his brother or not, I'm not 100% sure but I think it might be.
Good luck!
That is so awesome! Reading your post just made me smile
I really think my DS is going to be an awesome big brother 
thank you 
I had two kids and I feel like I can manage both even though they have some degree of special needs (though my son is as mild as they come while my daughter is more severe). Even knowing what I know now, I would still have them close. We did briefly ttc a third child but opted against it due to the fact my DD is progressing slowly in therapy and we wanted to get her evaluated for autism. If she is on the spectrum I likely wouldn't have any more children.
I think having a sibling has taught them both important skills that have ultimately helped them with their therapy. My son is a sensory seeker and hyperactive while my daughter is the total opposite. He helps get her nervous system revved up since she adores him. He has taught her so much as well. They've both learned to wait their turn and share at a young age which are definitely helpful skills in kids who are slow developing otherwise. My DD makes my son slow down and he's such a caring, compassionate child. I think his sister plays a huge role in that.
I should give the disclaimer that I have my mom close who doesn't work--I do 4 hours of therapy with DD a week without my DS present and an hour a week with DS alone since my mom can take care of one of them. I think it would be incredibly difficult if I was constantly having to entertain one child while trying to be present for therapy for the other. I don't know if I'd make the same choice if I didn't have that support. It would be really difficult to manage both children especially in situations like aquatic therapy for DD, DD's group class that focuses on floortime/social skills that's 90 minutes 2xs a week, etc.
I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.
A lot of my friends are having second babies right now or trying to. We're in no position to (I'm looking for a new job, H is looking for a new job, H is in grad school, we don't know the full scope of DD's situation, etc) but it's eating me up. Also, H is so scared that another child would be at risk to have a stroke and major brain damage that he's in the one and done camp. I want to re-evaluate once he's done with school.
I admit that I worry that DD will get back burnered or even that her needs will be so great that a NT child would be back burnered. It's hard and I end up having guilt for a hypothetical child.
We consciously made the decision to hold off TTC until we felt we had LA's health and development in a managable place. Our original plan was to have kids 2-3 years apart. As you can see, it will be 4 years (almost to the day) when DD2 arrives. At the time it was a hard decision and one that I cried over, but looking back, it was the best possible decision we could have made. Now that LA is attending preschool and has fewer specialist appointments and outside therapies, I know we can manage the needs of both of our kids. Even a year ago, it would have been much more of a juggling act and would have caused a lot of stress and strain for our family.
I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Like you, I see it a little as a blessing and a curse that I'm also "old" (39). It's easier for me to say that I'm done with two due to age but if I was younger, I don't know. I got my tubes tied after DS2 afraid that I'd have a crazy notion in a year or so to have a third. I truly don't think we could do it. Chris's progress has slowed down - which I didn't know when DS2 was born. At that time, Chris was blowing through all his ABA programs but now that he's in a non ABA setting, his progress has slowed to a crawl - which has helped me be more at peace with my decision to not have any more children. I don't think that I could focus on an infant and Chris AND be pregnant again.
:-)
Now that we've had a few months to process & accept our new world - its almost I have less anxiety about DS & his needs. We are better educated than we were 7 months ago, and therefore calmer and we are now in the process of having fun trying to give him a sibling
Ask me 7mo ago about a brother or sister for DS, and the very idea of another child was off the table. I too felt guilty since everyone was bringing a second/third child to their family. However I needed to get through the period of confusion we had.
Will it be more stressful for us (double bathtime/bedtimes, double parenting, double doc appointments, etc.) of course! At the same time though, as everyone has, there is an adjustment period to the norm - and although stressful every mom/dad seems to have a smile on their face when looking at their life.