How to wean LO off of being held/constant attn...

Shema N · February 2013

My 3 mo old refuses to stay put w/o being held or constantly attended to. I'm extremely worried about how he will transition to a childcare setting when I return to work. How do I go about helping him transition from needing constant interaction/stimulation to being able to occupy himself for short periods at a time? If I was an SAHM I would be content to continue meeting his demands until he grows out of them (I SO wish I live in a country that give a year off of leave right now!)...but the harsh reality is that I will have to go back to work and I just can't stand the thought of him being ignored when he's crying for attention. If I leave him by himself with floor toys he starts whining. The whining stops as soon as someone goes over and starts talking to him or picks him up. It resumes as soon as we (anyone in the family) walks away. I tried once to leave him for 10-15 minutes to self-soothe but it didn't work. So far the only thing that seems to help is putting a mirror in front of him so he sees what I believe he thinks is another baby to interact with! But even that only lasts so long.

I would appreciate any other suggestions for how I can interest him in other ?activities? to keep him occupied or what activities may be interesting and stimulating enough to hold his attention for a bit. I just want to stress once more that this is out of concern for how he'll transition to a childcare setting when I return to work and am not there.

Shema N · February 2013

mbenit4:
Stop holding him all the time?

Yeah I noted that when I do that for about 10 or 15 minutes he starts screaming bloody murder...to the point that his face turns red, his eyes get swollen and then he's really inconsolable...

Ms5586 · February 2013

Shema N:

mbenit4:
Stop holding him all the time?

Yeah I noted that when I do that for about 10 or 15 minutes he starts screaming bloody murder...to the point that his face turns red, his eyes get swollen and then he's really inconsolable...

Well, don't go so long of a time. Have him in his swing, with you sitting in front of it so he can see you. Lay down beside him during tummy time without holding, put him in a bouncy chair in front of you, etc. Start with a few minutes, and gradually work up to it. Lots of quiet tones and shussing when he's fussing. Full-blown crying doesn't help either of you.

itsmevkb · February 2013

I think your expectations for how long babies can/should go without attention is a little high. The older they get the less needy they will be, specially if you do encourage independent play, but at 3 months their attention span is just so short that nothing you do (swing, play mat, etc) will really hold their attention for longer than 15 minutes. Just on their own they will grow out of needing to be held as much (and then you'll long for the days when you got to hold them so much).

PunkyBooster · February 2013

Have you considered wearing him so you can get things done? He wants to be close to you- and I wouldn't worry too much about the transition to another care taker- babies have a way of adapting and they know who mommy is. He may do a 180 with another caretaker.

aglenn · February 2013

itsmevkb:
I think your expectations for how long babies can/should go without attention is a little high. The older they get the less needy they will be, specially if you do encourage independent play, but at 3 months their attention span is just so short that nothing you do (swing, play mat, etc) will really hold their attention for longer than 15 minutes. Just on their own they will grow out of needing to be held as much (and then you'll long for the days when you got to hold them so much).

I agree with this. I think that is totally normal behavior and wouldn't expect a baby that age to entertain him/herself for 10-15 minutes. That would never fly with either of my kids, and both adjusted to day care just fine. Keep in mind, there are lots of people in the infant room (at ours there are usually two teachers, plus all the babies, and other staff come in and out as extra hands are needed). The teachers are great at juggling it all and getting each child the attention they need. Honestly, if my day care expected a 3-mth-old to sit alone for 10-15 minutes I would be very concerned.

Brit's Luna154 · February 2013

itsmevkb:
I think your expectations for how long babies can/should go without attention is a little high. The older they get the less needy they will be, specially if you do encourage independent play, but at 3 months their attention span is just so short that nothing you do (swing, play mat, etc) will really hold their attention for longer than 15 minutes. Just on their own they will grow out of needing to be held as much (and then you'll long for the days when you got to hold them so much).

This. I feel like DD needed constant interaction until she was old enough to entertain herself. Things got significantly better when she learned to sit herself up, improved more when she learned to crawl, and again when she learned to walk. It was almost like she was bored. Just give it time. Also, in a daycare setting, DD did a lot better, presumably because there was more going on around her.

ITGurl0626 · February 2013

PunkyBooster:

Have you considered wearing him so you can get things done? He wants to be close to you- and I wouldn't worry too much about the transition to another care taker- babies have a way of adapting and they know who mommy is. He may do a 180 with another caretaker.

This 100%. I still wrap my DD and she is 22.5 months old.

