In-laws visiting after work - am I being too sensitive?

JH2039 · February 2013

I'm a first time mom to a 5 month old daughter. My husband and I both work FT and have a FT nanny in our home.

My in-laws live about 20 minutes away. They're too nervous to babysit (my FIL "doesn't like diapers" and my MIL has a physical disability that keeps her from doing a lot of activities like changing, etc) so we've encouraged them to come over any time during the day, when the nanny is here. They can play with her without the pressure of actually having to do anything...the minute the baby fusses or needs to eat, they can pass her off.

In the 3 months I've been back to work they've come when the nanny's here 2x. They're both retired so, really, they could come any time - heck, every day! - if they wanted to. While I was on maternity leave we would go once a weekend but, now that I'm back to work, it's not feasible without sacrificing a massive chunk of our weekend - we have other things to do, other people to see and, of course, want to spend time alone as a family sometimes, which we do so infrequently.

Lately, though, they've wanted to come at night and bring dinner. I've resisted because 1) I get home between 6 and 6:45, and the baby goes to bed around 7/7:15 - I only have a few minutes with her, which is upsetting to me anyways and 2) the baby gets FUSSY around 6:15/6:30...fussing, crying, etc. It's when she starts to get tired and needs to go to sleep - it's not an appropriate time for company.

Beyond that, though, she's a baby. It takes us about an hour or so to get her down with bath time, feeding, changing, etc. So now it's 7:30-8:30. And we have to work the next day.

We've had people here during bedtime and it's awkward. You can hear her crying and fussing, we're trying to keep it quiet-ish, the back of the place is dark and it can take awhile. And, again, it's my only time with my baby...I realize I made the choice to work, but we realistically don't have an option otherwise. So I cherish my short time in the AM and PM.

That said, my husband completely disagrees with me and thinks them coming at night during the week is fine. I'm open to the possibility that I'm being too sensitive...am I? I just don't understand why, when they have NOTHING to do all day, every day, they have to encroach on the limited time I have on a day/time that's uncomfortable for me. Come during the day! Come on the weekend and bring dinner! Let's do a Friday!

Am I wrong? Am I being super sensitive?

mamaHippo23 · February 2013

Absolutely not! I hate people coming over during bedtime too. It's our quiet, special time together and I don't need other people around to "help". My brother sometimes drops in after work, right during bedtime, and it seriously drives me insane b/c he's the loudest person I know. I would continue saying no to evening visits and instead make some definite plans for them to come over during the day. "We can't have visitors at night, but Monday afternoon would be perfect." Offer a specific date and time, just to get them started in the habit of coming during the days so it's easier for them to stick to a specific plan. If your nanny takes the baby out to park, library, zoo, whatever- have her call and invite ILs to join. If you consistently put your foot down, they have no choice but to alter their behavior.

Clovesjellybeans · February 2013

I don't think so...I think the next time they ask to come in the evenings, you just tell them that "she goes to sleep so early, and I need to get myself ready for work the next day...(work out, shower, make-something-up-here, etc). Then I would just suggest, "why don't you come on friday night? Or on the weekend". Maybe they sincerely don't see that they are encroaching on the only little time you have with LO...

As for your hubby, as him to walk even 1 day (never mind one week) in your shoes, and see how fast his opinion will change...

ASmallWonder · February 2013

I don't think you're being sensitive at all. But to keep the peace a little, I'd focus on the fact that they're showing up right before bedtime, which is hectic, stimulating and disruptive and not focus on the fact that you only get a little bit of time with her. That turns it into a competition for the baby's attention and them feeling entitled to it (and again, I DO think you have a right to your own time with your baby so it's not that I think you're wrong). I'd just try to focus on the logistics aspect of it because that's less likely to be emotionally charged.

danieliza1127 · February 2013

They probably feel more comfortable visiting while you and your H are there, not only because they know you well obviously but because they want to see you two as well! I would do it but just set a guideline that it's to be no more than once a week. Just explain that it's tough for you since you get home so late. Maybe suggest a certain day of the week, like Tuesday every week, that way you can plan for it and everyone knows it's going to happen and then just roll with it on that day. Or like someone else suggested, make it a Friday night or weekend, but again, just once a week.

sjgurl784 · February 2013

PP touched on this, but maybe they feel awkward being there with the nanny. That seems kind of weird to me. Plus, they probably would like to see all three of you!

