Emotional

ninambutler · February 2013

I guess this is just kind of a vent. Out of nowhere tonight I just started bawling and haven't really been able to stop. I've had such an incredibly stressful pregnancy and I feel like I'm starting to break. I have a very complicated relationship with my baby's father and we are trying to get along, but its not really working out well. He is a recovering addict living in a sober house 45 minutes away. He has been gone the entire pregnancy and had promised to move back before the baby was here. I'm being induced on Feb 25 and he won't be coming. He sees nothing wrong with leaving me alone to raise this baby.

He hasn't contributed anything financially yet. I've been on bed rest and unable to work and have gotten everything for this baby as gifts, hand-me-downs, or with the money I had leftover from working over the summer. He says I'm lazy for not working and not having a job lined up for after baby comes, but I have been unable to work through the pregnancy and how can I work after when I am her only caretaker?

He hasn't supported me emotionally at all either. I have 2 doctor appointments a week because baby has IUGR. I have hyperemesis. I have had preterm labor symptoms. I've been on bed rest for 10 weeks now. I have been so sick, tired, and miserable this whole pregnancy and have had to do it all alone. I need help taking care of myself, and he has done nothing. And God forbid he ever ask what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. Any time I try to talk to him he completely shuts me down.

Everyone tells me how strong I am to handle all of this, and I guess I have been strong, but what other choice is there? There's nothing I can do. I have cried, begged, and pleaded with him to help me and he can't even be bothered to spend more than a couple of hours a month with me. My heart is just kind of aching today because I am thinking about how things SHOULD be. I desperately want to give my daughter a perfect life and I don't know how to even begin doing that at this point. I am so emotionally drained from this relationship and the large complications of this pregnancy that I don't know if there will be any of me left to care for my daughter. I have been so excited and the only reason I'm making it is because I am so glad to have and meet her. But today I almost feel like I want it all to go away which I have never felt before. I feel so sick and guilty for even thinking this. I guess I just don't know how I'm going to do this.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to let it all out. It always helps.

rm2013 · February 2013

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! Don't let his excuses and blame game get to your heart, he's just trying to make himself out to feel better about not taking responsibility for his actions by making you out to be a bad guy. Everything you said he said is utter horsecrap. As someone with a deadbeat parent, I can tell you I turned out just fine and it was thanks to the one parent I did have being the most dedicated and awesome one a kid could wish for. So you can do it!

Rely on your family and close friends as your support system. I know it sucks and hurts that her father isn't involved. Make sure when she comes you do all the necessary paperwork for paternity and child support.

wittyschaffy · February 2013

Won't help today but his child is his responsibility. At least go after child support.

tig594 · February 2013

I wish you the best. Addicts are generally abusive in some way, irresponsible, selfish and self-centered. I, too, have one in my life. It may sound harsh, but please cut your losses now and focus on what is best for you and your child. Your child should be getting your all now. Please don't waste any more time and energy on her father at this point. He probably won't come around until he's been clean and in meetings for at least a year. Unless some miracle happens I'd say you will not be able to depend on him any time soon.

ann_jeremiah · February 2013

Sorry you're going through all this.. I imagine prepregnancy this relationship was taxing though... The sooner you realize this man is not in a place to be raising this child, the better off you're going to be. You'll do what you need to do to raise your child the best you can.

tashadee75 · February 2013

The first thing you should probably do and I know it may be hard to do especially if you love him and he is the father of your baby. However what you probably should try to start doing emotionally and mentally is removing or lowering his "value". Sometimes we have people in our lives that we truly value but they do not deserve it or live up to the value we have put on them.

This relationship with him does not improve your well being and since it doesn't and it appears to actually do the opposite, it's time to get selfish and only worry about you and yours. You and your baby are your only concern. If the dad gets his stuff together at some point, then that's awesome, if he doesn't then that's his loss. You can still make a great life for your baby. Trust me a kid is much better off with a single, healthy, happy one-parent home than an unhappy and unhealthy two parent home just for the "sake" of having a two parent home.

Try not to over worry. Just work on taking care of you and your LO. And as a previous poster stated....he still is responsible for child support. That's your baby's right.

In addition, DO NOT be concerned with his opinion of you. Again, once you remove or lower his value in your heart and mind...what he thinks of you eventually will not matter.

Unknown · February 2013

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GeekyGirl79 · February 2013

mal922:
So sorry you are going through this. You've had a challenging pregnancy so I don't blame you for feeling emotional at all.

I know it's hard to see it today, but I agree with the PPs that you have to accept that you and your daughter deserve better and try to move ahead without expecting that he is going to change or suddenly come around.

Totally agree with this. I know its tough to emotionally separate from situations like this, which are incredibly complex and deep seeded, but you have done an amazing job juggling all of your trials and tribulations to date... Seriously, I think you have demonstrated an internal fortitude that is amazing, and I think you are doing fantastically. You will do an amazing job providing for your family, and don't let any preconceived notions of what a "perfect" family is like derail you from offering your little one the strength and love you have.

Good luck!

haileyq · February 2013

No one deserves this kind of stress during pregnancy- every woman deserves to have a strong support person with them along the way. Do you have someone in your life other than this guy you could consider your strong support person? I know you're doing your best, and you couldn't be more excited to meet your LO, just from your posts here. I have to say that my own dad is an alcoholic, and addictions are so difficult. The best thing my mother ever did for us was get us away from him, so that we weren't raised around that kind of dysfunction. Going it alone is hard, but it's still easier than dealing with the ups and downs of addiction constantly. And, the outcome is so much better!

Pearls+Oysters · February 2013

I am sorry that you're going through all this emotional stress, when really you have enough as it is to stress you out physically. It's a bit unfair, and no matter how strong people say they think you are, they're not inside your brain and heart, and can not see that the strenght is close to despair.

However, and I'm sorry for saying this, I disagree with one point. You say you want to give your child this perfect life... Life is never perfect. Children recover from a lot more than you would think, and all they really need is to feel loved and encouraged. They don't need a father who doesn't care about them enough to show up and be a part of their lives.

I've experienced what your child will experience should you keep him in her life at all costs. It's not fun. It's not something I would want for my own children.

daniliza · February 2013

I can totally relate to you.. About 5 months into my pregnancy I found out my boyfriend who is a recovery addict2 and a half years clean relapsed and was using heroine again.. We have been living together for over a year and he just started using when I was 4 months pregnant.. I was an emotional wreck but kicked him out right away.. This pregnancy has been so hard on me because of this, I just want him to be right next to me but I have made the decision to kick him out of my life until he can prove he has been sober for atleast 6 months.. I am actually moving from Arizona to jersey next week to live with my parents and have the support of my friends and family.. Just surround yourself with this and u will begin to feel better.. He tries to contact me everyday and tells me his sober but I just don't believe it.. Just remember to stay strong for u and you'r baby! I'm due in 4 weeks and am scared shitless of the future and how I don't have anything prepared yet but I know everyhing will work out in the end!!

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