Shema N · February 2013

Thanks everyone. I?ve tried many of the suggestions here regarding putting him beside me or in front of me and bouncing him in his bouncy seat, or sitting in front of him while he?s on the swing. In fact this is our evening bedtime routine and it takes an hour!!! I either have him beside me in bed with his pacifier - he falls asleep, drops the pacifier, then wakes up screaming and I put it back in. Either this or we do this same thing in the swing, over and over again until he?s finally asleep.

Wearing him would certainly make my life easier but the issues with this are 1) he?s a big baby and I?m a small person and 2) again I worry about creating a habit that cannot be sustained in a childcare setting...

But I see your points about trying to leave him alone 5 minutes at a time and working my way up...I'll have to give that a shot.

ITGurl0626 · February 2013

Shema N:

Wearing him would certainly make my life easier but the issues with this are 1) he?s a big baby and I?m a small person and 2) again I worry about creating a habit that cannot be sustained in a childcare setting...

With the right carrier, his weight won't kill you. My DD is 22.5 months old & is 32lbs I wear her all the time. There are plenty of petite mamas that wear their babies & toddlers.

My DD started going to daycare at 3 months old & I wore her all the time while I was on maternity leave. She did just fine. Some babies need more interaction & closeness, I don't think there's any weaning to that.

PunkyBooster · February 2013

Shema N:
Thanks everyone. I?ve tried many of the suggestions here regarding putting him beside me or in front of me and bouncing him in his bouncy seat, or sitting in front of him while he?s on the swing. In fact this is our evening bedtime routine and it takes an hour!!! I either have him beside me in bed with his pacifier - he falls asleep, drops the pacifier, then wakes up screaming and I put it back in. Either this or we do this same thing in the swing, over and over again until he?s finally asleep.

Wearing him would certainly make my life easier but the issues with this are 1) he?s a big baby and I?m a small person and 2) again I worry about creating a habit that cannot be sustained in a childcare setting...
But I see your points about trying to leave him alone 5 minutes at a time and working my way up...I'll have to give that a shot.

There are many, many types of wraps designed for moms of all sizes so that she can carry a big baby comfortably. My 5'2, 110 pound friend still carries her (huge) 1 year old everywhere. And by "huge" I mean he is HUGE, like almost the size of my 2 year old- who is 33 pounds and I still wear him once in a while in my Ergo. He's almost too big for it. I'm not "small" by any means, but I'm not big (I'm 5'6 and weigh about 120).

Bedtime can be challenging for some babies. We had very drawn out bedtimes until DS was 11 months and I could stomach letting him cry a little bit. Again, your baby is VERY young and I think your worries of "creating bad habits" are a little absurd.

PunkyBooster · February 2013

mbenit4:
EllaHella:

mbenit4:
I would be concerned if my baby needed constant interaction and holding. I guess I am in the minority.

Why? That's quite normal for a 3 month old. Some small infants are more high needs than others.

At 3 months there was a lot of sleeping going on. Was it just my kids? If they could never be put down I would have thought something was wrong and probably took them to the pedi.

I fed, burped, changed diapers, maybe they were up a little while and then off to sleep. I did EASY with them. There wasn't a lot of play time unless I am not remembering correctly. I might do tummy time, play mat but even that was a few minutes then they were ready for sleep.

There is something to consider- OP, have you taken your LO to the pedi to rule out anything? Perhaps he is gassy? Constipated? Is he spitting up a lot and crying with that (since he is likely upright with you verses laying flat on his back when set down)?

ITGurl0626 · February 2013

PunkyBooster:
Shema N:

Thanks everyone. I?ve tried many of the suggestions here regarding putting him beside me or in front of me and bouncing him in his bouncy seat, or sitting in front of him while he?s on the swing. In fact this is our evening bedtime routine and it takes an hour!!! I either have him beside me in bed with his pacifier - he falls asleep, drops the pacifier, then wakes up screaming and I put it back in. Either this or we do this same thing in the swing, over and over again until he?s finally asleep.

Wearing him would certainly make my life easier but the issues with this are 1) he?s a big baby and I?m a small person and 2) again I worry about creating a habit that cannot be sustained in a childcare setting...

But I see your points about trying to leave him alone 5 minutes at a time and working my way up...I'll have to give that a shot.

There are many, many types of wraps designed for moms of all sizes so that she can carry a big baby comfortably. My 5'2, 110 pound friend still carries her (huge) 1 year old everywhere. And by "huge" I mean he is HUGE, like almost the size of my 2 year old- who is 33 pounds and I still wear him once in a while in my Ergo. He's almost too big for it. I'm not "small" by any means, but I'm not big (I'm 5'6 and weigh about 120).

