First world problem

pennysuedog · February 2013

My in-laws take the grand kids on a trip the year they turn 13. This coming year happens to be Oliver's year. The kids pick what they want to do within reason.

M-Went to Yellowstone for a week

B-Went to San Diego

J-Went to Bush gardens

T- Went to Sea World

Oliver wants to go to Lego land. This seems pretty equal to the other Grand-kid trips, right? My MIL called me and they want to take him to Chicago. You see they are going to Hawaii in May so I'm sure that is expensive so they are trying to take Oliver on a cheap trip. Chicago is only an 8 hour drive from here. LAME, and not a trip Oliver has interest in.

My INLs are notorious for being cheap with us. They bend over backward for my H's two brothers and their kids. Their reasoning is that MH makes more money so it is only fair that the others get more to make up for it. Trips, furniture, gifts, money...I really have gotten over the inequality for MH and I but when it trickles down to my kids I'm furious. I know she pays for summer camp and sports for the other grand kids. She has furnished M's last apartment too.

Don't get me wrong she is very generous and if I didn't compare what she gives my BILs to us I would never ever have reason to complain.

Am I a huge brat?

The way I left it was that they would have to talk to Oliver because he has his heart set on lego land and it is his trip. I also wanted to say if you can not do another big trip this year Oliver doesn't mind waiting until next summer-spring.

Another note:

They just don't really take the time to get to know Oliver. He is more the quiet type but if you talk to him he will converse with you. They just never try.

They keep talking about the sky deck ...a glass ledge 103 floors up you can walk on. Oliver likes rides but is absolutely terrified of heights!

cantalopes24 · February 2013

At 13 I think it would be obvious to Oliver he isn't getting his dream trip but IMO it's not your ILs responsibility to give him a dream trip. Can you and he look at things to do in Chicago or find another destination that is in the same price range that he would want? Can you and YH offer to pay for part of the trip so he can go to Legoland? I know you had mentioned Boy Scout camp, since you're not paying for that maybe use the money for this trip?

My family situation is one of those where MH and I get way more from my parents than my sisters family and my brother. We have way more expenses because MH had to pay for his own college, we got married really young, I had E etc. My BIL earns a pretty high salary and my brother has been single until recently so he has had more money than sense. I understand we all made the choices we've made but my parents don't want my kids to not have the same experiences and lifestyle their cousins will have and they can afford it. They do things for their other 2 grandkids but not on the scale that they do for my kids. In turn MH and I are the ones who help my parents out when my dad is sick or they are out of town and need things taken care of.

ETA: I just meant that the monetary part of it is petty but they should still be making an effort to emotionally have the same relationship.

LCass · February 2013

You're not a brat. That stinks and isn't fair to the kids. My uncle makes a crap-ton more money than my parents, but my grandparents gave us the same as they gave my cousin. We totally would've noticed otherwise.

Did you point about his fear of heights? 'Cause that's just ridiculous. I agree that it's very nice that they want to do a trip for each grandchild at 13; that's extremely generous! But if the other kids got what they wanted and what Oliver is wanting is on-par with that, it's completely unfair to him. Any way your H could discuss it with them and make the suggestion about waiting a year if it's because of the Hawaii trip? Or even that you guys help subsidize the cost? I'll feel so bad for Oliver if he doesn't get to go to Lego Land!

stardust317 · February 2013

I think some of it depends on how it was presented to Oliver. Did they tell him they would take him where he wanted to go or did they just invite him to go to Chicago?

FWIW, I think it's kind of crappy to take the other kids on trips they wanted to go on and then take Oliver somewhere he doesn't have a lot of interest in going.

LCass · February 2013

I see your point, Lopes, but I feel like it doesn't apply to this situation. In this case, it's not a matter of leveling the playing field for the grandkids. This isn't something that the other grandchildren would have missed out on because their parents can't afford it, but Penny and her H's kids would get it no matter what because they can. This is a special thing that the ILs started offering to grandchildren on a special birthday. The parents wouldn't be doing it otherwise. And to not give Oliver the trip he wants when the other grandkids got to choose exactly what they wanted isn't fair.

pennysuedog · February 2013

cantalopes24:
At 13 I think it would be obvious to Oliver he isn't getting his dream trip but IMO it's not your ILs responsibility to give him a dream trip. Can you and he look at things to do in Chicago or find another destination that is in the same price range that he would want? Can you and YH offer to pay for part of the trip so he can go to Legoland? I know you had mentioned Boy Scout camp, since you're not paying for that maybe use the money for this trip?
My family situation is one of those where MH and I get way more from my parents than my sisters family and my brother. We have way more expenses because MH had to pay for his own college, we got married really young, I had E etc. My BIL earns a pretty high salary and my brother has been single until recently so he has had more money than sense. I understand we all made the choices we've made but my parents don't want my kids to not have the same experiences and lifestyle their cousins will have and they can afford it. They do things for their other 2 grandkids but not on the scale that they do for my kids. In turn MH and I are the ones who help my parents out when my dad is sick or they are out of town and need things taken care of.

