What bothered you the most when going through IF?

IBackBevo · February 2013

The post below about pregnancy announcements made me think...what annoyed you or bothered you the most that other people did when you were going through IF? IF is such a personal experience for everyone that I would really like to hear about everyone else's thoughts. I was one that was not too bothered by people getting knocked up or having babies...unless they were like crack whores or something. It bothered me a little, but it wasn't too bad. And I loved to hear "success" stories. Yet, I know other people who didn't want to hear success stories and couldn't be around pregnant women or babies.

For me, it would really bother me when people downplayed IF or acted like it wasn't a "real" problem or wasn't something I should be upset about. I got this alot from family members. I come from a pretty prolific family and because I was young at the time, I seemed to get alot of people who treated me like "it would just take time" or who didn't "get" that even though my age was only 30 or 31, my levels were that of a woman in her late 40's.

Or the other thing I would get alot of was people acting like I should just be happy with the life I had -- DH and I were both successful with great careers and this should be enough. I remember my Mother even telling me about my cousin having a miscarriage and saying something like, "Well, at least you didn't have that happen..." Was I supposed to feel better because something horrible happened to someone else? I didn't. I just felt bad for her, too, and then worried if I ever did get pregnant I might have the same problem.

amandaleigh1 · February 2013

I hated that people in my own family seemed to not really believe that I was IF. I think I was told by my mother on more than one occasion that I needed to relax. I had to have a pretty serious conversation around that one!

I loved success stories, and I still do.

I hated pregnancy announcements among my family and friends when I was TTC. They don't bother me any more.

I think I was most frustrated during my IF journey in that I knew IVF would be the way to go, but that I had to wait to find the money to do it. I am not patient, and waiting to do treatments was so very hard. But because my IF is semi-unexplained, I was still trying and failing month after month on my own, and that was really hard to bear as well.

itsmevkb · February 2013

As someone whose first experience with infertility was while trying to conceive our second child, I can't even count how many times people told me that I should just be happy with the child I had at home, as if I wasn't. It's because I loved my little boy so much that I wanted more children. I also got a lot of "just relax" comments although, and I hate to say this, I believe my husbands sperm did get better once he was no longer working 3rd shift and he was getting into the groove of graduate school more. DOR, however, doesn't change depending on how relaxed I am.

Many people had a similar opinion after my miscarriages telling me I should be happy that I had two children. Ummmm, I am happy that I have two children but that doesn't make me any less sad that two of my children died. And, who says that anyway? No-one would ever, ever, ever say to someone who just lost their 2 year-old, oh well, at least you have a 4 year-old at home. Ugh.

lovebug33 · February 2013

We were married for 8 years before we had a baby. People would say things like ," don't you want kids? They're great!" Also people who knew we were ttc and would give stupid advice like sell all the baby stuff in your house or start drinking because that will help you. An people who did one night stands and got pregnant. That bothered me a lot. And people who were married a lot less than me and it knocked up right away. Of course seeing kids in my class whose parents were neglectful drove me nuts. And teenage moms. Okay I'm judgmental.

KatieKT · February 2013

Without a doubt, the most infuriating thing for us was when our friends and sometimes even people in our family would say, "You are so lucky you don't have kids" and pretend to be so annoyed at whatever their child was doing that they'd actually trade places with us and be childless.

People who said things like "you're so lucky you can go to the movies or dinner"- that I can understand even though they were still saying something I didn't like to hear. But the ones who actually said, we were lucky we didn't have kids??

What were they thinking?!

Saraevh · February 2013

1.) Going to a million baby showers for friends/family who got knocked up after 1 to 3 months (max) of trying.

2.) My in-laws not believing that their son was practically sterile.

3.) My in-laws constantly calling me out in front of other people saying things like, "Well if Sara would ever give me some grandkids ..." WHEN THEY KNEW we were having trouble getting pregnant and were spending thousands of dollars seeing an RE.

4.) My in-laws telling me after our surprise BFP, "See, we knew there was never any issue ..."

5.) My in-laws ........ I could go on forever. Next ....

6.) People telling me we were "so young" and to "just relax and it will happen"

7.) People not believing me when I told them we were having difficulties.

8.) One of my best friends telling me endo is 'super common' and that she 'knows so many people who have it.'

9.) Friends not wanting to tell me when they were pregnant, and when they either finally would or I'd hear it from another friend they would make up some lame excuse like, "well I didn't want you to feel bad."

10.) Friends apologizing to me for bringing their kids along to things, again because they didn't want to make me feel bad.

You opened up a can of worms with this one, IBack. I could go on for freaking days!

Dragonfly1226 · February 2013

Just being around pregnant ladies or little babies was extremely difficult. But as far as comments go, the worst were (1) "Everything happens for a reason." Really? Tell me the reason why it was so difficult for us to have a child when crack whores can pop out kids like it's their job. What possible reason is there for me to lose two babies. NOT everything happens for a reason. (2) "You would understand if you had kids." Thanks for reminding me that I am infertile so I cannot possibly understand what you are talking about. I would give my left arm to "understand."

LnR70707 · February 2013

Dumb comments, which of course came from people with oops or 1st try babies. Even now, the general misinformation about TTC, "relaxing", improving your chances, etc. drives me up the wall.

MoFree · February 2013

So many things annoyed me depending on the situation. It was hard to see my younger brother and cousin have two children and my sister and her asshat ex have a child while we were still waiting. It was also hard to see DH's cousin plan her pregnancy according to season.

