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Natural Birth
Keeping your mouth shut over other people's birthing choices
Does it ever get hard? I try to only give my advice when people ask for it. I wouldn't like someone telling me how I should give birth, so I owe everyone else the same respect. But it gets really hard when people that I truly CARE about listen to EVERYTHING their doctor tells them, hook, line and sinker. Or when friends schedule an induction, simply because they are "tired of being pregnant." I want to speak up and say, "Wake up and read a darn book! You do not need an induction at 37 weeks!!" But I know I shouldn't. It's not my place. Do you keep your mouth shut or kindly offer subtle advice to close friends/ family that you care about?
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Re: Keeping your mouth shut over other people's birthing choices
*Lurker*
Sometime you really have to grit your teeth and turn the conversation in a different direction. I have learned the crafty art of the subject change mostly through these incidents. The only time I speak up is when I know that the person is really, reaaaally making a dumb decision. (Like my friend who got told by another friend of hers that she should look into homebirth for a VBAC. I gave her some useful info for MWs in the area and links to research about risks/benefits. The MW group told her they don't do homebirth VBACs, so the same other friend told her she should wait as long as possible to go to a hospital in hopes she would have an "accidental" homebirth. Even offered to be her labor coach and "catch"!! I told her in the most polite way I could, that it was a really irresponsible idea and to just try to find a VBAC friendly OB.)
had to change my sn
Miracle Baby #1 - March 2012
What upsets me is that I try to be so nice about other people's choices, but they don't extend me the same courtesy. For example, I was at the grocery store yesterday and a mom with a little girl came up behind me. She asked when I was due and I said tomorrow. She was like, "Oh my goodness. Are you just going to wait it out? My doctors wouldn't let me go to my due date." I decided against giving my speech about letting baby come when it was ready and just turned back around. But the woman then asked what hospital I deliver at - probably wondering what doctor I have that will let me go overdue. When I told her I actually have homebirths she had this look of horror on her face and she said, "People do that? I could never. I would be so worried that my baby would die!"
Sigh.
People just need to mind their own business.
I totally agree. It is really hard. People always criticized my choice for a natural birth when they were induced or had epis. I always kept my mouth shut and never told them that their choices were wrong. In general, I think women have a hard time respecting other womens choices sometimes especially when it comes to birth. They subconsciously feel like they are being judged for the choice that they made.
It can actually be incredibly difficult to find a VBAC-friendly provider in some areas. And there are women who labor out of the hospital as long as they can to try and avoid a RCS. And there are various women who've had HBACs (sometimes bc there are no hospitals in their area that will support VBACs).
One of my good friends just had her first baby a few weeks ago. Her doctor told her she could opt for induction when she was 39 weeks (she had no medical issues) with no mention of risks. Stuff like that drives me nuts, and in her case, I did mention that induction comes with risk. But that was only bc we are really close friends. Usually I keep my mouth shut about other people's choices.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Uh, based on this thread alone, they that's because they ARE being judged for the choices that they made.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
LOL. I love how like a quarter of the posts on this board are "why are people judging me for wanting a natural birth??" and another quarter are "i can't believe all these mothers having inductionsdo your research!!!" Cognitive dissonance FTW.
Yeah no. Not everyone knows in their "womanly core" that natural birth is better. Natural birth isn't always better. And it's a ridiculous generalization to say that people who didn't have natural births feel defensive and need to justify their choices. If they do, perhaps it is because NBers like you believe their birth wasn't good enough and it shows through in your conversation.
Exactly. Natural birth has become one of my soap boxes. I firmly believe in it. I thought I was bad when I was pregnant because I would always refute the "you are crazy" comments. Now, after going through it and coming out on the other side, I am sooo much worse. I am the first to want to talk about labor/delivery and provide as much information I can about it to my KU friends.
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
My sister who's a nurse? I keep my mouth shut.
One thing I try to remember: just because someone does her "research" doesn't mean she'll come to the same conclusion we do.
and this is why moms on both side of the natural birth fence report feeling judged and criticized. yikes.
If you dont agree with your care provder on the majority of her care recommendations you should find another one. Personally I feel like I received excellent care and even though I may not have been 100% in agreement with my dr about everything. I did try to remember that she went to school/internships for more than13 years to be able to make the often difficult decisions that she did. Where as I found most of my information from books and internet searches as things came up. I feel like if Im seeking her help in delivering a healthy child I should listen to her as best I can. I also feel like she relayed all the pros and cons of all the reccomendations she made and at least made me feel like I had a say in how things went. I owe her credit for three healthy baby even when 2 of them had unexpected complications.
I don't even discuss birth choices now with a number of pregnant women in my life, unless I know they are natural-birth friendly, or very knowledgeable about the subject of childbirth. It's very difficult to bite my tongue when my best friend said, "My doctor doesn't like any patient to go over 40 weeks," and at the same time it's very difficult to bite my tongue when my co-worker says, "You're so dumb to want unmedicated childbirth, you'll be screaming for an epidural from the first contraction."
