Why the stigma?

Merried_2008 · February 2013

Even before that wretched magazine cover ap seems to have had a bad wrap. Why do you think this is?
Aaaaand why do people care so much what other parents do? As long as the child is being loved, taught and nurtured what's the big freaking deal??

TiffanyBerry · February 2013

Here's my completely biased opinion:

Because it's the harder way.

Think about how many things people want to do the easy way. Pop a pill instead of changing diet. Drive the car a mile instead of walking. Watch a movie instead of reading long books. Hire someone to do the lawn instead of getting out the lawn mower yourself.

AP is the same. It's harder work. Some people will argue it's all to the same end (like the lawn example - at the end of the day, the lawn is mowed, and it doesn't matter how it happened). Some people will argue one is better than the other (same lawn example - you could argue that hiring someone frees you to do more important things with your time, or you could argue that spending time outdoors and staying regularly familiar with your yard are both beneficial).

But it's harder work, and people want to take the easy way out. And then get defensive about not taking the "best" (whatevertheheck that means) route.

Temp123197812503460 · February 2013

TiffanyBerry:
Here's my completely biased opinion:
Because it's the harder way...
But it's harder work, and people want to take the easy way out. And then get defensive about not taking the "best" (whatevertheheck that means) route.

I'm sorry but this is exactly the kind of thing that makes the stigma.

I'm AP and I do it because it feels like the right thing to do with my kids. Just like I don't want someone to tell me what to do, I wouldn't tell someone else that AP is harder and the best way to raise a kid, thats doing exactly what you are saying you dont want other people to do!

Frankly there is pretty limited research that really shows which way of parenting is the best, usually the resaerch that gets tossed around to "prove" that AP is better is actually research looking at grave abuse/mistreatment of kids which is then extrapolated to try to claim if you let your kid cry for 20 min when they are 1 you are going to irreparably harm them.

TiffanyBerry · February 2013

That is why "best" is in quotes. And why I used those examples, which perhaps you skipped over.

I am NOT saying AP is best. I AM saying it's more work (hence the use of the term harder). And I think people have an aversion to work and feel judged if that is pointed out. (Which I also think is ridiculous, since everything is a choice, and you should be confident and sure of your choices, even when your choice is to take the "easier" way, because that is a completely valid choice.)

It is absolutely more work, over all, for me to sleep with my toddler, being woken two to three times a night and do so for three years than for me to try to sleep train her. It is absolutely more work for me to understand my daughter's habits and rhythms and make our day work around that than force her into something different. It is also absolutely more work to listen to her when we are both tired and upset but she isn't articulating a thing well and what she is trying to say is something we can't/won't do anyway rather than just shutting her down and forcing my way.

At least, those things are far more work IN THE MOMENT. I think they make my life easier overall. And, honestly, some of them I choose out of laziness! But - and I think this applies to MANY aspects of our lives - I think most of us, myself definitely included, would rather not take the path of more resistance, the path of more work, in the immediate future. It takes thought and planning (and willpower and well developed executive functioning) to take the longer view. As a society, you can argue that we are losing some of that skill in so many aspects of our lives, and I think this is one.

Finally - I want to reiterate: I am NOT saying AP is better. Not only is "better" an ill-defined, vague word to use in this situation, but there are so ridiculously many assumptions in that statement that it just can't be supported.

TiffanyBerry · February 2013

I know I'm not expressing myself clearly, and I suspect I'm in too cynical of a mood to do so today. So I'm going to step out of this conversation, before I sound even more stupid than I've already managed to sound. (I'd delete my posts, but I think that would be a bit cowardly of me. It's my own fault if I post before I'm sure I'm being clear!

)

Temp123197812503460 · February 2013

I do think I understand what you mean, I'm just not sure I agree with it.

In my case, we did do some CIO after a year, it felt like the right thing and it worked pretty well. I fully admit that it is easier now that I don't get up 6+ times a night (I have twins).

But it doesn't mean that I think there is anything wrong with not doing CIO, and I certainly don't care that I have it easier than other people who may have not made that decision and are still getting up 6x a night.

The only time I would judge someone for doing so is if they first try to tell me that I have somehow done the wrong thing or mistreated my kids by making that choice. I'm not saying you do this, but I think part of hte AP community does, and I think thats why it sometimes gets a stigma.

