How to tell...

bionicb · February 2013

Hello ladies! I am having a heck of a time with a few things. A waiting to see my LO on the 5th hopefully! I'll be approx 8wks 4days. And B how to tell my sister when the time comes. See, my sister and BIL lost their son last august at 37weeks. It was horrible. They were planning on trying again but shes been diagnosed with PCOS and adding fertility meds will just increase her already high risk self to huge risk self. Im really concerned as to how to tell her. I dont want to hurt her, and I know she'll put on a happy face, but it will be hard.

yesthisiskim0401 · February 2013

She is your sister and no matter what, she will be genuinely happy for you. I would definitely tell her in person, and one on one (not in a group setting where you're announcing to others as well) so she doesn't feel side blinded by this. I'm so, so sorry for her loss and I hope she gets her take home baby soon!

sledchick04 · February 2013

That's tough! My Brother and SIL have been trying with drugs for over 2 years and are still not pregnant. I am not really looking forward to breaking the news to her either...

meringue123 · February 2013

yesthisiskim0401:
She is your sister and no matter what, she will be genuinely happy for you. I would definitely tell her in person, and one on one not in a group setting where you're announcing to others as well so she doesn't feel side blinded by this. I'm so, so sorry for her loss and I hope she gets her take home baby soon!

Exactly this. And don't be offended if she seems upset. Of course she will be happy for you, but she will also be dealing with other emotions and may need some time.

blueeyedrose86 · February 2013

I'm so sorry for her loss, that must have been devastating for everyone. Honestly, I don't think there is a way to soften the blow really. DH and I tried for 2 1/2 years and had a lot of issues before we got pregnant, and my sisters had 3 babies in that time frame. They knew how much we were struggling and all got pregnant so easily first cycle trying for 2 of them, so they cautiously told me of their pregnancies. I was happy for them, obviously, but I couldn't help being upset as well. These were all second children for them. I guess it could have been worse, like finding out through fb or something, but I'm sure you already planned to tell her individually. Good luck!!

jarebearsmom · February 2013

It's going to be hard either way. Just make sure to take her one on one and give her as much time as she needs to grieve her baby again. GL and we are here if you need us

Kittymom6 · February 2013

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I would recommend that you consider emailing her or telling her over the phone, rather than face to face. That may seem impersonal, but it will give her some space to react without having to mask any emotions that it brings up or worry about hurting you. I'm coming from the IF perspective. I was always happy for other's good news, but sad for myself and my DH and thinking I was a big jerk for my reaction or nonreaction didn't help.

I'd also say that, after you tell her, take cues from her about how much to talk about your pregnancy. Don't complain about pregnancy to her that's what your DH and this board are for! If conversation is all about pg, and she's quiet, change the subject and involve her. Don't make it seem like you have to walk on eggshells around her, just be sensitive to how she might feel. And it sounds like you're already doing that!

Congrats and GL, OP!

bionicb · February 2013

Thank you all. I told my other sister (Im horrible at secret keeping and I actually live with the sister that knows!) and she thinks M (our sister coping with loss) will be able to handle it. Im just really afraid that my suprise kiddo with make her doubt herself even more than I know she already is. My SO and I are trying to wait unwil 13-15 weeks to tell close family and friends, which is sooooo hard! Im so excited, and nervous and want to be able to start all the planning and plotting.

Maybe my SO and I can take my Sister and her hubs out for dinner or something and talk to them like that. An private setting, but still showing that we want to include them without trying to cause them harm emotionally and mentally.

Well, I still have a little while, but I wont lie I really want time to move faster! I would love for it to be may!

germanpickle · February 2013

meringue123:
yesthisiskim0401:
She is your sister and no matter what, she will be genuinely happy for you. I would definitely tell her in person, and one on one not in a group setting where you're announcing to others as well so she doesn't feel side blinded by this. I'm so, so sorry for her loss and I hope she gets her take home baby soon!
Exactly this. And don't be offended if she seems upset. Of course she will be happy for you, but she will also be dealing with other emotions and may need some time.