Bedtime can be challenging for some babies. We had very drawn out bedtimes until DS was 11 months and I could stomach letting him cry a little bit. Again, your baby is VERY young and I think your worries of "creating bad habits" are a little absurd.

I agree 100%. A 3 month old has no concept of being spoiled or creating a bad habit.

Shema N · February 2013

ITGurl0626:
PunkyBooster:
Shema N:

Thanks everyone. I?ve tried many of the suggestions here regarding putting him beside me or in front of me and bouncing him in his bouncy seat, or sitting in front of him while he?s on the swing. In fact this is our evening bedtime routine and it takes an hour!!! I either have him beside me in bed with his pacifier - he falls asleep, drops the pacifier, then wakes up screaming and I put it back in. Either this or we do this same thing in the swing, over and over again until he?s finally asleep.

Wearing him would certainly make my life easier but the issues with this are 1) he?s a big baby and I?m a small person and 2) again I worry about creating a habit that cannot be sustained in a childcare setting...

But I see your points about trying to leave him alone 5 minutes at a time and working my way up...I'll have to give that a shot.

There are many, many types of wraps designed for moms of all sizes so that she can carry a big baby comfortably. My 5'2, 110 pound friend still carries her (huge) 1 year old everywhere. And by "huge" I mean he is HUGE, like almost the size of my 2 year old- who is 33 pounds and I still wear him once in a while in my Ergo. He's almost too big for it. I'm not "small" by any means, but I'm not big (I'm 5'6 and weigh about 120).

Bedtime can be challenging for some babies. We had very drawn out bedtimes until DS was 11 months and I could stomach letting him cry a little bit. Again, your baby is VERY young and I think your worries of "creating bad habits" are a little absurd.

I agree 100%. A 3 month old has no concept of being spoiled or creating a bad habit.

If I were an SAHM I would not be worried about his need for constant attention. I'm just concerned that he'll have a big adjustment going from having his mommy shower him with attention all day long, and then suddenly being dropped into a childcare setting for 8 hours/day. He is definitely a fussy baby. My first was not like this at all. So I'm worried that I, being his mother, have a level of patience and love that no one else can replicate.

Maybe I'm not conveying my feelings/concerns correctly, but anyway...

PP, he is definitely a gassy baby. I switched his formula and he got alot better but maybe it is worth a more thorough evaluation...

JessieJH · February 2013

Maybe your little one needs to be held more. I think some babies are just different. My friend's little boy is happy to chill on a mat on his own. My own daughter needed to be held pretty much nonstop for the few months. I found that wearing her in a sling/moby really helped and a swing did offer some temporary relief- as did a bouncy chair while I took showers.

I would just be patient for now- 3 months is still early. I believe you will find that as your LO is more able to play with toys they will entertain themselves for longer periods.

3 months is still within what my doctor called the fourth trimester- so they are still pretty demanding. :-)

skyejo · February 2013

Welcome to the world of a high needs baby

I had the same concerns when I went back to work with DD1 but much to my shock she adjusted just fine. All the stimulation of daycare kept provided much more entertainment than I ever did. I could never lay the kid down without her screaming. She needed to nurse all the time. 2 years old and I can count on two hands the number of times she has slept through the night. It's just who she is. There's no changing her personality.

Put a little faith in your DC provider. This is their job--to care for you baby. I know that when I'm at work my girls are in great hands. I honestly don't worry about them during the day. There will be an adjustment period for both you and baby but it really will work out just fine.

Oh, and DD1 is 28 months now and still needs constant attention. DD2 is 5 months and has been chill from day one. Different babies, different personalities.

katieh1017 · February 2013

L had colic and was very high needs. Sometime between 3-4 months it got better. She started at DC when she was 4 months old. By then she was a different baby. She adjusted very well in DC. You can voice your concerns to your DCP and your LO's needs.

SCtoDC · February 2013

As the mother of a not 'high needs baby' and a nanny-share participant, I'd like to thank you, OP, for considering this and trying to do something to ease the transition.

We had a nanny-share family who wore their baby all of the time, and the baby cried all of the time when it was in our house because the nanny was caring for two children and could not hold just that one all day. I'm not against baby wearing, but I don't agree with PPs who have said that it won't be a big deal to the childcare situation. It very much can be a big deal and was an enormous issue for us and our nanny. The other family wouldn't address the issue and our nanny very nearly quit over the stress of being with a screaming child all day everyday!