Temp123197812503460 · February 2013

but I promise I'm not trying to get into an internet argument with you, and i understand if you want to stop there

BelhurstBride · February 2013

TiffanyBerry:
I know I'm not expressing myself clearly, and I suspect I'm in too cynical of a mood to do so today. So I'm going to step out of this conversation, before I sound even more stupid than I've already managed to sound. (I'd delete my posts, but I think that would be a bit cowardly of me. It's my own fault if I post before I'm sure I'm being clear! )

No, I understand what you're saying, think you're making sense and tend to agree with you.

Merried_2008 · February 2013

Sorry I wasn't trying to start something. Just really curious what others have to say.

pepomntpat · February 2013

Honestly, because it goes against the norms of society. People expect parenting to go a certain way and anyone who questions that is a weirdo. And also, I do think a lot of AP, NB, BF type parents do get a bit preachy and no one likes that.

ILoveRunning · February 2013

pepomntpat:
Honestly, because it goes against the norms of society. People expect parenting to go a certain way and anyone who questions that is a weirdo. And also, I do think a lot of AP, NB, BF type parents do get a bit preachy and no one likes that.

Agreed.

Honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that people think that AP = spoiling your child. I do not know how many times people have told me (or suggested that) doing X, Y, or Z will make it harder for me or my son to do A, B, or C because he will be spoiled.

KateLouise · February 2013

I don't know if I agree that AP is harder work. I think it's a different kind of work. Especially as you move into the toddler years and beyond.

I think AP gets a tough rap for a few different reasons:

1) Misconception. Before I had kids, I thought AP Mums were martyrs who needed to get a life that didn't revolve around their children. Needless to say I feel very differently about it now.

2) Even if AP Mums don't mean to be judgey some statements have an implied criticism. "I would never let my child CIO." clearly implies that CIO is bad and the logical conclusion is that parents who would do CIO are bad parents. Obviously lots of AP parents don't think parents who do CIO are bad parents but that's not how it appears at times.

3) Some people do some AP stuff out of survival not for any philosophical reasons. eg bedsharing. When months down the track they're still bedsharing and their baby is working through the night, and they want a baby that STTN in its own cot, then it's easy to blame the world of AP.

4) Lots of aspects to AP simply clash with the modern world. BF your baby on demand when you're back at work at 8 weeks is impossible.

Having a baby waking you through the night when both parents work 5 days a week, and are raising their child in isolation from family support, is close to torture.

Following the interests and needs of your baby when all the advertising tells us we need to buy multiple products to make our child smarter, faster and better than the rest takes a step of brave faith in what you are doing as a parent.

5) Most people don't like to even consider, let alone admit their could be a better way to do things than what they are familiar with. Many of us and our parents would have been raised with, "let the baby cry in its cot." "don't spoil that baby" etc etc etc. To follow AP when the norm of your family is not that is to question your elders and that can be very challenging for some.

kcisthebombdotcom · February 2013

TiffanyBerry:
Here's my completely biased opinion:
Because it's the harder way.
Think about how many things people want to do the easy way. Pop a pill instead of changing diet. Drive the car a mile instead of walking. Watch a movie instead of reading long books. Hire someone to do the lawn instead of getting out the lawn mower yourself.
AP is the same. It's harder work. Some people will argue it's all to the same end (like the lawn example - at the end of the day, the lawn is mowed, and it doesn't matter how it happened). Some people will argue one is better than the other (same lawn example - you could argue that hiring someone frees you to do more important things with your time, or you could argue that spending time outdoors and staying regularly familiar with your yard are both beneficial).
But it's harder work, and people want to take the easy way out. And then get defensive about not taking the "best" (whatevertheheck that means) route.

You really think it's harder? I think the reverse is true--many AP principals have made my life considerably easier. I think keeping my kid in my bed and popping a boob in his mouth was a lot easier than walking down the hall to his crib, sitting in a chair and rocking him with a bottle in his mouth. When I had to switch to formula due to medical necessity, that sucked and was a lot more work! I think babywearing made my life easier, not harder. When we did blw, that was a heck of a lot easier/cheaper than feeding purees for every meal. I agree that choosing against CIO and foregoing sleep is tough--but CIO is difficult for a parent to do.