And I suggest asking her, "I think this is very difficult and I want to be supportive and loving of you. How can I make this positive for us all? What do you need?"

Because someone people want to be totally included and others will need some distance.

You are great for considering this, my dear. I would be so happy if my sister thought so much of me as well (she is much younger, we are great friends, but we haven't had to face this yet)

tandb2010 · February 2013

Get or make her a card or a shirt that says awesome sisters get promoted to AUNT!
That sucks about her loss. I couln't even think of how hard that would be.

ashleymarie512 · February 2013

Kittymom6:
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I would recommend that you consider emailing her or telling her over the phone, rather than face to face. That may seem impersonal, but it will give her some space to react without having to mask any emotions that it brings up or worry about hurting you. I'm coming from the IF perspective. I was always happy for other's good news, but sad for myself and my DH and thinking I was a big jerk for my reaction or nonreaction didn't help.

I'd also say that, after you tell her, take cues from her about how much to talk about your pregnancy. Don't complain about pregnancy to her that's what your DH and this board are for! If conversation is all about pg, and she's quiet, change the subject and involve her. Don't make it seem like you have to walk on eggshells around her, just be sensitive to how she might feel. And it sounds like you're already doing that!

Congrats and GL, OP!

I completely agree with this. I'm also coming from the IF perspective and appreciated the emails I got, as my initial reaction was always shock, upset, etc. it gave me time to process and respond in my own time instead of having to feel as if I had to swallow my emotions and be happy.

Good luck!

reneeandbill · February 2013

I have PCOS and had been trying to get pregnant for 5 years (with 3 losses along the way) when my sister told me she was pregnant. I was thrilled for her. Its my sister and I love her. No matter my personal troubles, I will always be happy for my sister's joy. Its a family thing, and family always supports. Its very sad what your sister is going through, but she will still be able to enjoy her new niece or nephew!

EmJ&B · February 2013

DH and I have been trying for a log time and hearing of other people's pregnancies has been hard for me - I'd be torn between being thrilled for them and sad for me. I think just tell your sis privately - she'll be happy for you and sad for herself and all of those feelings are valid.

MrsSmith414 · February 2013

FutureMrsFugattLarson:
Maybe my SO and I can take my Sister and her hubs out for dinner or something and talk to them like that. An private setting, but still showing that we want to include them without trying to cause them harm emotionally and mentally.

I understand your excitement at becoming pregnant. Trust me I am there right know. You are just so overjoyed and happy!

Please PLEASE DO NOT tell your sister who just lost her child and is going through IF in the middle of a public place at dinner. This has nothing to do with her not supporting you, or her not being happy for you. This has to do with her PAIN dealing with her loss and her feelings in the IF world. It is a different life all together. I know you want to include them but I also can see you clearly love your sister and would never want to cause her any pain. Please just call her on the phone and tell her your news. She WILL be happy for you, but this will bring up some tough emotions for her that she would much rather deal with alone or with her husband.

Kittymom6 · February 2013

MrsSmith414:
FutureMrsFugattLarson:
Maybe my SO and I can take my Sister and her hubs out for dinner or something and talk to them like that. An private setting, but still showing that we want to include them without trying to cause them harm emotionally and mentally. 
I understand your excitement at becoming pregnant. Trust me I am there right know. You are just so overjoyed and happy!
Please PLEASE DO NOT tell your sister who just lost her child and is going through IF in the middle of a public place at dinner. This has nothing to do with her not supporting you, or her not being happy for you. This has to do with her PAIN dealing with her loss and her feelings in the IF world. It is a different life all together. I know you want to include them but I also can see you clearly love your sister and would never want to cause her any pain. Please just call her on the phone and tell her your news. She WILL be happy for you, but this will bring up some tough emotions for her that she would much rather deal with alone or with her husband.

MrsSmith is wise. Listen to her, OP. If you really need to tell her in person, don't do it on a double date in public.

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