If they want to treat all their grand kids fairly it is their responsibility to give him a trip equal to his other cousins. Why pick favorites?

We also were married really young and had a baby(20) but we were responsible and we did what was best for our kids and worked really really hard, made many sacrifices to get where we are. We didn't have mom or dad take care of us, in the least.

My inlaws are not hard up. They would be totally offended if we offered any money.

Honestly I will not give them a dime for any trip either. They gave both BILs trips for their 30th B-day and led MH on that they were going to give him a trip too, asking where he would like to go and what not. When it came to his b-day he got a flippin' cooler.

My point was that I don't ask for help with sports or camp, why can't they just be fair in this one thing.

Quite honestly If they don't want to give him the trip that he wants I'd rather they not take him anywhere. I'm sick of just letting transgressions slip by and being the better person. I will not let them do the same things they do to us to my kids. It hurts, and yes he is 12 he totally knows what is going on.

pennysuedog · February 2013

stardust317:
I think some of it depends on how it was presented to Oliver. Did they tell him they would take him where he wanted to go or did they just invite him to go to Chicago?
FWIW, I think it's kind of crappy to take the other kids on trips they wanted to go on and then take Oliver somewhere he doesn't have a lot of interest in going.

Last year they told Oliver to start thinking about where he wants to go. This was when T was just getting back from his Sea World trip.

They have not approached Oliver yet. They have just been talking to me. That is why I told them he wanted to go to Lego land and she just got really quiet. Then asked "Is that in Chicago?" That is why I said they have to talk to Oliver. They are referring to this trip as "Oliver's trip", therefore I don't think they are just inviting him to come along to Chicago.

cantalopes24 · February 2013

Did she offer any type of explanation of why they picked Chicago? That just seems like an odd choice for a 13 year old boy. I would honestly ask and remind her she told Oliver to chose and Legoland is his choice. Do you think it would be less hurtful for him to have no trip at all? Can YH talk to her and try to get her to pick a different location?

pennysuedog · February 2013

cantalopes24:
Did she offer any type of explanation of why they picked Chicago? That just seems like an odd choice for a 13 year old boy. I would honestly ask and remind her she told Oliver to chose and Legoland is his choice. Do you think it would be less hurtful for him to have no trip at all? Can YH talk to her and try to get her to pick a different location?

I the end I will leave it up to Oliver if he wants to go or not. Mh will definitely be talking to his parents. He gets way more worked up about it than I do.

morsey2011 · February 2013

I think it sucks. It needs to be fair and as Oliver gets older he will notice the differences in how he's treated compared to the other grand kids. I would ask your ILs why they picked Chicago, remind them about the height thing, and that he would love to go to Lego Land. Lego Land is comparable to Sea World right?

kagl08 · February 2013

LCass:
I see your point, Lopes, but I feel like it doesn't apply to this situation. In this case, it's not a matter of leveling the playing field for the grandkids. This isn't something that the other grandchildren would have missed out on because their parents can't afford it, but Penny and her H's kids would get it no matter what because they can. This is a special thing that the ILs started offering to grandchildren on a special birthday. The parents wouldn't be doing it otherwise. And to not give Oliver the trip he wants when the other grandkids got to choose exactly what they wanted isn't fair.

This! Totally unfair to Oliver and I'd be very upset. It's Oliver's trip and his choice, just as it was the other cousins' choices! It's not like Oliver is choosing freakin' Atlantis... It's Lego land!

Elsa1984 · February 2013

I don't think you are being a brat. I posted once about my grandparents always favoring my cousins because they came from broken homes, and treated us like crap because my parents were still married. Frankly, I call BS on finances and "having a baby young". If they are giving every grand kid a trip of their choice, they should treat Oliver the same as all of the other kids. It's not Oliver's problem if the other kids parents don't have money or whatnot. If they said every grand kid gets a trip of their choice, then EVERY grand kid should get a trip of their choice. It annoys me when people use the fact that the parents are broke or make dumb choices, as a way to spoil the kids and ignore the other grand kids because their parents made different choices. My SIL was a young mom and made stupid financial choices and has been married three times. My IL always helped her out and her kids out. But they don't treat Gator different just because SO and I made different financial choices than SIL. Obviously they don't have to help us out with finances and stuff, but they will be spending as much money on Gator as they did with SIL's kids. SIL's kids got their money in the form of food, transportation and a place to live for 5 years. Gator will probably get her money for sports, college, and vacations. They have three grand kids, and they treat them the same when it comes to gifts/money.