Now that my kids are out of the newborn phase, I think positive discipline has made my life easier. My friends with kids my children's ages are constantly battling with their children all day long, dealing with frequent tantrums, etc. We don't have that power struggle so I feel like it's just easier to parent them.

To answer the original question--I think it's criticized due to the extremist view. People think AP is nursing your kid until 10 and never going on a date with your DH. People think that not using punishment based discipline is allowing kids to do whatever they want. It's mostly ignorance combined with an extremist view of what AP actually is.

tokenhoser · February 2013

I don't really think you have to past the part that it's against current norms. It's weird to let my almost 2 year old nurse. And then people get a bit defensive about going against the things that most people do and having to explain that they're doing it for a reason.

Some AP things go so far against current norms that people think they're unsafe, like bedsharing with a baby.

boogerbearoriginal · February 2013

KC_13:
You really think it's harder? I think the reverse is true--many AP principals have made my life considerably easier. I think keeping my kid in my bed and popping a boob in his mouth was a lot easier than walking down the hall to his crib, sitting in a chair and rocking him with a bottle in his mouth. When I had to switch to formula due to medical necessity, that sucked and was a lot more work! I think babywearing made my life easier, not harder. When we did blw, that was a heck of a lot easier/cheaper than feeding purees for every meal. I agree that choosing against CIO and foregoing sleep is tough--but CIO is difficult for a parent to do.
Now that my kids are out of the newborn phase, I think positive discipline has made my life easier. My friends with kids my children's ages are constantly battling with their children all day long, dealing with frequent tantrums, etc. We don't have that power struggle so I feel like it's just easier to parent them.
To answer the original question--I think it's criticized due to the extremist view. People think AP is nursing your kid until 10 and never going on a date with your DH. People think that not using punishment based discipline is allowing kids to do whatever they want. It's mostly ignorance combined with an extremist view of what AP actually is.

ITA. And I think AP things have made my life easier. I joke that nursing to sleep is the lazy way out. Wearing my baby made it possible to get stuff done, etc.

When I went back to work at 11wks, bedsharing meant I got more sleep at night. I truly don't know how people work and do night wakings where they have to physically get out of bed. I mean, at some point they can utilize CIO, but not at 11wks. That has to be the harder way.

I think PPs struck it on the head, that in many regards, AP things are against the mainstream "way" to raise a baby. So people look at it as weird/different, and a lot of people come off judgmental or holier-than-thou about it, which doesn't help matters.

People get defensive about different parenting techniques because everyone wants to do the best for their kid. And I don't know of anyone who is 100% sure that everything they do is perfect.

PayolaCrayola · February 2013

TiffanyBerry:

Here's my completely biased opinion:

Because it's the harder way.

Think about how many things people want to do the easy way. Pop a pill instead of changing diet. Drive the car a mile instead of walking. Watch a movie instead of reading long books. Hire someone to do the lawn instead of getting out the lawn mower yourself.

AP is the same. It's harder work. Some people will argue it's all to the same end (like the lawn example - at the end of the day, the lawn is mowed, and it doesn't matter how it happened). Some people will argue one is better than the other (same lawn example - you could argue that hiring someone frees you to do more important things with your time, or you could argue that spending time outdoors and staying regularly familiar with your yard are both beneficial).

But it's harder work, and people want to take the easy way out. And then get defensive about not taking the "best" (whatevertheheck that means) route.

Completely agree. I have had a discussion with DH/Family/Friends all about this same topic. They all say "dont get" how I can act this way with my DD when to me it feels like the right thing. Like when she's having a bad day its very easy to blow her off and say she's cranky and get upset. But I sit with her and talk to her...give her plenty of hugs. Yes, there are many times that I dont get things done. Yes, my days revolve around her schedule. Yes, we bedshare and she wakes me up and Im tired(like today ive been up since 130am). BUT, shes happy and smart and has never been sick.

