I think it's time i said hello.. — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

I think it's time i said hello..

To start off, i am 3 and a half weeks postpartum. That doesn't sounds like long, but i feel like it's been an eternity. My birth experience was incredibly traumatic, I was on induction meds for 30 hours, active labor for 18, stalled out at 7 cm for 7 hours, after which we found out my son was stuck and his head was swelling, and i was rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. 2 days later my husband had to fly back to TX (he is Army and was only aloud 4 days to be there for the birth). Then my first week post op i developed an infection, and was put on Valium to manage severe anxiety. I was only given 10 days worth and was told that would be enough to get me over the hump. Now i am sitting here, looking at my beautiful son, who is my own personal miracle in every way (we lost his twin at 9 weeks, struggled through my entire pregnancy, and both of us nearly died in delivery, and now it looks like he will probably be the only child i'll ever have), and i just don't feel that overwhelming love that i expected. I'm not heart broken when i have to leave him with someone else to watch, and i actually enjoy that time alone. I find myself mourning who i was before i was a parent. His crying, which is so minimal, makes me anxious, and when it lasts longer then 10 minutes i dissolve into tears. In 3 days we will finally be back with my husband, and all i can think about is how much flying with the baby is going to suck, and how as soon as we get to the hotel i am giving DH the baby so i can take a nap. I love my husband, i love my son, but i just can't seem to FEEL love right now.. I feel miserable. All the time. I feel alone. I feel exhausted. And i feel bitter. Not toward the baby of course, but toward myself. I couldn't deliver him, i couldn't breast feed him (supply issues), and now i can't love him as much as he deserves. I go through the motions, and say and do all things i should, but i don't always feel the things i am saying, or doing. I wake up in the morning counting the hours til i can sleep again.. I just feel very alone..
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7/5/11 MC at 8 weeks. 5/17/12 BFP, twins EDD 1/20/13! 6/20/12 Baby B's heart has stopped beating. 8/31/12 Baby A is a boy! And is perfectly healthy and thriving. 1/19/2013 emergency c-section, Thoren is perfect. 3/1/2013 told i will never be able to conceive again. 12/16/13 told they were wrong! 


Re: I think it's time i said hello..

  • I'm 1 year PP.  I just popped over here to see what was going on and I want you to know you're not alone.  I felt the same way.

    It will pass and until then, keep doing what you're doing.  Baby barely understands tone of voice right now.  He doesn't know you're not feeling well.  Even if you're faking it, smile at him, talk to him and sing to him.

    I miss the person I used to be too; part of that feeling will never go away, but the new us is wonderful too.  Have a glass of wine!

     

  • Not to minimize your feelings, but some of this sounds normal. Its normal to miss your old pre-baby life, I still do. I didn't feel an instant connection to my DS and when he would cry it would make me anxious and sweaty. Please be kind and give yourself more time to adjust, but also don't be afraid to reach out to family, friends, or a doctor if you feel you need it.
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  • Your story sounds so familiar (failed induction, c-section, BF supply issues).  I would like to tell you it gets better.  I am still hoping it gets better.  I have days where I can see and feel things clearly.  My son is amazing.  My DH is amazing.  He is almost six months and I still feel like I am going through the motions.  I have been on meds since November but just had a horrible few weeks of full blown depression where I couldn't take care of my son by myself.  I guess I just want to say you are not alone and get help if you need it.
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  • I'm almost three weeks postpartum. I have no advice for you, but you hit the nail on the head as far as the way I am feeling goes, and my story isn't nearly as traumatic as yours- easy labor and delivery, breastfeeding is going pretty well now (after a rough start) and lots of help from DH and others. Still, I'm feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time dealing with my anxiety. You're not alone.
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