That said, I understand how precious that time between coming home from work and when they go to bed is. I would suggest mentioning Friday nights or them coming on the weekends and don't be afraid to tell them the limited amount of time you have with her in the evenings is filled with getting-ready-for-bed activities, she's fussy, etc. They sound like they mean well and will understand this.

I really don't think they're trying to encroach on your evenings... I think they feel weird being at your house when you're not home.

gnomemom · February 2013

Not at all. My LO goes to bed at 6:30 and I get home at 5:45. I only get to see him 2-3 hours a day, so that is our time to cuddle as I get him ready for bed. Plus, keeping him up past his bedtime leads to a cranky, overtired baby and it can take HOURS to get him to go to sleep if we miss that 6:30 - 7:30 window.

I would suggest a weekend afternoon. They have plenty of opportunity to see their grandchild and they need to respect your schedule.

kross605 · February 2013

I agree with the pps that mentioned that they likely feel awkward being at your house when youre not there, they may not be sure how to interact with the baby without getting in the way of the nanny and her routine with the baby etc. and they also may want to visit with you and DH as well.

We have a standing thursday evening dinner at my parents house (including my sister who is single) which I actually love because its one night I dont have to make dinner and one night where its a little easier to take care of the kids because I have other adults around who can and want to help and play with DD, and it allows us to have weekend time with the girls if we want because the family knows they will see them every thursday, even though its just an hour or two. Perhaps a standard date like this every week or every other week, whether are your house or theirs, would make sense since they are close by and obviously interested in visiting and willing to handle dinner.

honeybee72 · February 2013

While I agree that working FT makes it hard to "share" your child(ren) on a weeknight, I also agree with those who said your IL's may feel awkward visiting while only the nanny is there. While I'm sure they welcome any time with their grandchild (you don't say, is this their first?), they likely also want to see you and DH. And since you say they want to bring dinner, it also sounds like they want to help out.

I like the idea of suggesting a specific night of the week for them to visit.

And just FWIW, my parents are retired but also have a very busy schedule. There aren't many days they spend simply doing "NOTHING all day". I'm not sure why, but your assumption that they can come any time simply because they are retired just rubbed me the wrong way. I certainly wouldn't go there when working this out with them...

nealbl · February 2013

I think it depends on the relationship you all have with eachother. We are very close with my parents and my IL's. They not only want to see our kids but they also want to see us, their kids.

Try to imagine when you are older and your child now has a family of his or her own. Don't you think you would still like to see your own child and not just your grandchild?

I am not saying you always have to let them come over but I would think once every other week would be fine. Especially if they are bringing dinner.

melody921 · February 2013

I'm with you. I hate evening company unless I can plan for it. There's not enough time at night with the kids as it is. I'd push for a Friday or weekend if they want to come when you and DH are there.

ktbee33 · February 2013

Not at all! I totally agree with you, that's too much! And just explain to your husband that thus is the way you feel and it might not be right in his mind, but it is what it is, and you need his support.

wesleycrusher · February 2013

They probably want to see you and DH with the baby, not just the nanny. Did you and DH see them often before LO? Maybe they miss the time with you, too. One woman at my exercise class said that to her one of the best parts of becoming a grandmother the pride she felt seeing that her children had become good parents. They do sound like they are trying to be thoughtful, even offering to make dinner. Have you thought of the situation from their pov?

jw87 · February 2013

Bedtime is 7pm in our house, no guests or we'll all go crazy!

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