Im not saying ppl are wrong in what they do. Im not saying what I do is the best. As previously stated my DH disagrees with my approach because "im spoiling her"...whatever. I grew up "spoiled" in the real sense. My parents bought me anything I wanted. Literally it was so bad that other kids would come say "hey we want to play with this toy tell your Dad you want it" and I would have it that day. BUT, emotionally they were absent. It messed me up really badly. I understood they were buying me things to make up for lack of love and it sucked. THAT to me is spoiling a kid. AP is not.

tokenhoser · February 2013

MelRC117:
Its EXACTLY that attitude, holier than thou, I know whats best, and I work harder for my child than you do that gives AP the stigma.

Eh, all parents pull this bullsh*t. It's not particular to AP.

boogerbearoriginal · February 2013

tokenhoser:
MelRC117:
Its EXACTLY that attitude, holier than thou, I know whats best, and I work harder for my child than you do that gives AP the stigma.
Eh, all parents pull this bullsh*t. It's not particular to AP.

Yep.

Everyone thinks their way is best, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it. So it can be easy to come across as an assshole. And I've had a lot of people give me the speech on why my way is "bad" so I don't think it's only AP parents who have that attitude.

pepomntpat · February 2013

MelRC117:
If I don't do all philosophies of AP I must not be working hard enough for my child then I guess.
Its EXACTLY that attitude, holier than thou, I know whats best, and I work harder for my child than you do that gives AP the stigma.

No, actually it is the stigma that forces people to get holier than thou. Because the, "this just works for us" is not a good enough reason, so they have to come up with a better reason and then they are holier than thou. Whatever.

TiffanyBerry · February 2013

If I don't do all philosophies of AP I must not be working hard enough for my child then I guess.
Its EXACTLY that attitude, holier than thou, I know whats best, and I work harder for my child than you do that gives AP the stigma.

This is kind of my point. This statement assumes that hard work is better. Why? I think *THAT* is the misperception in our culture that makes it so hard to shake this stigma.

Hard work is not, in and of itself, better.

I could "work harder" for my child, but do it in completely destructive ways. (Hey, my dad this. It made both of us miserable.)

If we let go of this "more is better and so more work or harder work is better than less work or easier work" idea, I think there would less mommy-war stuff.

PayolaCrayola · February 2013

pepomntpat:
MelRC117:

If I don't do all philosophies of AP I must not be working hard enough for my child then I guess.

Its EXACTLY that attitude, holier than thou, I know whats best, and I work harder for my child than you do that gives AP the stigma.

No, actually it is the stigma that forces people to get holier than thou. Because the, "this just works for us" is not a good enough reason, so they have to come up with a better reason and then they are holier than thou. Whatever.

Yup. Its like we have to defend AP and ppl can openly judge but when we defend somehow we're criticizing them and what they do? No. not cool.

aglenn · February 2013

I think in so many of these internet "debates" there is a TON of projection going on. Nobody can admit to doing anything different from what everyone else is doing without that being interpreted as saying what they are doing is better and everyone else should be doing the same....even when that is never said or intended. The degree to which differing opinions and ideas get jumped on and criticized is a shame, IMO, because we could learn a lot more from each other if we could let it go and stop taking everything so extremely personally.

PunkyBooster · February 2013

I don't think it's "harder"

For example:

BF- to me it was so easy- the thought of buying formula and trying different ones and mixing a bottle was very overwhelming. But some women find BF very challenging and for good reasons- and FF is more desirable or what they have to do to make sure their child is fed.

Strollers- lugging it around, opening, closing, it was just easier for me to strap DS to my chest with a wrap. But some moms have bad backs, they need the range of motion that is easier with a stroller, etc.

Cloth diapering, it's just so easy to do a load of laundry daily rather than dealing with running to Target, figuring out price per diaper, what is the cheapest to buy, which will work best, taking the garbage out 2x a day, etc. But the spraying, laundering, and frequent changing could be really tough on someone who is juggling a few things at a time, day in and day out.

On and on and on. What is "hard" for one parent does not mean it's "hard" for another.

I do think the TERM "AP" is new therefore people don't know much about it. It's easy to rag on something you don't know.

But the truth is, "AP" is just a style of parenting that has been practiced for YEARS by women all over the globe. It's just recently that first world countries have all of a sudden put a label on it and made it "trendy".

Edited for spelling.

tokenhoser · February 2013

Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.