I hate how people seem to have so little awareness of IF and can't seem to fathom that childlessness is not by choice.

I also hate how some people factor god into the equation. Believe what you want but please don't tell me you know what god's plans are for my family

I am sure I will think of other things later on.

I am enjoying reading all the responses.

austenreader85 · February 2013

It took a few years for me to open up about my IF. But once I did close friends didn't take it seriously. They would often forget about it. I got married first and tried for years. Everyone else I knew got pregnant within 3 months, of which they thought took too long. Maybe I wasn't dramatic enough but it would have been nice if I didn't have to have the same conversations for 3 years straight with the same people.

Mrs.AmyDylan · February 2013

I think the hardest thing was all the anouncements/baby bump pics on FB, mostly because they we unexpected and like daggers to the heart. I would cry for hours, to a point where I stopped logging into FB for a long time. It also made me not post a single thing about being pregnant on FB and wait several weeks after DD was born before I posted that she had arrived. I guess it made me want to spare anyone else the same pain.

Next was the casual comments b!tching about being pregnant or having kids. We went on some truly amazing international vacations when we were trying to get pregnant and struggling with IF. But the trips seemed like a consolation prize for not having a child in my arms. My cousin b!tched about getting pregnant on accident because they didn't get to take their cool trip they had been talking about since they got married. I would give back every trip we ever took to spare myself the pain of IF.

Finally, I couldn't hold or look at babies. I was terrified of an uncontrolable ugly cry. I was fine with kids. In fact, I love kids and work with them as my job/business. Now that I have a baby, I realize that by avoiding babies, friends with babies and anything to do with babies, I'm at a bit of a loss on what to do with Sweet Baby J. The only confirmed action that seems to consistently work is putting her on the boob.

lovebug33 · February 2013

MoFree:
I also hate how some people factor god into the equation. Believe what you want but please don't tell me you know what god's plans are for my family.

I hated that too! My MIL, who believes we will go to hell for doing IVF, actually said after our meeting with the RE when he told us there was no choice but IVF, God doesn't want you to have children. That's okay and you should just be childless. Man, I dislike that woman!

ccam · February 2013

1) Hearing all of the pregnancy announcements hurt a lot, especially when when we were being lapped 2 or 3 times! Or when people said, "it took us a while to get pregnant this time...4 months". Or even better, "we didn't think it would happen so fast. I cried for days."

2) We didn't tell many people about our IF. Just our immediate families and my best friend knew. It's kind of sad that we couldn't tell more family, but when DH's cousin makes jokes about test tube babies, you don't really feel like you can tell them.

IBackBevo · February 2013

lovebug33:
I hated that too! My MIL, who believes we will go to hell for doing IVF, actually said after our meeting with the RE when he told us there was no choice but IVF, God doesn't want you to have children. That's okay and you should just be childless. Man, I dislike that woman!

Is your MIL Catholic? I hate, hate, HATE hearing things like this. I have a relative by marriage who will not pursue ART at all because of what the Catholic church/the Pope teaches. It breaks my heart. She has very infrequent periods (like 1-2 a year) and was diagnosed by an OB as having POF, but I have to question if that is even the problem because when she did get her CD 3 FSH taken when she had a period, it was 6--which is not indicative of POF. And she has never even had her AMH tested. I cannot fathom any sort of decent doctor who suspects POF not testing AMH.

I have suggested to her to at least get additional testing done (thinking maybe instead of POF that she has an ovulatory dysfunction) or look into even basic forms of ART (like not even IVF, but just medication), but because of her religious views she is against it. It breaks me heart because I question if she even has gotten a correct diagnosis or has incorrectly been led to believe that her situation is hopeless...and, at least from what I have been told, she won't look into anything further because of religious views.

At any rate, I just hate this view and hate that it holds women back from getting treatment that might provide them with a child.

mystic_J · February 2013

When people would tell me to just simply adopt and then I would get pregnant. Double slap in the face. Also, the fact that literally everyone I knew with a ute was pregnant, and some lapping me during the course of 3 years.

Also, now that I have a baby, everyone keeps saying they just know I will get a surprise BFP any day now. Makes my eye twitch. Super Angry

topaz7777 · February 2013

Things that bothered me most included any "get pregnant advice" that may have worked for a fertile person but clearly the person giving the advice didn't understand a single thing about anatomy or the process of conception.

The other thing was people who actually cared about me offering to be a serrogate or offering up their eggs. Now I know that they just think that there is only one kind of infertility so it's really ignorance and not intentional, but somehow it still really bothered me.

Also the comment "well you can always adopt." Yes, I know that. Thanks for the advice. *rolls eyes*

erkie · February 2013

IBackBevo:
lovebug33:
I hated that too! My MIL, who believes we will go to hell for doing IVF, actually said after our meeting with the RE when he told us there was no choice but IVF, God doesn't want you to have children. That's okay and you should just be childless. Man, I dislike that woman!
Is your MIL Catholic? I hate, hate, HATE hearing things like this. I have a relative by marriage who will not pursue ART at all because of what the Catholic church/the Pope teaches.

My very catholic grandma told my aunt (her DIL) that God only gives babies to women who will be good mothers. My aunt has endo and they went through a lot to get pg. Needless to say, I never talked to that grandma about IF.

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