To start off, i am 3 and a half weeks postpartum. That doesn't sounds like long, but i feel like it's been an eternity. My birth experience was incredibly traumatic, I was on induction meds for 30 hours, active labor for 18, stalled out at 7 cm for 7 hours, after which we found out my son was stuck and his head was swelling, and i was rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. 2 days later my husband had to fly back to TX (he is Army and was only aloud 4 days to be there for the birth). Then my first week post op i developed an infection, and was put on Valium to manage severe anxiety. I was only given 10 days worth and was told that would be enough to get me over the hump. Now i am sitting here, looking at my beautiful son, who is my own personal miracle in every way (we lost his twin at 9 weeks, struggled through my entire pregnancy, and both of us nearly died in delivery, and now it looks like he will probably be the only child i'll ever have), and i just don't feel that overwhelming love that i expected. I'm not heart broken when i have to leave him with someone else to watch, and i actually enjoy that time alone. I find myself mourning who i was before i was a parent. His crying, which is so minimal, makes me anxious, and when it lasts longer then 10 minutes i dissolve into tears. In 3 days we will finally be back with my husband, and all i can think about is how much flying with the baby is going to suck, and how as soon as we get to the hotel i am giving DH the baby so i can take a nap. I love my husband, i love my son, but i just can't seem to FEEL love right now.. I feel miserable. All the time. I feel alone. I feel exhausted. And i feel bitter. Not toward the baby of course, but toward myself. I couldn't deliver him, i couldn't breast feed him (supply issues), and now i can't love him as much as he deserves. I go through the motions, and say and do all things i should, but i don't always feel the things i am saying, or doing. I wake up in the morning counting the hours til i can sleep again.. I just feel very alone..
7/5/11 MC at 8 weeks. 5/17/12 BFP, twins EDD 1/20/13! 6/20/12 Baby B's heart has stopped beating. 8/31/12 Baby A is a boy! And is perfectly healthy and thriving. 1/19/2013 emergency c-section, Thoren is perfect. 3/1/2013 told i will never be able to conceive again. 12/16/13 told they were wrong!