I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy.

pepomntpat · February 2013

tokenhoser:
Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.
I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy.

I definitely agree with this. It feels easy and natural to just respond and forced and rigid to not. Every "weaning" thing has come at a time when it no longer felt easy and natural. Like I no longer make PB&J for Ro because she asked to make it herself and so I let her. It is certainly easier for her to make it herself. LOL!

PayolaCrayola · February 2013

tokenhoser:

Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.

I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy.

This. I didnt plan on AP and didnt even know what it was tbh until I came here. I just did what felt easiest and its AP

neverblushed · February 2013

I think there's plenty of judgment and stigma coming from all around.

When my kids were small, many of my parenting choices fell under the umbrella of AP. There are also some things about AP that aren't my style at all. I got to experience "judginess" from moms who were both more and less extreme on the AP scale than I was.

To be fair, though, I cringe now when I think of some of the ridiculous pronouncements I have made about the "right" way to do things when I was but a new, inexperienced parent.

Parenting is such a daunting task that it's hard not to feel the need to justify yourself. I think this leads to a lot of the judginess that parents lay on each other.

TiffanyBerry · February 2013

I'm glad that I came back to read more. I love all the thoughts put out here, and it's helped me... let's say "improve" my opinion.

One thing that strikes me, in the responses, is if some of the reason varies geographically. I know that "normal" parenting styles vary a bit geographically (spanking is far more common in some areas, extended breastfeeding far more common in others, as so on). And I can imagine that some of that may affect how the least AP parents feel about the most AP parents.

Anywhoo....

Thanks for not beating me up for some crappy communicating. I've been pretty embarrassed about it since, oh, fifteen minutes after I posted.

tantdylf · February 2013

I understand what PP said about it being harder, but I do a lot of what I do because it feels right and it's easiest.

I have a distant friend who had a baby a couple weeks before DS. They both had a lot of trouble STTN and DS still doesn't. The last time we caught up, this week, I told her that he still nurses 510 times a night. She immediately said she would have cut that off a long time ago. In her mind that's just way too much work. But for me all I can think is, all I have to do is latch him on. He sleeps right next to my boob as it is. If I refused him, he would wake all the way up and I would have to get up and actually work to get him back to sleep. So in reality what I'm doing is less work. Or if I had to get up and make a bottle... No thank you, I'm wayyyyy too lazy for that, never mind washing bottles.

pghmortdoll · February 2013

PayolaCrayola:
tokenhoser:

Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.

I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy. 

This. I didnt plan on AP and didnt even know what it was tbh until I came here. I just did what felt easiest and its AP

This.

PayolaCrayola · February 2013

tantdylf:
I understand what PP said about it being harder, but I do a lot of what I do because it feels right and it's easiest. I have a distant friend who had a baby a couple weeks before DS. They both had a lot of trouble STTN and DS still doesn't. The last time we caught up, this week, I told her that he still nurses 510 times a night. She immediately said she would have cut that off a long time ago. In her mind that's just way too much work. But for me all I can think is, all I have to do is latch him on. He sleeps right next to my boob as it is. If I refused him, he would wake all the way up and I would have to get up and actually work to get him back to sleep. So in reality what I'm doing is less work. Or if I had to get up and make a bottle... No thank you, I'm wayyyyy too lazy for that, never mind washing bottles.

Im jealous. I had to stop bf DD when I came back to work at 9mo pp. I never could produce enough to stock up and I tried everything. Even now when she is having trouble falling asleep i wish i could whip out the boob.

BelhurstBride · February 2013

tokenhoser:
Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.
I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy.

I definitely felt, when DD was an infant, that AP was the easy way out. (For the exact same reasons you mentioned.) Many of the principles I chose prior to knowing there was a name for what I was doing. In my mind, I was doing what worked.

But with a toddler? There are times where I wonder if I'm taking the more difficult road. I sometimes wonder if it'd be easier to toss her in time out or something rather than sitting down with her and trying to figure out what she's feeling, why she's feeling and the best way to handle it. Not that I regret my parenting choices, but the grass is always greener, you know?

This blog post recently showed up in my reader. I think it sums it all up pretty well.

https://www.phdinparenting.com/blog/2013/2/8/parenting-someone-thinks-youre-doing-it-wrong.html

Merried_2008 · February 2013

Thanks girls! So interesting to read what everyone has to say.