Actually, I did bite my tongue, in both cases. I showed up at the hospital for my best friend with the toiletries she asked for as she recovered from her c-section after the unnecessary induction, and I now just avoid the topic altogether with my co-worker, even when she initiates the conversation by poking fun.
I don't bring it up with people I know unless I know they're planning on a med-free birth or are interested in it. If someone knows I had one and asks, I'll tell them why I did it. It's not a comment on their experience.
Sure, I have my reasons why I made the decision I did, and those are MY reasons. When it comes to other women...not my body, not my baby, not my business.
Not everyone wants to become an expert on childbirth. Everyone has different things they want out of their birth experience. Some people are comfortable relying upon their doctors' opinion. And honestly, that shouldn't be a terrible thing. A person should be able to trust their doctor and rely on their opinion.
FWIW, I've had 2 deliveries now. With my first I wanted to have an unmedicated birth. I did all the research, read all the right books, and I ended up with a very necessary emergency c/s due to HELLP syndrome. My 2nd was a vbac with an epidural. It was a choice I made with full knowledge of all the pros and cons. In a future pregnancy, I may try going unmedicated.
My experiences have taught me that every birth is different. And every woman has different expectations out of their childbirth experience. Heck, even I have different expectations from childbirth from my first pregnancy to the 2nd. What is right for me is not right for someone else. That's how I keep my mouth shut when it comes to other people's decisions about childbirth.
Daughter #1 - February 12, 2010
natural m/c March 11, 2011 at 8 1/2 weeks
Daughter #2 - January 11, 2012
Ectopic pregnancy discovered November 6, 2012 at 6 weeks
Daughter #3 - January 19, 2014
Started our exploration into the world of international adoption June 2012. We have no idea what this is going to look like but we are excited to find out!
The only time I've spoken up was when my best friend said that her husband really wanted her to have an elective c-section (with her first baby) because they're "so much safer" than a vaginal birth. Fortunately this was over email so I took some time to compose a tactful response because I literally screamed when I read that. Basically, I just pointed to the fact that she's in excellent shape (she's a marathon runner for crying out loud!) and her pregnancy has been completely free of complications, so why not just trust her body to do what it is designed to do and avoid an unnecessary surgery if at all possible. She's also a Christian, so I was able to use the argument of "Would God design a faulty system for childbirth?"
I'm a firm believer in planning for the birth you want (in my case, a natural water birth) but surrounding yourself with professionals that you trust to make recommendations in the moment based on your needs, whether it be a c-section, an epidural, an induction, etc. Even a star quarterback has to listen to the coach during the Super Bowl!
During my first pregnancy I talked about doing it naturally and home birthing all the time and was really judgy towards other people. I hated having to defend myself to people and telling them I had done the research and whatnot. I especially hated the stories that people insisted on telling me about their babies almost dying had they not been in the hospital.
I realized, after my friend apologized to me for her absolutely necessary c-section (cord was wrapped around baby in multiple places) how preachy I had been. Now I don't say anything about my birth choices unless someone asks me. What's interesting about that is there is another teacher at my school who is pregnant for the first time and she was asking me about my previous birth (not know how I had done it). She said she wanted to do it naturally without drugs so I said that the biggest issue I've seen for mother's who want to do that is not preparing for it, and that's why they usually end up with an epi. I then told her I'd taken Bradley classes and could loan her my workbook if she wanted to read up on relaxation techniques and she was very into it. No preaching or being judgy at all.
I only speak up if someone is just really uneducated. I've had several friend say they wanted a planned c-section because it was "easier" than vaginal birth. I had to point out that the recovery time is much longer, time spent in the hospital is much longer, and the physical pain you'll find yourself in after having major abdominal surgery may not be any more pleasant than 20 hours of labor in the end. If you end up with an emergency c-section or have one for medical reasons that's one thing. To plan it because it's "easier" is another and just shows how our perception of c-sections isn't exactly in line with how they really are.
B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17
I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
I think a lot of the problem is so few women know what to expect and might be scared. We see the overly hyped birth scenes on tv and movies where a woman is generally screaming in pain and begging for an epi, news reports of "dramatic births on the way to the hospital" etc. Not to mention the attitude of using medication any time we are uncomfortable. Other than maybe seeing a childbirth movie in sex ed, or religious ed, which was mainly to scare you out of ever having sex, how many people have seen somebody give birth? Unfortunately we also get biased information from doctors and nurses, who have been trained to deal with everything that can go wrong, especially as they are more overworked every year while also having the thought of liability in the back of their minds, hard to blame them for skewing their advice to something that might make their job a little less stressful for them. Even if most deliveries are uneventful, I guarantee they are much more likely to remember that one instance where something went terribly wrong and don't want it to happen again.
Sorry off on a tangent. All that being said, it is really hard to not be preachy when you are passionate about something.
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