Do pregnancy announcements still sting?

MoFree · February 2013

Do pregnancy announcements from fertiles sting as much as they did before you were a parent?

Now that I have a child I didn't think pg announcements from fertile would still bother me. Obviously I was wrong. When my DH's cousin told me she is expecting #2 next August I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Her due date is my daughter's one year later and I just know she will carry full term.

I really like E and her husband, they are wonderful parents to their 14-month old son and we would see each other a lot if they lived closer. I don't begrudge them their fertility but that doesn't take the sting away.

itsmevkb · February 2013

When we were trying so hard for our second child finding out that people were pregnant with their second, third, etc stung a bit for me. Finding out someone was pregnant with their first never did though because by the time I was experiencing infertility I already knew the joy of having a baby and want every woman who wants a baby to experience that.

The hardest time for me was after my miscarriages. Being around women who were pregnant when I should have still been pregnant and who had babies around the time my lost babies were due is still a little hard for me. I work with a woman who was due at the same time as I was with my second miscarriage and even two years (and 2 babies later) it's still weird for me to see pictures of her son.

Ruthie04 · February 2013

Yes! I'm still hurt by so many of these women's announcements: the belief that one can get pregnant right after getting off the pill (and then they do), those that can "plan" their pregnancies around work schedules and optimal child spacing, the ones that announce pregnancies in their first trimester because they are certain they will have a take home baby. Before we conceived our boys, I would get so jealous of the friends who were successful with their first/ second/ third IF treatment cycle because we had so many failed cycles. Now, I don't really feel that way. However, I am CRAZY jealous of those same friends that had a "surprise" pregnancy for their second, third...I'm no where near ttc again, but it still really stings. And, like PP, I also struggle with the miscarriage part. A bunch of my FB friends had babies the same month my first LO was due. I torture myself with those pictures and imagine what our LO would look like or be doing right now.

I often feel like I've been picked for the team (motherhood), but I'm an alternate. I get invited to all of the games and even get to play sometimes, but there are plenty of things I'll never get to enjoy like the rest of them will.

TJ1979 · February 2013

Yep, still stings. Especially the oopsie babies. I really like Ruthie's analogy of being picked for the team but being an alternate. We will never get to enjoy the surprise of being late and POAS. Well, perhaps we will, but not very likely. Especially with PCOS. If I'm late, being pg would be the last thought on my mind. I would just assume it's the PCOS acting up.

I also strongly feel like itsme, regarding the losses. My cousin's baby and my first were due within 10 days of each other. While I am SO happy for her and love my little nephew with all my heart, I can't help but imagine what my little peanut would have been like. If it would have been a boy or a girl, if it would be walking now like he is, or if it would be talking. I wouldn't change it if I could though, because I have the baby I was meant to have. But it's so hard not to feel that pain. The same cousin is now pg with her 2nd oops baby, and will have 2u2. She's very happy about it, so I don't begrudge her that. But she keeps telling me how awesome 2u2 is going to be, and how I ought to do it too. She knows about my IF, and my struggles, and my loss. I guess she thinks I'm just magically cured now that I've had one.

Big hugs MoFree. IF has changed us for life.

Dragonfly1226 · February 2013

I am pregnant again with #2 and #3, and those announcements still sting! I feel so thankful to have what I have, but the fact that it comes so easily to some while every moment is a struggle for me still hurts. They don't hurt nearly as much as they used to, but they still sting. (((hugs)))

IBackBevo · February 2013

I had to force myself to get over this when I was going through IF. I work in a small office and our young receptionist/office manager got pregnant accidentally (early 20's, unmarried, boyfriend and her had just gotten back together after a break up, could not afford maternity care so got on medicaid during pregnancy, etc.) while I was going through IF. So I got to see her growing belly every day. Plus, she talked about the baby constantly and pretty much everyone at the office catered to her--i.e. I was asked to cover the phones on my lunch break on a regular basis even though I am an attorneyso she could take an outside lunch and the like and I did it and I was happy for her...I even bought the baby gifts. Then, after the baby was born, she would bring her up to the office every time she came to work until she was about 5-6 months old. So I pretty much had full-blown immersion therapy and had to learn (or else be a basket case incapable of getting any work done) to not let this bother me. In a way, I guess it sort of worked because I really don't get bothered by this.

Honestly, what bothered me more was the "Your young/It will happen/just relax/You can't really have a problem" type comments/attitudes that I got from ALOT of people because I felt like it was downplaying my medical problems and the situation/my feelings. One year at Thanksgiving, my Step-Father said that my being so emotionally upset about my "infertility" issues was just making the matters worse...as if I was somehow contributing to my own problem. Now that made me upset. Ya know, because me being "upset" was affecting my egg reserve or somehow contributing to the genetic mutation that caused my dimminished egg reserve! Yeah, last time I checked, your emotions don't affect your DNA.