In general I am just doing what feels natural and right for each of my kids. Usually I don't really feel a need to answer for this but we are moving closer to family and they just don't agree with my ap ways

pepomntpat · February 2013

j.d.gal:
TiffanyBerry:
I'm glad that I came back to read more. I love all the thoughts put out here, and it's helped me... let's say "improve" my opinion.
One thing that strikes me, in the responses, is if some of the reason varies geographically. I know that "normal" parenting styles vary a bit geographically (spanking is far more common in some areas, extended breastfeeding far more common in others, as so on). And I can imagine that some of that may affect how the least AP parents feel about the most AP parents.
Anywhoo....
Thanks for not beating me up for some crappy communicating. I've been pretty embarrassed about it since, oh, fifteen minutes after I posted.

late to the party here, but this thread is so interesting!
for me, pre baby #1, DH and I thought AP had a lot of aspects that made sense to us. Once he came along, we stuck to a lot of it but some didn't work out so well. I was unable to BF due to medical reasons despite trying really hard to do it for a few months so we FF (supplementing and then exclusively). DS did not like to be carried a lot of the time, so we used a stroller more than we expected. We only bedshared until he was 3 months old, because no one was getting any sleep. And after a few months of gentle sleep training, we did a couple nights of Ferber to get some sleep even though I thought I was super anti CIO.
Then #2 came along, and while I still cannot BF (boo!), I had a snuggly baby who loves to be worn (though we still don't do it as much as I thought we would due to her enormous size and the need to have a stroller to carry all of DS's playground accessories) and wants to snuggle all night while we bedshare at 7.5 months old. She would never do well with CIO, so we're not really sleep training her but she's also a more naturally good sleeper.
So, I guess what I am coming to is I think a lot of how you parent has to do with who your kids are. And that can even vary between siblings. I think the thing I connect with most about AP is that to me, it is about being the parent that your kid needs, whatever those needs are. And I think a lot of society doesn't understand that way of thinking.

I think this is where I fell off the AP bandwagon. AP is not baby wearing and bed sharing and BFing. It is responding to your child's needs. I thought I had failed for a bit when bedsharing quit working and I did some gentle CIO. And then I smacked myself across the face and said, "Look at my happy well rested daughter!" And look at her mother without bags under her eyes. Yeah, that is AP...being in tune with and responding to your child's needs. Not bedsharing no matter what or baby wearing no matter what or BFing no matter what.

phdprocrastinator · February 2013

Most people can't articulate that they are trying to follow such-and-such parenting philosophy, so those that say they do what they do because of a certain philosophy are the ones that are susceptible to creating a stigma. Does that make any sense? So the other group that gets a big stigma are the parents who do Baby Wise.

I read a really good blog post by a (former) Baby Wise mom. She used BW for her first baby and it worked REALLY well. She remembers commiserating with her friends about their kids who never slept, etc., etc., and thinking that, really, the problem was they weren't following the "right" way of parenting. THEN, she had her second child. And Baby Wise simply didn't work for this baby. She ended the post by apologizing for being holier-than-thou.

I think many AP moms fall into the same trap - especially when they have only had one child - of not recognizing that every baby is different and will respond differently to different techniques. Some babies respond really well to sleep training; others not so much. Some babies like to be worn; others are more independent early on.

I think it's reassuring to some parent to think that they've found "the right answer" because parenting is a super hard business, so some parents for whom AP or BW work are quick to praise their own philosophy and critique another parenting style.

SevenThree2004 · February 2013

Ha, AP is 'harder"? I find that hard to believe. My view of AP is that is was the politically correct version of helicopter parenting. I EBF 12+ months but you'll never catch me letting my 5,3 or infant child dictate whether i sleep at night, when i wean him/her from nursing, or any other action of my day. That takes consistency and strength.

RioG1978 · February 2013

tokenhoser:

Most my AP practices absolutely stem from wanting to expend as little effort as possible. I'm breastfeeding because I don't want to have a big fight weaning. I baby wore so I could do what I wanted and still hold the baby. I bedshared to sleep more.

I saw it as the easy way, not the hard way. I can't imagine how hard I would have worked to do things the "normal" way with my boy.