We have a new family now, and both my child and our nanny are much happier with the new kid that doesn't require being held all day.

JessieJH · February 2013

SCtoDC:
As the mother of a not 'high needs baby' and a nanny-share participant, I'd like to thank you, OP, for considering this and trying to do something to ease the transition.

We had a nanny-share family who wore their baby all of the time, and the baby cried all of the time when it was in our house because the nanny was caring for two children and could not hold just that one all day. I'm not against baby wearing, but I don't agree with PPs who have said that it won't be a big deal to the childcare situation. It very much can be a big deal and was an enormous issue for us and our nanny. The other family wouldn't address the issue and our nanny very nearly quit over the stress of being with a screaming child all day everyday!

We have a new family now, and both my child and our nanny are much happier with the new kid that doesn't require being held all day.

I have to disagree with this. That nanny doesn't sound competent. A child who screams all day may be have colic or a number of things. The needed to be held could be part of that. 'Training' it to not be held seems like a rotten solution.

My kid is definitely clingy and we baby wear (I still pack all 24 pounds of her as often as I can). Baby wearing makes her calmer if anything. At daycare she does get held a lot, but not to the detriment of other kids and I would agree with a PP who indicated that the stimulation of daycare helps. A great nanny or daycare should have tools to help your kiddo. Training a child to not be held seems backwards to me. Babies who need it should be held a lot.

kcircell · February 2013

Ok there are lots of post with quotes so I only read about half of them, but OP I might suggest reading the baby whisper book and putting your LO on a bit of a routine. You LO might be crying because they are overly tired. So getting them on a pattern will help foster independent play.

Shema N · February 2013

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for suggestions and understanding where I?m coming from. Emotionally it?s extremely hard for me to stomach the thought of him crying and being ignored when I can?t be there anymore. He is a tough kid and I'm so worried that others won't exhibit the level of patience that I can as his mother.

I like a lot of the suggestions here - trying to leave him for 5 minutes at a time and working my way up, being more deliberate about creating a routine, etc. I?m on the fence with the baby wearing...it definitely would make life easier for now though... Wish me luck with my LO!

PunkyBooster · February 2013

Shema N:
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for suggestions and understanding where I?m coming from. Emotionally it?s extremely hard for me to stomach the thought of him crying and being ignored when I can?t be there anymore. He is a tough kid and I'm so worried that others won't exhibit the level of patience that I can as his mother.
I like a lot of the suggestions here - trying to leave him for 5 minutes at a time and working my way up, being more deliberate about creating a routine, etc. I?m on the fence with the baby wearing...it definitely would make life easier for now though... Wish me luck with my LO!

You seem really hung up on whether DC workers can "handle" your child. I don't mean that in a snarky way at all- so please don't take it that way.
But if you are this concerned about it- have you considered a private nanny or in home care where your child will be the only one?

laurakaz13 · February 2013

PunkyBooster:
Shema N:
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for suggestions and understanding where I?m coming from. Emotionally it?s extremely hard for me to stomach the thought of him crying and being ignored when I can?t be there anymore. He is a tough kid and I'm so worried that others won't exhibit the level of patience that I can as his mother.
I like a lot of the suggestions here - trying to leave him for 5 minutes at a time and working my way up, being more deliberate about creating a routine, etc. I?m on the fence with the baby wearing...it definitely would make life easier for now though... Wish me luck with my LO!
You seem really hung up on whether DC workers can "handle" your child. I don't mean that in a snarky way at all- so please don't take it that way.
But if you are this concerned about it- have you considered a private nanny or in home care where your child will be the only one?

I agree. Honestly OP, daycare providers generally have a great deal of childcare experience. In fact, our DCP's have taught me so much about taking care of my baby/now toddler, it's been invaluable.

I actually find it a bit annoying that you are just assuming they're going to put your kid down and let him cry forever and not care. That is not how a great daycare works.

Of course they won't drop all the other kids and just attend to yours. From the sound of it, that might be a good thing. It might be helpful to your child to learn that he will not be held all.the.time.

Daycare has been an amazing experience for us. I bawled when DD graduated from the infant room, and I will cry again when she leaves the pre-toddler room. I have become extremely close to her teachers and they have done wonders for her. She LOVES them.

