Dads & Dads-to-be
TigerrSarahh1987
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Scared.
TigerrSarahh1987
member
hello! my name is sarah and i just found out i was pregnant 3 days ago. 6 weeks. the dad to be is really scared and wont talk to me about how he feels. all i know is that he is scared and stressed and cant handle trying to take care of a baby. is there any advice i can give him that will help him at all? ive been trying to look all over for some dads to be tips and i cant find anything. please help! thanks!
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Re: Scared.
Sarah,
There are a few missing pieces here, so we don't get the entire story. I'm guessing by the wording, this is just a guy you are seeing/boyfriend, not a husband? Have you been together long? Were you actively trying, not trying but not preventing, or were precautions being made? Some of these factors make a difference, along with the age of the both of you, etc.
That being said, fear is a typical preliminary response, especially if this was not planned, if precautions were used then shock and fear probably are even moreso the case. If he is really young (I'd say typical college age or younger), it potentially gets even scarier, as he probably didn't forsee this kind of responsibility so soon. If you aren't in a committed relationship, or haven't been for long, you add in now pressures in the relationship... what is his responsibility now? Do you automatically expect a long term commitment/proposal from him?
This is a life altering event, and if none of the things I listed in the paragraph above are accurate and you were trying, in a long term relationship for a substantial amount of time and you are both in your 30s, etc, fear and stress would be a likely response. Give him some time to process what has just occurred in his life.
That being said, since it does not appear that you are married by simply referring to him as "the dad to be", I would probably also look into legal options for support. I'm not saying he will, but if he would happen to bail on you and the baby, getting everything taken care of now legally in terms of responsibility for the child probably isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe not right this minute, since you are only 6 weeks, probably once you enter 2nd trimester or so to ensure that the pregnancy progresses as it should.
He is a room mate of mine and we arent together just sleep together once in awhile... hes 26 about to be 27 in a couple weeks and im 25 gonna be 26 in april. We arent looking for a long term relationship. No, we were not being safe and we knew what would happen if we didnt. yes careless, but its done and over with.. it wasnt planned obviously LOL but I didnt think i could honestly get pregnant. i have been 'trying' since i was 20 and havent gotten a THING.. ( money issues.. so no about going to dr for help lol )
we have talked about legal options already cuz he thought about child support right away and he was freaking out about how he wouldnt be able to afford to pay it. which i understand fully.. so we have an understanding on that part for the moment.. at least.
he just wont really talk to me. all i honestly know is that hes scared and worried and stressed about the money issue.
Frankly, I'd be scared and stressed too if I were him. He wasn't expecting what appears to be a casual roommate with benefit situation to turn into a child for which he will be financially responsible for at least the next 18 years. This is a life altering event. If he's not making much now, it forced him to find a way to provide for not only himself, but his child. His life just became increasingly more complicated... bringing a child into the world in this situation likely makes every aspect of his life more complicated... work, career, dating, you name it. Babies can complicate even well established lives and solid marriages, this situation doesn't sound like either. To top it off, if you told him you didn't think you could get pregnant, he's dealing with the shock of it happening.
There isn't going to be a magic way to get him to open up, or to make it all better. He's going to have to deal with this in his own way, on his own time, and eventually, he will likely talk. If you push the issue, it likely isn't going to go well.
"we have talked about legal options already cuz he thought about child support right away and he was freaking out about how he wouldnt be able to afford to pay it. which i understand fully.. so we have an understanding on that part for the moment.. at least."
Regardless of how he "feels" about legal options, or the "understanding" that you have with him, support is not about you two, it is about your child, which he helped create. The only understanding you should concern yourself with is what the state has set as child support for the father of a child. I will tell you what I tell every other woman in your position. Get a lawyer, or an advocate that knows the court system in your state. It is not about you, or him, or your feelings....it is about providing for your child, and that is it.
"he just wont really talk to me. all i honestly know is that hes scared and worried and stressed about the money issue."
As well he should be....and so should you. All the more reason to deal with the support issue, legally, so when the baby arrives all of that is already moving forward, minus DNA testing, which will also be required.
This stopped being about the two of you the minute that it was determined you were pregnant. The sooner you focus on that, the better off you will be in terms of providing for your child, regardless of what this guy does. Babies do not know about paternity issues and adult drama, they only know that they want to feel safe and secure with their parents....that is it.
Thanks for all that follow-up information.
It's going to take him some time to get used to the new reality. It often takes dads who are *trying* to make a baby time to adjust to the idea. It's pretty common for it not to seem real to dad's until second trimester at least.
At this point I would simply approach him with "I know this is going to take some time for you to get used to, and I'm not going to push you. But, I would love it if we could at least have some level of dialog about what would be best for everyone." Also, try to engage him in conversations that *aren't* about the pregnancy and future baby. Having a friendship beyond the child can certainly help make dealing with tough pragmatic issues easier.