My step-dad also made some flippant remark about how he didn't even think I wanted any kids or that DH and I would ever even have them due to my career and DH's career...the clear implication was that we should just be happy with the nice life we had and not want or wish for anything more (like children). I got quite a few comments from people that were more or less to the end that DH and I had so much going on with our careers that we should just let it be and be happy in our lives and if it happened, it happened and if it didn't, it didn't. This attitude always bothered me because while I was/am thankful for the many blessings in my life, I don't think there is anything wrong (or abnormal) with feeling the need/longing for a child and a deep sense of grief if you can't have that.

gidge · February 2013

yup - pregnancy announcements, my pregnant friends, anyone with twins or who mentions someone with twins...it's not the same level of grief but it stings.

I think since we aren't planning on doing IF treatments again (we will adopt but we're not planning to pursue a pregnancy), it will always sting a little bit. I really enjoyed the time I was pregnant and felt way better about my body during that time than I did before/after.

yodasmistress · February 2013

Sort of. We were enmeshed in the throes of IF for more than 4 years, with our son arriving almost exactly 5 years after we started TTC. So ... my IF bitterness went through a long evolution. On the one hand, I learned to cope better. I used to say that after about 2 years you start to learn to live WITH the IF, instead of just trying to get THROUGH it. And a part of that is recognizing that your IF is not everyone else's problem and the people around you will go on and have babies and that is just the way it is. Of course no matter how much one tells themselves that, it doesn't just make the bitterness evaporate. Likewise, having a baby doesn't necessarily heal all those old wounds. But. For me, it went a long, long, long way. Once my son was here, I was filled with so much love and gratitude that, at least for a while, fertiles didn't really bother me at all. Then I got my first PPAF at when my son was around 16 months and we jumped back on the TTC bandwagon. And all of a sudden I noticed everyone from my FF and TB DD groups all getting KU again and it wasn't working for us again and a lot of my prior negative feelings came crashing back in. It wasn't anything like the first time. But I realized I still had a lot of bitterness down there. And then, I, very unexpectedly, started down the path to IF Urban Legend status and it has made me really question the authenticity of my original experience. I was so sad and angry for YEARS. It consumed my soul. There was nothing on the forefront of my mind on a daily basis moreso that IF. And now. I am pregnant with my second child. From sex. And. It just seems so normal and I can scarcely remember that pain. But I kept a blog from 2007 to 20010 so I go back and read and I can REMEMBER feeling that way. Even though I don't any more.

I'm rambling.

I guess the short answer is "Yes, a tiny bit" But only a tiny bit. And some day, when my family is complete, and the horrors of IF are long behind me, I hope I can still recall how I once felt and not say any asshat things to any young women I come across struggling to conceive.

ETA ---> ::waves to Mo::

hunterjumper102 · February 2013

Yes. It makes me feel horrible that I still can't be happy for someone without feeling that sting but it is still there. I try to remind myself that just because we got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy doesn't mean that I still didn't go through IF. IF took something away from me that I will never get back and the fact that other people can have it so easily still stings. I will admit even with my own baby I still feel jealous of other fertiles.

Pnut30 · February 2013

They still bother me. They don't bother me quite as bad as they used to but they do. Especially when it either happens very quickly or is an "oops" situation since I know we have about a zero percent chance of that ever happening for us. I don't wish IF or the struggle on anyone, I just think it is incredibly unfair that any of us had to go through it. I do try to think it makes/will make me a better mother.

lovebug33 · February 2013

They still hurt sometimes. My BFF announced her second pregnancy at boos baptism. And then told me that she got pg the first month they tried. And her due date is the same as boos. It hurt. I can't understand it but I think I felt like she took some of my thunder away and I was upset. And people who have more than two kids. I had always wanted three and I won't get that because we are OOP and can hardly afford two let alone even think of three.

Saraevh · February 2013

Yes. Surprisingly they do even though we have two kids. I didn't think they would bother me after we had our second, but I've always wanted three (and while I am SO thankful for the two we have) a part of me gets upset when I think about the fact that I might not be able to have that feeling of 'complete.'

I try to tell myself that while it is totally unfair that any of us have to go through what we've gone through, everyone has something in their lives. For example, DH and I may have our fair share of IF issues and a good friend of mine got pregnant both times after one night of unprotected sex, however her Dad died when we were 25, and my father is alive. Another good friend has three kids all perfectly spaced 2 years apart, however her marriage totally sucks and her and her husband hate each other. Get my drift? When I have 'those days' where I'm pissed at everyone who actually has the luxury and ability to plan their families, I think about those things ...

cbubbles2 · February 2013

They definitely aren't as bad as before I was pregnant. Before, It was crushing, Gut-wrenching, and sent me into a "what's wrong with me/my body, why am I being punished?!" type of thinking. Now, it stings but my heart, arms, and home are full so I try and remember that.

KaliChick · February 2013

In short, yes, it still bothers me and it makes me crazy that it does. I thought it would be better once I had him, but not really ... maybe slightly but not really. Still hurts, still stings and the jealousy pains still hit ... especially an unplanned pregnancy.

KaliChick · February 2013

I just read the rest of the responses and I do think it has something to do with the feeling my family isn't complete but knowing it needs to be. Sure, I *could* have another one, but it's just really not feasible so I think the announcements sting a bit because I don't see another one in my future.

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