what would you do?

kfarmer92 · February 2013

So LOs father and I are no longer together. We plan on raising our daughter as best as possible, which will be me with full custody, him with visitation. He voluntarily works about 80 hours a week, so that's the agreement that works best for everyone. My problem is that anytime I call him to let him know anything about the baby, he either doesn't answer or he's at work and doesn't have time to listen to what I have to tell him. Its very frustrating because when I go into labor, will he be available? This past weekend, I was in the hospital because of issues with my pre e and they were talking about possibly delivering the baby. So I called him five or six times throughout my stay to let him know. He never answered, never called me back, never even got back to me except a text Sunday night saying hi. So, my question is this. What should I do when I am actually in labor? Should I attempt to call him a million times? Or should I call a couple times and wait for him to get back to me and if he misses it, he misses it? I don't know what the best thing to do is. Any advice?

RussianMommy · February 2013

Call once or twice and leave a message if he doesn't answer and continue to labor without him. No point trying to lead a horse to water if it doesn't want to go. Do you have a support team that you plan on having to help you? A doula? Family member?

kfarmer92 · February 2013

My mom is my support person. I had already made sure of that a while back because BD was unsure of whether he even wanted to be around for LO. Its such a sad situation, not for me because I'm going to be the best parent I can be with or without him, but for my daughter who may or may not get to know or have a relationship with her father.

Charlotte02 · February 2013

There isn't a thing you can do to make him become involved. You will only stress yourself out and your child. My husband and I have a high school friend, who is no longer a friend, due to abandoning his child for 4 years. The mother didn't ask anything of the jerk until she had to go on government assistance. They wouldn't admit her until he started paying back the child support owed. Honestly she is better off without him in her little girls life. All he does is get that poor 4 year olds hopes up and crush her. But Mom thinks she's still in love with the guy and lets him hurt both of them.

Get the child support, and keep your lo as emotionally safe as possible. I do not envy you and hope everything turns out better for you. I'm glad your Mom can support you in labor! Good luck.

grace_smith03 · February 2013

Ugh, that would totally piss me off to the point I'd stop calling for anything. That being said, you should probably call ONCE to tell him that you are in labor, and that's it. If he gets it, he gets it (he should be on high alert at the end of your pregnancy anyway, right? You're not calling him to tell him you need a gallon of milk every other minute.)

I hate passive-aggressive crap. Make no mistake...that's what this is.

Good luck to you. I wish you well.

SarahRae85 · February 2013

I agree with others. There's only so much you can do.

Next time you talk to him, tell him you're only going to call him x-number of times and text him before you focus on labor and if he misses it, he misses it. Does he have a work number you can call? DH and I have discussed this and if he doesn't answer his phone I'm supposed to call his work if/when I go into labor while he's at work and they'll send someone out to get him for me (DH works 70 hours a week, so I know how that schedule can be). This is, of course, because DH can't always hear his phone over the sound of the machinery he works around, and not because DH can't be bothered to answer his phone when I call him.

Beyond that, I don't think there's anything more you can do and I don't think anyone would expect you to be calling/texting him nonstop while you're coping with labor. Make a "plan" with him of how much effort you're willing to put into contacting him and don't go beyond that.

OhSewCrafty · February 2013

Things will be stressful enough when you're in labor (its just natural). I'd call him a few times, leave a message, and put the ball in his court. It sucks that he may very well miss it, but I can't imagine being in labor while trying frantically to get a hold of someone the entire time.

Is there anyone else who can be with you for certain?

Eleventy11 · February 2013

Honestly, there isn't much involvement he can have until the baby comes. Especially if you no longer have a relationship. He may sense your numerous calls as a plea for some type of togetherness. If you are constantly calling or texting to tell him every little detail, i can understand him ifnoring you. I would call him when you go into labor and leave a message. Send a text and let him decide. Unless the baby is in danger, he probably doesn't care about you. I'm not trying to be harsh, but as PP said, you can't make him be involved. He may be the best dad in the world once LO is here, but he may not want or care anything about you.

MrsMommyofDom · February 2013

First of all, I am very sorry you are going through this. Its not fair or right, but situations like this are becoming more and more common and its so sickening. I have been happily married for 4 years with a 3 year old son and DS2 is due April 20th. I dont know what its like to be in your shoes but many of my friends have and it just makes me so mad that men like this just arent ready. My advice: live your life day to day..happily. If you go into labor, I would call him once and leave a voicemail...a nice, calm voicemail. If he misses his daughters birth...that is nobodys fault but HIS. He can commit to 80 a week, but hes too busy for his daughter now? I can only imagine what the future holds. You and your daughter deserve the BEST and if hes without.. then thats his problem, not yours. My husband works 6070 hours a week and still makes time to rough house with our son and even give him a shower once a week! I look forward to sitting on the couch for that one night because Im on call/duty 24/7. I do it all 6 nights of the week. Anyway, you will have the best bond with your daughter and she doesnt need to grow up with a "false promises" dead beat dad. She needs a strong parent, not living in an unstable environment just because you want her to have a "father". I was adopted by my maternal grandfather because my mother was a drunk and addict...I had visitations only because my Grandpa was trying to do the right thing. Let me tell you.... the last time I saw her was Thanksgiving...she only comes around when she wants something...and tries to act like we are best friends. She has been clean for 15 years...which is great...I am very proud of her...but it deeply hurts how she is...in all honesty Id be better off without her in my life. My point is: dont stress yourself out over baby daddy. Hes not worth it. You are so much better than his bullshit. Hes the one missing out. Your daughter will have you....and as long as you are happy and heathly..your daughter will be too...and thats all that matters.
I dont want to sound rude or offend you...its men like him that piss me off. Us parents need to break this horrible cycle for our grandchildren. I wish the best to you and your daughter. Your going to be a great mom!

RussianMommy · February 2013

And honestly, do urealy want him there when you're giving birth anyways??

ettraud · February 2013

If I were you, I would call him once or twice and shoot him a text. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying if he will miss it. At the end of the day, it's his own fault if he misses the birth of his child.

highlights · February 2013

Call him once, leave a voicemail and send him a text.

That's more than prudent.

BelhurstBride · February 2013

I'd ask him now if the birth is something he wants to be present for and if he does if he'd prefer notification via phone call or text.

UberBiz · February 2013

courtnif:
Honestly, there isn't much involvement he can have until the baby comes. Especially if you no longer have a relationship. He may sense your numerous calls as a plea for some type of togetherness. If you are constantly calling or texting to tell him every little detail, i can understand him ifnoring you. I would call him when you go into labor and leave a message. Send a text and let him decide. Unless the baby is in danger, he probably doesn't care about you. I'm not trying to be harsh, but as PP said, you can't make him be involved. He may be the best dad in the world once LO is here, but he may not want or care anything about you.

The bolded is exactly what I was going to say. If he wants to be involved with the new baby, then that has to wait until after the baby is born. The pregnancy is about you. Let him know when you are in labor, and if he shows up, he shows up. If not, then that's on him.

katester42 · February 2013

If this is how he's acting now what I would do when going into labour would be to call him once or twice and leave a message if he doesn't pick up. If he chooses not to call you back or come to the hospital then it's his loss.

If you have someone else who can be there for your 100% I would just focus on having them there and go about your business.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Lucky2K13 · February 2013

Call once and leave a message. That is the best consideration I would give him. And ditto to what someone else posted...do you even really want him there? Sure, invite him, but it is his loss if he flakes out.

nyki06 · February 2013

I agree with the PP saying that you should call a couple times and leave it at that. Hopefully his excitement about the baby will increase when it's close to the time of delivery.

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