am I crazy?...vent

LovePup17 · February 2013

I've never posted here before, sorry the first time is a vent! My mom is continuously telling me that she is going to be here all the time when the baby is born. While I love that my mom wants to be so involved in my daughter's life and she's going to be, I'm sick of her saying it. I know she is excited but it's like she is trying to prepare me now. She does not live nearby, so when she comes she stays. I do love when she's here, I just don't think she is being very fair trying to set the expectation of what she wants right now. What about what we want? This is our first baby. We have to learn how to be a new family, and I'm so excited to go through that with my husband. What if we don't want company all the time?

eco+ri · February 2013

I wouldn't worry about it. She is just excited that there will be a new baby around. When the baby actually comes,you will be surprised how quickly people change their tune. However, you may appreciate the help from her at times because you are going to be very tired, and running on low fuel. So I would just let her have her excitement, and when the baby comes see how you feel.

I just thought to myself, I would love when my mother-in-law or mom would come, after days with the baby, I could finally take a hot shower without peeking out, or keeping the water temp down low cause the baby was in the bathroom with me. That is going to be your life, especially if your husband is working and your home with the baby. You will treasure showers alone lol.

Disneygeek77 · February 2013

Then you need to be honest with her. Let her know you appreciate her kind offer of helping out, but make it clear that she can't come over whenver she wants, she will have to be invited or give you a heads up. You might want her there a lot, or you might not. The main thing is that this is your child and your home and that decision will be yours.

dande2129 · February 2013

eco+ri:
I wouldn't worry about it. She is just excited that there will be a new baby around. When the baby actually comes,you will be surprised how quickly people change their tune.

Agreed.

In the hospital, we had all the friends and family visiting, and I thought that FI's mom would constantly be in our hair because she eluded to that the whole time I was pregnant, much like your mom, just less direct. In reality, she has been over to the house twice, each for a short time, since having the baby home.

My mom has seen him once since we've been home, and my dad has not seen him at all since we've been home. A few friends have stopped by for a bit, but everyone has been pretty respectful of our time and space.

jsstrothmann · February 2013

Well it's not like you can tactfully ask her to stay in a hotel. If you have enough room in your home then it's kind of unavoidable.

Just put her to work: laundry, dishes, prepping meals, running to the grocery store. I think the more positive you can stay about the role you want her to play while she stays during this very very special time it can set boundaries without kicking her to the curb.

"I'm so thankful you are willing to help out while husband and I bond with baby/get used to our new life as a family". Or "This is such a special time for us to connect as a new family, I'm really grateful you're going to be around to help out so the three of us can spend as much time together as possible".

Who knows, maybe at some point you'll actually be happy that she is around (an extra hour of shut eye, a long shower, diaper changes, walk the dog, etc.). But don't be afraid to close doors (maybe lock yourself in), create a "Baby Bonding In Progress" door hanger. And if you have to reaffirm boundaries, put it nicely "You can tell that baby really loves spending time with you, but I'm getting jealous and need some baby time to myself."

Hope all goes well!

resilient61 · February 2013

Not crazy, but maybe you should start making gentle comments about how you want a quiet start for your family, or how intimate you want her 1st few months to be, so you can figure it out. That way you can "prepare" her right back. If she doesn't catch on then speak more directly. We live about an hour from my in-laws & before DS1 was born we had a similar issue. MIL thought we were going to see each other every weekend, so I started talking about how we'd see each other once or twice a month & while she'll still try to get together most weekends (DS1 is 2 1/2 & DS2 is weeks away from delivery) we often "have plans" which usually include staying in our pjs until noon or doing something else as mundane- just quiet family time. However, it is nice that they are so willing and available for babysitting- DS1 doesn't often have sitters, but my ILs have never declined when we've asked, and I know he's well taken care of & doted on, and just a little bit spoiled.

halij52002 · February 2013

eco+ri:

I wouldn't worry about it. She is just excited that there will be a new baby around. When the baby actually comes,you will be surprised how quickly people change their tune. However, you may appreciate the help from her at times because you are going to be very tired, and running on low fuel. So I would just let her have her excitement, and when the baby comes see how you feel.

I just thought to myself, I would love when my mother-in-law or mom would come, after days with the baby, I could finally take a hot shower without peeking out, or keeping the water temp down low cause the baby was in the bathroom with me. That is going to be your life, especially if your husband is working and your home with the baby. You will treasure showers alone lol.

Exactly this! Every single word of what she said!

Sarra21 · February 2013

Not crazy. I feel so blessed by our loving and enthusiastic family, who I wouldn't trade for the world, but I am a little tired of everyone else's excitement serving as an excuse for oblivious, self-serving and demanding behavior at my expense. Even if they don't really mean it and might be trying to say "we are here for you."

You have to be honest with her that this expectation is causing you some anxiety. Obviously, there really isn't a problem right now, so no need to go establishing boundaries that might not be needed, but next time she brings it up I would just tell her that you love her excitement and so grateful that she will be there for you, but you're not sure what you'll need after baby comes and you hope she understands if you can't commit to "all the time."

mkanderson85 · February 2013

My mom stayed a lot when I had DD1 and I was SO THANKFUL for it. She took care of the baby so I could nap for the first few days, she did a lot of cleaning and laundry, overall, she was a lifesaver. I would welcome the help if you know that she will actually help.

Charlotte02 · February 2013

mkanderson85:
My mom stayed a lot when I had DD1 and I was SO THANKFUL for it. She took care of the baby so I could nap for the first few days, she did a lot of cleaning and laundry, overall, she was a lifesaver. I would welcome the help if you know that she will actually help.

Yup until you have the first child and suddenly "get it" you have no idea how exhausted you will be. I am so grateful my in-laws and parents live with in minutes of my house. I don't know how I would have gotten by otherwise. My parents take my toddler once or twice a week for a few hours just so I can get some housework done or take a break. And 2 years ago when my son had 12 weeks of terrible colic, I could go to my Mom and just hand over the baby. It saved my sanity after walking him for 2-3 hours. Someone could take over and walk him too.

Want a personalized experience?

am I crazy?...vent

Re: am I crazy?...vent

Choose Another Board

Search Boards