Totally this. I'd love to think I educated myself and was doing all of these things because of my research, but in reality it's a combo of gut instinct and whatever-makes-it-easier-for-both-of-us.

pepomntpat · February 2013

SevenThree2004:
Ha, AP is 'harder"? I find that hard to believe. My view of AP is that is was the politically correct version of helicopter parenting. I EBF 12+ months but you'll never catch me letting my 5,3 or infant child dictate whether i sleep at night, when i wean him/her from nursing, or any other action of my day. That takes consistency and strength.

LOL! I have found AP to be the exact opposite of helicopter parenting. My child would prefer to do things her way and I let her. Apparently you do not know what AP is...or maybe you don't know what helicopter parenting his. ::shrugs::

stever · February 2013

I haven't read all of the responses so forgive me if I repeat what's already been said.

I think part of the reason for the stigma is the presumption that claiming to be AP you're claiming to be a better, more active parent. I would say that almost almost all of my parenting is AP-based but I don't wave the title around because I don't want anyone to think I'm bragging or whatever.

How I parent is between me and my kids and I don't want how it might be labled to make anyone else feel badly.

Sorry, I phrased that oddly.

chardonnay24 · February 2013

TiffanyBerry:
But it's harder work, and people want to take the easy way out. And then get defensive about not taking the "best" (whatevertheheck that means) route.

This is exactly why there is a stigma. AP parents are often holier-than-thou.

There was nothing hard about responding to my baby's needs. When he cried, I picked him up. When he was hungry, I fed him. When he was wet, I changed him. I think that most parents, whatever their parenting style, do these very basic things.

My child was not an "AP baby". He didn't nurse. And I tried so, so hard. We didn't know until well over a year and in speech therapy that there was something up with his tongue and the structure of his mouth and he couldn't nurse effectively. I pumped for 6 months and then I was getting 4 oz a day in 8 pumping sessions so we switched to formula. He didn't like to be held - he preferred the swing or the activity mat. He was done with being worn by 9 or 10 months. He coslept as a tiny baby but by about 5 months and ever since, he cannot sleep unless he is alone in his room. He stopped sleeping when he was about 7 months old despite nights of rocking, bouncing, and cuddling. He was sick all time time, exhausted, and not eating well. So we used Ferber in a desperate attempt to get him to sleep at all, and it turns out all he needed was to fuss for a few minutes to get himself to sleep.

Most of my friends are AP, and have admitted that they judged me for NOT breastfeeding, cosleeping, and babywearing, and for sleep training. By formula feeding, putting my baby in a crib, pushing him in a stroller, or letting him cry for a few minutes at night, it is assumed that I am taking the easy way out, when in fact I am still APing - that is, responding to my child's needs.

So, yeah. That's why the stigma exists. A lot of AP parents think that their way is the "right" way and that by not APing, you're doing your child a disservice. Most people say they don't care how others raise their kids, but AP moms judge more than anyone I know.

ghl · February 2013

I'm coming back to reading this board now that we have newborns again, versus 3 years ago when DS 1 was an infant. I have to say I'm pleased to see the "feel" of the board has changed to be more supportive of do what works for your family. AP is not all or nothing. I remember getting blasted and judged for asking if any AP parents ever ended up having to CIO as we were struggling with my 15 month old not sleeping well no matter how much we tried non-CIO methods to get him back to sleep. I still didn't feel comfortable not responding to his cries but I also knew no one in the family was getting enough sleep and that wouldn't be healthy for any of us. I had read pretty close to every sleep book out there on both sides of the fence, and I was frustrated with all of them dictating that their method was "right" and any other way, whether it was to let them cry or to coddle them back to sleep, was doing my child a disservice and irreparable harm. I think there is a spectrum across parenting methods and either side has critics, either side can be very judgemental, and it's natural for a parent to feel defensive when someone implies you are being a bad parent.

I follow a lot of practices considered AP but not all. We figure out what works for us as parents, and what works for each individual child. What I tell any parent asking me for advice is that this worked for DS, and maybe it'll help but I'm not going to judge if you aren't comfortable with it and your mileage may vary anyway. Every parent needs to figure out what works best for their own family.

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