You will get over the first time mom jitters and it will be okay. I'm trying not to be snarky. I really am, but you are jumping to crazy conclusions especially in regards to daycare providers.

emberlee3 · February 2013

DD is a high needs baby. At 3 months, she was colicky, didn't nap and had to be held or worn most of the day. She has been a nanny-share baby since 3.5 months, and it has gone beautifully. She enjoys being with the other baby. Now that DD is mobile, she is much happier and entertains herself well.

OP, it sounds like your baby is high-needs, too. He will likely grow out of this on his own. As long as you trust your daycare providers, I wouldn't worry about weaning him off of attention. They will find their own rhythm with him.

In terms of your own sanity, I highly recommend carrying your LO in a wrap or Ergo type carrier. DD loves to travel this way while we run errands or take walks.

Shema N · February 2013

Ladies, thanks for your replies. I admit that I am pretty concerned about childcare and I?m sorry if it sounds a bit overboard...but back when LO had his 2 month check up the pediatrician freaked me out. He observed LO?s behavior and started telling me about one child he used to see who got ?kicked out of 2 daycares? b/c he would cry/scream constantly. I think the pediatrician was actually trying to comfort me by making me feel like it could be worse. But it only did the opposite, it freaked me out - and I just prayed LO would grow out of his fussiness.

My MIL fed my paranoia by telling me that she knows someone who knows someone who worked at a daycare where the providers would let babies cry it out.

One of the PPs noted that ?it might be helpful to your child to learn that he will not be held all the time? and my mom has tried to comfort me by saying the same exact thing.

Anyway, I guess I?ll just have to take this one day at a time and see how things go and hope like others have said that he will grow out of it. Regarding the wraps - what do you ladies with experience in this area recommend? I read reviews regarding the Moby wrap, complaining that they?re not well suited to petite women. Are there other wraps out there that you recommend? Wraps that I can use for a long time as he grows?

EMOmamma · February 2013

Just for some optimism - my DS, who is now 2, and my DD, now 9months, both wanted to be held all.the.time. For the first few months if they were awake they wanted to be held or they were crying. They would both tolerate the swing or bouncy for 5-10min but that was it.

After about 4 months they got better, and at about 6months they were crawling and sitting and were totally different babies. After the first couple weeks at DC, DD was not quite 4 months old, her teacher asked me what I do at home b/c she recognized that DD was a high needs baby. I know she probably had to cry by herself sometimes at DC while the teacher changed diapers or fed the other babies (it's a center and they are not allowed to babywear). But I know they didn't leave her to cry for long periods of time and she loves her teachers. It sucks but it is what it is.

They are both now very happy and independent. DD still has clingy days (I mean, she's only 9 months) and DS sometimes needs extra hugs at drop off. You are in no way ruining your kid for life by holding your 3mo. Good for you for trying to help. Do the best you can and know that they will likely grow out of it soon.

semdkm · February 2013

My advice? Don't. If your child wants to be held all the time, at that age, I don't think there is anything wrong with indulging him/her. This is coming from someone who had the same.exact.concerns. Twice, with two very colicky babies who I had to leave to go back to work when they were 3 and 4 months, respectively. Frankly, I got little to nothing done b/c either my husband or I was holding the baby all the time, but we found that they didn't require the same amount of attention at daycare (and it wasn't because they were allowed to cry unattended to--they were just more interested in what was going on there than needing to be held constantly).

I know it's tough, but I personally don't agree with forcing a baby to get used to not being held. Not at three months, certainly.

Good luck with the return to work and daycare transition!

thespianlawyer · February 2013

Honestly, daycare was the best thing that happened for us to help with DD and clingyness. At 3 months, she could go maybe 10 minutes on her own on the playmat or maybe in a swing. She hated more than 30 seconds of tummy time. I wish I had worn her more, maybe I could have gotten things done on my maternity leave. But then I went back to work and DD went to daycare and she thrived. There's so much more for her to do/observe at daycare than there ever would be at home with just me. Within a month, she could go longer on the playmat and tummy time was a vast improvement. Now, at 7 months, she'll happily play by herself for a couple minutes if I have to get dinner started.

nosoup4u · February 2013

mbenit4:
EllaHella:

mbenit4:
I would be concerned if my baby needed constant interaction and holding. I guess I am in the minority.

Why? That's quite normal for a 3 month old. Some small infants are more high needs than others.

At 3 months there was a lot of sleeping going on. Was it just my kids? If they could never be put down I would have thought something was wrong and probably took them to the pedi.

My older son was much more like OP's son than my younger son was at three months. Some babies are just more high needs/want to be held all the time.

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