Poor Oliver. I have no idea what I would do in that situation but hopefully it works out and he is able to enjoy Chicago.

pennysuedog · February 2013

I have been talking to Oliver and he found out Blue Man group plays in Chicago, he seems to be warming up to the idea. Maybe it will work out. sigh.

cantalopes24 · February 2013

Elsa1984:
I don't think you are being a brat. I posted once about my grandparents always favoring my cousins because they came from broken homes, and treated us like crap because my parents were still married. Frankly, I call BS on finances and "having a baby young". If they are giving every grand kid a trip of their choice, they should treat Oliver the same as all of the other kids. It's not Oliver's problem if the other kids parents don't have money or whatnot. If they said every grand kid gets a trip of their choice, then EVERY grand kid should get a trip of their choice. It annoys me when people use the fact that the parents are broke or make dumb choices, as a way to spoil the kids and ignore the other grand kids because their parents made different choices. My SIL was a young mom and made stupid financial choices and has been married three times. My IL always helped her out and her kids out. But they don't treat Gator different just because SO and I made different financial choices than SIL. Obviously they don't have to help us out with finances and stuff, but they will be spending as much money on Gator as they did with SIL's kids. SIL's kids got their money in the form of food, transportation and a place to live for 5 years. Gator will probably get her money for sports, college, and vacations. They have three grand kids, and they treat them the same when it comes to gifts/money.

Poor Oliver. I have no idea what I would do in that situation but hopefully it works out and he is able to enjoy Chicago.

You do realize spending money doesn't equal relationship right? I unexpectedly got pregnant and I can assure keeping the baby had nothing to do with an expectation of help because at the time my father had cancer and we didn't know if he'd by alive by my due date. My parents spend the money on my kids because I was a single mom in 10,000 worth of debt because my ex stole my identity and racked up bills in my name, I was for a time the PBW because we were paying for MH to go to college which my siblings never had to do, MH had some pretty big medical bills and insurance copays because of crappy insurance, I got laid off while I was the PBW after we bought our house and then now that we've finally gotten a more stable financial situation we have all of Lo's hospital stays and ER visits to pay off. Neither of my siblings havd had to deal with any of those things either obviously My parents may not pay for my neice and nephews sports registrations or buy them bikes but they do attend all their sporting events, birthday parties, shell out money for every scout and school fundraiser and whatever else they can do for them. They don't love my kids more and they sure as hell don't treat my neice and nephew like crap or ignore them.

missyishere · February 2013

I don't think you're being a brat, since it seems Oliver doesn't really want to visit Chicago. If he warms up to it, fine, but that sucks he has to be coerced into something where the other kids got their pick. I don't see why they would take him to Chicago to save money, because in my experience, that city isn't cheap. Lego Land would be awesome, btw.

Elsa1984 · February 2013

cantalopes24:
Elsa1984:
I don't think you are being a brat. I posted once about my grandparents always favoring my cousins because they came from broken homes, and treated us like crap because my parents were still married. Frankly, I call BS on finances and "having a baby young". If they are giving every grand kid a trip of their choice, they should treat Oliver the same as all of the other kids. It's not Oliver's problem if the other kids parents don't have money or whatnot. If they said every grand kid gets a trip of their choice, then EVERY grand kid should get a trip of their choice. It annoys me when people use the fact that the parents are broke or make dumb choices, as a way to spoil the kids and ignore the other grand kids because their parents made different choices. My SIL was a young mom and made stupid financial choices and has been married three times. My IL always helped her out and her kids out. But they don't treat Gator different just because SO and I made different financial choices than SIL. Obviously they don't have to help us out with finances and stuff, but they will be spending as much money on Gator as they did with SIL's kids. SIL's kids got their money in the form of food, transportation and a place to live for 5 years. Gator will probably get her money for sports, college, and vacations. They have three grand kids, and they treat them the same when it comes to gifts/money.

Poor Oliver. I have no idea what I would do in that situation but hopefully it works out and he is able to enjoy Chicago.

You do realize spending money doesn't equal relationship right? I unexpectedly got pregnant and I can assure keeping the baby had nothing to do with an expectation of help because at the time my father had cancer and we didn't know if he'd by alive by my due date. My parents spend the money on my kids because I was a single mom in 10,000 worth of debt because my ex stole my identity and racked up bills in my name, I was for a time the PBW because we were paying for MH to go to college which my siblings never had to do, MH had some pretty big medical bills and insurance copays because of crappy insurance, I got laid off while I was the PBW after we bought our house and then now that we've finally gotten a more stable financial situation we have all of Lo's hospital stays and ER visits to pay off. Neither of my siblings havd had to deal with any of those things either obviously My parents may not pay for my neice and nephews sports registrations or buy them bikes but they do attend all their sporting events, birthday parties, shell out money for every scout and school fundraiser and whatever else they can do for them. They don't love my kids more and they sure as hell don't treat my neice and nephew like crap or ignore them.

The problem is, that the OP's IL's don't even know their grandkid and they are treating him differently than the other grandkids.

[Deleted User] · February 2013

What about something like Cedar Point?

cantalopes24 · February 2013

Elsa1984:

The problem is, that the OP's IL's don't even know their grandkid and they are treating him differently than the other grandkids.

I was responding directly to you calling BS and quoting my reasoning in my first post.

mrs.lizzieb · February 2013

If your ILs end up taking Oliver to Lego land, there's a Lego land Discovery Center in Schaumburg (a Chicago suburb, about 30 min from the city). I've never been and don't know how it compares to the other Lego lands, but that might be an option for Oliver.

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